It is finished!

("Finished" must be pronounced as "fi-ni-shed" so it'll have that theatrical ring to it, lol.)

Today was a beautiful day. Hard to believe that it was snowing like the dickens yesterday. There was a definite hum of efficiency in school today -- it was as if everybody else had stuff to do and boy-oh-boy were they going to finish it today!

And so I printed my final draft and had my final meeting with advisor. After a few minor format changes, I went back to the computer lab, printed the final version of my thesis, dashed to Kinko's to have that bad boy bound, and dropped it off my advisor's office.

So there. I'm done. *blink-blink*

And now I shall launch into a full on screaming spree.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

I can't believe I'm done, a whole two weeks before deadline. Hoooooweee. Now I don't know what I'll do with all my free time. (Here's an idea: do all the memes I was tagged to do weeks ago! LOL!)

Thank you, everyone, for all the support and kind words. I had been writing nonstop for several months, but in reality, I had been researching for this thing for two whole years. Every paper I did all throughout my graduate studies had been geared towards this single topic, so I feel like I just gave birth to a bonny little thesis. Gah. God is good.

Here's what I wrote on my acknowledgment page:

"In writing this final project, and indeed all throughout my graduate studies, I have benefited from the encouragement, advice, and constructive criticism of Professor Douglas Busman. I also thank Mrs. M. Pengson and Mrs. L. Agnir-Paraan who inspired me to teach in the first place. I still hope to be like them when I grow up. I thank the Ateneo de Manila community – former teachers, colleagues, and students. Thank you for affirming the belief that this is my life’s purpose. I thank my parents who lead by example. And I thank my husband whose love and support guided me through the storms of writer’s block (and more).
I shall always love my country no matter where I may be. I will never forget who I am – and I am who I am because of all of you.

Lastly, I humbly dedicate this project to the Filipino students of tomorrow. Let us constantly embrace the unfolding mystery of our identity. Let us humbly be unapologetic in claiming our own future."

It. Is. Finish-ed!!!

I need your participation in this exercise in self-indulgence.

N.B. I honestly thought I had successfully cross-posted this the same time I published this on "the other side." Ack. It's a little anti-climactic now, especially since the other post has so many awww-inducing replies already, but what the heck. This should be interesting. 

Answer all, most, or some of these questions about me. It doesn't really matter (changing the rules a bit). Thank you!

1. The love of my life.
2. Where you and I met.
3. Take a stab at my middle name.
4. How long you've known me.
5. The last time that we saw each other.
6. Would I ever go sky diving?
7. Your first impression of me upon meeting me/seeing me.
8. Am I funny?
9. My favorite type of music.
10. Can I sing?
11. The best feature about me.
12. What do I want to do more than anything?
13. What is one thing that you think I should do?
14. Do I have any special talents? If so, what are they?
15. Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?
16. Have you ever hugged me?
17. My favorite food.
18. If there was one good nickname for me, it would be...
19. Your favorite memory of me.
20. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, I would bring...
21. Do I believe in God?
22. Who is my best friend?
23. Will you repost this so I can fill this out for you?

Fun Meme for Bookworms (or Other Cool People with Similar Proclivities...)

Rules:

• Grab the book nearest you. Right now. (Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.)
• Open to a random page
• Find the fifth sentence.
• Write your answers in the comment box.

"Yet we still do not know where the drive to truth comes from, for so far we have only heard about the obligation to be truthful which society imposes in order to exist, i.e. the obligation to use the customary metaphors, or, to put it in moral terms, the obligation to lie in accordance with firmly established convention, to lie en masse and in a style that is binding for all."

On Truth and Lying in a Non-Moral Sense, Friedrich Nietzsche

For the Record

As some of you might know, I am pretty liberal. Therefore, it won't be so difficult to guess how I feel about the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. But I choose not to blog about them because they're usually fallacious, mean-spirited, and to be upset with them long enough to write a blog entry explaining why they're awful would just be a monstrous waste of time. I know they're "just entertainers" anyway, so meh.

