Not Just Another Hallmark Day

I thank my heavenly Father for giving me an earthly Father like you. You've done so well, so many others have been blessed by you! And though I've gladly shared you with others, you've always loved us best, without question nor hesitation.

Mama, I'd also like to greet you today because every time Papa was on tour (and being duly shared, hehehe...), you were our Papa. Goodness knows you had a difficult time, but you never made us feel like we were a burden. I love you veryveryvery much.

All my life, Pa, you have always been my measure of a man. And I know that once upon a time, I told you I was never going to leave you (haha, Little Princess kasi e!), but now when I look at my husband, and I see your spirit in him, I realized it was you who never left me.

Happy Father's Day, Papa!!! I love you!!!

Of Mysteries, Absurdities, and Faith

(Thank you to my dearest friend, GP Eleria, for uploading this on YouTube.)

The above song is a recording of the Nordic Chamber Choir's rendition of O Magnum Mysterium (M. Lauridsen). It's technically a responsorial chant, usually sung in Christmas. Roughly translated, it speaks of the glorious mystery of the baby Christ as the animals come to worship him in his manger.

The reason I am posting this right now, at the tail end of a sublimely humid day (but it's drizzling now, so hurrah), is that earlier today, a good friend posted one of my favorite lines of St. Anselm. Since he and I studied him in Filipino, the quote he used was in Filipino. Roughly translated (again) though, the quote says something like this: I thought I should understand you before I could love you, but I needed to love you before I could understand you.

The Light of God's Answer

Chaddy and I knew from the get-go that we wanted to have kids. We started trying soon after the wedding, but we knew it would take some time. For years I've had a bum reproductive system. I won't go into the wonderful details of my ovaries and uterus and whatnot, but suffice it to say, we knew that my pipich reproductive system would have to go through a lot.

Sure enough, it wasn't easy. Month after month, we'd try and then get disappointed. We'd make jokes about it, but really, it was hard. It was especially hard because some well-meaning (oh, who am I kidding, some of them were mean-spirited) people would keep asking when we'd have kids (as if we didn't want any) or (gasp) why we didn't have kids yet. *sigh* I can only speak for myself, but it's a different kind of sadness when you get disappointed, hope again, then get disappointed yet again. My body went through hell, but my heart. Oh, my heart. My heart would break month after month after month.

Exhausted with all the trying and corresponding disappointments, I was ready to quit trying. One of my good friends who also happens to be a ninang gave me some perspective though. She told me to ask myself why I kept at it. She told me to look at Chaddy and our relationship to realize that, "wala namang kulang." Chad and I were perfect as we were, and if we do become blessed with a child, it would be a beautiful addition, and not something to plug in a hole. And it's true, blessings shouldn't be chased. They just come when we least expect it, and, more importantly, when the Lord sees that we are ready to receive it.

So, not that we stopped trying, but Chaddy and I got a bit more perspective. I, for one, ceased being all too rabid about it. I stopped being so hard on myself (well, as much as I could since I'm hard on myself over almost everything...). So when I finally found out I was pregnant, I wept. I wasn't even expecting it to happen. I seriously thought I had an infection of some sort. When the nurse/technician/I dunno said I was pregnant (I had to take a urine test to see if I was sick with anything...or pregnant...), I cried like a cartoon character -- you know, trajectory tears and everything. With hyperventilation. Basta, think of the most melodramatic way a person could possibly cry. That would be me. She panicked for a while, she thought I was devastated and had no one to help me. In the midst of tears and laughter, I told her I was married and I was happy and she didn't have to worry.

The last few weeks have been wonderful. Well, physically, it's been weird. But things are sort of tapering off, and I'm more at peace with all the bodily changes. Several friends have commented on my excitement and how it has been rubbing off on people (one even said that because of my excitement, people are literally getting pregnant around me! Kaboom, goes the Baby Boom...). Well, it's because we've been trying so desperately for almost three years. But also, because we are humbled because the Lord has deemed us ready for such a wonderful blessing.

