These Chucks Were Made for Walking

I've had these chucks for as long as I can remember (bought them when I was 15/16). A former boyfriend almost bought me a new pair of sneakers just so I would get rid of these and I promptly gave him the evil eye.

I obstinately wore them throughout the slushy winter season as well, but this early spring weather, chilly-yet-gorgeously-sunny, is working out perfectly for me and my chucks.

.....

I've talked about how much I love the Philippines and how I'm just itching to go back home, but I realized I never really gave Grand Rapids much love. GR is a wonderful city, filled with wonderful people. I spent the first few years of my marriage in GR, met the most amazing friends I could ever wish to have (more on that later), and I was able to study in a very good school. It kinda sucks to leave all the goodness behind, but as I keep telling my friends, better to leave a little sad than to leave too happy -- because it means that my stay here meant something.
Last Friday, while waiting for friends to arrive for dinner, I went around a few blocks downtown. I'm glad I did, because I've always loved the architecture of the buildings. I mostly stuck to the Rosa Parks Circle and tried to capture the most of this beautiful afternoon in downtown GR.

It is unfortunate that GR is so far away from the Philippines though. Sometimes I wish that it was just a simple bus ride away (more importantly, that it would be just as cheap to fly here as it would be if I could just hop on a bus to get here -- if that were at all possible). But I will never be truly far away from my friends here, in the same way I was never truly far away from my friends back home. Life will not quite be the same without my GR friends though. And -- oh boy -- I am going to miss them.

I am torn between wanting to go home right this very second to be with my husband and my in laws (now more than ever) and staying for just a little longer to be with my friends. I truly was not expecting to find friends like these guys, and I am reminded of what happens whenever the Lord takes control of my life. I can't believe we won't be able to see each other as often anymore, I hate that I won't be here for the birth my godchild, it annoys me to death that I won't be here to play pusoy dos with them anymore (haha), and it breaks my heart that we all can't be together and just laugh, dance, scream, and be quiet.

So I'm going to take my chucks and I'm going to walk away from all this to walk towards all of that. Because that's what people do. They move on and live the rest of their lives. Oh, how I hate growing up. :-(

What Kind of Reader Are You?

Teehee. And I thought I'd be a book snob.

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Dedicated Reader You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more.
Literate Good Citizen
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Book Snob
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

This Wouldn't Have Happened Had They Been Straight

Got this article from Fridae. So disappointing.

April 1, 2009
Filipino lesbian mother faces deportation from US
By News Editor

A 43-year old woman faces likely deportation to the Philippines on Friday leaving behind her partner of 23 years and two twelve-year-old twin sons who were conceived invitro using her American partner's eggs.

Shirley Tan and her partner Jay Mercado, a naturalised citizen born in the Philippines, were married in San Francisco in 2004 but their marriage was voided among the other 4,000 marriages performed by the city of San Francisco. The California's Supreme Court ruled that Mayor Gavin Newsom overstepped his authority when he ordered city hall officials to begin issuing marriage licenses to gay couples.

Even if it still were in effect, the federal Defense of Marriage Act prevents Mercado from sponsoring her partner of 23 years for immigration. Were the pair a married opposite-sex couple, advocates say, Tan could be legal.

The couple are both the legal parents of their boys who are US citizens. Tan now wears an ankle bracelet assigned by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents who knocked on the front door at 6.30 am on Jan 28 this year, according to media reports.

Immigration Equality released a press statement on Mar 27 highlighting the US’ discriminatory immigration laws saying: "We hope the press will generate US government interest in staying the deportation, and understanding of the need for passage of the Uniting American Families Act to stop the destruction of our families."

Immigration Equality press release:

CALIFORNIA — Immigration Equality today spoke out about a California family that may soon be torn apart. Due to immigration laws that discriminate against lesbian and gay couples, Shirley Tan will likely be deported April 3, separating her from her life partner Jay Mercado, their twelve-year-old twin sons, and Jay's mother, for whom Shirley is the primary caretaker. The deportation will send Shirley back to the Philippines, where she was a victim of extreme violence.