But, in light of recent pronouncements, I feel the need to state for the record, that I absolutely despise them both, to my very core. There.

Moving on...

Breaking Free from Self-Made Shackles

As some of you might know, I am currently working on my thesis. I'm creating a learning unit that aims to teach English to Filipinos in such a way that it encourages original thought and promotes a renewed and well-defined national identity and NOT perpetuate the cloying effects of Colonial Mentality. Aside from my wonderful advisor, there seems to be a growing bunch of individuals who are really excited to read the final product. I can't say I blame them because -- and I say this with as much humility as I can muster -- I think my topic rocks.

At the same time, though, I am at the point of my research and writing where I feel stumped not only because of the ever-present threat of writer's block, but also because, to tell you quite honestly, it's a little depressing. I am not writing this thesis for the sake of academic what-ifs. Technically, it's a Master's Project because I intend to create a working unit, one that can be applied in the classroom. But I am discouraged by the creeping awareness that this little-project-that-could, well, won't.

I'm designing the unit so that it can be adapted to the curriculum of the school where I used to teach: an all-boys, Catholic school, that has long been the precursor of innovative pedagogical paradigms. But with all due respect to that school and its community, that school doesn't need this lesson as much as other schools do. As much as other children do. That school already has a wealth of resources available to them. I know that I need to go to the heads of the public education system to affect real change in Philippine society. If I want to make real change in the Philippine educational system, I need to go to the root of the problem. And there lies the rub. My idealism is dwarfed by the enormity of corruption and apathy that surround public schools. I feel tiny and insignificant and lost.

This is no pipedream. This topic isn't one that I just plucked out of nowhere. Every single paper I've done since I began my Masters has been towards this end. And now that I'm nearing the finish line, I am bogged down by negativity and utter hopelessness. How do I tell the powers-that-be that we should stop emulating the colonizer that no longer occupies us? How do I tell my fellow Filipinos to snap out of their insipid obsessions on copying The Other that clearly has had their fill of us? Hang on, Mr. Tumbleweed, let me join you as you bound aimlessly in the highway of cultural denial...

...Or maybe I'm just tired. Yes, maybe that's just it. This topic is getting the better of me. As it should be, I suppose. Enough writing for today, I guess. I'll be back to my old chipper self tomorrow. For now, listen to me, Oh Great Vastness of Cyberspace. Listen to me fellow Filipinos near and far: We are shackled by our own self-doubts. The oppressor has long gone. We need not be bound by their influence anymore. We can't blame it all on Them anymore. We are the ones bringing ourselves down. Let's be rid of this borrowed identity and forge our own. Because I don't know about you, but I want to be free.

Proust-y the Snowman...

...LOL. I apologize. We're in the middle of a semi-snowstorm, so I couldn't resist.

Got this from Aimee who got this from Vanity Fair. Here we go...

"Since July 1993, the back page of Vanity Fair has been devoted to the Proust Questionnaire, in which a noteworthy person answers a series of personal questions. The questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust (1871–1922), the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature." (VF)

1.What is your idea of perfect happiness? 
I have none. Because perfect happiness...

2.What is your greatest fear? 
...scares me. While perfection intrigues me and baits me, to actually achieve it scares me. What else will there be once it is achieved? And my puny human brain is incapable of wrapping itself around the notion of perfection.

3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I hate my temper, although I must give myself chops because it has toned down significantly.

4.What is the trait you most deplore in others? 
Deliberate ignorance -- Pareho tayo, Aims. I have such a low tolerance for ignorance (maybe that's one of the reasons I became a teacher, lol), but deliberate ignorance? Forget it. You are dead to me.

5.Which living person do you most admire? 
It's difficult to answer this. Top of mind na lang: Anthony Bourdain. LOL.

6.What is your greatest extravagance?
My books, closely followed by my shoes.

7.What is your current state of mind? 
Mild panic. Denial is a wonderful thing.

8.What do you consider the most overrated virtue? 
Conservatism.

