Red is the New What-Used-To-Be-Black

So, yeah. This finally happened.

So that I can click my heels three times...

To the next 17 years!

And since my Chucks have never really been about shoes, yeah...Let's get on with it then.

Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)

Simon and Garfunkel

Slow down, you move too fast.

You got to make the morning last.

Just kicking down the cobble stones.

Looking for fun and feelin' groovy.

Hello, lamppost,

What cha knowing?

I've come to watch your flowers growing.

Ain't cha got no rhymes for me?

Doot-in' doo-doo,

Feelin' groovy.

Got no deeds to do,

No promises to keep.

I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep.

Let the morning time drop all its petals on me.

Life, I love you,

All is groovy.

A little existentially out of breath. I feel like I've been chasing after other people's definitions (or expectations) of me, like I've been trying to keep up, but I've always fallen two (or ten) steps behind. I need to reboot and will a tabula rasa me into being.

I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm doing it anyway because I have to, I want to, and I must.

So I'm going to go inside my cave first to regroup.

Me on my new bed, in my new room, at my new condo.
All this new-ness! Might as well get to my new me.

Life Change Units

So out of the 43 listed life events in the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, I am going through the stress of (listed in order of grabe-ness):

1. Marital separation 
2. Personal injury or illness 
3. Change in financial state
4. Change to different line of work 
5. Trouble with in-laws (although I only have trouble with just one of them)
6. Change in living conditions 
7. Change in working hours or conditions
8. Change in residence

Whoo. Each one comes with its own corresponding "life change units." Adding all of mine together, I am, according to the scale, in "moderate" risk of illness.

Except that, well, I already am ill. Kinda. Sorta.

But I'm okay. Our new condo is now livable thanks to the tenacious and mad shopping skillzzz of my mom, work is less confusing now, and I think we're closing in on the solution to our yaya problem. 

So, yeah. That's my update for now. But mostly, I'm okay. Just really busy. And really...

Onward Ho

I meant to write this earlier, while we were still back at Dalipuga, but we celebrated Nana's birthday and spent the next day panic packing then traveling to Cagayan de Oro. There was hardly any time to write. There was hardly any time to actually be sad.

Lucia, enjoying the playroom in Cagayan de Oro's Centrio Mall.

We spent the night at CDO because our trip to Manila this morning was ridiculously early. As soon as we landed, we got ourselves settled into the hotel. As soon as that happened, I went out to the wild streets of Quezon City to look for a place for me and Lucia. All that on foot. Yup, hit the ground running talaga.

But now that I've showered (and the shower here is HEAVENLY) and snugly in my pajamas (at 4:33 pm, I don't freaking care), I can feel the fatigue. And the sadness.

When we got to Iligan, I was a shadow. I had whittled down to my pre-college weight. (Yeah. Let's take a moment to just kind of embrace that idea. Kasi hanep e.) I was over-medicated, taking medicines in dosages that rendered me out cold for most of the day. And then when I was awake, I felt dead. My brain sounded and felt like the engine room of a ship (just pretend that engine rooms are capable of feeling). Every night, I'd stare across the bay, towards Dapitan, and I'd marvel at the synchronicity: Ganito pala feeling ng pinatapon.

I was sent there so that I could be taken care of, so that people could take care of my daughter when I was too out-of-it to do so by myself. But more than anything, I was sent there so I could recover in a safe place. And that's exactly what happened. I don't think I can ever fully be the person I was before, but that's okay. I'm still getting to know this new me, and I live in hope.

Hamming it up during Nana's birthday party, our last full day at Dalipuga

When I look at myself right now, I can hardly believe that the last six months had started with such sadness. I cannot thank my grandparents, our helpers, and my beloved sea enough. I had hit rock bottom and they were all there to make sure I floated to the surface safe and sound.

But oh, my sea. My beautiful, beautiful, beautiful sea. I will miss you so incredibly. You will always, always, be home. And I shall come back to you as soon as I can.

Our last sunset at Dalipuga.

I am extremely tired right now. I realize I had been going and going and going -- and there is still much to do before I officially start working on Wednesday. But for now, I'm going to be tired. A little sad. A little excited. A little headless chicken-y.

And I'm going to linger on these faces a little longer, the people who nursed me back to health. I hope I don't let them down as I start building my life again.

Till we meet again!

Tata, Manang Taling, Nana, Me, Daddy, Chad, and Lucia. Oh, and Dora.