"From the moment my sons were born we have never been apart. It's tearing me apart to have to leave without them," said Shirley.

Unlike married straight Americans, Jay cannot sponsor her life partner for immigration. The Uniting American Families Act (UAFA) would remedy this discrimination against gay and lesbian Americans and allow them to sponsor their partners for immigration. The bill, introduced by Sen. Patrick Leahy in the Senate and Rep. Jerrold Nadler in the House, has 107 additional cosponsors in the Senate and House.

Shirley and Jay are also seeking a private bill from their members of Congress for a stay of deportation, so that they can stay together in the US or have time to make plans to uproot their family and move together to another country.

"Once again a family is on the verge of being torn apart because U.S. immigration laws discriminate against gays and lesbians," said Immigration Equality Policy Director Julie Kruse. "We hope the U.S. government takes immediate steps to keep Shirley and Jay and their children and parents together, and that Congress passes the Uniting American Families Act so the destruction of our families ends."

Rep. Jackie Speier (D-CA-12) and Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), who represent Shirley and Jay in Congress, have cosponsored the Uniting American Families Act.

"Shirley Tan's unacceptable situation is just one example of why Congress must pass immigration equality legislation. The Uniting American Families Act, which I co-sponsored, will allow lesbian and gay Americans to sponsor their permanent partners for residency in the United States," said Rep. Jackie Speier. "In the near term, I am confident that any official who examines the facts in Shirley Tan’s case will come to the conclusion that this hard-working mother of two should not be sent to a country where she has no support network and was the victim of a horrific act of violence."

Victoria Neilson, Immigration Equality's Legal Director, stated, "There may be no options for this family under existing law. How can they explain to their children that the U.S. Government does not consider them a family?"

This week, the White House issued a statement about the Uniting American Families Act, saying "[President Obama] thinks Americans with partners from other countries should not be faced with a painful choice between staying with their partner or staying in their country."

37 thousand couples across the nation face similar circumstances.

It is finished!

("Finished" must be pronounced as "fi-ni-shed" so it'll have that theatrical ring to it, lol.)

Today was a beautiful day. Hard to believe that it was snowing like the dickens yesterday. There was a definite hum of efficiency in school today -- it was as if everybody else had stuff to do and boy-oh-boy were they going to finish it today!

And so I printed my final draft and had my final meeting with advisor. After a few minor format changes, I went back to the computer lab, printed the final version of my thesis, dashed to Kinko's to have that bad boy bound, and dropped it off my advisor's office.

So there. I'm done. *blink-blink*

And now I shall launch into a full on screaming spree.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

I can't believe I'm done, a whole two weeks before deadline. Hoooooweee. Now I don't know what I'll do with all my free time. (Here's an idea: do all the memes I was tagged to do weeks ago! LOL!)

Thank you, everyone, for all the support and kind words. I had been writing nonstop for several months, but in reality, I had been researching for this thing for two whole years. Every paper I did all throughout my graduate studies had been geared towards this single topic, so I feel like I just gave birth to a bonny little thesis. Gah. God is good.

Here's what I wrote on my acknowledgment page:

"In writing this final project, and indeed all throughout my graduate studies, I have benefited from the encouragement, advice, and constructive criticism of Professor Douglas Busman. I also thank Mrs. M. Pengson and Mrs. L. Agnir-Paraan who inspired me to teach in the first place. I still hope to be like them when I grow up. I thank the Ateneo de Manila community – former teachers, colleagues, and students. Thank you for affirming the belief that this is my life’s purpose. I thank my parents who lead by example. And I thank my husband whose love and support guided me through the storms of writer’s block (and more).
I shall always love my country no matter where I may be. I will never forget who I am – and I am who I am because of all of you.

Lastly, I humbly dedicate this project to the Filipino students of tomorrow. Let us constantly embrace the unfolding mystery of our identity. Let us humbly be unapologetic in claiming our own future."

It. Is. Finish-ed!!!

I need your participation in this exercise in self-indulgence.