9.On what occasion do you lie? 
Playing cards ;-). But I don't do that so well.

10.What do you most dislike about your appearance? 
Do you have an hour? Geez.

11.Which living person do you most despise? 
There are six of them, and I don't remember any of their names, save for one.

12.What is the quality you most like in a man? 
Humor and integrity.

13.What is the quality you most like in a woman? 
Integrity and humor. Really, why ought it be different from what I would admire in a man?

14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse? 
"Awesome" and "Crap." That means I go through both extremes a lot during the day, lol. :-)

15.What or who is the greatest love of your life? 
Chaddy.

16.When and where were you happiest? 
The months immediately preceding my leaving for the States in 2006. But those were also some of my saddest months.

17.Which talent would you most like to have? 
To swim like that first lady who crossed the English channel. I figured it might come in handy, since the worst way to die as far as I'm concerned is by drowning.

18.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 
I get hurt very easily, I just don't show it.

19.What do you consider your greatest achievement? 
Getting married, not to Mr. Right, but to Mr. Right For Me.

20.If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? 
A star. Like the ones up there, not like a celebrity.

21.Where would you most like to live? 
Manila.

22.What is your most treasured possession?
My journals.

23.What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? 
I don't even want to write it down for fear of having it happen too soon.

24.What is your favorite occupation?
It's a toss up between reading and writing.

25.What is your most marked characteristic?
My wit? My righteous indignation? My height? I don't know, this is best answered by someone else.

26.What do you most value in your friends?
Support.

27.Who are your favorite writers?
*groan* Not this impossible question! No, I'm walking away...

28.Who is your hero of fiction?
Lucy Pevensie

29.Which historical figure do you most identify with? 
Can't say that I do with anyone.

30.Who are your heroes in real life? 
Honestly? My husband. He always takes care of me.

31.What are your favorite names?
We've already picked names for our future kids (if we do have kids), but I don't want to write them down because I might jinx it! LOL.

32.What is it that you most dislike?
Like I said, deliberate ignorance.

33.What is your greatest regret? 
Good answer, Aims. No regret, just remorse. I'm sorry I stayed far longer than I should have with someone in particular. But, at least I was able to gain really good friends because of my association with him. So quits lang. ;-)

34.How would you like to die?
With a smile on my face.

35.What is your motto?
Credo quia absurdum. I believe precisely because it's absurd.

We're Too Damn Nice

In the interest of full disclosure, I will say (as if you didn't know by now) that I am a rabid fan of Anthony Bourdain. So if I were to say that last night's episode of No Reservations was another spectacular manifestation of the genius of Bourdain, it shouldn't be that big a surprise.

But since last night's episode was on the Philippines, I loved the episode not only because of its technical merits but also because it was able to get to the meat of the matter (alert: lame attempt at pun #1). Last night was no ordinary travel episode. No near-manic exclamations about the Philippines' inherent beauty. No over zealous panning of smiling men-women-children amidst a backdrop of muted poverty. And aside from the fleeting understatement on how the Filipinos were so "ridiculously nice" to Bourdain, there was no hyped-up (re)utterance regarding Filipino hospitality. Not to say that all these aren't true. They are. But if I had a buck for every time this sort of cop-out sentimentality comes up...

...This was a realistic presentation of a question so intrinsic to all Filipinos -- a question that probably lingers at the back of the mind of many of those fortunate to live in the Philippines; a question that burns in the front burner (as opposed to the back burner -- lame attempt at pun #2) for those who, like myself, live so far: What is "Filipino"?

In Bourdain's narration, I could sense his perplexity. Are Filipinos Malayan? Chinese? Spanish? American? This confusion regarding our national identity is not only the reason there is no definitive Filipino presence in the global food scene, it is symptomatic of a cultural fault that is oftentimes thought of as a boon: That we are "too damn nice" (as Bourdain aptly put it). Instead of forging a clear identity, our default reaction at the face of a foreign presence is assimilation.

