Goodbye, Manila

It's my last night in Manila. Tomorrow, Lucia, her yaya, and I will be flying to Iligan to be with my grandparents. Indefinitely. While we're away, my husband will be making sure things are..."fixed"...for when we return.

Honestly, I'm scared. I don't do well with change, especially these days, but the biggest change (and fear) would be not having my husband around. He's pretty much taken care of me -- of everybody -- since this whole thing happened, and I am honestly afraid to be without him.

The last time I was there was when all this pretty much began. It was when I started to acknowledge that the Sadness had returned, and...everything else. It will take time for me to associate the sea (with this particular sea) with healing; I had been so sad the last few times I'd been in front of it. For some reason, the vastness of the sea, the seamless coming and going of the waves, its silences and noises...they all bring memories that I would much rather forget.

But I mustn't forget. I must confront them, head on. And then I will be better (than ever).

So many unknowns. I'm dwarfed by all of them.

But everything will be all right. Everything will be all right.