Call Me Algernon and Bring Me Flowers

Yes, I know, it's been ages.

I've done nothing but do school work and I'm getting pretty bummed out (yes, Thanksgiving festivities notwithstanding - but we did go Black Friday shopping...).

There are actually more things on my mind but I can't seem to bring myself to write them down - writing them down would make it more real, and I'm on ultra denial mode right now. I'll indulge in a few soul-cleansing sobs when I'm done with all my papers.

Depression used to control me, now I'm scheduling my next bout of it. This getting old thing might actually be good for something (yes, sadly, I turned 27 since the last post. Even that was pretty uneventful).

It's just that with the advent of all these memes, Facebook applications, and mindless surveys, it's easy to think that I'm already sharing my feelings. Or at least dealing with them. But I'm not - I feel like I'm whoring my superficiality to the world. I have one "friend" from Friendster (geez, can you see how bad it is? I have a Friendster, Multiply, and Facebook account! I also have Ruckus, Shelfari, and Snapfish accounts...And still I feel so detached from the world!) who does nothing but put up surveys he has answered. Really. That's. All. He. Does. I don't want to end up like him! I don't want to end up being someone's quotation-marked-friend ("friend")!!!

I guess, in the same way that too much pre-packaged food is bad for your body, pre-packaged feelings-sharing via memes, Facebook applications, and mindless surveys is bad for your soul.

Meanwhile...on to my mind. I have to go back to studying. Sigh.

Hazy Computer Monitor Glow, Blanket Around Shoulders, Typing in the Dark

...this is how I shall spend the night tonight. No sleep for me.

***

The other night, there was another Filipino in the bus. He had a cap on with the Philippine flag. I would've recognized my kababayan without the hat though. I found that I've developed a sort of Highlander Sense of the Other. Remember that TV show called The Highlander? ("I am Duncan McLeod of the Clan McLeod...There can be only one!" [Of course, when I was younger, I thought it was "McCloud" and I thought it was such a cool name. Well, it still is. Not just as cool]). Anyway, remember how all the immortals could just sense each other? Like there was this internal tugging of sudden, deep, and immobilizing recognition. It's like that for me now. I have such a heightened sense of the Filipino Other now that I'm in America's Dutch (read: blue eyes and blond hair) Hotspot.

Anyway. I was waiting for him to make eye contact with from across the bus so I could start a conversation. But in true Filipino-in-the-midst-of-foreigners style, he was too busy minding his own business. Meanwhile, I was trying to think of ways to start a conversation with him:

"Hey, nice hat," or "Pare, Pinoy ka?" or the classic, "Uy, tiga sa'n ka sa 'tin?"

Of course, I didn't know if he still spoke the language, he might have grown up here and all. But I figured, if he's wearing a cap like that (and believe me, that was a huge flag on that cap), he ought to at least understand Filipino.

And then I heard him talk on the phone. "'Ba malay ko, aalis daw sila bukas e."

Jackpot. Nag-Ta-Tagalog nga!

Alas, he got off the bus a stop earlier than I did and my new almost-best-friend never knew what a comfort his mere presence was.

It's silly to feel so forlorn about that whole episode. I know it's my own fault. I ought to at least try to make new (American) friends here. But as much as I want to...I don't. Does that make sense?

***

The real reason I couldn't sleep: I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

For years, I've had terrible dysmenorrhea. When I say terrible, I mean paying-for-the-sins-of-all-my-past-lives terrible. For almost half of my life, I've been in pain, half of the time. I often wonder what it would be like to spend one whole day without any kind of pain, or the anticipation of it. I'm in pain so much that I can almost not complain about it for lengths at a time. I've seen doctors for it but they always seem to try to medicate the pain and not necessiraly the cause. Even then, the pain has never gone away.

One doctor told me I had endometriosis. Another ran a battery of tests only to prescribe some totally expensive and useless pill. Another doctor told me I had to get pregnant by the age of 26, or else I won't have a chance to get pregnant (I'm turning 27 in 3 weeks...gasp...I'm turning 27 in 3 weeks. I just realized that now! But that's for a different post at a different time...) I've been poked and scrutinized and - well, let me just stop there. I don't want to get too graphic.

