Beyond that, I don't think I really have to say anything more. I am aware that I don't owe anybody any explanation. But I take that back. What I mean is, I don't owe anybody any justification -- but for those of you, dear readers and friends, who have been patiently reading my mental farts and talking me through my quasi-existential dilemma, I offer this reason:
Happiness.
In high school, I had a teacher who actually gave a damn. I mean, she really cared about me and what I could do beyond my normally wonderful grades. Because of her and since then, I've always wanted to teach. When I took that leap of faith several years ago and left my cushy corporate job to go into teaching, it was all together frightening and exhilarating. I have never regretted that decision because when I was teaching, I was the happiest I had ever been. Sure the pay was less, the work hours were long, and the work load was amazingly heavy. But teaching has made me irrevocably convinced that this is what I was meant to do for the rest of my life, in one way or another.
So why not teach here? Simple: I want to teach my kababayans first and foremost. While I am not closing my doors to other future possibilities, I want to first and foremost be a teacher to my fellow Filipinos, make a significant dent on my own society, and instead of complaining about how Philippine society is slowly degrading from afar, I want to be there and be part of the solution. Idealistic much? You betcha. I'd much rather be faulted for believing too much than for believing too little. Credo quia absurdum, dude.
I realize that a lot of Filipinos (in the Philippines or elsewhere) may think that I am throwing away all sorts of opportunities by leaving the US. That may be true, but by not being in the Philippines, I am doing that, too. Frankly, the opportunities that I could have in the Philippines are the ones that I would much rather keep within arm's reach than the opportunities I could have here. I do not believe that staying here will be "better" -- especially because my definition of what is "better" may not necessarily fit the mold of many. "Better" is such a finicky, relative beast of a term.
As with almost everything in my life, whenever I feel like I'm heeding God's call, things just simply fall into place. This decision to go back home is no different. A friend offered to help me out with a ticket (amazingly, at the most perfect time). An uncle-in-law offered to help us with the arduous task of shipping our meager possessions back home. Another friend managed to tell me exactly what I needed to hear (and I find myself going back to what he said over and over again, especially when I am confronted with less-than-sensitive, er, admonitions from semi-friends). And so on and so forth. I know some of you come from different faiths, but I urge you to look beyond the default fatalism that is often attributed to Christians. For lack of a better explanation then: everything just feels right. I am giddy at the prospect of finally starting my happily ever after with my husband. I am beside myself with joy. As what my Nana keeps saying, "Ano pa ang hahanapin? (What else could I ask for?)"
On the flip side, I am heartbroken over the fact that I will be leaving very good friends behind. I must admit that I never thought I would make fantastic friends here -- especially because I was initially shielding myself from this very sadness I am now feeling. Despite best efforts, my husband and I have fallen completely in love with a wonderful group of people that are so difficult to leave behind. Aside from that, I am leaving behind friends from my girlhood that have been with me through many ups and downs and the distance that will separate us brings emotions that run even deeper than sadness. And aside from in-laws and distant relatives, I don't have family in the Philippines.
But if there's one thing I've learned from all these years of ping-ponging between the US and the Philippines, distance is dwarfed by the bonds we make. So while it is difficult to say good bye to the people here, I know that it will only be a matter of time till we will all be together again.
I started writing this entry last week. I waited this long because I was still angry over what someone (who is quasi-significant) said to me. He all but said that I was making a mistake for moving back to the Philippines. If it is a mistake, then I will gladly take the consequences -- but it will be in my own terms, not his. I don't remember giving out a memo that asked everybody else to drink my Kool Aid anyway ;-). So if it's cool with y'all, I'll just keep on being "weird" and embrace my "misplaced nationalism." (And that's the extent of my rant over that little kerfuffle. How's that for maturity? Take that, immaturity!)
Thankfully, the people whose opinions matter have all been supportive. They're hurting, but they're supportive. As I am hurting, but happy to be going back home anyway.
As I stand at this precipice before I take yet another leap of faith, I do not see the depth of the jump. All around me I see the Lord's hands enveloping me and keeping me close...and having a wonderfully strong husband with me doesn't hurt either ;-). There is no vertigo, only excitement.
And so to those back home, as well as those I will be leaving behind...see you soon. :-)
