Day Three

On to Day Three! (ICYMI, here's Day Two.)

Hmmm. Today's task is a little difficult. :-/

Day One: Ten best things about being alive.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself that you like.
Day Three: Eight things you know for sure.
Day Four: Seven things that make you laugh.
Day Five: Six things you are thankful for/appreciate every day.
Day Six: Five people in whom you perceive Ultimate Goodness.
Day Seven: Four turn ons.
Day Eight:  Three things you want to do for your community/ the world.
Day Nine: Two things you think you need to work on personally.
Day Ten: One thing you'd like to change about your life.

1.  Jesus died for my sins, and I am saved. (Okay, this isn't know-know as much as it is faith-know, but that's still a "know".)
2.  Chaddy is the love of my life.
3.  Lucia gives meaning and purpose to my life.
4.  Skittles will always bring me Joy.
5.  Writing is my one true therapy. Beer comes closely in second. Hehehe.
6.  The Dunstan System works. Seriously.
7.  Teaching is not just my life's passion, it's my calling.
8.  My friends are not just like family, they are family.

Day Two

On to Day Two! (ICYMI, here's Day One.)

Day One: Ten best things about being alive.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself that you like.
Day Three: Eight things you know for sure.
Day Four: Seven things that make you laugh.
Day Five: Six things you are thankful for/appreciate every day.
Day Six: Five people in whom you perceive Ultimate Goodness.
Day Seven: Four turn ons.
Day Eight:  Three things you want to do for your community/ the world.
Day Nine: Two things you think you need to work on personally.
Day Ten: One thing you'd like to change about your life.

1.  I am full of milky goodness. Haha! (Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to meet the demands of my very takaw daughter!)
2.  For all my faults, I seem to fit perfectly with Chaddy's perfections and imperfections. I love my husband, I love our marriage.
3.  I'm a nerd, but at least I got mad social skillz, yo.
4.  I think I'm funny. Well, I crack myself up, that's for sure. (I travel with a constant rimshot in my head. *badamdamching*)
5.  It's mababaw, but I really like my, er, oral area? (Teeth and lips.) Haha!
6.  I come from a very crazy yet unbelievably caring family, and my childhood is brimming with wonderful memories because of them.
7.  I really, really, REALLY love my job.
8.  I can hear stuff very well. Labo nun a. I mean, I can tell when something's even slightly off key, I can hear the nuances in accents and inflections, I can decipher what Lucia's cries mean fairly easily, that sort of thing. It was a pretty trivial skill until the arrival of ze litol Duckie.
9.  My OCD cripples me, but it also keeps me alive, so I might as well like that about myself...like it enough to let go a little? A few germs won't hurt, right?

...GASP!!! I take it back! I can't even jest about it. Hahaha!

Day One

Happy holidays!!!

So obviously, I've been busy. In lieu of an actual update on this new adventure, here's a meme! (Natch.)

I've been feeling really crappy the past few days because of you-know-who, so here is my attempt to focus on the positive, the real, the important, and the lasting. Saw this meme in a friend's blog and loved the idea behind it, so here it goes!

(Full disclosure: I may not be able to do this on consecutive days, but I shall do my best to do all ten days' tasks.)

Day One: Ten best things about being alive.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself that you like.
Day Three: Eight things you know for sure.
Day Four: Seven things that make you laugh.
Day Five: Six things you are thankful for/appreciate every day.
Day Six: Five people in whom you perceive Ultimate Goodness.
Day Seven: Four turn ons.
Day Eight:  Three things you want to do for your community/ the world.
Day Nine: Two things you think you need to work on personally.
Day Ten: One thing you'd like to change about your life.

1. Family; the one I have now with Chaddy and Lucia and the one I had growing up.
2. Stories; reading them, writing them, and watching them on film.
3. Friends, REALLY good friends.
4. Music
5. Chocolates
6. You know that feeling when you REALLY need to but you can't and then you FINALLY do get to pee? THAT feeling.
7. Cooking for Chaddy, breastfeeding Lucia
8. Teaching
9. Laughter
10. Silent moments with Chaddy when we don't need to talk to have a conversation.

Venti Vent

A lot has happened in a month. For starters, Luci has gained 2.2 pounds and is about 3 inches longer. The pedia said she's very healthy with strong and clear lungs. She also put us on a different formula because I noticed that ants would crawl around the powder -- didn't like the idea of giving her too much sugar (I mean, if she inherited my sweet tooth and then we make it worse with the formula then we're screwed). Overall though, the pedia gave a glowing report, which is a big relief for this frazzled first-time mom.

Paniki

My husband and I had to do errands today (registering Lucia's birth, getting loans in order, etc.) so we had to leave her with my MIL for a few hours. Actually, I'm still at the doctor's clinic, waiting for my OB so she could check on my incision and all the blechy business of the operation. I insisted on having Chad go back to the house ASAP though because I really have been a nervous wreck the whole morning. This was the first time we both left her at the house. Guh.

What if she cries and realizes I'm not there and her tiny heart will think I abandoned her?

First Item on the List: Stop Making Lists!

As I lay here, trying to restrict my movements (because Lucia is using me as a pillow), I am taking stock of my surroundings. I smell like milk, baby wipes, Lysol, soap, and my husband's shirt (he left his shirt for Luci to play with while he is at work). I am overwhelmed, exhausted, and eerily calm.

It has been a little over a week since Lucia finally arrived, and life has been overwhelming, to say the least.

Seriously?

Yep, seriously. Still pregnant.

Ten months and three days pregnant to be exact. I've been impatient, bored, and now flat out anxious-slash-panicky.

