Breaking Free from Self-Made Shackles

As some of you might know, I am currently working on my thesis. I'm creating a learning unit that aims to teach English to Filipinos in such a way that it encourages original thought and promotes a renewed and well-defined national identity and NOT perpetuate the cloying effects of Colonial Mentality. Aside from my wonderful advisor, there seems to be a growing bunch of individuals who are really excited to read the final product. I can't say I blame them because -- and I say this with as much humility as I can muster -- I think my topic rocks.

At the same time, though, I am at the point of my research and writing where I feel stumped not only because of the ever-present threat of writer's block, but also because, to tell you quite honestly, it's a little depressing. I am not writing this thesis for the sake of academic what-ifs. Technically, it's a Master's Project because I intend to create a working unit, one that can be applied in the classroom. But I am discouraged by the creeping awareness that this little-project-that-could, well, won't.

I'm designing the unit so that it can be adapted to the curriculum of the school where I used to teach: an all-boys, Catholic school, that has long been the precursor of innovative pedagogical paradigms. But with all due respect to that school and its community, that school doesn't need this lesson as much as other schools do. As much as other children do. That school already has a wealth of resources available to them. I know that I need to go to the heads of the public education system to affect real change in Philippine society. If I want to make real change in the Philippine educational system, I need to go to the root of the problem. And there lies the rub. My idealism is dwarfed by the enormity of corruption and apathy that surround public schools. I feel tiny and insignificant and lost.

This is no pipedream. This topic isn't one that I just plucked out of nowhere. Every single paper I've done since I began my Masters has been towards this end. And now that I'm nearing the finish line, I am bogged down by negativity and utter hopelessness. How do I tell the powers-that-be that we should stop emulating the colonizer that no longer occupies us? How do I tell my fellow Filipinos to snap out of their insipid obsessions on copying The Other that clearly has had their fill of us? Hang on, Mr. Tumbleweed, let me join you as you bound aimlessly in the highway of cultural denial...

...Or maybe I'm just tired. Yes, maybe that's just it. This topic is getting the better of me. As it should be, I suppose. Enough writing for today, I guess. I'll be back to my old chipper self tomorrow. For now, listen to me, Oh Great Vastness of Cyberspace. Listen to me fellow Filipinos near and far: We are shackled by our own self-doubts. The oppressor has long gone. We need not be bound by their influence anymore. We can't blame it all on Them anymore. We are the ones bringing ourselves down. Let's be rid of this borrowed identity and forge our own. Because I don't know about you, but I want to be free.

Proust-y the Snowman...

...LOL. I apologize. We're in the middle of a semi-snowstorm, so I couldn't resist.

Got this from Aimee who got this from Vanity Fair. Here we go...

"Since July 1993, the back page of Vanity Fair has been devoted to the Proust Questionnaire, in which a noteworthy person answers a series of personal questions. The questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust (1871–1922), the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature." (VF)

1.What is your idea of perfect happiness? 
I have none. Because perfect happiness...

2.What is your greatest fear? 
...scares me. While perfection intrigues me and baits me, to actually achieve it scares me. What else will there be once it is achieved? And my puny human brain is incapable of wrapping itself around the notion of perfection.

3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I hate my temper, although I must give myself chops because it has toned down significantly.

4.What is the trait you most deplore in others? 
Deliberate ignorance -- Pareho tayo, Aims. I have such a low tolerance for ignorance (maybe that's one of the reasons I became a teacher, lol), but deliberate ignorance? Forget it. You are dead to me.

5.Which living person do you most admire? 
It's difficult to answer this. Top of mind na lang: Anthony Bourdain. LOL.

6.What is your greatest extravagance?
My books, closely followed by my shoes.

7.What is your current state of mind? 
Mild panic. Denial is a wonderful thing.

8.What do you consider the most overrated virtue? 
Conservatism.

9.On what occasion do you lie? 
Playing cards ;-). But I don't do that so well.

10.What do you most dislike about your appearance? 
Do you have an hour? Geez.

11.Which living person do you most despise? 
There are six of them, and I don't remember any of their names, save for one.

12.What is the quality you most like in a man? 
Humor and integrity.

13.What is the quality you most like in a woman? 
Integrity and humor. Really, why ought it be different from what I would admire in a man?

14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse? 
"Awesome" and "Crap." That means I go through both extremes a lot during the day, lol. :-)

15.What or who is the greatest love of your life? 
Chaddy.

16.When and where were you happiest? 
The months immediately preceding my leaving for the States in 2006. But those were also some of my saddest months.

17.Which talent would you most like to have? 
To swim like that first lady who crossed the English channel. I figured it might come in handy, since the worst way to die as far as I'm concerned is by drowning.