Tomorrow, I'll be going to a specialist. Yes, yes, I should've done that sooner. Truth to tell, I've been to all sorts of doctors and I thought I had already gone to see a specialist. Apparently, I haven't. Well, at least tomorrow I'll be going to a doctor who really deals with this sort of thing. I'm scared to find out what's actually wrong with me. At the same time, though, I really just want to know why I'm always in pain. I don't know what to expect. I have a feeling that there won't be anything significantly wrong; or worse, nothing significantly new to tell, and that is worse. And then I'll be left in pain, again. In the dark, again.

Sort of like right now.

Sigh. There's always adoption. (And yet, as I write that futile attempt at humor, I realize, it's not really funny.) But seriously, we can always adopt. We can always adapt.

I hate this. I really, really, really do.

Coming to the Surface for Air - Mindless Rambling

Yeah, I know. It's been forever. :p

4 major papers and 2 presentations later, I'm still alive. I've completely forgotten what it was like to be a student in the middle of midterm season. (Middle of midterm - so is that quarterterm? Obliquely to the right/left term? Forget it...)

And so I'm taking a deep breath and waiting for the next big thing to happen.

***

Saw that Bizarre Foods episode on the Philippines again. Boy how I miss home. I want to go home. Home, home, home, home.

***

Autumn's here. Love it. And so the world turns.

When was the last time you rode on swings?

My brother had soccer try-outs this afternoon so Chaddy and I watched. Well, it was hot and it was longer than we anticipated, so we ended up going to the nearby playground (which was shaded, hence the initial appeal).

I made a beeline for the swings and realized that I hadn't ridden in swings since I was about 9 or so. So away I went on those swings. Oi! The most amazing feeling! It almost made me forget about the tons of stuff I have yet to do for school, the fact that we have next to zero money, and the fact that I'm 26 and probably too old for swings.

I tried all the other stuff around the playground, too. They were too small for me to fully enjoy though (yay! Finally, something too small for me...of course, the playground was for small kids...) so I went back to the swings.

I didn't accomplish much today. I was supposed to finish my Faulkner book today, mail my petticoat to my best friend (she needs "something borrowed" for her wedding...wee! Hi, Sara!), and start on my Assessment assignment, but I ended up being on the swing this afternoon.

Well spent, I say. :-)

Unbearable Lightness of Being

I feel so wishy-washy; very faint and sketchy; very melted-ice-cream-y.

I think this is the effect of not having real work in more than a year. I need to work. (I shall regret these words, I know.)

There are parts of my brain that I haven't used in so long. *shakeshakeshake* My brain looks like the attic in which that Avon lady found Edward Scissorhands.

I've been looking at friends' profiles in Friendster to pass the time (I'm downloading a bunch of stuff again) and I miss home. I miss my old friends.

I hear that it's raining something fierce in Manila now and I miss my horror days when I used to live alone in our pseudo-haunted house.

I'm reviewing the traffic laws since I haven't driven in 6 years! I miss those days when I used to be self-sufficient and could drive anywhere. I don't miss my road rages, but I'm indulging in a few chuckles in relative-safe recollection.

Gah. I can't even make a proper entry. Have you guys noticed? Grrr.

"More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs."

Ahlavet! Heard that from my all-time, feel-good, no-brainer, rerun-to-death series, Matlock.

***

I registered for 4 classes this term (12 units) and I'm a bit anxious to start this whole new phase of being a full-time graduate student. I'm thinking I won't stress out so much considering I won't have any other responsibilities (read: I won't be working anyway). But I am worried about being able to get into the groove of things.

***

My husband's coming in a little over 24 hours. And then we'll be off to Indiana for the weekend. I've spent most of the past 2 days getting our little "apartment" (read: my parents' basement) ready. If only I can do something about these walls...

***

I'm fretting. I'm fussing. Things are happening all around me and I feel so static. Huge changes are afoot. I'm more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Sticking To It

My dad and I were watching the Today Show this morning and they did a feature on this 18-year old kid who bought farmland with the help of his family and neighbors in a small farming town in Massachusetts.

One of his neighbors wanted to retire from farming, but didn't want to sell it to some corporation that would only transform his farmland into houses and whatnot. So he sold it to the kid that helped him out every summer. He was offered millions by those big corporations. He sold it to the kid for only $32,000.

Now the kid is selling produce from his farm and his neighbors help him out by buying from him. He's keeping his town real, upholding their identity and celebrating its bounties.