Was that a contraction or a kick? Why isn't she kicking as much? Have I taken enough fluids for the day? If I eat this piece of bread will make my baby become too fat for a normal delivery? Was that water leqking or just more of my usual discharge (gross alert)? Should I walk some more? Why do I feel so tired? Why can't I sleep properly at night, but sleep fine during the day -- does this mean my baby will be nocturnal? Why don't I have that nesting instinct thing going on? Is it because I don't live in our own home? Is that why Luci won't come out? Can she feel that?

And why the hell is she so bleepin' nega all the time?

...And that's just the first, oooh, 3.75 minutes of the day. You wouldn't want to know what goes on inside my head during the rest of the day.

Chaddy's a bit frantic as well (in fact, he just called to tell me to eat something and see if she'll kick). He hasn't been able to sleep properly in ages (there's always so much to do!) and I seriously worry about him. Hopefully, things'll ease up when my Mom arrives (in a few hours!). I'm hoping she can calm me down and offset any bad vibes, if you know what I mean.

I've been given advice as to how to speed all this up -- from the mundane (walk, walk, walk) to the bizarre (visualize; pretend you're the baby and visualize your own birth). With the amount of free time I have, I haven't encountered any advice that I had not previously read about or discussed with my doctor though.

Ah, but there is one advice that is quiet and persistent...and the one that I hate the most: Be patient for I am in control.

(((sigh)))

Hay. Si God talaga o...

I just...I just hope everything's okay in there.

I hope my next entry will be on the flipside of this whole journey. Can't wait to complain about engorged breasts and stuff. :p

What is this EQ that they speak of?

Ugh.

Still pregnant. Still waiting. Still, still, still.

There have been developments though. I've dilated a bit, and the doctor was able to touch Luci's head through the cervix already. I've also already lost my mucus plug and the contractions have been ubiquitous. Alas, the ever-important big contractions have not arrived. I'm sure when they do arrive I'll be wishing that they weren't here, but right now, I'm just hoping that they come. SOON.

Sure, it's because Luci's weight is perfect for a normal delivery and I don't want to go through CS. Sure, it's because I don't want to have to be induced.

But more than anything, and I realize this will be a big DUH coming from me, I'm so frakkin' impatient already. Sigh.

So, yeah. Still waiting.

Heeere, Luci, LUCI, L U C I ! ! !

Music Therapy!

Still waiting! Meanwhile, I've been watching these videos over and over and over again.

Here's a cute one of a young boy conducting the 4th movement of Beethoven's 5th Symphony. This child is AMAZING.




And this one will just knock your socks off. This is one of my favorite arias ever, not just because it's genius (extending, of course, to Mozart and whoever else could pull this off) but also because my Mom used to sing this and so it reminds me of her. :) Here's the fantastic Diana Damrau (I am now a fan for life).




Here's the version where she's wearing full on make up on stage. (I want that costume!!!) In one run, she played the Queen AND Pamina! Seriously, OMG.




GRABE!!! Enjoy, everyone. :D

Nooneenooneenoo...

...I must've said that (or typed and thought, since I haven't really talked to a lot of people today) ten million times today. I didn't go to work today since, upon waking up, I found out that I had been bleeding the whole night. Nothing major, but nothing minor either. So I've been under observation the whole day. The bleeding hasn't ceased, and now I'm beginning to feel definite discomfort in my lower back. Hmmm.

We're still here at the house though. The doctor actually told me to go to the hospital just to have her residents check me, just to be sure. But until I get definite labor contractions, I'm staying put. I'd much rather wait it out over here than there.

I can't describe how I'm feeling. I'm a little ambivalent about it (my powers of denial are AH-MAY-ZING) since I know I'm not quite 40 weeks yet, but at 37 weeks and 3 days, I'm just about ready anyway. Ah, my child has low EQ, too.

Anyhoo, stay tuned. I don't know if this is rock and roll or Kenny G pa lang. We'll know tomorrow since I'll be seeing my doctor then. Till then, peace out.

Just to Love

I wrote this article for the official magazine of the school where I teach. (And now where I used to teach. - K, 2013) They released a special edition that discussed homosexuality. 

Please take note, though, that the article was written for an audience of (mostly) Christians, hence the use of "our" in the sense that most of those who originally read it were Christians (Catholic, to be specific). If, however, you happen to chance upon this entry and are not a Christian, I would just like to say, for the record, that love is in no way the monopoly of Christians. 

In fact, sometimes I think that non-Christians are even more accepting of those who are different than the majority.

..o..

A few years ago, during the heyday of Multiply, I happened to chance upon a blog entry entitled (get ready) “Homosexuals Will Go to Hell.” The writer, let’s call her Ann, gave a series of Bible verses that she believed supported her claim. The reactions to that blog entry were interesting, to say the least. It spanned the whole spectrum of human emotions: from bilious disgust to exuberant agreement (“cyber hi-five!”). I added my own thoughts to the roster, but this comment was, by far, my favorite. I paraphrase: “Siyempre naman may mga bakla sa heaven, ‘no! Kung wala, e ‘di sino gagawa ng mga ‘Welcome to Heaven’ signs? Complete pa yun with balloons and confetti!” Oh, the hilarity that ensued.

I mention this because Ann is like many others, and she represents a steady and growing voice in our society today. Her thoughts echo popular thought and what is generally believed to be what is, well, “good.” We all know someone like Ann. We could be someone like Ann.

She has since put the blog entry down (or restricted access to it), but I do remember some of the Bible verses that she used. It was easy to remember, because I’ve seen these same verses used countless times to bolster the arguments regarding homosexuality:

1. Genesis 1:22 – Men and women are told to “go forth and multiply”, stressing on the ability of man and woman to come together to procreate.
2. Genesis 19 – The destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah was brought about by the various sins of both towns, not least of which was homosexuality.
3. Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 – It is abominable for man to “lie with another man” if done in the same way as he would with a woman.