No, wait, that's a hasty generalization. I've been witness to a lot of efforts by fellow Filipinos who -- violently and peacefully -- fight for what is "truly Filipino" (no matter how enigmatic that notion may be). But I only have to look at myself to see the effects of assimilation: My so-called American accent, my movie and music preferences, the majority of books in my (ever-growing) collection, my idiomatic expressions, heck, even the language I use to blog and how I italicize Filipino words*. I have so successfully assimilated in the Western culture, that aside from the Highlander moments I have with fellow Filipinos here in the US (that is, they just *sense* that I'm Filipino), to The Other, I am just ubiquitously Asian. I have been Vietnamese, Chinese, Indonesian, and -- my favorite -- "Philippinese" so many times, it's become a game to me now ("Quick, what do you think I am?" *insert sly smile*)

Gloria Anzaldúa talks about the hybrid persona, "the new mestiza" in Borderlands/La Frontera. She talks about how, as a Chicana, she is caught in the middle of so many notions of who she is because of her cultural history. I feel for her entirely. I am letter D and letter E in the cultural multiple choice of life: none of the above, and all of the above (always, sometimes, AND never).

But instead of dissecting the parts of my hybridity, I want to embrace all of these wonderfully opposing-while-also-complementing parts that make me who I am. This hybrid identity IS the new identity. All of the above, none of the above, always, sometimes, and never, full stop. No parenthetical remarks. In the same way as all 7000+ islands make up one country, all those influences make up one identity.

Bourdain felt sad for Augusto, his pseudo-Virgil, and rightly so. Augusto reminds me of a Fil-Am friend I have here who also struggles to find the balance between being raised American while being proudly Filipino. Now that he and his wife are about to have a child, the question spills over to how they will raise their child and how they will strike their own balance in the formation of his/her own national identity. But while the episode ended with a somber note, the story of the Filipino goes on. And while the quest for national identity is not unique to Filipinos, it goes without saying that perhaps this question should be dealt with more urgency and seriousness in the midst of our frenzied attempts to assimilate.

Good grief. I haven't even talked about the food that was featured!  But see, the episode was so much more than the food (but oh, glorious food!!!) and became downright existential for me. Guh. Well done, Bourdain.

Oh, and while you've officially named Cebu's lechon the "best pig ever," allow me to haughtingly say, tell me something I didn't know. ;-)

Now where can I find me some sisig?!?!?!

* But I must be more forgiving of myself on this point as I realize I have an international audience -- woohoo, I have an audience. Another coin in my Narcisstic Piggy Bank.

A Series of Unrelated But Feakishly Well-Timed Moments of Epiphany

This past week has been pretty hectic at work, what with the laying off of four significant people in the organization (my [former] boss included). Despite that, several interesting things happened this week:

Aha Moment # 1

I won a free 2-year gym membership. If that isn't a sign that I should start exercising, I don't know what is! LOL. Of course, I won't be able to take advantage of the whole prize, and I still have to find out if there are any strings attached to this whole arrangement. Still, it's still pretty funny when you think about it.

Whether or not this pans out, yes, I got the message. I have to get my butt moving.

Aha Moment # 2

I have always credited several teachers for my decision to start teaching. But the one who was the most influential has been beyond my reach for several years. I had always wanted to find a way to let her know how significant she was -- and still is -- in my life, but for one reason or another, I was never able to really contact her until recently.

One of my best gals was able to see her in a conference and touch base with her. So I got hold of her email address and promptly wrote her a thank-you note. It was weird because as I was writing the email, I felt myself choking up. After all these years, whenever I talk about teaching, and my reasons behind it, I still find myself coming close to tears. Barring the times when I talk about how my husband is so amazing (for those of you who were in our wedding, you'd know this -- remember how nobody could understand our wedding vows because we were crying through the whole thing? LOL), talking about teaching is the only time I get overly emotional. (Oh, who am I kidding? I also cry when I talk about Philippine politics...and when I see a puppy being abused in one of those Animal Planet shows...and when watching another wonderful Johnson & Johnson commercial.)