He didn't go to college anymore. Some people might not dig that, but he's too busy digging into his own plot of land to care. This is what he believes in and he's sticking to it. It might not be glamorous nor convenient, but he's sticking to it.

***

An uncle and an aunt recently became bona fide American citizens. My dad and I were talking about it this morning and, like me, he doesn't want to be an American citizen - especially because it means that by doing so, you have to denounce your original citizenship. (Of course, you can always apply for dual citizenship, but that comes later on, I believe.) That is something neither my dad nor I would like to do.

I had a conversation with a friend of my in laws and he was telling me about the beauty of America, the land of opportunity, and how, since I'll be living here for a while, I should be taking advantage of that to the fullest extent. (Now there's something I haven't heard before. Ooh.) I was trying to explain that my intention was to study, maybe work a while, but Chaddy and I wouldn't want to settle here for good. We don't want to raise our children here entirely. Canada, maybe, but not here.

He said I should stay long enough to be a citizen. (Again, how novel! Where do people come up with such capital ideas???) And I said, no, thank you, I don't want to be a citizen. And then he gave me this look. Mind you, we had just met, and he gave me a look like, "You must be one of those crazy, flaming, liberals..." Well, yes, I probably am, but no matter. He gave me a look. And we had just met.

And then he said, "Well, Bush won't be president forever. Your views might change."

And I said, "No, not really."

And he said, "But maybe when you have kids, it'll be different."

And I said, "We specifically do not want to raise our kids there."

And he said, "Maybe your parents will petition you."

And I said, "They would, but then I've already told them I didn't want to be a citizen, so they've let go of that."

And he said, "Think of all the conveniences! For one, you can get to travel anywhere and not need a visa!"

And I said, "Why do something just for the convenience? If something is too convenient, why would it be worth doing?"

And he did: Blink-blink. Naubusan ata.

"It's a principle thing," I said.

And he let go of it either because (a) he had to go, (b) he knew he was going to be in for quite an earful if he asked further, or (c) I would have to get physical with him, even in the teensiest way, be it hurling a few spittle his way from my angry, frothing, liberal mouth.

See, this is what I don't understand. I get why others would like to be citizens. Totally get it. But I don't want to be a citizen. I don't force other people to subscribe to my liberal beliefs (hee-haw said the Democratic donkey...) We can engage in healthy debate, yes, but at the end of the day, I don't want to force people to have the same beliefs and dreams. I don't see why someone else has to force his dream on me.

My dream is to teach kids how to read and write well. My dream is to have kids who are articulate, compassionate, open minded, God-fearing, and (eek) liberal. My dream is to grow old with Chaddy, laughing and crying all the way. While location may not be that important - here, there, Canada, Tegucigalpa, Seychelles - I do not want to get rid of my citizenship. When I die, I will die a Filipino.

I am a Filipino by birth and deed and heart. I might not have chosen to be a Filipino, but I choose to remain a Filipino.

I am not a Filipino because of convenience; if it is too convenient, then why would it be worth doing?

What Happened During the Wedding

...ok, so here's what happened...

The morning started very calmly. Eerily enough, I was asleep by 9 pm the night before, so I was able to get a full night's rest, thank goodness. My make up artist from Pranav Salon (in Robinson's Galleria) came and did wonders for me and my mom. (Aside: Really, if you're looking for a place to do your make up with full on service, go to Pranav and look for Louie, the girl who did my make up. A. MA. ZING. Special thanks to my best friend Sara who sponsored the whole thing!)

We got married in a chapel in Marikina with just our families, our maid of honor, and our best man. Since no one else was there, they were surrounding us during the entire marriage rite which lasted about 12 minutes. It was one of the most intimate and special moments in our lives - to have the people we love the most really - and I mean really - share this most important event in our lives with us.

After that, we went to the Ateneo High School for our Thanksgiving Mass. We had about 70 guests - all of them our most intimate friends. I walked down the aisle with my parents by my side to the tune of I Must've Done Something Good from The Sound of Music, arranged by my best friend, GP Eleria.

The Mass itself was wonderful, full of happy tears - as the guests will tell you. We were just so overwhelmed with everything happening that we couldn't stop crying! The Ateneo Chamber Singers sang for us, and so did my friend Leslie Perez, my dad, and my brother. :-)

We then moved to the Seniors' Quadrangle, also at the High School, just a step, hop, skip away from the Chapel, for the reception. The food was EXCELLENT. Our caterer, Kaye Cunanan, served the most wonderful food. People were still talking about it weeks after the wedding. Really, if you have a wedding, a debut, a bar/bat mitzvah, heck, whatever coming up, you would really want to consider having it catered by her.