Her name will be Lucia Eliana. Lucia means "light" and we settled on that name ages ago. (We also have a name for a boy -- I'm telling you, we were trying for a loooong time.) Since it took us this long, we also decided to add a second name, Eliana, which means, "God has answered." And so this beautiful child will be a constant reminder that we are living in the light of God's answer to our prayers.

Five more months and I cannot wait! You all have been splendidly brilliant to us this whole time with your prayers and well wishes. We cannot thank you enough, really. Please continue to pray for us and the other preggo women out there. (What say we stage our own production number ala the pregnant girlettes in Glee? Haha, and what was up with that??? Did you see their ankles? Pregnant my big, fat, widening bumbum...)

So there. What a treat. :-) I'm not even so hung up over getting a ladylike laugh anymore. I'm too happy for that. So I'll end with that, my happy, boisterous, and preposterous cackle. :-)

LOL!!! x)

Next on My To-Do: A Ladylike Laugh.

I've repeatedly prayed for several things all my life. Some of which include the following:

1.    Longer legs.
2.    Bigger boobs.
3.    Three or four inches more in height.
4.    A flatter tummy.
5.    More books.
6.    A monster metabolism.
7.    Perfect eyesight.
8.    A ladylike laugh.
9.    A baby.
10.  The power to pause time.

I've learned to let go of some wishes (like becoming taller), while some wishes have more or less defined my very existence. I've been praying for the grace to let go of some desires so that I can defer to God's plans for me.

Now, I think I have proven that the world operates on reverse psychology...Or God has finally thought I would be ready for this. Well. Let's hope so.

World: It has finally happened. I'm finally pregnant. Gloriously, wonderfully, amazingly pregnant. Now, when someone tells me I got fat, I can say with much aplomb, "It's because I'm pregnant, you ninkampoop!"

Oh, can anything else be more felicitous than this!?!?!

Oh, and by the way, I think God has thrown in #2 just for being a loyal customer. :-) Hurray.

(And now to work on that ladylike laugh...)

On Coming Home

It has been 5 months since I've returned from the US and I still run into people whom I haven't seen since leaving almost 3 years ago. The reactions never really stray from the usual exchange: My friend says, "You're back!" Which leads to the inevitable follow up question, "For how long?" And my response will always be, "For good...or at least for a very long time, depending on what the Lord reveals."

Conrado De Quiros' article today talks about "coming home," how Filipino students who study abroad must respond to the tug to go back home and help the country. I am one of those who studied in the US and came back home to work. I am, to quote De Quiros, "(putting) to good use what (I've) learned for God and country." Edgardo Angara would be proud of me.

According to Angara, (former) students like myself should "feel (we) have the support and commitment of the government." De Quiros goes on to say, however, that that is simply impossible right now, taking our current government into consideration. He he does offer hope though, seeing that PGMA's reign (yes, reign) is about to end (hopefully, barring any massive change in the constitution).

I must say, all this talk about coming back home despite the "insanity" (De Quiros' term) of that decision makes me seem very patriotic and downright awesome. Fact is, however, I came back home for purely selfish reasons. Chaddy and I went home because we wanted to come home. I mean, why on earth not? Well, actually, that's fairly easy to answer. It's easy to leave and stay away, what with the chaotic city life, choking red tape, incredible humidity (that is doing wonders to my hair), disastrous floods, and an idiotic ex president who thinks he can give it another go (well, the idiotic president throne has been vacated by Bush anyway. I mean, which president can the pundits laugh at now? But I digress...).

I suppose, then, the harder question to answer is, "What for?" I say I came back home for the chance to teach again, for the opportunity to help, for me and Chaddy to start a family, for friendship. Angara (and perhaps even De Quiros) would want those who have studied in the States to help the country, but in all honesty, I came back home for me. All political, social, and all-other-al reasons are just a pleasant offshoot of that intrinsically selfish desire to Just. Be. Back. Home. If I seem to be altruistic in my selfish pursuits, then hurrah. But make no mistake, more than anything else, coming back home was really for me.

