Step Away from the Belly (and Other Warnings)

In the great tradition of Filipino tactlessness masquerading as familiarity (when really, it's a false sense — or at least a warped notion — of community), I bring you: What Not to Do or Say to Pregnant Women, Katz Edition (meaning, what not to say to this pregnant woman).



1. Do not touch my belly. I simply cannot say that enough. DO NOT TOUCH MY BELLY.

There will be exceptions though. Like, when I let you because something cool just happened. Or if you've known me long enough to have seen me in my mother's belly. Or we're family. But we'd have to be close family members. If I was still sporting milk teeth the last time we saw each other:

STEP AWAY FROM THE BELLY.

There are further exceptions. Close friends, and I mean superduper close, I consider family. Ironically, those whose hands I don't mind touching my body almost always ask for permission first. Or they err on the side of caution and opt to respect my personal space. The others who make me feel uncomfortable, don't. The problem is, I have too much breeding to tell those people off as they touch me. In fact I'm the one who's jahe to tell them to back the eff off. To paraphrase Charice Pempengco: canyubelibit?!? I am incredulous.

2. Newsflash, "Ang laki/liit mong magbuntis," is either of two things: Insulting or Irrelevant. In a nutshell, isa shang malaking DUH STATEMENT. First of all, unless you're a medical practitioner, you really aren't qualified to say anything. Next, I don't know about you other pregnant ladies, but if someone says I'm malaki, I feel like he/she is calling me fat. If someone says I'm maliit, I feel like he/she is calling my child pandak. E I'm a little teapot na nga as it is. Short and stout. Yes, this is my handle and this is my effin' spout...which is, yes, a metaphor for that finger.

Now, again, let me specify. If we are family, close friends (please see number 1 for qualifying definitions), it's okay. But if you're some random stranger, mild acquaintance, lalo na if you're just feeling-feelingan na close, just shut up. Know that you are not helping. Keep all unqualified observations to yourself. Baka ikaw tawagin kong malaki, e hindi ka buntis. Tignan natin kung sinong masmagagalit.

3. "What's the gender?" Friends, I have no idea what gender Luci will be. She'll probably know for sure come puberty, maybe even beyond that. Her sex, however, is female. That one's confirmed. This faux pas doesn't rile me up as much though because most people are just ignorant about the difference between sex and gender. Well, now you know, dear reader. Go and spread the good news.

4. If the word "dapat" is succeeded by some superstitious belief, then ended with a glorious "yun ang sabi nila ha..." then follow the way of the laki/liit soothsayers. I have a highly capable (if somewhat praning-er Z) OB, a really helpful mother, and subscriptions to Baby Center, What to Expect, and other reputable Web sites. I think I'm good, thankyouverymuch.

5. "Ninong/ninang ako ha!" Um, no. (Again, please see number 1 for exceptions.) Ano tayo, close?

Sorry ha. I'm just really fed up. I'm nearing the home stretch and I've just about had it. I know that most people mean well. But if you really mean well, then you would think about my comfort and not your insatiable need to make pakialam.

Some parts of my body are experiencing pain and discomfort long after they accepted the fact that they would be out of commission. Sure, it's part and parcel of the beauty of pregnancy, but a little sympathy naman. Just because it's part of the miracle doesn't mean it's okay for me to go through the crappy stuff. And don't give me that oh-it's-going-to-be-worth-it-in-the-end speech. I know, you dingbat. Can't a person just rant?

Image from here.

Sorry. Hormones. (Who am I kidding? I'm just pissed. Ah, but you like me when I'm pissed.)