I told my teacher how much her dedication to teaching helped me through a very rough period in my life. Her lessons were so wonderfully taught that when I started teaching, I patterned a lot of my lessons after the way she taught them. After all these years, whenever I think about how she did what she did, I still get goosebumps.

She emailed back and told me that she was *this close* to leaving the academe because she felt worn out and that she was beginning to think that she wasn't making any difference. My email couldn't have come at a better time, she said. In my email, I apologized for not having written sooner, but she said that if I had written sooner, she would've taken my gratitude with a different perspective. The delayed timing was, in fact, perfect.

Aha Moment # 3

It's no secret among my friends that I have one ex in particular with whom I do not get along (and that's putting it very lightly). I'd go so far as to say that I regret being with him, but I was with him for almost four years, and I do not regret the connections I gained because of that awful relationship. In fact, some of the closest friends I have to this day are people I met through him. One of them, the girlfriend he had before me, is one of the closest friends I have, or will ever have, for that matter. She and I are almost like soul sisters -- we are exactly the same and yet so wonderfully different.

Through the wonders of The-Social-Networking-Site-That-Cannot-Be-Named (TSNSTCBN...harhar), I've reconnected with another one of my ex's exes. The girlfriend he had before the girlfriend he had before me (keeping track so far?) Because of one reason or another, she and I never got close, even though we went to the same college for a while. Through our interactions on TSNSTCBN, I've discovered that she and I actually get along smashingly. Like, we're totally on the same wavelength! I wrote her a message and told her how unfortunate it was that we had not become friends sooner, and how I thoroughly appreciate her views and her almost uncanny insight into my thoughts.

Which goes to show, no man should ever come between two women (unless, of course, that's your thing...hey, no judgment). Imagine all the years we lost when we could have been friends! All because of that turd of a man who did not deserve the love that I, the ex before me, and the ex before her had given him. Sheesh. But no matter, at least we have the future. Hurray for the future (and 20/20 hindsight).

And so ends my reflection for the week. I absolutely love it when these things happen. It reminds me that I am not in control, but God is -- and though we may think it took so long or that it's too late, God's timing is always perfect. Rock.

Clicking My Ruby Slippers Three Times

My husband and I have decided to go home. More accurately, my husband has to decided to stay there in the Philippines while I will fly back to Manila on May 5 (I arrive midnight, May 6, so I'll be there May 7-ish).

Beyond that, I don't think I really have to say anything more. I am aware that I don't owe anybody any explanation. But I take that back. What I mean is, I don't owe anybody any justification -- but for those of you, dear readers and friends, who have been patiently reading my mental farts and talking me through my quasi-existential dilemma, I offer this reason:

Happiness.

In high school, I had a teacher who actually gave a damn. I mean, she really cared about me and what I could do beyond my normally wonderful grades. Because of her and since then, I've always wanted to teach. When I took that leap of faith several years ago and left my cushy corporate job to go into teaching, it was all together frightening and exhilarating. I have never regretted that decision because when I was teaching, I was the happiest I had ever been. Sure the pay was less, the work hours were long, and the work load was amazingly heavy. But teaching has made me irrevocably convinced that this is what I was meant to do for the rest of my life, in one way or another.

So why not teach here? Simple: I want to teach my kababayans first and foremost. While I am not closing my doors to other future possibilities, I want to first and foremost be a teacher to my fellow Filipinos, make a significant dent on my own society, and instead of complaining about how Philippine society is slowly degrading from afar, I want to be there and be part of the solution. Idealistic much? You betcha. I'd much rather be faulted for believing too much than for believing too little. Credo quia absurdum, dude.

I realize that a lot of Filipinos (in the Philippines or elsewhere) may think that I am throwing away all sorts of opportunities by leaving the US. That may be true, but by not being in the Philippines, I am doing that, too. Frankly, the opportunities that I could have in the Philippines are the ones that I would much rather keep within arm's reach than the opportunities I could have here. I do not believe that staying here will be "better" -- especially because my definition of what is "better" may not necessarily fit the mold of many. "Better" is such a finicky, relative beast of a term.