I’ve seen several other passages used in the past, but they all basically point to the same conclusion: Homosexuality is a sin and must be condemned. The act itself is an abnormality that should be shunned at all costs.

Now I don’t claim to be an exegete; I am definitely no Bible expert. What I am and have been all my life is a sinful Christian. But I do know this much: verses taken out of context are not only erroneous but dangerous, for they allow us to distort God’s call for us to love. If we look at the verses above on a solely literal level, it would also be safe to assume, then, either of the following:

1. Men and women, joined even by the holiest of matrimonies, who are incapable of biologically “multiplying”, are falling short of God’s will. 
2. Manila, along with perhaps every single city in the world, is doomed for destruction any moment now, what with all the homosexuals in our midst.
3. While it is an abomination for man to lie with another man…woman can lie with another woman. Or man. Or anything.

These hypothetical arguments I raised are ludicrous and illogical, of course. Most of us know that biologically barren couples are still loved and blessed by God. The weather forecast promises rain, thunder, lightning, and the ever-present humidity; but no, fire and brimstone are not in the offing. And, well, I’ll just let you think about that third point on your own.

My personal advocacy for Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) Rights has been steadily growing for years and people ask me several questions about it. The most important question they usually ask is why I’m so passionate about LGBT rights even though I’m straight. First of all, let’s think about what LGBT Rights are. Is the advocacy limited to their right to civil privileges? Their right to express themselves in the manner they choose? The right to be heard in an intelligent forum? The right to be adequately represented by the law?

I think more than all of these, the first attempt to forward LGBT Rights must be to remove the divide that separates them from what they intrinsically are: human rights. If we think of LGBT Rights in those terms, does it then become easier to comprehend why I push the agenda so much? It’s easy to understand why a person deserves a privilege, but isn’t it more difficult to think about limiting a privilege from a person? Why does that necessarily have to change with homosexuals? And let’s look at the second part of that question: "even though I’m straight." Should the desire for equality for a maligned group be limited to individuals of the said group? Did not Jesus die for Jews and Gentiles alike?

But let’s remove ourselves from all the rhetorical questions and the realm of theory. At the end of the day, it really is about this: everyone—every single human being—deserves the right to be heard, understood, represented…Everyone deserves the right to live in the manner they choose for as long as it doesn’t harm another. Being different is difficult enough what with the threat of judgment—but condemnation? That is a whole different story.

Really, there is no disconnect separating my being a teacher and my being a Christian and my being an LGBT advocate. As a teacher, I equip my students with the skills for them to think on their own and make their own conclusions—not to tell them what to think and what to conclude necessarily. So, as with anything, I can only hope that instead of condemning homosexuals to hell for being different (for lack of a better term), I hope my students know how to approach homosexuals and homosexuality with the kind of unequivocal love that Jesus approached the sinners. For all of us—straight, gay, and everything in between—are sinners all.

Which brings me to my final point: the very foundation of my Christianity is the deeply held belief that I am saved despite my failures and shortcomings. I am a living, blessed proof of Jesus’ mercy and love. I am a sinner and I am a testament of God’s forgiveness despite my abominable unworthiness. That I would even begin to think that I am worthy of condemning others to hell—either in the afterlife by hiding behind out-of-context Bible verses, or in this life by needless name calling, exclusion, and disgust—would be grossly hypocritical.

God gave us ten commandments that Jesus lovingly boiled down to two fundamental missives: to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul and mind; and to love others. He then goes on to say, “All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:37-40). Then, full stop. No postscripts regarding with whom that love was confined. No by-the-ways about what is abnormal. No just-to-be-clears on how less love we should give to people with specific sexualities or genders. None of that. Just to love.

Just to love.

Image from here.

I end with tears in my eyes because there are times when I feel worn out. I open myself up to so much misinterpretation because of this advocacy all the time and it is difficult not to get angry. But I am reminded that this is not a plea made out of anger, but a plea made out of love. I think of students, friends, family, and life-long kindred spirits who just happen to be gay. I think of what they have to go through every single day: self-doubt, self-hate, self-judgment, and self-condemnation.

To them I say this: the Self that you know is but a shadow of the Self that the Lord created, sees, and will love for all eternity. And inasmuch as it is difficult for others to see that, do see these people who—like you—just need to be loved. If they can’t make the first step by asking for forgiveness, make the first move to forgive. For really, it must start somewhere. If it’s not from them, then let it be from you. Remember that we were made not to hate but to love.

Just to love.

References:
“The Bible and Homosexuality.” ReligiousTolerance.org. Ontario Consultants on Religious Tolerance, 2004. Web. 15 Aug. 2010.
The Bible, New International Version. Colorado Springs, CO: International Bible Society, 1983. Print.

Getting Mad at Oprah...Again

So I read this article on a teacher who wrote a rather angry letter to Oprah. It was in response to an episode that aired fairly recently, I suppose. I must confess, I don't really watch Oprah anymore – I don't really like her. (Yeah, there, I said it: I don't like Oprah. Yeah, I said again. Whaddayagonnadoaboutit???)


Anyway, it's easy to sort of get an idea of what the episode was about from the letter itself:

Racing Towards the Finish Line

So busy. Too busy. Must do so many things. Bah.

Maternity leave in a few weeks though. Yay.

In the meantime...

Image taken from here.

15 Films

Oh, dear. I hate that I'm limited to just 15 films!

Since the instructions say that I should limit myself to films that will "stick" with me, I picked the movies mostly for emotional reasons.

Interestingly enough, I didn't pick any "art films", as my husband calls them (i.e. films that make him either sleep, roll his eyes, or say, "This is depressing!"). There are a few indie films, but he also enjoyed those, so they aren't quite as "artsy" as say, Clockwork Orange. Haha!

