How to MOMOL with Saturday

A bag full of candies.

Reliving the previous night's conversation about existentialism, objectivism, and entanglement physics.

Peek-a-boos and kissing of scraped knees.

Being fed tuna spread and crackers.

Thinking of what to wear to tonight's trick or treat festivities in our village.

Not having to check anything. Knowing that I'll be having an actual break.

Beer in the fridge.

Watching a stupid movie.

Have I mentioned the candy?

***

Saturday! Long have I mistreated you. How rapturous to be in your loving arms again. Come, let us make out, frolic, and do all sorts of unspeakable things.

Verbal Irony, Not A Lie:

Okay, I'm Already Defeated.

But that's only because I want to shake my bloody stump at the (insert virtue) bankruptcy of the (insert behemoth enemy). And apparently because I have a rump worth shaking. Bloody (insert expletive of higher degree). 

They can take our bones

and bury them deep under the river

but we'll still be together

and we cannot be defeated

They can take our trombones

and pack them down there with us

but no matter how longs it takes us

we will not be defeated

When we dance, we dance together

under the moon and under the weather

we will lock our eyes forever in the night

Well, they can take our bones

and bury them deep under the river

but we'll still be together

and we cannot be defeated

They can take our fists

and chop them off at the wrist

and we will shake our rumps with bloody stumps

and we cannot be defeated

When we dance, we dance together

under the moon and under the weather

we will shake our rumps forever and a night

Context

Had a rough morning. Well, I've had a rough couple of days, but this morning was just something else. Of course, the day has hardly begun (I haven't even taught my first class yet), so this could still turn out to be a good day. Still, I find myself having to spread myself too thin - emotionally, mentally...and this morning, morally.

I wanted to lash out in anger in the most inappropriate way kanina...as in cut to Quentin Tarantino action sequence. I'd like to list down the things that I wish I could've done, but I might be institutionalized for rage issues. So, I'm going to list down the comedic things that I wish I could've done to vent my anger.

Okay, so here:

1. Sing Rage Against the Machine's Wake Up in full effect.
2. Transform into the Jabberwocky and show them how I am going to have a frabjous day. Callooh, callay my ass.
3. Turn into Rebecca Black and sing Friday for 45 minutes. Nonstop.
4. Show them pictures of me giving birth via C-section, and then force them to eat at the same time.
5. Compute for frikkin' pi.

And that's it. As it turns out, that's the extent of my comedic venting because, truly, I am very angry. Extremely angry. And fed up.

It's getting harder and harder to find the funny side of things now. It isn't funny-haha anymore as much as it is funny-I-just-want-this-to-stop. I am existentially Arms Akimbo itself. 

I said I'd leave all this behind before it gets toxic, before I become bitter. Yeah. Well. Too late for that. Methinks I should've left five minutes ago.

Now, hold your horses. I'm not leaving now. For the meantime, I'm still here. For some of the people I work with, because they are like family to me now. For my kids for they are awesome. (Thank God at least my kids are wonderful.) 

But if I'm going to stay longer than necessary, I want to stay for me, and I find that I can no longer do that. 

Bah.

Choice

It was another difficult day. Another in a string of difficult days. But I get to go home in a few minutes and I'm choosing to be grateful instead.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes (i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened) - e.e. cummings

Clouds Part and a Ray of Sunshine Pushes Through to Make Rainbows that Make Candy Sprinkles Grey in Shame

When I smell you just behind the ears, where your neck and wee shoulders meet.
When I blow raspberries on your solar plexus.
When you realize I've come home (finally!) and you wrinkle your nose in fake-cry so that you could come to me and (finally!!!) have your milkoes.
When you lift your arms and ask to be carried.
When you cry when Daddy leaves for work.
When you give your slow smile when you know Daddy and I are being goofy.
When you eat your food!
When you look at us before you make a mess, not to ask for permission, but to make sure that we know you'll make a mess and show us that you don't care and so neither should we. (Working on that.)
When your leg looks for something to rest upon so you sleep with a daintily obnoxious foot (or feet) raised ever-so-slightly.
When you clap and wave your hands on cue.
Whenever you go to the bookshelves and reach for a book.
When you calm down when I hold you.
Whenever I have you and your Daddy in bed with me and I deliberately tell myself not to get up and check papers to be with you, my loves, first.