As with almost everything in my life, whenever I feel like I'm heeding God's call, things just simply fall into place. This decision to go back home is no different. A friend offered to help me out with a ticket (amazingly, at the most perfect time). An uncle-in-law offered to help us with the arduous task of shipping our meager possessions back home. Another friend managed to tell me exactly what I needed to hear (and I find myself going back to what he said over and over again, especially when I am confronted with less-than-sensitive, er, admonitions from semi-friends). And so on and so forth. I know some of you come from different faiths, but I urge you to look beyond the default fatalism that is often attributed to Christians. For lack of a better explanation then: everything just feels right. I am giddy at the prospect of finally starting my happily ever after with my husband. I am beside myself with joy. As what my Nana keeps saying, "Ano pa ang hahanapin? (What else could I ask for?)"

On the flip side, I am heartbroken over the fact that I will be leaving very good friends behind. I must admit that I never thought I would make fantastic friends here -- especially because I was initially shielding myself from this very sadness I am now feeling. Despite best efforts, my husband and I have fallen completely in love with a wonderful group of people that are so difficult to leave behind. Aside from that, I am leaving behind friends from my girlhood that have been with me through many ups and downs and the distance that will separate us brings emotions that run even deeper than sadness. And aside from in-laws and distant relatives, I don't have family in the Philippines.

But if there's one thing I've learned from all these years of ping-ponging between the US and the Philippines, distance is dwarfed by the bonds we make. So while it is difficult to say good bye to the people here, I know that it will only be a matter of time till we will all be together again.

I started writing this entry last week. I waited this long because I was still angry over what someone (who is quasi-significant) said to me. He all but said that I was making a mistake for moving back to the Philippines. If it is a mistake, then I will gladly take the consequences -- but it will be in my own terms, not his. I don't remember giving out a memo that asked everybody else to drink my Kool Aid anyway ;-). So if it's cool with y'all, I'll just keep on being "weird" and embrace my "misplaced nationalism." (And that's the extent of my rant over that little kerfuffle. How's that for maturity? Take that, immaturity!)

Thankfully, the people whose opinions matter have all been supportive. They're hurting, but they're supportive. As I am hurting, but happy to be going back home anyway.

As I stand at this precipice before I take yet another leap of faith, I do not see the depth of the jump. All around me I see the Lord's hands enveloping me and keeping me close...and having a wonderfully strong husband with me doesn't hurt either ;-). There is no vertigo, only excitement.

And so to those back home, as well as those I will be leaving behind...see you soon. :-)

Must. Keep. This. In. Mind.

Read this again in the midst of doing research for work. Good to remember...trying to keep my sanity...trying, trying, trying...

Desiderata
(Max Ehrmann; 1920)

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."

According to my Gmail Funny Quote for the day, that was said by Robert Benchley. I just found it funny and appropriate, especially because that's exactly how I feel today.

I've made the decision to go back home. I wrote this long entry to explain why and I found myself getting frustrated because the more I explained, the more I sounded like I was defending my decision. And I'm sick and tired of defending my decision -- like it was such an awful decision.

So no, I'm not going into it today. I'm sick and I'm in excruciating pain (no worries, this happens every month). So I don't trust that I shall be as, er, nice (?) if I start writing about it now. I feel as if I would be spewing out an unfortunate amount of vitriol -- and I wouldn't know if it would be because of certain individuals who think that their notion of happiness fits in with mine, or it would be just the pain (or the pain meds, hehe) talking.

So know only this for now: I'm going back home. I really don't want to talk about it right now. I just want to say it out loud so that it will become real and I can own the happiness that comes from this decision. My declaration of my intent to go home is my big "*bleep* you" to those who think they know how to live my life better than I. (And I know it's a little futile, since they won't be able to read this anyway, but it's the thought that counts, lol.)

More details to follow, I promise.