On Coming Home

It has been 5 months since I've returned from the US and I still run into people whom I haven't seen since leaving almost 3 years ago. The reactions never really stray from the usual exchange: My friend says, "You're back!" Which leads to the inevitable follow up question, "For how long?" And my response will always be, "For good...or at least for a very long time, depending on what the Lord reveals."

Conrado De Quiros' article today talks about "coming home," how Filipino students who study abroad must respond to the tug to go back home and help the country. I am one of those who studied in the US and came back home to work. I am, to quote De Quiros, "(putting) to good use what (I've) learned for God and country." Edgardo Angara would be proud of me.

According to Angara, (former) students like myself should "feel (we) have the support and commitment of the government." De Quiros goes on to say, however, that that is simply impossible right now, taking our current government into consideration. He he does offer hope though, seeing that PGMA's reign (yes, reign) is about to end (hopefully, barring any massive change in the constitution).

I must say, all this talk about coming back home despite the "insanity" (De Quiros' term) of that decision makes me seem very patriotic and downright awesome. Fact is, however, I came back home for purely selfish reasons. Chaddy and I went home because we wanted to come home. I mean, why on earth not? Well, actually, that's fairly easy to answer. It's easy to leave and stay away, what with the chaotic city life, choking red tape, incredible humidity (that is doing wonders to my hair), disastrous floods, and an idiotic ex president who thinks he can give it another go (well, the idiotic president throne has been vacated by Bush anyway. I mean, which president can the pundits laugh at now? But I digress...).

I suppose, then, the harder question to answer is, "What for?" I say I came back home for the chance to teach again, for the opportunity to help, for me and Chaddy to start a family, for friendship. Angara (and perhaps even De Quiros) would want those who have studied in the States to help the country, but in all honesty, I came back home for me. All political, social, and all-other-al reasons are just a pleasant offshoot of that intrinsically selfish desire to Just. Be. Back. Home. If I seem to be altruistic in my selfish pursuits, then hurrah. But make no mistake, more than anything else, coming back home was really for me.

So I think this is why it's all working out for me. Sure, things are tough and money's tight (I just realized that I've been living off relief goods...and I wasn't even affected by the floods...that's just all we can afford to eat right now, hehehe...), but I am incredibly, massively, disgustingly, paradoxically happy. I could resent being here every time I see another politician spinning the usual bull**** into (fool's) gold, I could curse the high heavens for the deluge that could have made Noah pick up an axe and several logs again, I could feign a heart attack from all the MSG in the instant noodles I eat. But. I don't, because I want to be here. I like it here. No, I love it here.

With respect to De Quiros (whom I shall eternally love) and Angara (whom I will eternally feel iffy about), perhaps instead of drumming up patriotic duty, they should focus on cultivating a love for country. Not just for the students who leave (and not return), but for those who are still here (and thinking of leaving). No amount of duty will trump my love for my country. This is my country. It's a little crappy right now, but it's my crap. And it won't always be crappy. I firmly, sincerely, and ridiculously believe that. It was easy to complain from far away (what am I saying, it's easy to complain here!), but here, I can be part of the solution. But before you think I'm being honorable again, pause, because really, how hard is it to be selfish?

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas, dude.

Personal Odysseys

As part of our discussion of The Odyssey, I asked my students to write about their own personal odysseys, to reflect on significant events in their lives that helped shape who they are today. There are the usual stories: first heartbreak helped them be more careful with relationships, first attempt at a team sport allowed them to be more appreciative of others, first failing grade made them determined to do better in school...

...and then there are those that broke my heart.

One student, upon the death of a beloved aunt has become agnostic, he now hates God (although, I told him that technically, he isn't an agnostic, "just" angry at God...which is, in light of the situation, a little comforting, because I know that there is hope for him yet). He blames God for taking away his aunt far too soon.

One student, knows that he is capable of great things (he is) but is burdened by an overwhelming sense of ennui (my word, not his, haha...) and he feels trapped.

One student, hates himself. His mother was supposed to pick him up from school one day and was gunned down. A case of mistaken identity. He blames himself.

One student, saw his father die from a heart attack in front of his very eyes. He is struggling with the grieving process and he resorts to hurting himself instead of burdening his mother with his grief.

I have a (not so) baby (anymore) brother who is the same age as my students, and I can't help but wonder if he, too, goes through bouts of self-hate. I offer a silent prayer of thanks that he is safe, that our parents are still around, and that he is, amazingly, a really good person through and through. And then I think about who I was when I was 15/16 and I shudder. Ugh. Thank God my parents stuck by me.

