So I have to fill out these forms for my OPT (Optional Practical Training) which will allow me to stay another 365 days more after I graduate. And I am upset. Because (1) I *hate* filling out forms, (2) it's going to cost $340 to just file the friggin' thing, and most importantly, (3) I do not want to be here anyway. I am frustrated and angry and upset because I am exerting so much effort and I will be shelling out a lot of money to do something I don't want to do anyway!!!
Excuse me, I know I try not to cuss in my entries, pero t*ngina talaga e -- nakikita n'yo ba yung kabalintunaan dito? Then why am I doing this, you may ask?
Because life isn't just about me anymore. Life is about how my actions and decisions -- or decisions made for me -- will affect those around me. Because I am trapped in the mindset that being in the US is the best friggin' place to be, that the ultimate aspiration is to become a US citizen, that being here is a step towards eternal wealth, that working here is the only way I will ever be rich, that being rich is the way to go.
Who cares if I'm miserable in this godforsaken country? Who cares if every time I dream of the future, I am always -- ALWAYS -- back home? Who cares if the only time I was ever truly happy was when I was teaching back home? Who cares? Who the f*ck cares?!?!
I do.
And this is why I'm sorry, but I cannot be pleasant anymore. I cannot keep telling myself to keep looking at the friggin' silver lining. I cannot put on a smile to make you feel comfortable. I cannot pretend to be OK with everything just so you'll still be able to think that this is what is best for me.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
Excuse me while I cry and cuss and scream a little.
But Katz, if it's optional, can't you just burn that form and go back home after graduation? Or do you need that training? Then - well, a year is only a year, you know; you can survive it.
ReplyDeleteI think it's very sad that those who get a good (supplemental) education abroad stay away. They/you should go home and contribute to progress in the country you love (unless you don't love it or for personal reasons don't want to live there, which is another issue).
That US is the best place to be is nothing but American propaganda and conceit. I wouldn't live there if they paid me for breathing the air.
Maybe you won't get rich as the world goes back home, but I should think that your qualifications will put you in the Filipino upper middle class (eventually), and I think that will be a good life.
Being content and following one's heart are also success, perhaps the only real one. The other kinds tend to become unsatisfactory substitutes over time.
Dama kita, Katz. Hindi ko pa masyadong maintindihan pero damang-dama kita. Basta post ka lang nang post. Attentive ako. =))
ReplyDeleteNo, but unless you have children, it's mostly about you! You can't make others happy by sacrificing your own happiness. For one thing, they won't be made happy even if they think so now; secondly, nobody has the right to accept such a sacrifice.
ReplyDeleteWho the f*ck cares whether you're miserable? I do. Now we're two. Let's find some more and make ourselves the majority.
ullangoo saidYou can't make others happy by sacrificing your own happiness. For one thing, they won't be made happy even if they think so now; secondly, nobody has the right to accept such a sacrifice.
ReplyDeleteullangoo saidWho the f*ck cares whether you're miserable? I do. Now we're two. Let's find some more and make ourselves the majority.
I know. God, how I know. Ugh. It all makes sense to me, but I think my sense of obligation has been too hardwired into my psyche -- I can't shake it off. Burning all the forms? Ugh, don't tempt me. I just feel as if it's so beyond me -- when actually it's not. I'm not making sense. Ugh. The fact is, I don't know what will happen in three months, if I will get a job or not. If I do get a job, then I'll need that OPT. If I don't then I just wasted money and time.
But the thing is, even if I do get that job, I still wouldn't want to be here anyway. But my husband wants to keep trying, just in case. But again, regardless of what happens, I don't want to be here anyway.
I just want to put it out there that I am NOT happy about all this. You know what I mean?
Ugh. I hate myself.
robocap73 saidDama kita, Katz. Hindi ko pa masyadong maintindihan pero damang-dama kita. Basta post ka lang nang post. Attentive ako. =))
Actually, sobrang comforting na nun in itself. :-)
Does your husband want an unhappy wife?
ReplyDeleteUgh, Ulla! Your questions hit straight to the core...No, he doesn't want that. I guess I'm making it more complicated than it ought to be.
ReplyDeleteI should just jump and take that leap of faith.
There's always the chance that his trying is unsuccessful.
ReplyDeleteDo not jump against your feelings!!!!
You're quoting someone on that "leap of faith". My guess is that it means "faith in getting two good jobs".
ReplyDeleteFaith is not the issue, my sweet. You don't WANT that f*cking job! You wanna go HOME!
You are being manipulated. Don't manipulate yourself.
Actually, I meant leaping towards the allegedly less-appealing choice (not by my standards, of course), that is, to go back home. But then, now that I think about it, the leap begins by me finally voicing out how unhappy I am and trusting that everything will fall into place after that.
ReplyDeleteI'm just tired of pretending that everything's OK.
It's a good start. What we very often do after that is to listen - "that's only fair" - to all the "sensible" arguments and allowing ourselves to be persuaded - although we then call it "convinced". We do that because we've been taught that reason must rule feelings. Wrong teaching.
ReplyDeletei follow and empathize...but where is home? what is your notion of going home?
ReplyDeleteHome is definitely the Philippines. I know "home is where the heart is" and all that -- but my heart isn't as mobile as the rest of me. It never really left the Philippines. :-)
ReplyDeleteBack home I feel complete, fulfilled, and I feel I am doing what God intended me to do. It isn't that bad here, I just feel as if I always need to second-guess what I'm doing and how I'm living my life. That's not who I want to be for the rest of my life.
have you discussed things over with your hubby, mom and dad ?
ReplyDelete*sigh* It's a process that's constantly going on...and evolving. "Discussed" is probably not the best way to describe it. :-|
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, I see what you're getting at. At the very least, a more thorough discussion is needed between my husband and me.
I can just feel your frustration, Katz. =( Good luck with the decision-making. I'm rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you're tired of pretending that everything's OK. At least now you can really say what you want in the way you want to say it (good luck!). Kasi di ka naman maiintindihan kung hindi mo paiintindi.
ReplyDeleteHave a little more hope for those whom you need to talk to.
Everything's going to be all right. See you soon (positive thinking yan)!
hrhnina saidI can just feel your frustration, Katz. =( Good luck with the decision-making. I'm rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nins. :-) *hug*
laforts saidHave a little more hope for those whom you need to talk to.
Ang galing mo talaga...I think you hit the real problem right on the head. It's me second guessing their ability to understand -- and if that doesn't work, to love me still anyway.
OK 'to a...para ako nagkaron ng libreng therapy session! I love you guys so much! This is really helping put things into perspective. :-)
Awww, Ma'am...>:D< Pray for it. It works.:p
ReplyDelete