So I think this is why it's all working out for me. Sure, things are tough and money's tight (I just realized that I've been living off relief goods...and I wasn't even affected by the floods...that's just all we can afford to eat right now, hehehe...), but I am incredibly, massively, disgustingly, paradoxically happy. I could resent being here every time I see another politician spinning the usual bull**** into (fool's) gold, I could curse the high heavens for the deluge that could have made Noah pick up an axe and several logs again, I could feign a heart attack from all the MSG in the instant noodles I eat. But. I don't, because I want to be here. I like it here. No, I love it here.

With respect to De Quiros (whom I shall eternally love) and Angara (whom I will eternally feel iffy about), perhaps instead of drumming up patriotic duty, they should focus on cultivating a love for country. Not just for the students who leave (and not return), but for those who are still here (and thinking of leaving). No amount of duty will trump my love for my country. This is my country. It's a little crappy right now, but it's my crap. And it won't always be crappy. I firmly, sincerely, and ridiculously believe that. It was easy to complain from far away (what am I saying, it's easy to complain here!), but here, I can be part of the solution. But before you think I'm being honorable again, pause, because really, how hard is it to be selfish?

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas, dude.

Personal Odysseys

As part of our discussion of The Odyssey, I asked my students to write about their own personal odysseys, to reflect on significant events in their lives that helped shape who they are today. There are the usual stories: first heartbreak helped them be more careful with relationships, first attempt at a team sport allowed them to be more appreciative of others, first failing grade made them determined to do better in school...

...and then there are those that broke my heart.

One student, upon the death of a beloved aunt has become agnostic, he now hates God (although, I told him that technically, he isn't an agnostic, "just" angry at God...which is, in light of the situation, a little comforting, because I know that there is hope for him yet). He blames God for taking away his aunt far too soon.

One student, knows that he is capable of great things (he is) but is burdened by an overwhelming sense of ennui (my word, not his, haha...) and he feels trapped.

One student, hates himself. His mother was supposed to pick him up from school one day and was gunned down. A case of mistaken identity. He blames himself.

One student, saw his father die from a heart attack in front of his very eyes. He is struggling with the grieving process and he resorts to hurting himself instead of burdening his mother with his grief.

I have a (not so) baby (anymore) brother who is the same age as my students, and I can't help but wonder if he, too, goes through bouts of self-hate. I offer a silent prayer of thanks that he is safe, that our parents are still around, and that he is, amazingly, a really good person through and through. And then I think about who I was when I was 15/16 and I shudder. Ugh. Thank God my parents stuck by me.

It is times like this that I feel so utterly useless - and yet I am inexplicably happy that I am where I am. What platitudes can I offer? What could I possibly do to make things better? (And from an icky teacher standpoint - how could I possibly be objective enough to give him a proper grade?) But I am happy that I am here where I can make a difference, no matter how minuscule.

For those of you who can, go stop doing whatever it is that you are doing and hug your parents. Hug your loved ones. Let them know they are loved. And pray for my kids. Pray that they find what God has in store for them.

*Sigh*

And now we go back to reality in 5, 4, 3...

"Anya ti nagan mo?"

I know. How cool is that?!?

Went to La Union to visit my husband's distant relatives.

The views were spectacular, but the local children were even more awesome. :-)

Um, so this is what it feels like...

I've been living a strange life these past few weeks. I've been reduced to being an Internet lurker, with hardly any chance to write anything substantial. Ugh. Needless to say, nothing really devastating has happened. To me, at least. In fact, aside from the fantastically packed schedule, everything is actually as it should be.

I've got great kids this year. But that's probably because I haven't been teaching for so long and I still miss it. Ask me again in a few months, lol. ;-) So far so good though.

We've finally moved into our new place, but that means I hardly get to see my husband during the week (something to do with his work). At least weekends are doubly awesome for us (except Sunday nights are horrible).

I feel rather strange to be in such a good place after so long. :-) Loving it, though.

Hmmm. So, yeah, I'm okay. We're okay. We're poor, but we're okay, lol :-).

"You've gained weight!" Oh, really? Well, you've lost tact.