It is times like this that I feel so utterly useless - and yet I am inexplicably happy that I am where I am. What platitudes can I offer? What could I possibly do to make things better? (And from an icky teacher standpoint - how could I possibly be objective enough to give him a proper grade?) But I am happy that I am here where I can make a difference, no matter how minuscule.

For those of you who can, go stop doing whatever it is that you are doing and hug your parents. Hug your loved ones. Let them know they are loved. And pray for my kids. Pray that they find what God has in store for them.

*Sigh*

And now we go back to reality in 5, 4, 3...

"Anya ti nagan mo?"

I know. How cool is that?!?

Went to La Union to visit my husband's distant relatives.

The views were spectacular, but the local children were even more awesome. :-)

Um, so this is what it feels like...

I've been living a strange life these past few weeks. I've been reduced to being an Internet lurker, with hardly any chance to write anything substantial. Ugh. Needless to say, nothing really devastating has happened. To me, at least. In fact, aside from the fantastically packed schedule, everything is actually as it should be.

I've got great kids this year. But that's probably because I haven't been teaching for so long and I still miss it. Ask me again in a few months, lol. ;-) So far so good though.

We've finally moved into our new place, but that means I hardly get to see my husband during the week (something to do with his work). At least weekends are doubly awesome for us (except Sunday nights are horrible).

I feel rather strange to be in such a good place after so long. :-) Loving it, though.

Hmmm. So, yeah, I'm okay. We're okay. We're poor, but we're okay, lol :-).

"You've gained weight!" Oh, really? Well, you've lost tact.

I fully appreciate the irony here: I have a blog. There are parts of me that are for public consumption, so I do realize that I set myself up for — hmmm — moments of unwarranted familiarity with some.

For example:

Person: "How's so and so?"
Me thinking: How on earth did they know about that?
Person: "Oh, I read it in your blog!"
Me thinking: Oh.

Moments like that, I do understand. I mean, hey, I wrote about it. But since I'm pretty sure that I write about super private matters privately (or never at all), then I know that when someone out of my sphere of — well — interest asks about something private, it isn't because I offered it willingly through my blog. It is simply because they are being tactless.

What is it about Filipinos that makes them think you owe them some explanation for how you live your life? And I'm not saying offering justifications for, say, illegally crossing the street. I am talking about deeply personal matters that spring from deeply personal reasons that only a handful of people are actually qualified to ask about (and yet they don't...and that's why they're qualified).

Enough hypotheticals. Why do you people (and I'm just angry, and I don't really mean "you" in particular) think it's okay to say, "Uy, tumaba ka!" in lieu of "Hello! How are you? How have you been?"

We haven't seen each other in years and the first thing you would like to say is that I got fat??? Do you even know why I gained weight? Do you even know why it's painful to hear that? Or worse, they ask, "Kelan ba kayo magkaka-baby???" Yes, sure. We were totally not thinking of having children, but since you so sincerely asked for it, hang on a second and let me call my husband so we can start the baby making process, STAT.

Here's the thing: I gained weight because I stopped taking birth control pills. Those pills helped me with my dysmenorrhea for YEARS. The pills regulated my hormones and it helped with the monthly pain — no, torture — that I had to endure. The pills, ironically, also ensured that I will have some measure of fertility upon discontinuing them, because I also have all sorts of reproductive issues. When I stopped taking them (roughly two years ago), I went through all sorts of physical withdrawal. I gained weight, I lost weight, I gained it again. I lost hair. I broke out like you wouldn't believe. I suffered from insomnia. But I endured all that because my husband and I wanted to have a child. And since this is private and available only to select individuals, then you all know by now how painful this particular aspect of our life is to me.

SO EXCUSE ME IF MY OWN PAIN WREAKS HAVOC ON THE IMAGE YOU HAVE OF ME, but seriously, I have more important concerns. And yet, I cannot discount the fact, that every time you ask why I gained weight, or why I don't have children yet, all this — ALL THIS — instantly pierces me to the core. You're not important to me, and so your opinions shouldn't matter...but this is, perhaps, my deepest character flaw. And no matter who you are, if you say it, it will be hurtful.

The funny thing is (and by funny, I mean funny-kill-me-now, not funny-haha-like-a-frikken'-tickled-Elmo), one time I actually took the time to explain why I gained weight, you know what that horrid person said??? "Too much information!!!"

Too much information? Too much frikken' information?!?!?! PRECISELY!!! You want too much information? Dude, I haven't even begun to tell you how bad it is. I swear, I almost turned green and transformed into the most ravishing angry monster you had ever seen.

