Paniki

My husband and I had to do errands today (registering Lucia's birth, getting loans in order, etc.) so we had to leave her with my MIL for a few hours. Actually, I'm still at the doctor's clinic, waiting for my OB so she could check on my incision and all the blechy business of the operation. I insisted on having Chad go back to the house ASAP though because I really have been a nervous wreck the whole morning. This was the first time we both left her at the house. Guh.

What if she cries and realizes I'm not there and her tiny heart will think I abandoned her?

First Item on the List: Stop Making Lists!

As I lay here, trying to restrict my movements (because Lucia is using me as a pillow), I am taking stock of my surroundings. I smell like milk, baby wipes, Lysol, soap, and my husband's shirt (he left his shirt for Luci to play with while he is at work). I am overwhelmed, exhausted, and eerily calm.

It has been a little over a week since Lucia finally arrived, and life has been overwhelming, to say the least.

Seriously?

Yep, seriously. Still pregnant.

Ten months and three days pregnant to be exact. I've been impatient, bored, and now flat out anxious-slash-panicky.

Was that a contraction or a kick? Why isn't she kicking as much? Have I taken enough fluids for the day? If I eat this piece of bread will make my baby become too fat for a normal delivery? Was that water leqking or just more of my usual discharge (gross alert)? Should I walk some more? Why do I feel so tired? Why can't I sleep properly at night, but sleep fine during the day -- does this mean my baby will be nocturnal? Why don't I have that nesting instinct thing going on? Is it because I don't live in our own home? Is that why Luci won't come out? Can she feel that?

And why the hell is she so bleepin' nega all the time?

...And that's just the first, oooh, 3.75 minutes of the day. You wouldn't want to know what goes on inside my head during the rest of the day.

Chaddy's a bit frantic as well (in fact, he just called to tell me to eat something and see if she'll kick). He hasn't been able to sleep properly in ages (there's always so much to do!) and I seriously worry about him. Hopefully, things'll ease up when my Mom arrives (in a few hours!). I'm hoping she can calm me down and offset any bad vibes, if you know what I mean.

I've been given advice as to how to speed all this up -- from the mundane (walk, walk, walk) to the bizarre (visualize; pretend you're the baby and visualize your own birth). With the amount of free time I have, I haven't encountered any advice that I had not previously read about or discussed with my doctor though.

Ah, but there is one advice that is quiet and persistent...and the one that I hate the most: Be patient for I am in control.

(((sigh)))

Hay. Si God talaga o...

I just...I just hope everything's okay in there.

I hope my next entry will be on the flipside of this whole journey. Can't wait to complain about engorged breasts and stuff. :p

What is this EQ that they speak of?

Ugh.

Still pregnant. Still waiting. Still, still, still.

There have been developments though. I've dilated a bit, and the doctor was able to touch Luci's head through the cervix already. I've also already lost my mucus plug and the contractions have been ubiquitous. Alas, the ever-important big contractions have not arrived. I'm sure when they do arrive I'll be wishing that they weren't here, but right now, I'm just hoping that they come. SOON.

Sure, it's because Luci's weight is perfect for a normal delivery and I don't want to go through CS. Sure, it's because I don't want to have to be induced.

But more than anything, and I realize this will be a big DUH coming from me, I'm so frakkin' impatient already. Sigh.

So, yeah. Still waiting.

Heeere, Luci, LUCI, L U C I ! ! !