This is a post that I've kinda been dreading to write. A lot of one year marks are coming up. As difficult as the past year's events are to relive, they help remind me to be thankful to still be alive. However, before I get to that part of the year, I have to relive...these next few weeks. These coming weeks mark the first year since...things started getting really bad.
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I was in the middle of writing one of the many emails I send during the day. It wasn't a particularly important email and so I allowed myself to focus on the song blasting from my iPod, randomly selected by the all-ubiquitous shuffle. I realized that it was a song that I used to listen to every day in those two weeks that separated both instances of confinement in the basement last year.
Since I Stockholm Syndrome-d my way through both confinements (how could I not fall in love with those antiseptic halls and round-the-clock sedatives?) those two weeks sandwiched by my basement stints were actually worse than my stay(s) at the basement.
Each day I would ask myself why I wasn't better yet. Why I always felt numb. Why I couldn't eat. Why I still felt like I should've died. Why I couldn't find comfort in my daughter's hugs. Why I couldn't understand why my husband wanted to take care of me...It had gotten so bad (much worse) that I ended up going back to the hospital.
But it hasn't been a year since those weeks yet. So, I shall have to suspend those memories and their corresponding feelings up in the air for now.
In the meantime, this is me not writing about all that yet.
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Also, I'm making a playlist for when I'm at work.
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