After the rather funny cake cutting ceremony, (we were cutting the fake-cake part...we didn't know that there were parts that wasn't cake. I mean, we hadn't done that sort of thing before...) we had our first dance. We danced to Break On Through by The Doors, to everyone's delight. (Yes, it was choreographed. Yes, I choreographed it. Yes, Chaddy really does love me that much to have done such a thing...)

And then the rest of the night, everyone basically just had fun. We were able to meet our guests and talk to them without having a photographer follow us around and tell us to act properly. Nono Felipe and Carlo Santos, two very dear friends of mine, took wonderful pictures. They were so paparazzi-like in their unobtrusive ways, all of the pictures looked alive and candid and real.

And so that's how the happiest day of my life went.

Thank you to everyone who made it possible. We will never forget that. :-)

Confessions of a Jetlag Addict (Part 2)

And so I'm back.

Everything's pretty much the same except that now it's a lot hotter than I remember. Oh, and the flowers are all out so my nasal passages are killing me. Otherwise, it's pretty much the same.

Turns out, I still have a way to go till my stuff for school starts, so I have all this time to play wifey. Chaddy's not here yet - hopefully he'll be here first week of August - so I have time to make this place look a little homey :-).

There were tons of stuff that I wanted to do while in the Philippines but wasn't able to do. Man. What with arranging the wedding, getting married, fixing my Visa, and then fixing Chad's Visa - we hardly had any time to do anything else!

So here's a list of the stuff I was meaning to do but didn't get to do (it's the thought that counts!):

1. Eat more isaw.
2. See more of my students and have actual conversations with them.
3. Go to Baguio.
4. Hang out with friends (you know who you are...yung iba kasi kebs na talaga e...)
5. Hang out with my brother more.
6. Go to Embassy (canyoubelieveit? I have never been there. I just want to go there and see which artistas will get into a catfight.)
7. Hug more of Sushi.

Ah, well. At least that means I really need to go back to the Philippines soon.

Two Days To Go...

...till my wedding. I'm looking at the sky and it's heavy with impending rain. I hope it doesn't rain on Saturday! We still haven't finalized all the souvenirs and there are so many loose ends to think about and I'm this close to hyperventilating!!!

I absolutely detest planning parties. I love attending them and contributing stuff in potlucks (I love potlucks) but I hate being the one in charge in a party. I keep worrying about everyone - if they're having fun or eating enough or getting happily tipsy or not dancing or whatever.

Gah!

But I am so excited to be married to Chaddy. I hate weddings. Well, no, not really. I just hate planning mine. I can't wait to get to the being married part. Oi.

More to come post-wedding...

I'm Baaaack!

Ika nga ng Menudo, "I'm going back to the Philippines!!!"

Yes, yes, I'm back! :-D

That means though that I don't have ready Internet access, so my entries might be sparse while I'm here. Also, I expect to go on overdrive as I work on the final sale of our house (yes, the one that was ransacked) and the wedding!

So that's all for now. I'm at Katipunan, and rather than typing in this ol' cafe, I'd much rather walk around and drink it all in again. I'm write more when I'm in a better frame of mind.

(I'm using my same Globe number so gimme a call/text!)

From Sunshine to Snow

I'm back!

I went to LA for the (self-imposed long) weekend. Needless to say, I had an enormous blast. For a while there, I actually remembered what it felt like to have a life outside of the house. I remembered how we used to go out all the time - with measly budgets to boot. And, by gollywow, I realized that I can still - more or less - dance!

LA is alive. It's buzzing with life in all shapes, sizes, colors, and languages. It was such a sudden change from all the Dutch blondes and blue eyes of Grand Rapids. We went to Target first thing after landing and I heard all sorts of languages whizzing by me.

And the sun! Ah, the sun! The SUN!!! I cannot tell you how much I loved the sun. THE SUN!!! If only for that, I would've stayed forever.

But. I realized I'm too Country Mouse now for LA. Haha, but my brief foray into the world of glitz and glamor was fun.