8 Months...The Final Frontier ("...these are the voyagers of the Starship Enterprise...")

Sorry, it's just when I hear "the final frontier", I instantly hear Jean-Luc Picard's voice completing the rest of the opening spiel for Star Trek: The Next Generation. (Trekkie Alert!)

So yeah. Eight months. Big woop. :)

I downplay, but truly, I am scaredexcitedanxiousimpatientterrified. Our recent check up revealed that I lost 5 pounds though (what the...?) and Luci lost some weight as well. I've been going through a lot of stress at work lately (mostly because of one particular section...guuuh) which might account for that. So OPLAN Patabain Si Luci is in full gear yet again.

Meanwhile, here's the latest in the series. I look like I know something really bad about you and I'm just dying to let it all out. Haha! ;)

I am extremely tired all the time though. I really can't wait for that maternity leave to kick in. Only a few more weeks. Sigh. 

IlovemyjobIlovemyjobIlovemyjobIlovemyjobIlovemyjobIlovemyjob.

Meanwhile, here's a little something to get all of us going this morning. It's been running through my head since, well, last week. Haha. :)

Have a colorful day, everyone!

Step Away from the Belly (and Other Warnings)

In the great tradition of Filipino tactlessness masquerading as familiarity (when really, it's a false sense — or at least a warped notion — of community), I bring you: What Not to Do or Say to Pregnant Women, Katz Edition (meaning, what not to say to this pregnant woman).

Happy and Pink! :D

My friend showed me this video because, well, everybody knows I love pink. ;)

Besides, how can I not share this video in this blog?!? This makes me all shades of happy and pink. :D

Grumpy. Hmph.

I'm so tired.

I'm supposed to be on bed rest but I brought home some work. I'm technically mostly horizontal most of the day, but I've been checking papers nonstop and it's driving me nuts!

Grr.

I miss the ability to see my feet while standing. I miss being blissfully unaware of my spine instead of it screaming uncle due to the weight of my belly. I miss knowing that my gastric juices are just fine and dandy. I miss being able to paint my toes. I miss my heels. Well, not really. Still.

I'm very, very, very grumpy today. Duh. Blech.

Sigh. Just a few more weeks. I hope I get out of this gloomy rut soon. Just incredibly tired, and I didn't even do anything strenuous today!

Thank God for Chaddy who keeps me sane. Sigh.

Hello, bed rest. We meet again. (((sigh)))

Last Wednesday, I felt these weird contractions. It started in the morning and then it got progressively more intense as the day wore on. I wasn't really concerned since I've been having lots of those these days, but I was feeling, er, wetter than usual.

Some time in the afternoon, I started to feel like something was, hmmm, different. So I decided to go home a bit earlier. Eventually though, when those symptoms failed to taper off, I called Chaddy so that he could come pick me up and bring me to the hospital. I was trying to laugh things off (my first stage is happy denial), but I knew something was up -- or at least someone wanted to go down.

Well, we got to the hospital and I got the royal treatment. (Riding wheelchairs is fun!) When we got to the delivery room, I was poked and prodded once more (NOT fun!), and after a rather intense hour (I actually cried because the poking and prodding was a little too painful), it was determined that no, my cervix had not dilated yet and no, that wasn't amniotic fluid coming out of me.

I don't want to get into the gory details, but I do just want to say that I'm fine. :) I'm on some (pretty expensive) meds and I have to get some steroid injections to speed up Luci's lung development, just in case she does decide to come out a bit sooner. She's also in the breech position (her kicks to my bladder have been something else, I tell you!), so Chaddy and I have been talking to her, using the flashlight on the lower portion of my belly, and making her listen to music near my bellybutton just so she'd move into the right position.

As you can see, Aslan's been lending a helping hand as well. (Does this lion make me look fat? Hehehe...)

We also had another look-see yesterday, just to make sure everything's okay in there. Everything looks peachy so far! Chubby Cheeks Lulu is staying put for now. :)

Here she is at 29 weeks and something-something days (can't tell anymore, really):

What sucks is that I've been ordered to stay in bed for a week. Again. Ugh. I hate this, and I have so much work to do! But it's only for observation and, of course, anything for Lulukins. :)

So I've surrounded myself with all my backlog and several books to tide me over. Should be good, right? Haha. :p

So there. Just a few more weeks!

On the "Ground Zero Mosque"

This is making the rounds in Facebook as the author is asking for us to spread the word. And I shall. Gladly. So many of my so-called Christian friends (most of them new Christians, too) are against this with so much passion that I am seriously bothered. This time, it isn't so much as a mere disagreement in ideology. We are entering the realm of the manifestion of that ideology -- an ideology that, I fear, is rooted is hatred.

Here is, as what my mom said, an authentically Christian perspective on the matter.

More and more, I am beginning to see that just because it is Converservative doesn't necessarily mean that it is Christian. (And just because I am Liberal, doesn't mean I am heathen...Well, I try. Hehe. :D)

But more than the labels, let us seriously think about the implications of our actions and where these are coming from. Are we compelled to do out of hate? Ignorance? Intolerance?

Remember that all Jesus told us to do was to love God and to love each other. Nothing more.

Seven Months

I'm so busy, I really shouldn't be doing this right now. The term's about to end and I have compositions -- a total of three sets! -- that are begging to be checked. I'm just telling myself that it's good to take a little breather to keep me sane. ;)

Turned 7 months some time this week. Apparently, I'm due a little earlier now. I guess my EDD is supposed to fluctuate which, as you can imagine, is wreaking havoc on my abilities to keep my control issues in check. (Ah, but I have to let go of so many compulsive behaviors anyway.)

So anyhoo, now Luci might not be having the same birthday as I. Which is a good thing...she'll less likely end up like me, haha!

I'm huge. Ugh. I'm also really starting to feel the aches and pains now. My legs are fantastically painful at night and my goodness, our Little Lulu's so nocturnal! It's harder to sleep at night now, but it's okay. It's only a matter of time now.