18.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 
I get hurt very easily, I just don't show it.

19.What do you consider your greatest achievement? 
Getting married, not to Mr. Right, but to Mr. Right For Me.

20.If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? 
A star. Like the ones up there, not like a celebrity.

21.Where would you most like to live? 
Manila.

22.What is your most treasured possession?
My journals.

23.What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? 
I don't even want to write it down for fear of having it happen too soon.

24.What is your favorite occupation?
It's a toss up between reading and writing.

25.What is your most marked characteristic?
My wit? My righteous indignation? My height? I don't know, this is best answered by someone else.

26.What do you most value in your friends?
Support.

27.Who are your favorite writers?
*groan* Not this impossible question! No, I'm walking away...

28.Who is your hero of fiction?
Lucy Pevensie

29.Which historical figure do you most identify with? 
Can't say that I do with anyone.

30.Who are your heroes in real life? 
Honestly? My husband. He always takes care of me.

31.What are your favorite names?
We've already picked names for our future kids (if we do have kids), but I don't want to write them down because I might jinx it! LOL.

32.What is it that you most dislike?
Like I said, deliberate ignorance.

33.What is your greatest regret? 
Good answer, Aims. No regret, just remorse. I'm sorry I stayed far longer than I should have with someone in particular. But, at least I was able to gain really good friends because of my association with him. So quits lang. ;-)

34.How would you like to die?
With a smile on my face.

35.What is your motto?
Credo quia absurdum. I believe precisely because it's absurd.

We're Too Damn Nice

In the interest of full disclosure, I will say (as if you didn't know by now) that I am a rabid fan of Anthony Bourdain. So if I were to say that last night's episode of No Reservations was another spectacular manifestation of the genius of Bourdain, it shouldn't be that big a surprise.

But since last night's episode was on the Philippines, I loved the episode not only because of its technical merits but also because it was able to get to the meat of the matter (alert: lame attempt at pun #1). Last night was no ordinary travel episode. No near-manic exclamations about the Philippines' inherent beauty. No over zealous panning of smiling men-women-children amidst a backdrop of muted poverty. And aside from the fleeting understatement on how the Filipinos were so "ridiculously nice" to Bourdain, there was no hyped-up (re)utterance regarding Filipino hospitality. Not to say that all these aren't true. They are. But if I had a buck for every time this sort of cop-out sentimentality comes up...

...This was a realistic presentation of a question so intrinsic to all Filipinos -- a question that probably lingers at the back of the mind of many of those fortunate to live in the Philippines; a question that burns in the front burner (as opposed to the back burner -- lame attempt at pun #2) for those who, like myself, live so far: What is "Filipino"?

In Bourdain's narration, I could sense his perplexity. Are Filipinos Malayan? Chinese? Spanish? American? This confusion regarding our national identity is not only the reason there is no definitive Filipino presence in the global food scene, it is symptomatic of a cultural fault that is oftentimes thought of as a boon: That we are "too damn nice" (as Bourdain aptly put it). Instead of forging a clear identity, our default reaction at the face of a foreign presence is assimilation.

No, wait, that's a hasty generalization. I've been witness to a lot of efforts by fellow Filipinos who -- violently and peacefully -- fight for what is "truly Filipino" (no matter how enigmatic that notion may be). But I only have to look at myself to see the effects of assimilation: My so-called American accent, my movie and music preferences, the majority of books in my (ever-growing) collection, my idiomatic expressions, heck, even the language I use to blog and how I italicize Filipino words*. I have so successfully assimilated in the Western culture, that aside from the Highlander moments I have with fellow Filipinos here in the US (that is, they just *sense* that I'm Filipino), to The Other, I am just ubiquitously Asian. I have been Vietnamese, Chinese, Indonesian, and -- my favorite -- "Philippinese" so many times, it's become a game to me now ("Quick, what do you think I am?" *insert sly smile*)

Gloria Anzaldúa talks about the hybrid persona, "the new mestiza" in Borderlands/La Frontera. She talks about how, as a Chicana, she is caught in the middle of so many notions of who she is because of her cultural history. I feel for her entirely. I am letter D and letter E in the cultural multiple choice of life: none of the above, and all of the above (always, sometimes, AND never).

But instead of dissecting the parts of my hybridity, I want to embrace all of these wonderfully opposing-while-also-complementing parts that make me who I am. This hybrid identity IS the new identity. All of the above, none of the above, always, sometimes, and never, full stop. No parenthetical remarks. In the same way as all 7000+ islands make up one country, all those influences make up one identity.