More than anything else, though, I was most happy to see my girlfriends. I've been friends with the same set of gorgeous girls for 14 years now (gasp!). We've been through everything together. You know those movies they make about women and friendship? We practically own, produce, and are the posters for that. And I'm not even bragging as much as I'm being truthful.

Here at home, I am daughter-slash-Ate-slash-wife-to-be. With my friends, I felt free for a while. Not that being daughter-slash-Ate-slash-wife-to-be is bad. I happen to love that role. But for a long while, I was a girl again, with friends who know me literally inside out and I felt like an attractive person again. Haha :-D.

Shopping, dancing, eating - but the best of all was during day 2 of my bachelorette bash. We were having a Slumber Party (cute namin, diba?) and I started crying, just letting out all my frustrations and fears and basic happiness with everything going on in my life. I haven't been able to do that since coming here. We three were in bed huddled in blankets and they just hugged me and let me cry. These girls have seen me go through everything and I've done the same for them and it was so rich to be in that moment when it was about everything in the past, present, and future and we'd know we'd still be there for each other.

I feel so fantastically blessed. I have all these beautiful people loving me. And I love them. And we will all live happily ever after - and just in case we don't, we'll still be here.

Joepi, Joyce, LP, Joanne, Joy, Jean, Eedee, Jana, and my darling Sara, I love you all so much!

Reluctantly Falling In Love

Today was so beautiful, I actually went out for a walk - a long walk as it turned out because I got a little lost. Instead of turning left on the street my mom told me to, I turned at the next corner to prolong my walk, thinking I'd get to the street I was aiming for, hoping against hope that our neighborhood was but a grid. Well, it was a little more complicated than that, and for a while I got a little scared because I came upon a very, very, very small forest-y plot of land (Faithful Blog Followers, I was actually humming My Favorite Things yet again - a sure sign of fear). I eventually ended up back home by having my wits about me. (I actually remembered where the sun was supposed to be hitting my face! Lewis and Clark eat your hearts out!)

Since my walk took far longer than I expected, I saw so much more than I had hoped. There were sooooo many squirrels. It made me worry a bit because I thought I'd run into a skunk again, but the worst thing that happened was I sloshed into a puddle - for sure it was a mound of snow a few days ago. I saw these beautiful red-breasted birds, and they were quite huge. One even hopped along and kept pace with me for a while (which isn't really to say much for the bird because I was just walking-walking not exercise walking...) ala that bird that led the Pevensie children deeper into Narnia.

But the most wonderful of all was that everything was green, green, green. So green in fact that if I said green a thousand times, it wouldn't be enough. And to think we're just at the cusp of Spring! (I'm not having an asthma attack, so for sure the pollen isn't there yet.) It was quiet and from deep inside the houses I passed I heard small children and little doggies. I came across quite a few joggers and a nanny with all her small wards in tow. Everyone said hello. Even the cars that passed by waved - because they did the proper thing and slowed down when they were approaching a pedestrian. My gosh. We were like an opening number for some Rogers and Hammerstein musical!

So I must say, methinks I am falling in love with our neighborhood. It's silly because I really don't want to fall in love with Grand Rapids. My fuzzy logic tells me that by loving GR, I'd love Manila less, and I am a true-blue Katipunera, man. Nothing beats walking down Katipunan, half-fearing for your life. But that was home, you know? For crying out loud, I even knew some of the tricycle drivers by face and we'd smile at each other. The guards at the banks and eateries? Smile. Even those takatak or bananacue boys outside of KFC? Smile. Well, maybe a little simangot from time to time, because they can get pretty pushy.

I'll hold on to that logic for a little while more. Because once Spring unleashes it's full beauty, Katipunan just might have a little run for its money.

Kemohndawwwn!!!

I remember watching Chris Rock on TV saying that only old people and teenagers high on pot watch The Price Is Right. I'm paraphrasing from memory, of course, but the gist is he said you'd have to be in that frame of mind to actually appreciate Bob Barker and his antics.

I take offense to that statement because I like watching The Price Is Right. Well, I don't hold Chris Rock in high esteem anyway - his jokes rely to much on the painful and sometimes inappropriate humor behind racism. Yes, yes, I know he does it to laugh at himself and his race - but I don't think he - anyone - is really in the position to laugh at his race. By all means, let him laugh at himself, but not at his race. Besides, his humor is too duh-duh-duh-dumb for me.