Hay! Can't wait to give birth. Well, I'm not looking forward to the pain, but I'm really excited to meet this little kicker. :D

..o..

P.S. I was fiddling around with old files (yes, apparently, I'm still on that break...I'll go back to work soon!!!) and I found these old pictures. I think part of the reason why I've wanted to be a parent for so long is that I had such wonderful parents. :) Here I am with Papa (in Germany) and with Mama (in a bus, en route to France). 

Okay, okay...I'll go back to work now...(hah!).

*Insert Onomatopoeic Exclamation of Exhaustion*

The past few days have been reeedonculously busy. Work has been piling up, but that's normal. The numerous visits to the doctors, as well as the various tests I have to take, are really eating up all of my free time. Ah, third trimester. How, awful you are to me. :p

We've had a few medical concerns of late, too. First with me, then with Chaddy, and now...just with Chaddy, still. He still has to go through a few more rounds of tests, but hopefully, we'll get to some clear understanding soon.

But! There have also been a few highlights. :)

A co-teacher of mine is a friend of the son (still with me?) of one of my most favorite columnists everrr, Conrado de Quiros. She got me one of those cute journals (because, even though I've been blogging all these years, I still can't -- and won't -- shake the habit of actual journal writing) and she had de Quiros sign one of them for me. For. ME. Ugh, I can't stand how kilig that makes me!!! :D

I don't know what to love more! The journal? The actual note? (I mean, he wishes he could do something that I do...How. Awesome. Is. That?!?) Or what? Yeah, that's right! The fact that CONRADO DE QUIROS SIGNED MY JOURNAL!!! :D

Haha. :D 

Another highlight of this past week was our recent check up on Luci. A few weeks ago, the doctor was a bit concerned because Luci was on the small side. She asked me to eat more and change my vitamins for a spell. I was also slated to take one of those icky blood tests to check if I have Gestational Diabetes (GD). When we got the results, we saw that I was right at the cusp of having it -- maybe because I took the test at the tailend of a week when I ate significantly more than before? Who knows. Anyhoo, it was a rather anxious week that followed, but when I went back for a check up, not only were my fluids normal (something about the amount of amniotic fluid pointing to GD...) but Luci had reached normal weight as well.

Here is our munchkin to date, at 27 weeks:

First she was frowning...

And then she was smiling! :D

Well, actually, she had her tongue out, right before that last picture. Haha! My daughter's so cheeky, I love it!

So there. I'm not sure when I'll be able to write something substantial again. But these two great events will tide me over till the next great event. ;)

(Revisiting) My Strange Comfort in That Which Cannot Be Explained

Just reposting this because I feel the need for comfort right now. Felt it the whole day that I was actually listening to the song earlier (below).

Wonder of wonders, one of my former students mentioned credo quia absurdum. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is!




..o.. 

I normally don't talk about my faith as much as I talk about my political beliefs. It isn't really because of shame as much as it is because my faith is admittedly too precarious for me to talk about. I have never been one to choose religion over faith, and so I would appear too liberal to "non-believers" (ugh, I hate that term...these people still believe in something, just not God - proof eternal that we live in a predominantly theist society that does not necessarily embrace those who are different...), at the same time appear too wishy-washy for those who are still burning with religious fervor.

But I see a lot of people blog about their faith and I really am moved by their vigor - almost envious even. There seems to be a resurgence of religion in the youth (especially in the Philippines) and I am really pleased. But I grew up with this "religion" and honestly, I don't feel compelled to write about it as much because (and this'll sound really bad)...I've been there and I've done that way before it was in vogue. (Told you it will sound bad.) I know that's wrong, and I'm working on that. Read on...

But it's one of those blah days. I slept for almost 10 hours last night, and instead of waking up fresh-faced to see the new morning, all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and sleep-sleep-sleep. I am overcome with such tiredness that it's almost scary. There are a lot of things going on right now and I haven't really been dealing with them by choice. There are too many things to do and frankly, I don't have time to be sad. But it's all catching up, and I'm feeling it all right now. So now I am compelled to talk about my faith.

A lot of people ask me why the title of my site is credo quia absurdum. A little background then.

I dated a man who was a Catholic-who-became-an-atheist-who-then-became-a-Christian (how C.S. Lewis, no? LOL!) In the course of our relationship, I came to know a lot of atheists who eventually became REALLY good friends of mine. Up to this very day, I consider these friends closest to my heart.

One of the perks of having such individuals as friends are the lively "debates" we get into. Because of those, I did a lot of introspection. There was a period in my life when I was not searching for God as much as I was reflecting on the tenets posed by most organized religions. I read up on all these other religions not so much to convert as much as to understand where they were coming from and to somehow find a common thread.

What I realized from all my readings is that there can be no real debate between atheists and theists. (Just really-really-really lengthy conversations that end with much laughter, love, and understanding...and beer.) Atheists prove through logic, theists do not prove at all, but believe through faith; yes, even if it is illogical, strange, and absurd. Hence, credo quia absurdum. I believe (precisely) because it is absurd. I choose faith over logic, I choose strange over normal, I choose absurdity over sense.

Now you all know how anal I am and how I need everything clear and explained and in order. But this inexplicable aspect of my life actually brings comfort. I do not want to explain or prove God's existence as much as I want to experience it. I don't tell other people to convert as much as I want them to find out more about God when they see how I live my life. I know I fail to do that in so many ways, but it isn't about my failure as much as it is about God's success.

So there. I'm not going to apologize for not wearing my faith on my sleeve. I'm too much of a tax collector than a pharisee anyway. I choose to practice my faith in silence and hope that my silence can shut down the noise that my demons keep making. Some people say I do not talk about my faith enough...but look at the title of my site. I do proclaim my faith, every single day. But I am also a work in progress and I shall leave the proselytizing to the experts. And I'm not going to apologize for embracing my faith over my logic either.

