Absurd, Pink, with a Hint of Genteel Passive Aggression

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." (Audrey Hepburn) 

And since you don't, I don't believe in you. In fact, you exist to prove that everything that is diametrically opposed to what you stand for, what you are, is what I believe in. You are the personification of almost everything I am fundamentally against.

It isn't generosity if it's really manipulation. Or bribing. Or a commentary on (select pet quality that makes me SO unlike you this time). I keep silent because apparently, that's how you want to play it. But my God. My. God. Do not push me over the edge because I will fight back when I need to. Especially if you use her as a bargaining chip. You do so without my consent, but do not think for a second that you are doing so without my knowledge for I am much smarter than you are. I am wise to your underhanded tactics.

 Thou clouted crook-pate fustilarian. Scheming flax-wench. Get thee away. I've had enough.

Beautiful Eyes

Getting Lucia to sleep at night is a long and tiring process, but it's pretty predictable. I give her a bath at around 6 and then we play, read, watch videos, blow raspberries on each other, until I eventually nurse her to sleep. All this takes about two hours. Yup. Two hours. By the time she falls asleep, I'm usually pretty exhausted (mostly from the nursing, but now that she's getting bigger, from the playing, too).

This usually gets her pretty sleepy. If you have a young one, try this with him/her. I think the combination of classical music and Elmo brings her to her calm, happy place. All the classical music she listened to while in utero might have something to do with it.

She has all sorts of tricks now. She can clap her hands, dance, wave, and walk about two to three steps on her own. Of all her neat little tricks, my favorite, hands down, is the "beautiful eyes" trick. 

You all know how it goes. Someone says, "Beautiful eyes!" and then the baby kinda flutters her eyelids. With Lucia, she makes you work for it:

Me: Beautiful eyes!

Lucia: < default face >

Me: Beautiful eyes!

Lucia: <Oh, you mean like, more than usual. Tsss.>

Lucia furrows her brows and gives me an are-you-frikkin'-kidding-me look.

Me: Beautiful eyes!

Lucia rolls her eyes, squints, laughs (at my glee), squints again, then deadpans. I swear to God, she deadpans in the end...and I don't know where she got that.

I swear, this baby is awesome. Hahaha!

My bonny little lassie is something else. Most people would agree that she looks like Chad, but my goodness, I'm afraid her impish personality belies a more definitive resemblance to me.

Watch out, World.

1...2...3...4...5

Feeble attempt to calm myself down.

My friends on Facebook know about this boy because I've talked about him often enough. He is the unfortunate loin-fruit of our oh-so-awful neighbors. He is rude, loud, manipulative, and morally ambiguous.

He is four.

From what I've gathered, he has an older brother and an older sister, both of school age, but not that much older. They don't live with this four year old hooligan, since I don't get to deal with them on a regular basis. Today though, being some sort of holiday, both siblings were here. Turns out, four year old hooligan is but a satellite to the planet-ian whatever-year old cretin of an older brother. Both were raising hell this afternoon, but what really pissed me off was how they were peering into our home only to spit and air-shoot us with their dime-a-dozen, super panget toy guns. Peeking and spitting. Seriously?!?

I am >>>THIS.CLOSE<<< to storming their place and giving their momma a talking-to, but the confines of propriety keep me at bay. Damn. (I wanted to say something more inflammatory, but again, propriety!) God knows I ain't a perfect mother, but seriously. Peeking and spitting. SERIOUSLY?!?

There is precocious and then there's who-raised-you-wildebeests? (My apologies to wildebeests everywhere.

God, I am so angry. SO ANGRY.

Seriously. Peeking and spitting.

How to MOMOL with Saturday

A bag full of candies.

Reliving the previous night's conversation about existentialism, objectivism, and entanglement physics.

Peek-a-boos and kissing of scraped knees.

Being fed tuna spread and crackers.

Thinking of what to wear to tonight's trick or treat festivities in our village.

Not having to check anything. Knowing that I'll be having an actual break.

Beer in the fridge.

Watching a stupid movie.

Have I mentioned the candy?

***

Saturday! Long have I mistreated you. How rapturous to be in your loving arms again. Come, let us make out, frolic, and do all sorts of unspeakable things.

Verbal Irony, Not A Lie:

Okay, I'm Already Defeated.

But that's only because I want to shake my bloody stump at the (insert virtue) bankruptcy of the (insert behemoth enemy). And apparently because I have a rump worth shaking. Bloody (insert expletive of higher degree). 