But I digress. This isn't about Chris Rock.

I was watching The Price Is Right with Papa this morning. That Bob Barker sure has spread a lot of good cheer. I remember there being an issue between him and one of those girls presenting the prizes regarding some form of sexual harassment years ago - but that didn't seem to affect his popularity. Rod Roddy, the original announcer, died in October 2003 and has since been replaced by Rich Fields. But Bob Barker is still there, giving a mild heart attack to many a willing victim - although he will be retiring in June. ("I will be 83 years old on December 12, and I've decided to retire while I'm still young," kidded Barker.)

Almost everyone won today. Some furniture, a trip to Vienna, a Mustang convertible (drool). It was difficult to change the channel once we started because we just had to see who else would win. I found myself cheering for some of the contestants and getting madly disappointed if there was a wrong guess. (They didn't get to play Plinko today, drat). And I found myself being just as excited when a cute girl with curls won that Mustang convertible (drool).

Which brings me to this: Humanity can't be all that bad if we can still be genuinely happy for some stranger's good fortune. And that's why I watch The Price Is Right. I'm not geriatric and I'm not a pothead. I just like being happy for other people being happy. :-)

Peace, Adult World

Hello, Adult World! I come in peace. :-)

Today, I opened my very first bank account here in the US - my first checking account ever. I know, I know. I'm 26 and this should've happened sooner. I got my first credit card ever just a month ago and it's not even really mine. I mean, it's under my name, but it's really just an extension of my Mom's card. But this checking account thing is all mine.

You see, I'm afraid of money. I love money, but I'm afraid of it. So much so that when it's with me, I tend to get rid of it - and get pretty little things in its place. Having this power scares me. It's a good thing I hardly ever go out as it is, but I really am scared I'll buy the entire TV shopping network and let them all toothy salespeople have early retirements.

During my last months in the Philippines, I didn't even have a bank account of my own. I like keeping things liquid because I'm quirky that way. And I'm a complete mathematical disappointment. I really can't make heads nor tails of any of those balancing thingamajiggies. My having remembered how much something costs is actually a great victory.

But, here I am. I am ready to face the Adult World and all of its Adult-ish requirements. I mean, I am getting married in 3 months (gasp! 3 months!!!) and in the list of Adult-ish requirements, I'm pretty sure that's near the top.

God. A credit card and a check book. Lord have mercy.

Just remember, Adult World, I come in peace.

The View From The Back Of The Room

Last week, I attended a seminar that was given by the local Institute for Healing Racism. My mom thought that it would be a good idea for me to go to sort of prepare me for being part of the über minor minority in school (Asians - and to make it even more minor: Filipino). GVSU is not necessarily known for its diversity - and neither is Grand Rapids if you really think about it. So off I went to the seminar without really knowing what to expect.

There were 11 participants. Most of them were Dutch (of course, this being Grand Rapids), some were part-Irish, one was half Argentinean half Swiss, one African-American lady, and me.

The first day we were made to watch all sorts of videos that showed different forms of racism as propagated by society, mass media being its staunchest ally back in the day. This being America, the focal point was the blatant racism against the African Americans pre-1960's. But lots of acts of racism against Hispanics/Latinos and Asians were also shown.

There were the prerequisite images of the lynchings, Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, etc. There were other images that were a little more disturbing - the "Black Sambo," the bumbling African buffoon of a slave who seemed to enjoy being a slave, the Mamie (ala Gone With the Wind and Aunt Jemima, the pancake syrup), young black babies who would get eaten by crocodiles - and they were all in cartoon.

Nowadays, blatant racism is illegal. There are laws that protect minorities. What is alarming are the inadvertent, discreet, and legal forms of racism. A look. An eyebrow. Lowered voices. And worst of all: the condescending smile.

Early on in the seminar, I realized how much racism I was going through just by going out of our house. I came into the seminar thinking of how to arm myself against racism against me, but, I realized that I was a racist in the way that my anger towards the ubiquitous "THEM" hinders me from realizing that most of the racism I've felt was borne out of ignorance, not hate. Does this make it any better though? No. In fact, in a large way, it makes it even more annoying. Better to slap an adult who is being every bit of the a**hole, but you would never slap a wayward child who doesn't know any better. It really is infuriating. But, true to IPP teachings (Ignatian Pedagogical Paradigm), the context really does makes all the difference.