When you tell me I've gained weight (or when you tell ANYONE they've gained weight), you give me unnecessary information. Isa lang napakalaking DUH ng sinabi mo.

When you ask me why I don't have children yet, YOU ASK TOO MUCH INFORMATION FROM ME! Bakit, close ba tayo? Walang hiya ka!!!

I'm sick of smiling, playing along by saying, "Oo nga e. Hehehe."

Here are the things that I seriously want to say:

1. "Ako? Tumaba? Naku, pasensha na. Hayaan nyo po't di na ako kakain."
2. "Ay talaga? Kasi po kayo pangit pa rin e! Galing! Kasi ako, at least papayat pa, kayo ho, pangit na talaga."
3. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi silahis po asawa ko e."
4. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi silahis po ako."
5. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi mahilig kaming mag-asawa sa silahis."
6. "We have butt-sex." — This one's from Mark and Lu, LOL!
7. "Baog po ako, pasensha na ho. Okay lang po ba yun sa inyo?"
8. "Nanganak na nga ho ako e. Kaso nakita ni Angelina Jolie at Brad Pitt, nakursunadahan, ayun, in-adopt."
9. "Sige lang po, mag-novena kayo para mabuntis ako. Ipagdasal nyo na rin po na tumangkad ako, pumayat ako, yumaman ako, at mawala na sa TV si Willie Revillame."
10. "Sayaw tayo sa Ubando? Pwede bang may glow sticks dun?"
11. "E $^%&;# ka pala e, paki mo???"

Thank God I still have my real friends who don't ask, they just listen. Thank God I have my husband who loves me for exactly who I am (faulty pipes and all). And thank God for some family members who hope and pray but do not impose (I think my parents have mastered this, LOL!).

I had dinner with one of my very good friends who also happens to be our ninang sa kasal the other day, and she told me the most wonderful food for thought: When I look at my self and my husband, wala namang kulang e. We are happy the way we are. We don't have much, but by God, we're happy. Having a child will be dagdag — all other blessings are dagdag — but wala namang kulang sa aming mag-asawa.

I was planning to gain more weight and remain childless as a big f-you to those other people. But as it happens, my body is still adjusting to this heat, so I've lost about ten pounds since moving back. Holding out on the baby thing just might be easier.

*Sigh* So there. F that.

Hello. And so we meet again.

So it's been a full week now. My sweat glands have been resuscitated, my atopic dermatitis (skin asthma) is on overdrive, my sleeping pattern is off (which, ironically, means I'm sleeping and waking up normally since I usually have very bad insomnia), and I've gleefully read four books (I'm now on my fifth).

However, it seems as though, no matter how much I psyched myself for this, I was and am still ill-prepared for the monstrosity that is this humidity. It made me wonder if I ever handled this better — I mean, surely I praised this heat to high heavens but a few months ago. Yes, granted, it was during the height of winter, but still! Was it ever really this bad? I swear, for about five minutes this afternoon, I probably went into a shallow coma. I tried to imagine myself in Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, or at least in Mitchell's Savannah, conjuring up some semi-glamorous scene — me on a rocking chair on a creaky porch drinking heavenly sweet tea. I opened my eyes and realized it was just sticky, rash-y me on a couch that was a wonderfully able conduit of evil-evil heat.

So far, my husband has been driving me around because he is the consummate gentleman — and also because I have since gained a renewed appreciation for, well, being alive. Good grief. After driving in the sleepy streets of Grand Rapids, Manila traffic has rendered me fearful for my life. No, seriously. I still have to look at my husband in complete wonderment because he was able to fall back into the groove of driving here, whereas I have resigned myself to the fact that I shall forever be either a commuter or a passenger.

I miss our GR friends. I miss having access to the Internet 24/7 (this one is particularly hard to get over, LOL!). I miss my favorite bar. I miss my cubicle at work. I miss my co-workers. I miss my family — eating dinner and watching Brian Williams together. I miss our church. I miss going to church with my family. Hoo-weee.

But.

It is glorious to be back home. I wake up in the middle of the night and hear Manila nighttime noises. The all-too-familiar skyline greets me everyday. At any given moment during the day, someone, somewhere, is always laughing. Always. :-) The food is UN-BE-LIEVE-A-BLE. Conversations with old friends belie the more than two years spent apart. Our dog, Sushi, curled up against me and promptly fell asleep after heaving a huge and contented sigh. My husband's aunties were here to visit because my father-in-law passed away, and they are a HOOT! :-) It was great to see my in-laws again. And best of all, it is easier to fall asleep now, because my husband is beside me again.