I fully appreciate the irony here: I have a blog. There are parts of me that are for public consumption, so I do realize that I set myself up for — hmmm — moments of unwarranted familiarity with some.

For example:

Person: "How's so and so?"
Me thinking: How on earth did they know about that?
Person: "Oh, I read it in your blog!"
Me thinking: Oh.

Moments like that, I do understand. I mean, hey, I wrote about it. But since I'm pretty sure that I write about super private matters privately (or never at all), then I know that when someone out of my sphere of — well — interest asks about something private, it isn't because I offered it willingly through my blog. It is simply because they are being tactless.

What is it about Filipinos that makes them think you owe them some explanation for how you live your life? And I'm not saying offering justifications for, say, illegally crossing the street. I am talking about deeply personal matters that spring from deeply personal reasons that only a handful of people are actually qualified to ask about (and yet they don't...and that's why they're qualified).

Enough hypotheticals. Why do you people (and I'm just angry, and I don't really mean "you" in particular) think it's okay to say, "Uy, tumaba ka!" in lieu of "Hello! How are you? How have you been?"

We haven't seen each other in years and the first thing you would like to say is that I got fat??? Do you even know why I gained weight? Do you even know why it's painful to hear that? Or worse, they ask, "Kelan ba kayo magkaka-baby???" Yes, sure. We were totally not thinking of having children, but since you so sincerely asked for it, hang on a second and let me call my husband so we can start the baby making process, STAT.

Here's the thing: I gained weight because I stopped taking birth control pills. Those pills helped me with my dysmenorrhea for YEARS. The pills regulated my hormones and it helped with the monthly pain — no, torture — that I had to endure. The pills, ironically, also ensured that I will have some measure of fertility upon discontinuing them, because I also have all sorts of reproductive issues. When I stopped taking them (roughly two years ago), I went through all sorts of physical withdrawal. I gained weight, I lost weight, I gained it again. I lost hair. I broke out like you wouldn't believe. I suffered from insomnia. But I endured all that because my husband and I wanted to have a child. And since this is private and available only to select individuals, then you all know by now how painful this particular aspect of our life is to me.

SO EXCUSE ME IF MY OWN PAIN WREAKS HAVOC ON THE IMAGE YOU HAVE OF ME, but seriously, I have more important concerns. And yet, I cannot discount the fact, that every time you ask why I gained weight, or why I don't have children yet, all this — ALL THIS — instantly pierces me to the core. You're not important to me, and so your opinions shouldn't matter...but this is, perhaps, my deepest character flaw. And no matter who you are, if you say it, it will be hurtful.

The funny thing is (and by funny, I mean funny-kill-me-now, not funny-haha-like-a-frikken'-tickled-Elmo), one time I actually took the time to explain why I gained weight, you know what that horrid person said??? "Too much information!!!"

Too much information? Too much frikken' information?!?!?! PRECISELY!!! You want too much information? Dude, I haven't even begun to tell you how bad it is. I swear, I almost turned green and transformed into the most ravishing angry monster you had ever seen.

When you tell me I've gained weight (or when you tell ANYONE they've gained weight), you give me unnecessary information. Isa lang napakalaking DUH ng sinabi mo.

When you ask me why I don't have children yet, YOU ASK TOO MUCH INFORMATION FROM ME! Bakit, close ba tayo? Walang hiya ka!!!

I'm sick of smiling, playing along by saying, "Oo nga e. Hehehe."

Here are the things that I seriously want to say:

1. "Ako? Tumaba? Naku, pasensha na. Hayaan nyo po't di na ako kakain."
2. "Ay talaga? Kasi po kayo pangit pa rin e! Galing! Kasi ako, at least papayat pa, kayo ho, pangit na talaga."
3. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi silahis po asawa ko e."
4. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi silahis po ako."
5. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi mahilig kaming mag-asawa sa silahis."
6. "We have butt-sex." — This one's from Mark and Lu, LOL!
7. "Baog po ako, pasensha na ho. Okay lang po ba yun sa inyo?"
8. "Nanganak na nga ho ako e. Kaso nakita ni Angelina Jolie at Brad Pitt, nakursunadahan, ayun, in-adopt."
9. "Sige lang po, mag-novena kayo para mabuntis ako. Ipagdasal nyo na rin po na tumangkad ako, pumayat ako, yumaman ako, at mawala na sa TV si Willie Revillame."
10. "Sayaw tayo sa Ubando? Pwede bang may glow sticks dun?"
11. "E $^%&;# ka pala e, paki mo???"