Bourdain felt sad for Augusto, his pseudo-Virgil, and rightly so. Augusto reminds me of a Fil-Am friend I have here who also struggles to find the balance between being raised American while being proudly Filipino. Now that he and his wife are about to have a child, the question spills over to how they will raise their child and how they will strike their own balance in the formation of his/her own national identity. But while the episode ended with a somber note, the story of the Filipino goes on. And while the quest for national identity is not unique to Filipinos, it goes without saying that perhaps this question should be dealt with more urgency and seriousness in the midst of our frenzied attempts to assimilate.

Good grief. I haven't even talked about the food that was featured!  But see, the episode was so much more than the food (but oh, glorious food!!!) and became downright existential for me. Guh. Well done, Bourdain.

Oh, and while you've officially named Cebu's lechon the "best pig ever," allow me to haughtingly say, tell me something I didn't know. ;-)

Now where can I find me some sisig?!?!?!

* But I must be more forgiving of myself on this point as I realize I have an international audience -- woohoo, I have an audience. Another coin in my Narcisstic Piggy Bank.

A Series of Unrelated But Feakishly Well-Timed Moments of Epiphany

This past week has been pretty hectic at work, what with the laying off of four significant people in the organization (my [former] boss included). Despite that, several interesting things happened this week:

Aha Moment # 1

I won a free 2-year gym membership. If that isn't a sign that I should start exercising, I don't know what is! LOL. Of course, I won't be able to take advantage of the whole prize, and I still have to find out if there are any strings attached to this whole arrangement. Still, it's still pretty funny when you think about it.

Whether or not this pans out, yes, I got the message. I have to get my butt moving.

Aha Moment # 2

I have always credited several teachers for my decision to start teaching. But the one who was the most influential has been beyond my reach for several years. I had always wanted to find a way to let her know how significant she was -- and still is -- in my life, but for one reason or another, I was never able to really contact her until recently.

One of my best gals was able to see her in a conference and touch base with her. So I got hold of her email address and promptly wrote her a thank-you note. It was weird because as I was writing the email, I felt myself choking up. After all these years, whenever I talk about teaching, and my reasons behind it, I still find myself coming close to tears. Barring the times when I talk about how my husband is so amazing (for those of you who were in our wedding, you'd know this -- remember how nobody could understand our wedding vows because we were crying through the whole thing? LOL), talking about teaching is the only time I get overly emotional. (Oh, who am I kidding? I also cry when I talk about Philippine politics...and when I see a puppy being abused in one of those Animal Planet shows...and when watching another wonderful Johnson & Johnson commercial.)

I told my teacher how much her dedication to teaching helped me through a very rough period in my life. Her lessons were so wonderfully taught that when I started teaching, I patterned a lot of my lessons after the way she taught them. After all these years, whenever I think about how she did what she did, I still get goosebumps.

She emailed back and told me that she was *this close* to leaving the academe because she felt worn out and that she was beginning to think that she wasn't making any difference. My email couldn't have come at a better time, she said. In my email, I apologized for not having written sooner, but she said that if I had written sooner, she would've taken my gratitude with a different perspective. The delayed timing was, in fact, perfect.

Aha Moment # 3

It's no secret among my friends that I have one ex in particular with whom I do not get along (and that's putting it very lightly). I'd go so far as to say that I regret being with him, but I was with him for almost four years, and I do not regret the connections I gained because of that awful relationship. In fact, some of the closest friends I have to this day are people I met through him. One of them, the girlfriend he had before me, is one of the closest friends I have, or will ever have, for that matter. She and I are almost like soul sisters -- we are exactly the same and yet so wonderfully different.

Through the wonders of The-Social-Networking-Site-That-Cannot-Be-Named (TSNSTCBN...harhar), I've reconnected with another one of my ex's exes. The girlfriend he had before the girlfriend he had before me (keeping track so far?) Because of one reason or another, she and I never got close, even though we went to the same college for a while. Through our interactions on TSNSTCBN, I've discovered that she and I actually get along smashingly. Like, we're totally on the same wavelength! I wrote her a message and told her how unfortunate it was that we had not become friends sooner, and how I thoroughly appreciate her views and her almost uncanny insight into my thoughts.

Which goes to show, no man should ever come between two women (unless, of course, that's your thing...hey, no judgment). Imagine all the years we lost when we could have been friends! All because of that turd of a man who did not deserve the love that I, the ex before me, and the ex before her had given him. Sheesh. But no matter, at least we have the future. Hurray for the future (and 20/20 hindsight).

And so ends my reflection for the week. I absolutely love it when these things happen. It reminds me that I am not in control, but God is -- and though we may think it took so long or that it's too late, God's timing is always perfect. Rock.