Too Fast!

Lucia is 10.5 months old!

Why?

Because to be a mother was the only thing I wanted more than to be a teacher.
There are many permutations to the why, but this is the.only.why that matters.

Definitions (Noun)

Ennui
(noun) A feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest.
Perturb
(verb) To disturb or disquiet greatly in mind; agitate.
Unctuous
(adjective) Characterized by excessive piousness or moralistic fervor, especially in an affected manner.
Skullduggery
(noun) Dishonorable proceedings.
Solipsism
(noun) Extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one’s feelings, desires, etc,; egoistic self-absorption.
Delitescent
(adjective) Concealed; hidden; latent.
Braggadocio
(noun) Empty boasting.
Choice
(noun) An alternative.
Consequence
(noun) The conclusion reached by a line of reasoning. Importance or significance.
Resignation
(noun) An accepting, unresisting attitude, state, etc.; submission; acquiescence: to meet one’s fate with resignation. A formal statement, document, etc., stating that one gives up an office, position, etc.
All definitions from Dictionary.com.

Long Weekend, Shlong Weekend

Okay, for starters, let me acknowledge that "shlong" sounds whack. There. Duly acknowledged.

The long weekend is upon us and instead of relaxing, I'm fretting over all the stuff I need to check. And I have a lot. Chaddy and Yaya are helping though. Chaddy's checking the multiple choice parts and Yaya's helping with Lucia, but there's only so much they can do.

Ah, but I shall try to relax as well. I must. And I have to let a little silliness creep in. I mean, how could I not?

Haha! Silly duckie. Silly mommy. ;)

Happy long weekend, everyone.

PS Hurricane Irene is hovering over the US' East Coast and Typhoon Mina is dillydallying right beside the Philippines right now. Hope everyone enjoys their weekends nonetheless. Stay safe and dry, everyone.

That's All

I am poor. Aside from my family, my idealism is all I have on most days. If I stay, the system will slowly eat at that and I will be destroyed. It's not even up to me to choose not to be destroyed. Because for as long as I am here, I will choose to be angry.

Because being angry reminds me that I still stand for something. Something that It does not. Something that It is not.

But it is the same anger that will consume me.

I am verbalizing this not to justify my decision (which, in reality, will not really take effect for quite some time still) because aside from my family, nobody really deserves to know why I'm leaving. I am merely verbalizing this because I need to. For myself. So that I can be reminded that the die has been cast and that everything else that will happen hereon end - as awful or joyous as it may be - will only make this experience richer. Will make the end more meaningful.

For the chapter is about to end.

And I am at peace. And afraid.

Funny. When I started this chapter, those were the exact same things I felt. But I am different now. My priorities are different. Essentially, still the same, but different. It's just time. That's all.

Enough.

Image from: http://sonsoflibertyacademy.com/

Bullish Bullies, Full of Bull

Allow me this moment of despair.

I am at the point where I would much rather be a stay-at-home mom. It's not the work (although there are tons of it), it's not the long hours, it's not even the hardly-enough pay...

You know the trouble with having heroes? It's realizing that not only are they also human, but sometimes, they're the sort of humans you vowed never to be. It's that disappointment that's getting to me. So amazingly disheartening. I think more than what had happened, it's that fatigue from trying to understand context upon context upon context, only to realize that it really is a lot simpler than what I keep convincing myself. It's douchebaggery, plain and simple.

Ah, the disappointment.

Oh, I know. I shall rise to the occasion. I must transcend the politics. I must become better than That Bully. I'll get to that positive rah-rah stuff when I'm in a better frame of mind. Right now, I'm just so disappointed. So meta-disappointed, I'm existentially planking.

Please, just let me be at home. Let me take care of my child and my husband. Let me explore the gastronomical wonders that our limited pantry can offer.

If you woke up to this face every day, wouldn't you agree?

In her car seat, on our way to the grocery, 8 months old.

Soon, it won't be the anger that will make me leave. Nor that I stopped loving it. It will be because I love something else so much more. Ever so much more. It's just a matter of when.