Thank God I still have my real friends who don't ask, they just listen. Thank God I have my husband who loves me for exactly who I am (faulty pipes and all). And thank God for some family members who hope and pray but do not impose (I think my parents have mastered this, LOL!).

I had dinner with one of my very good friends who also happens to be our ninang sa kasal the other day, and she told me the most wonderful food for thought: When I look at my self and my husband, wala namang kulang e. We are happy the way we are. We don't have much, but by God, we're happy. Having a child will be dagdag — all other blessings are dagdag — but wala namang kulang sa aming mag-asawa.

I was planning to gain more weight and remain childless as a big f-you to those other people. But as it happens, my body is still adjusting to this heat, so I've lost about ten pounds since moving back. Holding out on the baby thing just might be easier.

*Sigh* So there. F that.

Hello. And so we meet again.

So it's been a full week now. My sweat glands have been resuscitated, my atopic dermatitis (skin asthma) is on overdrive, my sleeping pattern is off (which, ironically, means I'm sleeping and waking up normally since I usually have very bad insomnia), and I've gleefully read four books (I'm now on my fifth).

However, it seems as though, no matter how much I psyched myself for this, I was and am still ill-prepared for the monstrosity that is this humidity. It made me wonder if I ever handled this better — I mean, surely I praised this heat to high heavens but a few months ago. Yes, granted, it was during the height of winter, but still! Was it ever really this bad? I swear, for about five minutes this afternoon, I probably went into a shallow coma. I tried to imagine myself in Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, or at least in Mitchell's Savannah, conjuring up some semi-glamorous scene — me on a rocking chair on a creaky porch drinking heavenly sweet tea. I opened my eyes and realized it was just sticky, rash-y me on a couch that was a wonderfully able conduit of evil-evil heat.

So far, my husband has been driving me around because he is the consummate gentleman — and also because I have since gained a renewed appreciation for, well, being alive. Good grief. After driving in the sleepy streets of Grand Rapids, Manila traffic has rendered me fearful for my life. No, seriously. I still have to look at my husband in complete wonderment because he was able to fall back into the groove of driving here, whereas I have resigned myself to the fact that I shall forever be either a commuter or a passenger.

I miss our GR friends. I miss having access to the Internet 24/7 (this one is particularly hard to get over, LOL!). I miss my favorite bar. I miss my cubicle at work. I miss my co-workers. I miss my family — eating dinner and watching Brian Williams together. I miss our church. I miss going to church with my family. Hoo-weee.

But.

It is glorious to be back home. I wake up in the middle of the night and hear Manila nighttime noises. The all-too-familiar skyline greets me everyday. At any given moment during the day, someone, somewhere, is always laughing. Always. :-) The food is UN-BE-LIEVE-A-BLE. Conversations with old friends belie the more than two years spent apart. Our dog, Sushi, curled up against me and promptly fell asleep after heaving a huge and contented sigh. My husband's aunties were here to visit because my father-in-law passed away, and they are a HOOT! :-) It was great to see my in-laws again. And best of all, it is easier to fall asleep now, because my husband is beside me again.

I've been asked several times why I came home. Which place is better. Would I stay long. Aside from the why I came home part, the rest of the usual questions, I honestly don't know how to answer. Right now, I am on the brink of something great (something about work — I don't want to jinx it, so I won't say anything more than this: Weee!) and I feel like I can't say anything final as of yet. All I know is that right now, I feel like I am where I should be. And good things are about to happen.

And so I'm home. And it's great. :-)

T Minus 34 Hours

It's worth a shot. :-(

Excited and sad, all at the same time.

Click on the image to enlarge. Photo from xkcd.