N.B. I honestly thought I had successfully cross-posted this the same time I published this on "the other side." Ack. It's a little anti-climactic now, especially since the other post has so many awww-inducing replies already, but what the heck. This should be interesting. 

Answer all, most, or some of these questions about me. It doesn't really matter (changing the rules a bit). Thank you!

1. The love of my life.
2. Where you and I met.
3. Take a stab at my middle name.
4. How long you've known me.
5. The last time that we saw each other.
6. Would I ever go sky diving?
7. Your first impression of me upon meeting me/seeing me.
8. Am I funny?
9. My favorite type of music.
10. Can I sing?
11. The best feature about me.
12. What do I want to do more than anything?
13. What is one thing that you think I should do?
14. Do I have any special talents? If so, what are they?
15. Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?
16. Have you ever hugged me?
17. My favorite food.
18. If there was one good nickname for me, it would be...
19. Your favorite memory of me.
20. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, I would bring...
21. Do I believe in God?
22. Who is my best friend?
23. Will you repost this so I can fill this out for you?

Fun Meme for Bookworms (or Other Cool People with Similar Proclivities...)

Rules:

• Grab the book nearest you. Right now. (Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.)
• Open to a random page
• Find the fifth sentence.
• Write your answers in the comment box.

"Yet we still do not know where the drive to truth comes from, for so far we have only heard about the obligation to be truthful which society imposes in order to exist, i.e. the obligation to use the customary metaphors, or, to put it in moral terms, the obligation to lie in accordance with firmly established convention, to lie en masse and in a style that is binding for all."

On Truth and Lying in a Non-Moral Sense, Friedrich Nietzsche

For the Record

As some of you might know, I am pretty liberal. Therefore, it won't be so difficult to guess how I feel about the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. But I choose not to blog about them because they're usually fallacious, mean-spirited, and to be upset with them long enough to write a blog entry explaining why they're awful would just be a monstrous waste of time. I know they're "just entertainers" anyway, so meh.

But, in light of recent pronouncements, I feel the need to state for the record, that I absolutely despise them both, to my very core. There.

Moving on...

Breaking Free from Self-Made Shackles

As some of you might know, I am currently working on my thesis. I'm creating a learning unit that aims to teach English to Filipinos in such a way that it encourages original thought and promotes a renewed and well-defined national identity and NOT perpetuate the cloying effects of Colonial Mentality. Aside from my wonderful advisor, there seems to be a growing bunch of individuals who are really excited to read the final product. I can't say I blame them because -- and I say this with as much humility as I can muster -- I think my topic rocks.

At the same time, though, I am at the point of my research and writing where I feel stumped not only because of the ever-present threat of writer's block, but also because, to tell you quite honestly, it's a little depressing. I am not writing this thesis for the sake of academic what-ifs. Technically, it's a Master's Project because I intend to create a working unit, one that can be applied in the classroom. But I am discouraged by the creeping awareness that this little-project-that-could, well, won't.

I'm designing the unit so that it can be adapted to the curriculum of the school where I used to teach: an all-boys, Catholic school, that has long been the precursor of innovative pedagogical paradigms. But with all due respect to that school and its community, that school doesn't need this lesson as much as other schools do. As much as other children do. That school already has a wealth of resources available to them. I know that I need to go to the heads of the public education system to affect real change in Philippine society. If I want to make real change in the Philippine educational system, I need to go to the root of the problem. And there lies the rub. My idealism is dwarfed by the enormity of corruption and apathy that surround public schools. I feel tiny and insignificant and lost.

This is no pipedream. This topic isn't one that I just plucked out of nowhere. Every single paper I've done since I began my Masters has been towards this end. And now that I'm nearing the finish line, I am bogged down by negativity and utter hopelessness. How do I tell the powers-that-be that we should stop emulating the colonizer that no longer occupies us? How do I tell my fellow Filipinos to snap out of their insipid obsessions on copying The Other that clearly has had their fill of us? Hang on, Mr. Tumbleweed, let me join you as you bound aimlessly in the highway of cultural denial...