Towards the end of the first day, we were made to do an activity. We were all made to line up against the back of the room facing the front. The facilitator read from a list that he had. If what he read was true for us, we could get to step forward. If it wasn't, we had to stay behind. He read a long list and I don't want to put it all here but you can access the article here. I will give you some examples though. Here are some of the things he read:

1. I can, if I wish, arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.
2. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.
3. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me.
4. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.
5. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven't been singled out because of my race.

...and on and on and on. Every single white participant was able to take a step forward at each item. I was only able to take a few. The Argentinean-Swiss lady was able to take just one step over me. The black participants? They did not move.

It was numbing for me to be in that kind of situation, to say the very least. I was angry and frustrated and humiliated. The funny thing was, the white people felt the same way - for circumstances that were the exact opposite of mine.

They didn't realize how much they took for granted, in terms of the privileges that they were not supposed to have just because of being white, and how by their mere complacency they become complicit.

I, however, had a two-pronged sword thrust into me. On the one hand, I felt righteous indignation over the fact that my being Asian has kept me at the back of the room. I grew up privileged myself - I've never had to be afraid of any of those circumstances growing up. I come from a good family, went to a good church, was popular in high school and college, went to great schools, got good grades, had a noteworthy job, and a bag of chips! I absolutely hated the fact that I had to be in that situation just because I was in a different country. In a perfect world, location should not mean a change in circumstance. Unfortunately, it does. And it is most true here in the States.

My sigh of relief is that I do not intend to become an American citizen. I do not intend to make my everlasting home here. Chad and I fully intend to raise our children in the Philippines. My being here is a step in a plan that ultimately involves living in the Philippines happily ever after.

And there's the rub (and the second prong). I realized that had that activity been held in the Philippines, I could have easily been on the other side of the room. It wouldn't have been about race though. It would have been about the kind of education I received, my accomplishments, my money, my affiliations. I have also taken all the privileges my "class" has bestowed upon me in the Philippines for granted. And so when I return, I have to be mindful of that as well. I will teach. I will learn. I will help. I will give. I will speak. I will vote. And a bag of chips.

What separated the white participants from me and the other minorities was not something we did. We were separated just because of how we look. All we need to do to close that gap is to merely take a step towards the middle. It's a cliché because it speaks of the Truth: One step is really all it takes.

I encourage everyone, in whatever circumstance you may be, to take a step back and look at the room from the back. The view really is quite different and you never know what you'll learn.

And then immediately take steps towards the center.

***

White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh:
http://www.case.edu/president/aaction/UnpackingTheKnapsack.pdf

No Bouquet Toss

I will have none of it, y'hear? No garter thingy either. No doves, no money dance (tacky...but lest you think otherwise...we do need the money! :-D), no ceremony! I won't even be wearing high heels!

Because of what Papa does, people think that my wedding will be a concert of sorts. Yeah, that would be fun and grand, getting all of the choirs (and batches, I might add!) together to sing me into wedded bliss. I must admit, that vision is very tempting. But this arranging a wedding thing has really brought everything into perspective.

We won't be having the traditional wedding ceremony. We will only have the priest, our family, and our sponsors present, and no one else. We will make our vows in front of God and the people we will be most accountable to as Man and Wife.

We will have a small reception. We've limited the guest list to those who are the closest of the close. We hope against hope that the others who do not get invited do not take it the wrong way...but then if they do, at least we will know that they might not have been good friends after all. But do know that aside from trying to make a statement, we're also very poor! So it isn't personal, really. Besides, it's not about you. It's about us! :p

We will not have any of the traditional "games." I don't believe in the bouquet toss. It presupposes that all single women should get married. I have dear friends who are perfectly happy single and I delight in their strength, grace, and beauty and will not mar that by shoving my marriage down their throats. My happiness took this shape and form. My friends' happiness might take another. Who am I to say that they should also be married to be happy?

While the wedding will be a once-in-a-lifetime event, my marriage will be forever. So I'd much rather focus on that.

Oh, yeah. I'm jealous of other couples who have everything perfectly. Let there be no doubt: I am green with envy. And yes, this is, in a way, a way to stroke my own back and tell myself that it's ok. But you know what? It is ok! I'll be jealous for a quick minute, but I look at my fiance and what he had to go through to get to this point; and then I look at myself and what I had to go through to get to this point...really, one could only be so lucky.

