Family

I saw this picture posted on the Facebook page of Wipe Out Homophobia and it nearly moved me to tears. I'll be quoting the caption as it appeared on the group's page.

They (Alan and Brian) have always dreamed of starting a family.
They took matters into their own hands and found a surrogate in India.
They were more than pleasantly surprised when they learned that
she was pregnant with twins. The pair has recently returned to
New York City from India with their son and daughter
in tow - and now the family is complete...

Now my feelings on the matter are quite obvious, so I won't be going on my soapbox at this juncture. Just...look at the picture and be filled with joy. I am filled with joy, simply because, I know this kind of love; between partners, between parent and child, and, well, everything in between.

Happy weekend. Be full of love. :)

Moo, Pare

It is 8:37 and Lucia is asleep.

Today is the beginning of the end of my break from school. Come Monday, I shall be back with my colleagues, planning for the school year to come. It also means, by Monday, I won't be with Lucia 24 hours a day.

Every day since the break began, our schedule has been pretty much the same. We'd wake between 6 and 7 in the morning. Yaya will whisk her away so she could eat brekkie and I'd sneak in a few more minutes of sleep. I'd have a hasty meal and then it's reading time for me and her. At around 9, I'd turn on the TV so she can watch Dora the Explorer and The Backyardigans. At 10, it's off to her morning bath. I'd sneak in a quick shower as well, but she'd be soaking and playing in her tub for about half an hour (she loooves the water). If all goes well, she'll nurse a bit and then nap for about 2-3 hours. We go have lunch when she wakes up and then we play around some more. At around 2 or 3, we'll prep the pool so we can go swimming (have I told you how much she loooves the water?) and then we go have a little snack. She either watches TV or we play around until dinner at around 6. We have our evening bath at around 7 (my husband usually does this part) and then we watch her all-time favorites: Pocoyo, Elmo, and/or the Backyardigans. By 8 (or 9), she's usually asleep.

In between all that -- nay, in the midst of all of that -- there is breastfeeding. Yup. Lucia is 17.5 months old, and she still almost exclusively still relies on me for milk. We've had a difficult and expensive relationship with formula since she was born, and we've only very recently discovered (almost by pure accident) the kind of milk that she actually likes.

(Aside: She will only take this formula that's actually gleaned from goat's milk. Funnily enough, a pedia told us before that goat's milk actually mimics human milk more than cow's milk; maybe that's why Lucia hated all those other kinds of formula.) 

As a result of being the human version of the sacred cow of India, I've had to eat/drink weird things -- and amazing quantities of them -- just to keep up with the demand. I dunno if it's the actual food/drink or the power of suggestion that is at play here, but for some weird reason, it actually works. So indulge me if this would seem strange, but I am hoping that this would prove useful to at least some of you who would accidentally stumble upon this particular entry. :))

Okay, so here are the things I eat/drink:

1. Balut - If you don't know what this is, I urge you to Google it...on an empty stomach (because if you don't know what it is, then you won't know that people actually eat this). I don't mind since, ehem, I'm actually fond of balut. 
2. Malunggay - This is something most Filipino mothers know (if only because every.single.person has probably told a pregnant Filipino mother to eat malunggay, and lots of it). I eat copious amounts of the leaves plus that long, weird-looking fruit (or is it vegetable) that grows along with the leaves. 
3. Clams - Our manang has been serving this for lunch every Saturday, telling me to eat.eat.eat.eat.eat because it's good for my milk production. Well, it looks like it's working.working.working.working. 
4. Ampalaya - There aren't many fans of ampalaya. I've only actually begun appreciating its taste fairly recently. Again, for some odd reason, eating it seems to work. 
5. Dark Beer - No, seriously. I've been told it works. I am not just creating a loophole to sustain my functioning alcoholism ;p. 

Needless to say, of all the "nursing aids", this is my favorite. So there. I've been asked about how long I plan to breastfeed. I really don't know. Inasmuch as this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do (hmmm, wait, being in labor for a day and a half might be a tad harder), the thought of weaning makes me shudder. It'll happen when it'll happen. I'm not really rushing.

'Sides, look at the tasty things I have to get to eat! :D

Goodbye, April

I took a quick look at last year's April entries and I am pretty amazed at how different the blogging batting average was then compared to this April. I realized that while last year was challenging, especially since I was a full time mom with no help, this year has been action-packed, now that I am a (temporary) full time mom to a toddler.

Ugh. Toddler. I still have problems with calling Lucia a "toddler."

