The World According to Billy Mays

Used to be, you had to be up late at night to see him: Screaming, yelling, convincing you that your home is filthy with germs running amuck. Now, though, he's everywhere. And I. Mean. Every. Where. Annoying and itchy as he may seem though, (yes, itchy...after watching him for 20 seconds, I feel like I ought to bathe in some of his OxiClean*) you knew he had a point.

Yes. Must. Buy. (Insert product.) You're fighting it, but you can't help it. You "pick up the phone and call now."

Billy Mays is a veritable phenomenon. He sells everything - and if he includes a (very, very, very, very, very clean, orange-smelling) kitchen sink, I wouldn't be surprised. Everything you need to survive this day and age of ick, grime, unprofessionally sliced tomatoes, unshiny surfaces...Billy Mays has a solution.

Guess what?

(BUT) WAIT, THERE'S MORE!!!

He now sells life insurance. No, seriously. Life effing insurance. "The most important product (he) has ever endorsed." Pretty heavy statement, coming from a man who has endorsed everything except - oh, I don't know - shaving implements perhaps?

Obama has Biden now, and McCain will be announcing his running mate this week. These are exciting times as the leader of the most powerful nation will soon emerge. But who will always be there, telling you what to do and how to live your life? Some dude whose face is like, 68.258% facial hair and has a voice that's scratchier than legs on day 8 after shaving. Yep. Bring that mental picture to bed with you. Welcome to my nightmares.

Note to self: Find a cure for insomnia!

Capitalism. Ain't it wonderful???

Sigh...

*Incidentally, I swear by OxiClean. I *just* spilled about a vat of black liquid shoe polish on our white carpet...spritz-spritz-spritz and it was gone! Hah!

**Update: It is now 11:13 pm EST. I *just* spilled red nail polish on the carpet. Sigh...