...Or maybe I'm just tired. Yes, maybe that's just it. This topic is getting the better of me. As it should be, I suppose. Enough writing for today, I guess. I'll be back to my old chipper self tomorrow. For now, listen to me, Oh Great Vastness of Cyberspace. Listen to me fellow Filipinos near and far: We are shackled by our own self-doubts. The oppressor has long gone. We need not be bound by their influence anymore. We can't blame it all on Them anymore. We are the ones bringing ourselves down. Let's be rid of this borrowed identity and forge our own. Because I don't know about you, but I want to be free.

Proust-y the Snowman...

...LOL. I apologize. We're in the middle of a semi-snowstorm, so I couldn't resist.

Got this from Aimee who got this from Vanity Fair. Here we go...

"Since July 1993, the back page of Vanity Fair has been devoted to the Proust Questionnaire, in which a noteworthy person answers a series of personal questions. The questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust (1871–1922), the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature." (VF)

1.What is your idea of perfect happiness? 
I have none. Because perfect happiness...

2.What is your greatest fear? 
...scares me. While perfection intrigues me and baits me, to actually achieve it scares me. What else will there be once it is achieved? And my puny human brain is incapable of wrapping itself around the notion of perfection.

3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I hate my temper, although I must give myself chops because it has toned down significantly.

4.What is the trait you most deplore in others? 
Deliberate ignorance -- Pareho tayo, Aims. I have such a low tolerance for ignorance (maybe that's one of the reasons I became a teacher, lol), but deliberate ignorance? Forget it. You are dead to me.

5.Which living person do you most admire? 
It's difficult to answer this. Top of mind na lang: Anthony Bourdain. LOL.

6.What is your greatest extravagance?
My books, closely followed by my shoes.

7.What is your current state of mind? 
Mild panic. Denial is a wonderful thing.

8.What do you consider the most overrated virtue? 
Conservatism.

9.On what occasion do you lie? 
Playing cards ;-). But I don't do that so well.

10.What do you most dislike about your appearance? 
Do you have an hour? Geez.

11.Which living person do you most despise? 
There are six of them, and I don't remember any of their names, save for one.

12.What is the quality you most like in a man? 
Humor and integrity.

13.What is the quality you most like in a woman? 
Integrity and humor. Really, why ought it be different from what I would admire in a man?

14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse? 
"Awesome" and "Crap." That means I go through both extremes a lot during the day, lol. :-)

15.What or who is the greatest love of your life? 
Chaddy.

16.When and where were you happiest? 
The months immediately preceding my leaving for the States in 2006. But those were also some of my saddest months.

17.Which talent would you most like to have? 
To swim like that first lady who crossed the English channel. I figured it might come in handy, since the worst way to die as far as I'm concerned is by drowning.

18.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 
I get hurt very easily, I just don't show it.

19.What do you consider your greatest achievement? 
Getting married, not to Mr. Right, but to Mr. Right For Me.

20.If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? 
A star. Like the ones up there, not like a celebrity.

21.Where would you most like to live? 
Manila.

22.What is your most treasured possession?
My journals.

23.What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? 
I don't even want to write it down for fear of having it happen too soon.

24.What is your favorite occupation?
It's a toss up between reading and writing.

25.What is your most marked characteristic?
My wit? My righteous indignation? My height? I don't know, this is best answered by someone else.

26.What do you most value in your friends?
Support.

27.Who are your favorite writers?
*groan* Not this impossible question! No, I'm walking away...

28.Who is your hero of fiction?
Lucy Pevensie

29.Which historical figure do you most identify with? 
Can't say that I do with anyone.

30.Who are your heroes in real life? 
Honestly? My husband. He always takes care of me.

31.What are your favorite names?
We've already picked names for our future kids (if we do have kids), but I don't want to write them down because I might jinx it! LOL.

32.What is it that you most dislike?
Like I said, deliberate ignorance.