Anyway. For one thing, it's pretty amazing to realize, albeit via hindsight, how much "free time" I had back then. Lucia took more and longer naps and she could stay in one place and be hunky dory. Goodness, running after a toddler is vastly different. And this time around, I need to be a lot more animated, because Lucia's standards for entertainment are pretty high. Oh, and I learned to love Elmo and Pocoyo. I mean absolutely love them. They don't know how much they've helped me keep Lucia occupied.

Oh, but the smiles, the babbling (sssh, don't tell her I called it that -- she firmly believes she's talking sense already), and the manipulative crying (and I say that with impish glee -- for now)! It really is amazing to see how much she's growing.

But April is about to end. That means work's about to start again, I go back to being out of the house for about 12 hours (more if you count the travel time). I am plagued by the usual dread, but I have to admit, it is now coupled with a little bit more excitement this time around. I'm looking forward to meeting my new students, new co-teachers, old friends. But more than anything, I kinda miss having thoughts that are my own, said in a mental-voice that isn't high pitched and singsong-y. :)

And so it goes. Goodbye, April. Hello, May. Let's see what you shall bring.

Hodgepodge

Lucia just turned 17 months old last Sunday. Yup, no longer a baby.

She has a personality of a firecracker (ehem), with a quick smile and a haughty gaze to knock you down.

The days are getting intolerably warm (and yet I remember having hotter summers than this), so she spends a lot of time either in her kiddie pool or in the tub. For all her flailing before (well, she was only 3 months old at the time), this little munchkin sure does love the water.

It's April, so I'm in full-time mommy mode. Which means I'm virtually exhausted most of the time, but also much, much, much happier. :)

She's napping now, so I better nap along with her. Last time I decided against it, I regretted it a few hours after, hehe.

On the Mend

Just that. Things are on the mend. Just as I was reticent when things began, so shall I be as things are...on whatever stage this is. Things are on the mend, and I shall be all right. All shall be well. :)

For those of you who were at our wedding, you will know what this song means. ;)

I Did Not Notice...

We had a class party last night and I thought it was going to be an ordinary (albeit much anticipated) get-together. I like how I was able to spend quality time with a lot of them -- I even managed to sneak a few heart-to-hearts with some of them.

As I was about to leave though, they presented me with gifts! Cake, letters, and a huge-ass jar of Skittles (my favorite!). One of them even gave me a fan that he made himself. They are so loving, I can't believe anything to the contrary could be used to describe them. I've been having a difficult month, but they've been a constant source of joy. Oh my, how I shall miss them.

I showed them this video on the last day of school, because I told them I'd be waiting for them to call for me, because I would only be a call away, because the end of the year doesn't mean I'd end being their mother. The video takes on another meaning now, but I shall keep that to myself at this point. They've given me enough love to buffer me for the days to come...as they shall become even more challenging.




They kept thanking me for being their mother, for taking care of them. They apologized for not showing me enough how much they love me. Silly things. They have no idea how happy they have made me throughout the year, how comforting they were to me...how so much of the difficulty of the past few weeks has been because I haven't been able to see them. Because of them, I did not notice the zombies, the nuclear apocalypse, and all the other doom-makers. Now, it seems as though that's all I see. Lucia, poor thing, has been working overtime, being my sole source of comfort now.

I do love my boys, the children of my heart.

But it's time to let them go and let them forge their own ways. I just wish they don't fall prey to the zombies. Or those zombies shall hear from me.

Sing It, Baby

Tired of trying to verbalize everything e. Singing it all away na lang.







 
And this is why This is why Why we fight Come hell Bride of quiet Bride of all unquiet things Bride of quiet Bride of hell
    I never saw the point in trying Cause I would only let you down And I just couldn't take you down there with me I just can't stand to see you drown  I never saw the point in crying Cause I can't be the way you want And I don't want lay around here waiting Waiting for you to change your mind
   
Well I reached in the cupboard for something to feed you and I hoped that these words were enough to keep you but the moon is so high and the stars are so bright you could be the one that I needed 
 When the sun came you hit the trail like an old cowboy bent for the wild road and so I carved your name into all the tree legs and we waited for you until dark came 
 I once knew a man who told a tale as tall as the mountains that he came from and he said there's a place where all the folks wait when death strips their faces of color Are you there?
   