One of my best friends in the world had this to say when he found out about the wedding plans: "It's so you." Funny thing is, my dad said the exact same words. That was the best thing that has ever been said about our wedding plans - coming from the people whose opinions matter to me, no less! :-)

So stop the pooh-poohing for whatever reason: because you're not invited, because I won't be having it in an "it" church, because I didn't have a romantic-enough proposal, because I'm not wearing an engagement ring...or whatever. Screw you. I'm happy. Are you? ;-)

Leche. But nice.

My mom makes fantastic leche flan. I mean, it's creamy and sweet and rich and makes you believe in your fervent wish that eggs do not contain bad cholesterol. She uses my Nana's recipe, and it's more or less a no-brainer in terms of putting it all together. (Hyuh-rayyt. Tss.)

Most of my close friends already know this, but the first time I made leche flan, I had my Mom taste it. She thought it was the best puto she had ever tasted. My brother made a similar attempt with (eerily enough) similar results.

A few hours ago, Mama cooked a few pans for a costume dinner party she was invited to (yes, costume dinner party...Since it's Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day here, they're all supposed to be dressed up as human rights activists. Yep. They do stuff like that around here...Tell me about it...Tss...) Providentially, my brother was here at that time.

Big. Deep. Breath. My brother and I decided to tackle that wretched leche-flan-making hurdle once again, but this time, we were going to do it together.

So I did the batter thing...making sure that it didn't get bubbly but remained creamy (hence the puto-effect daw before.) Paolo took care of caramelizing the brown sugar (we both got a little jumpy when the sugar went bubbly and popped, hehe...note for the future: it really does that, so don't scream like a girl...).

We were doing okay, the batter had about 2 bubbles in it and the caramel burned only in a teeny spot...we wrapped it (double wrapped it in fact!) so that the steam wouldn't get into the pan but merely surround it to cook it perfectly (another reason for the puto effect...)

Meanwhile, Mama left dressed as a Muslim activist in honor of our Muslim heritage (we're from Iligan).

(This is totally non-sequitur but I just had to say, she looked really funny in a malong in the middle of a snow storm.)

We waited the pre-requisite 1 hour. We took it out of the steamer. (It looked really professional, too...we have those huge steamer thingamajiggies that the chinese use...) We removed both foil wrappings.

It was too liquid-y.

Denial always comes first, doesn't it?

We said it wasn't undercooked...we just had to let it set. So we let it set. Then we both thought maybe it would be better if it set in the fridge, so that's what we did.

45 minutes later, we had the best tasting squishy pudding we had ever tasted.

As I see it, the foiled leche flan attempt (pun intended, you'll see how there's a pun in a bit...)

1. The double foil wrapper might have blanketed the pan too much. (See? The pun...) As a result, it might have needed to be inside the steamer a bit longer.

2. The pan was too big (it was a bit big...). It might've needed more cooking time.

3. Mama left, bringing with her the good leche flan joojoo.

4. The 3 Bears Theory (patent pending...): First 2 attempts must always be too (insert adjective) - Papa Bear - and too (insert opposite of previous adjective) - Mama Bear. Third attempt will always be just right.

But this trumps all of that...

For those of you who know the sub-reason for my being here, who know the back story...this afternoon was golden because I made syrupy, sipon-like, palpak leche flan with my brother.

With my brother.

We laughed and screamed and laughed at ourselves. It was fantastic. It was fantastic to be that way with him again. It was fantastic.

Can't wait for the 3rd attempt, the Baby Bear attempt. We're all gonna be just fine. :-)

Deal or No Deal - Without Kris Aquino!

I'm currently watching Deal or No Deal - the original one with Howie Mandel. Can I just say? It's soooooooooo much better than the one with Kris Aquino. It's just really funny because I read an article somewhere (Reader's Digest I think...) which said that Howie has major OCD and completely dislikes being hugged. Wrong job, buddy! Hehe. But he's a good sport - he just looks especially pained whenever the excited contestants hug him.

And then, it started to snow! After about a month of complete snow boycott, it's finally here. It's kinda weird because I know I've been complaining about the frigid weather - but actually, it's quite warm for winter. We've been having spring weather these past few days actually. And now the snow is here...which is a bit of a relief because now all is right in the world. Sort of.

All that because of watching Deal or No Deal without Kirs Aquino! Haha!