My comfort is in this inexplicable wonder called Jesus and I am nothing without this absurdity.

 Comfort in Your Strangeness
by Cynthia Alexander
Woke up this morning
I was staring at the ceiling cracks and road maps and highways and landscapes
I have seen
I have been
to places far and deep in my mind only to find
comfort in Your strangeness
Of moving shadows when I call the wind by name
rushing firewater in the dark of a cloud
I have seen
I have been
to places far and deep in my mind only to find
comfort in Your strangeness
We are slaves to the crimes we commit
in fits of passion
we shame
We are nothing, we are nothing, we are nothing, we are nothing
But the dust on Your feet
Dying to be born again
Singing ether, water, fire, singing earth, singing air
I have seen
I have been
to places far and deep in my mind only to find
comfort in Your strangeness
I have seen
I have been
to places far and deep in my mind
only to find
comfort in Your strangeness

The Last Trimester (Dan-Dan-Duuuuuuhn)

I can hardly believe it. Can you? :)

She's looking pretty awesome. I'm looking pretty puffy. Haha! ;p

Almost there!!!

No Punchline. Just A Straight Up Plea.

It just gets to me, you see.

People should stop calling Mayweather "gayweather" for refusing to fight Pacquiao. I know, I get it, it's beyond annoying for Floyd to do that. Grand Rapids is my second home, so it's especially frustrating for me since Floyd's also from there. But calling him by that monicker is like saying gay people are cowards. They are not.

"Gay" is not a derogatory term. I can think of so many other terms that could be more appropriate (none of them are GP). So, please. Stop it.

Thank you.

It's the Final Countdooooown! (Teeneeneen-deeeen, teeneeneendeendeen...)

I posted this on my Facebook wall a few months ago, before we knew that we were having a girl. I said then that I was terrified we'd have a girl because I wouldn't know how to handle girls. I'm used to handling boys, and generally, I don't like girls. Haha. x)

Wait, let me qualify: I think girls are harder to handle than boys. Boys are less of a mystery. Girls are vicious and emotionally all over the place. (Behold, it is I, Exhibit A.)

Anyway, just watch first:






Now that we know it's a girl (hi, Lulukins!), I'd have to say...I'm still terrified, hehe. Now the fear is tinged with a healthy dose of excitement though. It's dangerous and silly to put stock on what "girls are like" vis-à-vis what "boys are like" anyway (Gender Equality 101). All I know is that she will be all ours, and that's what gloriously counts. :)

I do have to say though, God have mercy on the man or woman (Gender Equality 101.1) who will dare break the heart of my Munchkin, because this Mama Munchkin might be small, but she be the Head of the Lollipop Guild. Ya hear?

And so now I'm on my 6th month, the first month of my final trimester. I'm hugehugeHUGE like it's nobody's business. Yesterday, Chaddy and I went window shopping for baby stuff to compare prices and I can't believe how excited I got, considering I absolutely hate shopping. Good grief, this child will have nothing but (absurdly) pink items to last her through her early childhood, methinks. (As a side note, I really hope we get a boy next time, if only so that Chaddy, the real shopper of the two of us, can get to feel the satisfaction of buying miniature boy stuff. Oooh, you should've seen those baby barongs and pants!)

I'll upload the updated picture tomorrow maybe. I switched into my jammies as soon as I got home and now I'm too lazy to wear the white-shirt-and-jeans combo that has become my preggy picture uniform. :p

Since I started with an adorable video that freaked me out a bit, let me end with an adorable video that calmed me down. One of my former students (he was in my moderating class and I taught him for two years, so he really is one of "my kids" -- haha!) posted this on my Facebook wall as well. He and I share a rabid Bob Marley adoration, so this was particularly enjoyable for me.

Enjoy this, Lulu (and everybody else)! Konti na lang!!! :)

This is What I'm Talking About! (But She Does It Better...)

Okay, so I'm totally crushing on Ana Tijoux right now. Her new single, 1977, was the free song for the week on iTunes last week and so, consummate freeloader than I am, I promptly downloaded her song without really know who she was.

Oh my goodness, I love her song! As I said earlier, anyone who knows me knows that I hate rap and R&B. Wait, actually, let me say that again: I hate "rap" and "R&B" -- not so much because they sound so alike and stupid and unoriginal, but because they totally messed up their respective genres. Modern day rap is the prostitution of poetry! (I've said that so many times, I really ought to put that on a shirt...and a mug.) When rap (or hiphop) and R&B came to be, it was because the people behind them had a story to tell. And it needed to be told in that particular manner because it was passionate and real and true. They talked of sadness, loss, triumph, and redemption.

Nowadays, all "hiphop" and "R&B" do is regurgitate the same themes: sex and violence and more sex. Puh-lease. They can't even be crass uniquely.

But that's just me.

One Day, A Conversation

I've been told several times that my updates are highly entertaining. E kasi naman, my husband provides such excellent fodder.

For example:

Me: Babe, do you ever wonder where Mr. Wok-With-Yan is na?
Chaddy: *silence*
Me: Like how he is, if he's okay, if he's still alive...?
Chaddy: *still nothing*
Me: Well do you, babe???
Chaddy: *he continues to ignore me*
Me: Babe?!?
Chaddy: *yep, still ignoring me*
Me: Pbbbft. Where's your sense of wonder???
Chaddy: *starts to laugh*
Me: It's probably with your sense of humor.

Siiigh.

In his defense, he wasn't being mean. He knew that that question would lead to another question which would lead to another and another and another...

But seriously, don't YOU ever wonder where Mr. Wok-With-Yan is?