 Pearl:  I walk down the road and I’m alone again, but I will sing a song as I go I walk down the road and I’m alone again, butYou will be the voice in my throat 
 Beard: All these years I’ve travelled down the lonely pathway Singing something you’ll never know All these years I’ve travelled down the lonely pathway You have been the voice in my throat
   
 And in the future Our love will surely fade away Or so they tell me  But we know better don't we So I keep singing my song Won't you sing along? 
 So tell me truth don’t tell me lies I’ve seen the truth inside your eyes Life is so short, everyone dies So live a beautiful lie
   
And when it all comes crashing down,  what can you do, to find what you're looking for?  And then the words will come to you, driving through the rain. 
 But there'll be no one there to say them to anyway.

Galloping That Heralds Unicorns; Not Horses, Not Zebras

Quick. Somebody tell the Unicorn that he finally exists. I've managed to find enough free time to write this post. Anything's possible now.

And so the school year has mostly come to an end. We still need to evaluate the program -- prune and rearrange topics here and there. But that's all work for the coming school year. The work for this school year is all done. I am all shades of sad and lonely and nostalgic and relieved.

The thing about being a teacher is the inevitable goodbyes. The kids are with us for just a year and, like it or not, they will move on. Kids being kids, they're usually resilient enough to move on fairly quickly. It'll take a while for me to completely let go though. Just a few days ago, as we were moving in to our (finally) newly renovated offices, I was segregating my stuff, determining what to throw away, what to keep. I stumbled upon a class list, somehow unscathed, and I almost wept. Ugh, I'm such a dork.

I am also lonely because for the most part of the day, my kids were my source of comfort. I am not doing well (understatement and deliberately vague, I'm afraid), and with them gone, I am forced to...think.

Funny how nostalgic I feel now. All one has to do is to go back to my previous posts to see how challenging this school year was, how ready I was to throw in the towel. But nostalgia has given me fantastically rose-colored glasses. All I remember is how fun it was. Well, that's not true, I will also always look back to this year as having been the most personally exhausting year ever, but I shall miss it.

Which is why I'm relieved, I suppose. Not that it's over, but that I can have another year to make bawi. Because just as much as goodbyes and endings are inevitable, so are hellos and new beginnings.

Yeah, after all the huffing and puffing, the house was blown down. I just wasn't expecting the house to be what it is. So yeah, I'll be coming back.

Ugh. And now to more important matters.

(Please, Unicorn, take me and my daughter away from all this.)

‎"The Greek word for 'return' is nostos. Algos means 'suffering.' So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return." (From Ignorance by Milan Kundera.)

ASDFGHJKL

Anger.

Just. Anger.

And fatigue.

And ennui.

Mostly anger.

Just. Anger.

Anger.

Vertigo and Vertical

And so this blasted vertigo has rendered me prostate for most of the day. I'm fine when I'm lying down (well, at least it's not as bad), but when I stand up, I start to feel woozy and pukey and...well, it's like I'm about to fade into a massive Hitchcockian flashback sequence, is what I'm saying.

(And no, I am not pregnant. Believe me.)

Anyway.

Lucia had a hardish time going to sleep tonight. Usually it's about an hour of Sesame Street and peekaboos and nursing, but tonight, for some reason, she had a really hard time getting to sleep. I tried the usual (singing Twinkle Twinkle, placing her on my chest...) but it simply didn't work. Thinking she felt hot, I stood up, picked her up, and rocked her near the fan. She quickly fanangled her way into a cradle, so I was soon rocking back and forth, with the length of her wrapping around most of my upper body. Within 2 minutes, she was fast asleep.

In between giant gulps of air to keep the nausea down, it dawned on me just how big she's gotten. She isn't as porky as before (she's gaining weight again though, thank goodness), but my gulay, the height in this one! Certainly not vertically challenged like Mommy. There was a time when I could carry her with just one arm. Now it takes both arms and a strategically-angled shoulder.

Four days old. Seems like yesterday.

Oh, Lucia.

Well, she might be a big girl now, but she wants to be rocked and cradled by Mommy. I hope for a long time still.

Forced

And so it has come to this: the fatigue has reduced me to this snivelly mess of aches and vertigo. Decided to stay home today, mostly also because I wanted to monitor Lucia who's had a weird cough. Okay, and yeah, I'm sick. Sick-ish. Okay, sick.

I hate taking days off or admitting that I'm ill. I'd much rather minister to others who are sick. I can't stop thinking of all the stuff I could be doing at work instead.

Mostly also because, when I'm not working, I'm thinking, and when I'm thinking I'm...

But I don't want to think.

The end of the school year is nigh. Must look forward to that instead. Yes, looking forward to that.