33.What is your greatest regret? 
Good answer, Aims. No regret, just remorse. I'm sorry I stayed far longer than I should have with someone in particular. But, at least I was able to gain really good friends because of my association with him. So quits lang. ;-)

34.How would you like to die?
With a smile on my face.

35.What is your motto?
Credo quia absurdum. I believe precisely because it's absurd.

We're Too Damn Nice

In the interest of full disclosure, I will say (as if you didn't know by now) that I am a rabid fan of Anthony Bourdain. So if I were to say that last night's episode of No Reservations was another spectacular manifestation of the genius of Bourdain, it shouldn't be that big a surprise.

But since last night's episode was on the Philippines, I loved the episode not only because of its technical merits but also because it was able to get to the meat of the matter (alert: lame attempt at pun #1). Last night was no ordinary travel episode. No near-manic exclamations about the Philippines' inherent beauty. No over zealous panning of smiling men-women-children amidst a backdrop of muted poverty. And aside from the fleeting understatement on how the Filipinos were so "ridiculously nice" to Bourdain, there was no hyped-up (re)utterance regarding Filipino hospitality. Not to say that all these aren't true. They are. But if I had a buck for every time this sort of cop-out sentimentality comes up...

...This was a realistic presentation of a question so intrinsic to all Filipinos -- a question that probably lingers at the back of the mind of many of those fortunate to live in the Philippines; a question that burns in the front burner (as opposed to the back burner -- lame attempt at pun #2) for those who, like myself, live so far: What is "Filipino"?

In Bourdain's narration, I could sense his perplexity. Are Filipinos Malayan? Chinese? Spanish? American? This confusion regarding our national identity is not only the reason there is no definitive Filipino presence in the global food scene, it is symptomatic of a cultural fault that is oftentimes thought of as a boon: That we are "too damn nice" (as Bourdain aptly put it). Instead of forging a clear identity, our default reaction at the face of a foreign presence is assimilation.

No, wait, that's a hasty generalization. I've been witness to a lot of efforts by fellow Filipinos who -- violently and peacefully -- fight for what is "truly Filipino" (no matter how enigmatic that notion may be). But I only have to look at myself to see the effects of assimilation: My so-called American accent, my movie and music preferences, the majority of books in my (ever-growing) collection, my idiomatic expressions, heck, even the language I use to blog and how I italicize Filipino words*. I have so successfully assimilated in the Western culture, that aside from the Highlander moments I have with fellow Filipinos here in the US (that is, they just *sense* that I'm Filipino), to The Other, I am just ubiquitously Asian. I have been Vietnamese, Chinese, Indonesian, and -- my favorite -- "Philippinese" so many times, it's become a game to me now ("Quick, what do you think I am?" *insert sly smile*)

Gloria Anzaldúa talks about the hybrid persona, "the new mestiza" in Borderlands/La Frontera. She talks about how, as a Chicana, she is caught in the middle of so many notions of who she is because of her cultural history. I feel for her entirely. I am letter D and letter E in the cultural multiple choice of life: none of the above, and all of the above (always, sometimes, AND never).

But instead of dissecting the parts of my hybridity, I want to embrace all of these wonderfully opposing-while-also-complementing parts that make me who I am. This hybrid identity IS the new identity. All of the above, none of the above, always, sometimes, and never, full stop. No parenthetical remarks. In the same way as all 7000+ islands make up one country, all those influences make up one identity.

Bourdain felt sad for Augusto, his pseudo-Virgil, and rightly so. Augusto reminds me of a Fil-Am friend I have here who also struggles to find the balance between being raised American while being proudly Filipino. Now that he and his wife are about to have a child, the question spills over to how they will raise their child and how they will strike their own balance in the formation of his/her own national identity. But while the episode ended with a somber note, the story of the Filipino goes on. And while the quest for national identity is not unique to Filipinos, it goes without saying that perhaps this question should be dealt with more urgency and seriousness in the midst of our frenzied attempts to assimilate.

Good grief. I haven't even talked about the food that was featured!  But see, the episode was so much more than the food (but oh, glorious food!!!) and became downright existential for me. Guh. Well done, Bourdain.