Crayons and the Art of Letting Go of SOME Neuroses

So I took this picture about two years ago (has it really been that long?!?) when I got the crayons. I had a project for grad class that needed some measure of childlike creativity. Okay, I didn't necessarily need the crayons, but as I was passing the art supply section, the box just cried out for me.

I mean, really, you have to be some big meanie to not find happiness in a box of new crayons. So yeah, excuse me if I had to take a picture of my new crayons. Mumble and Grover are just two of the many simple gifts my husband has given me through the years. He gave them to me when I particularly needed to be cheered up, so I thought it was only fitting that they share the frame with my beloved box of crayons. (Weirded out yet? Read the title of the entry...)

Somewhere Between Insane and Ridiculous

Okay, so there's busy and then there's insane...and then there's ridiculous. I'm somewhere in between -- of insane and ridiculous, I mean.

Several things though before they slip my mind:

Zoom-Zoom-Zooming Around the Womb-Womb-Womb

Just a thought: If you say, "womb-womb-womb" in a semi-slow, echoey way, it almost sounds like a light saber in action.

ANYWAY. :-)

So I'm on my 5th month with Luci and I was told to expect to feel kicks and stuff. Since I'm hardly ever late (unless I do so on purpose -- for good reason, I might add -- or, ironically, unless my husband makes me late), I was a little disappointed when I didn't feel any kicks on the very day I turned pregnant-for-five-months.

What did happen was the sudden enlargement of my belly. Okay, that actually sounds clinical. The sudden cowabungganess of my belly. That's more appropriate. All of a sudden, I got massive. Oh, and my feet are swollen to such ridiculous proportions. Well, at least now especially, since it's the end of day.

So just when I thought Lulu would be a pretty mellow puffalump, I felt her. I don't think it was a kick-kick as much as it was a kick-nudge. Like maybe she propped her feet up (much like what I'm doing right now actually). She remained active all throughout this afternoon, too.

I am all shades of tickled pink (mais oui). It feels odd, and for some reason, whenever I think of babies kicking from within wombs, I think of Sigourney Weaver in one of the Aliens movies, when her baby just kind of broke through her body. Or the movie poster of Needful Things. (Good God, what is wrong with me?!?) But this afternoon, I was comforted by the knowledge that Lulu was with me all day today and that, quite literally, I wasn't alone today.

I have a human being inside me. I mean, COME ON, does it get any cooler than that? :-))

Just one of those feeling-really-overworked-then-something-magical-happens days. :-D

Untalkative Bunny and His Friendly Friend

Anybody else *adore* this show??? :-))

This is for Chaddy, my husband. I might be pink (and absurd) and annoying and I don't shut up, but I'm grateful that he chooses to share his tea with me all the time. Heehee. ;-)

Gulp

It's the end of the week. The weekend is upon us...which is great. But that also means I'll be spending more time with her. God give me strength. I don't know how much more of her negativity I can take. :-(

Halfway There!

So I'm watching the inauguration, but I'm too preoccupied with my daughter right now. :-) Here's a latest sonogram image of our Little Lulu:

If you can't quite see her, take a few steps back (that's what I did). The image is a little grainy e. Her head is on the right side of the screen, directly facing us. Her little hands are framing her face. She's as big as a puppy right now (Chad and I have been raising puppies for years, so that's the best reference I can give, haha!).

Oh my darling, puffalump! I can't wait to meet you! Meanwhile, Aslan*, Daddy, and I are loving you completely from outer-womb. :-)

*We named our daughter after Lucy from C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia. I am the biggest geekfan there is, you see ;-). We said that we wanted our Little Luci to have her very own stuffed lion instead of the usual teddy bear so that she can have Aslan beside her all the time. It'll be a good way to let her know how God is also always beside her, watching her and protecting her. :-) Our good friends Jen and Eric Concepcion promptly and most generously got Luci her very own Aslan. :-)

"You Can't Pray Away the Gay"

At least they're having a conversation about it. I wish, I wish, I wish the people around me would be granted the same opportunity.

Oh, How I Heart Thee, Billy Collins

Discussed this beautiful poem in class today. The kids were blown away by the simplicity of the poem -- and how it still managed to be so profound.

Vintage Collins :-). Me, I adore him simply because he's always so KAPOOOW!

The First Dream

The Wind is ghosting around the house tonight
and as I lean against the door of sleep
I begin to think about the first person to dream,
how quiet he must have seemed the next morning

as the others stood around the fire
draped in the skins of animals
talking to each other only in vowels,
for this was long before the invention of consonants.

He might have gone off by himself to sit
on a rock and look into the mist of a lake
as he tried to tell himself what had happened,
how he had gone somewhere without going,

how he had put his arms around the neck
of a beast that the others could touch
only after they had killed it with stones,
how he felt its breath on his bare neck.

Then again, the first dream could have come
to a woman, though she would behave,
I suppose, much the same way,
moving off by herself to be alone near water,

except that the curve of her young shoulders
and the tilt of her downcast head
would make her appear to be terribly alone,
and if you were there to notice this,

you might have gone down as the first person
to ever fall in love with the sadness of another.

-Billy Collins

Let's Talk About Sex Education (Warning: Contains Spoilers on the "Existence" of Santa Claus)

Growing up, I was that kid who told the other kids that Santa Claus didn't exist. I didn't see what the big deal was, especially since, in my mind, Jesus was an even bigger reason to celebrate (and to be "nice" and not "naughty") than Santa. Not believing in Santa did not ruin my childhood, nor did it hinder me from having a vivid imagination. (Hello??? Do you even know me?)

I say this because I wanted to use this as an example of how my parents raised me. They allowed me my creativity, but they also told me enough about reality for me to appreciate imagination even more.

It was the same thing with sex.

Not Just Another Hallmark Day

I thank my heavenly Father for giving me an earthly Father like you. You've done so well, so many others have been blessed by you! And though I've gladly shared you with others, you've always loved us best, without question nor hesitation.

