Dreaming and Waking Up

I didn't wake up in a funk today, mostly because Lucia (who did not sleep beside me last night -- for the first time! D:) walked up to me and woke me up. I was having a wonderful dream (or maybe I was already half-awake and daydreaming, I can never tell anymore since I sleep so much these days), and I wish I could've lived in that reality a while longer, but my Reality, Lucia, wanted to snuggle.

This is the reason I still wake up.

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Last night, we went to a children's party and I saw all my former (?!) colleagues from school. They all gave me hugs and were fantastically supportive, but I was anxious the whole time. In fact, my hands were trembling so much, I had to grab on to my husband's jacket to keep them from shaking. He kept telling me that everything was all right, that they were all rooting for me, but it was overwhelming to be in that huge crowd, with everyone knowing and not knowing, all at the same time.

My hands were trembling so much, I couldn't feed Lucia properly. My hands wouldn't cut the food properly, let alone lift the damn spoon to her mouth without the food spilling over.

When we finally left, I could feel the pain in my wrists, fingers, and hips (I took to standing outside, calming myself down with that which I sorrowfully picked up again...it calms me down, somewhat). As soon as I got home, I took a shower, drank my meds, and fell promptly to sleep.

Being with other people exhausts me, mainly because I have to pretend so much. I don't know why I do that.

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I am grateful then, that exhausted as I was, I actually had wonderful dreams. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful dreams. In my dreams, I had That Day. I hate that I have to settle for that, but if that's what's given to me, I shall hang on to it, by all means.

It's so difficult. For everyone, I know. I know that. I wish there was a way to comfort everyone involved. Especially...But I shall have to do that in my dreams first.

Maybe they'll cure me of the pain (soon, I hope, because it's still so painful), but not...this. Not this. Never this.

This is the reason I wake up, too. (Inasmuch as I want to keep on dreaming those dreams.) This is what's fueling me to want to get better. For myself.

Today will be better. Because of those dreams. And because I was woken up by my angel.