Oh, and while you've officially named Cebu's lechon the "best pig ever," allow me to haughtingly say, tell me something I didn't know. ;-)

Now where can I find me some sisig?!?!?!

* But I must be more forgiving of myself on this point as I realize I have an international audience -- woohoo, I have an audience. Another coin in my Narcisstic Piggy Bank.

A Series of Unrelated But Feakishly Well-Timed Moments of Epiphany

This past week has been pretty hectic at work, what with the laying off of four significant people in the organization (my [former] boss included). Despite that, several interesting things happened this week:

Aha Moment # 1

I won a free 2-year gym membership. If that isn't a sign that I should start exercising, I don't know what is! LOL. Of course, I won't be able to take advantage of the whole prize, and I still have to find out if there are any strings attached to this whole arrangement. Still, it's still pretty funny when you think about it.

Whether or not this pans out, yes, I got the message. I have to get my butt moving.

Aha Moment # 2

I have always credited several teachers for my decision to start teaching. But the one who was the most influential has been beyond my reach for several years. I had always wanted to find a way to let her know how significant she was -- and still is -- in my life, but for one reason or another, I was never able to really contact her until recently.

One of my best gals was able to see her in a conference and touch base with her. So I got hold of her email address and promptly wrote her a thank-you note. It was weird because as I was writing the email, I felt myself choking up. After all these years, whenever I talk about teaching, and my reasons behind it, I still find myself coming close to tears. Barring the times when I talk about how my husband is so amazing (for those of you who were in our wedding, you'd know this -- remember how nobody could understand our wedding vows because we were crying through the whole thing? LOL), talking about teaching is the only time I get overly emotional. (Oh, who am I kidding? I also cry when I talk about Philippine politics...and when I see a puppy being abused in one of those Animal Planet shows...and when watching another wonderful Johnson & Johnson commercial.)

I told my teacher how much her dedication to teaching helped me through a very rough period in my life. Her lessons were so wonderfully taught that when I started teaching, I patterned a lot of my lessons after the way she taught them. After all these years, whenever I think about how she did what she did, I still get goosebumps.

She emailed back and told me that she was *this close* to leaving the academe because she felt worn out and that she was beginning to think that she wasn't making any difference. My email couldn't have come at a better time, she said. In my email, I apologized for not having written sooner, but she said that if I had written sooner, she would've taken my gratitude with a different perspective. The delayed timing was, in fact, perfect.

Aha Moment # 3

It's no secret among my friends that I have one ex in particular with whom I do not get along (and that's putting it very lightly). I'd go so far as to say that I regret being with him, but I was with him for almost four years, and I do not regret the connections I gained because of that awful relationship. In fact, some of the closest friends I have to this day are people I met through him. One of them, the girlfriend he had before me, is one of the closest friends I have, or will ever have, for that matter. She and I are almost like soul sisters -- we are exactly the same and yet so wonderfully different.

Through the wonders of The-Social-Networking-Site-That-Cannot-Be-Named (TSNSTCBN...harhar), I've reconnected with another one of my ex's exes. The girlfriend he had before the girlfriend he had before me (keeping track so far?) Because of one reason or another, she and I never got close, even though we went to the same college for a while. Through our interactions on TSNSTCBN, I've discovered that she and I actually get along smashingly. Like, we're totally on the same wavelength! I wrote her a message and told her how unfortunate it was that we had not become friends sooner, and how I thoroughly appreciate her views and her almost uncanny insight into my thoughts.

Which goes to show, no man should ever come between two women (unless, of course, that's your thing...hey, no judgment). Imagine all the years we lost when we could have been friends! All because of that turd of a man who did not deserve the love that I, the ex before me, and the ex before her had given him. Sheesh. But no matter, at least we have the future. Hurray for the future (and 20/20 hindsight).

And so ends my reflection for the week. I absolutely love it when these things happen. It reminds me that I am not in control, but God is -- and though we may think it took so long or that it's too late, God's timing is always perfect. Rock.