Mama, I'd also like to greet you today because every time Papa was on tour (and being duly shared, hehehe...), you were our Papa. Goodness knows you had a difficult time, but you never made us feel like we were a burden. I love you veryveryvery much.

All my life, Pa, you have always been my measure of a man. And I know that once upon a time, I told you I was never going to leave you (haha, Little Princess kasi e!), but now when I look at my husband, and I see your spirit in him, I realized it was you who never left me.

Happy Father's Day, Papa!!! I love you!!!

Of Mysteries, Absurdities, and Faith

(Thank you to my dearest friend, GP Eleria, for uploading this on YouTube.)

The above song is a recording of the Nordic Chamber Choir's rendition of O Magnum Mysterium (M. Lauridsen). It's technically a responsorial chant, usually sung in Christmas. Roughly translated, it speaks of the glorious mystery of the baby Christ as the animals come to worship him in his manger.

The reason I am posting this right now, at the tail end of a sublimely humid day (but it's drizzling now, so hurrah), is that earlier today, a good friend posted one of my favorite lines of St. Anselm. Since he and I studied him in Filipino, the quote he used was in Filipino. Roughly translated (again) though, the quote says something like this: I thought I should understand you before I could love you, but I needed to love you before I could understand you.

The Light of God's Answer

Chaddy and I knew from the get-go that we wanted to have kids. We started trying soon after the wedding, but we knew it would take some time. For years I've had a bum reproductive system. I won't go into the wonderful details of my ovaries and uterus and whatnot, but suffice it to say, we knew that my pipich reproductive system would have to go through a lot.

Sure enough, it wasn't easy. Month after month, we'd try and then get disappointed. We'd make jokes about it, but really, it was hard. It was especially hard because some well-meaning (oh, who am I kidding, some of them were mean-spirited) people would keep asking when we'd have kids (as if we didn't want any) or (gasp) why we didn't have kids yet. *sigh* I can only speak for myself, but it's a different kind of sadness when you get disappointed, hope again, then get disappointed yet again. My body went through hell, but my heart. Oh, my heart. My heart would break month after month after month.

Exhausted with all the trying and corresponding disappointments, I was ready to quit trying. One of my good friends who also happens to be a ninang gave me some perspective though. She told me to ask myself why I kept at it. She told me to look at Chaddy and our relationship to realize that, "wala namang kulang." Chad and I were perfect as we were, and if we do become blessed with a child, it would be a beautiful addition, and not something to plug in a hole. And it's true, blessings shouldn't be chased. They just come when we least expect it, and, more importantly, when the Lord sees that we are ready to receive it.

So, not that we stopped trying, but Chaddy and I got a bit more perspective. I, for one, ceased being all too rabid about it. I stopped being so hard on myself (well, as much as I could since I'm hard on myself over almost everything...). So when I finally found out I was pregnant, I wept. I wasn't even expecting it to happen. I seriously thought I had an infection of some sort. When the nurse/technician/I dunno said I was pregnant (I had to take a urine test to see if I was sick with anything...or pregnant...), I cried like a cartoon character -- you know, trajectory tears and everything. With hyperventilation. Basta, think of the most melodramatic way a person could possibly cry. That would be me. She panicked for a while, she thought I was devastated and had no one to help me. In the midst of tears and laughter, I told her I was married and I was happy and she didn't have to worry.

The last few weeks have been wonderful. Well, physically, it's been weird. But things are sort of tapering off, and I'm more at peace with all the bodily changes. Several friends have commented on my excitement and how it has been rubbing off on people (one even said that because of my excitement, people are literally getting pregnant around me! Kaboom, goes the Baby Boom...). Well, it's because we've been trying so desperately for almost three years. But also, because we are humbled because the Lord has deemed us ready for such a wonderful blessing.

Her name will be Lucia Eliana. Lucia means "light" and we settled on that name ages ago. (We also have a name for a boy -- I'm telling you, we were trying for a loooong time.) Since it took us this long, we also decided to add a second name, Eliana, which means, "God has answered." And so this beautiful child will be a constant reminder that we are living in the light of God's answer to our prayers.

Five more months and I cannot wait! You all have been splendidly brilliant to us this whole time with your prayers and well wishes. We cannot thank you enough, really. Please continue to pray for us and the other preggo women out there. (What say we stage our own production number ala the pregnant girlettes in Glee? Haha, and what was up with that??? Did you see their ankles? Pregnant my big, fat, widening bumbum...)

So there. What a treat. :-) I'm not even so hung up over getting a ladylike laugh anymore. I'm too happy for that. So I'll end with that, my happy, boisterous, and preposterous cackle. :-)

LOL!!! x)

Next on My To-Do: A Ladylike Laugh.

I've repeatedly prayed for several things all my life. Some of which include the following:

1.    Longer legs.
2.    Bigger boobs.
3.    Three or four inches more in height.
4.    A flatter tummy.
5.    More books.
6.    A monster metabolism.
7.    Perfect eyesight.
8.    A ladylike laugh.
9.    A baby.
10.  The power to pause time.

I've learned to let go of some wishes (like becoming taller), while some wishes have more or less defined my very existence. I've been praying for the grace to let go of some desires so that I can defer to God's plans for me.

Now, I think I have proven that the world operates on reverse psychology...Or God has finally thought I would be ready for this. Well. Let's hope so.

World: It has finally happened. I'm finally pregnant. Gloriously, wonderfully, amazingly pregnant. Now, when someone tells me I got fat, I can say with much aplomb, "It's because I'm pregnant, you ninkampoop!"

Oh, can anything else be more felicitous than this!?!?!

Oh, and by the way, I think God has thrown in #2 just for being a loyal customer. :-) Hurray.

(And now to work on that ladylike laugh...)