They can take our bones

and bury them deep under the river

but we'll still be together

and we cannot be defeated

They can take our trombones

and pack them down there with us

but no matter how longs it takes us

we will not be defeated

When we dance, we dance together

under the moon and under the weather

we will lock our eyes forever in the night

Well, they can take our bones

and bury them deep under the river

but we'll still be together

and we cannot be defeated

They can take our fists

and chop them off at the wrist

and we will shake our rumps with bloody stumps

and we cannot be defeated

When we dance, we dance together

under the moon and under the weather

we will shake our rumps forever and a night

Context

Had a rough morning. Well, I've had a rough couple of days, but this morning was just something else. Of course, the day has hardly begun (I haven't even taught my first class yet), so this could still turn out to be a good day. Still, I find myself having to spread myself too thin - emotionally, mentally...and this morning, morally.

I wanted to lash out in anger in the most inappropriate way kanina...as in cut to Quentin Tarantino action sequence. I'd like to list down the things that I wish I could've done, but I might be institutionalized for rage issues. So, I'm going to list down the comedic things that I wish I could've done to vent my anger.

Okay, so here:

1. Sing Rage Against the Machine's Wake Up in full effect.
2. Transform into the Jabberwocky and show them how I am going to have a frabjous day. Callooh, callay my ass.
3. Turn into Rebecca Black and sing Friday for 45 minutes. Nonstop.
4. Show them pictures of me giving birth via C-section, and then force them to eat at the same time.
5. Compute for frikkin' pi.

And that's it. As it turns out, that's the extent of my comedic venting because, truly, I am very angry. Extremely angry. And fed up.

It's getting harder and harder to find the funny side of things now. It isn't funny-haha anymore as much as it is funny-I-just-want-this-to-stop. I am existentially Arms Akimbo itself. 

I said I'd leave all this behind before it gets toxic, before I become bitter. Yeah. Well. Too late for that. Methinks I should've left five minutes ago.

Now, hold your horses. I'm not leaving now. For the meantime, I'm still here. For some of the people I work with, because they are like family to me now. For my kids for they are awesome. (Thank God at least my kids are wonderful.) 

But if I'm going to stay longer than necessary, I want to stay for me, and I find that I can no longer do that. 

Bah.

Choice

It was another difficult day. Another in a string of difficult days. But I get to go home in a few minutes and I'm choosing to be grateful instead.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes (i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)
how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened) - e.e. cummings

Clouds Part and a Ray of Sunshine Pushes Through to Make Rainbows that Make Candy Sprinkles Grey in Shame

When I smell you just behind the ears, where your neck and wee shoulders meet.
When I blow raspberries on your solar plexus.
When you realize I've come home (finally!) and you wrinkle your nose in fake-cry so that you could come to me and (finally!!!) have your milkoes.
When you lift your arms and ask to be carried.
When you cry when Daddy leaves for work.
When you give your slow smile when you know Daddy and I are being goofy.
When you eat your food!
When you look at us before you make a mess, not to ask for permission, but to make sure that we know you'll make a mess and show us that you don't care and so neither should we. (Working on that.)
When your leg looks for something to rest upon so you sleep with a daintily obnoxious foot (or feet) raised ever-so-slightly.
When you clap and wave your hands on cue.
Whenever you go to the bookshelves and reach for a book.
When you calm down when I hold you.
Whenever I have you and your Daddy in bed with me and I deliberately tell myself not to get up and check papers to be with you, my loves, first.

Too Fast!

Lucia is 10.5 months old!

Why?

Because to be a mother was the only thing I wanted more than to be a teacher.
There are many permutations to the why, but this is the.only.why that matters.

Definitions (Noun)

Ennui
(noun) A feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest.
Perturb
(verb) To disturb or disquiet greatly in mind; agitate.
Unctuous
(adjective) Characterized by excessive piousness or moralistic fervor, especially in an affected manner.
Skullduggery
(noun) Dishonorable proceedings.
Solipsism
(noun) Extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one’s feelings, desires, etc,; egoistic self-absorption.
Delitescent
(adjective) Concealed; hidden; latent.
Braggadocio
(noun) Empty boasting.
Choice
(noun) An alternative.
Consequence
(noun) The conclusion reached by a line of reasoning. Importance or significance.
Resignation
(noun) An accepting, unresisting attitude, state, etc.; submission; acquiescence: to meet one’s fate with resignation. A formal statement, document, etc., stating that one gives up an office, position, etc.
All definitions from Dictionary.com.