I've been asked several times why I came home. Which place is better. Would I stay long. Aside from the why I came home part, the rest of the usual questions, I honestly don't know how to answer. Right now, I am on the brink of something great (something about work — I don't want to jinx it, so I won't say anything more than this: Weee!) and I feel like I can't say anything final as of yet. All I know is that right now, I feel like I am where I should be. And good things are about to happen.

And so I'm home. And it's great. :-)

T Minus 34 Hours

It's worth a shot. :-(

Excited and sad, all at the same time.

Click on the image to enlarge. Photo from xkcd.

Separation Anxiety

Today was my last day at work — the first of a series of lasts till I leave in exactly six days.

It feels weird — I am all at once excited, sad, calm, and scared. It's not like I haven't done this before. It's just that, at this precise instance, if I become quiet and still enough, I can almost feel myself growing up. :p

More than anything, I feel grateful for having had the chance to work here. The nonprofit sector will always be in my heart now. *sigh*

And off I go to the next chapter...

Tragedy and Triumph

My father in law passed away peacefully, quietly, and without the pain that nearly defined his bout with cancer. The tragedy is ours -- he shall be so painfully missed -- but I am so happy that he is triumphantly with our Creator now. He is without pain at last. 

Going on a Date with My Moleskin and Whatever's On Tap

I'm one of those people who always carries a journal around (that's why I can never have a small bag -- Where will I keep my moleskin? Where will I keep my fancy-colored pens?) and yes, I do whip it out and write during the most random times (like when I remember something cool, overhear something funny, or think of a nice topic to blog about). When I feel like it's been a while since I last wrote a substantial entry, I go straight to a bar, find a quiet corner, and write. Alone. Yes, I'm one of those ;-). Blogging is a hobby, writing in my journal is a need.

I can usually spot kindred spirits, fellow journal-ists who just want to be left alone -- occasional interruptions by bartenders who offer to get you another beer are welcome though. I can also spot posers. They don't bother me, I just chuckle at them and move along. Everyone needs a shtick. Here's yet another webcomic strip from xkcd to explain what I mean (click on the image to enlarge):

Recent events in my personal life are begging some attention. A tragedy is afoot, and I feel helpless and broken. I just might stop by this new bar I saw before heading home. Not for any lack of attention, but I feel like my journal and I need some alone time again.

I'll do my best not to alienate anyone. :p

Who's Going To Teach?

I LOVE Boston Legal. It is intelligent, hilarious, and everything else that makes me love David E. Kelley. One of our local channels offers three hours of Boston Legal reruns every Tuesday and Wednesday (yay!), so last night, as with most Tuesday nights, I was happily basking in a haze of Boston Legal induced bliss.

One of the episodes made me sit up and pay closer attention though. One of the cases that Shirley Schmidt handled (from Episode 12 from Season 3, entitled "Nuts") was on this preschool teacher who was sued by the parents of one of her students who died because of an allergic reaction to peanuts. Apparently, despite best efforts to prevent any peanut presence in the classroom, one of the students managed to slip in a bite-sized piece of chocolate that had nuts in it. As a result, the kid with the peanut allergy died. At the time of the allergic reaction, the teacher was on her cell phone. Cell phone use was not allowed, but she couldn't help herself from checking up on her father who had surgery. She found out that her father died. She turned her back so she could cry for a brief moment, and the unfortunate incident took place.

Shirley Schmidt, played by Candice Bergen, gave the closing speech in defense of the teacher. As a teacher myself, I was moved by her speech, because it rang true on so many levels. I tried to find if there was a clip available on YouTube but only found the transcript. No matter, it's still awesome. Here's what she said:

"Lawsuits are about allocating burden. For example, we want our cars to be safer, so we hit the manufacturers with a judgment that makes it more cost-effective to install the airbag. The problem here, as Ms. Bixby correctly states, is we have more and more special needs kids going into our public schools, combined with an unprecedented escalation in auto-immune diseases, autism -- the peanut allergy alone has doubled in recent years.

"So, who do we heap this responsibility on? Who else? The teachers. The average annual starting salary for a teacher is $32,000. For that, we ask them to teach, police, provide emotional and social guidance - at some schools, they actually have to clean the toilets. Now, let's throw in healthcare.

"This teacher -- she works 65-hour weeks. In addition to her actual classroom duties, she teaches sex education to the older kids, she teaches a standardized test the school mandates in order to qualify for funding under the No Child Left Behind Act. She spends another ten hours a month meeting with parents. She supervises extra-curricular activities, goes on overnight class trips, cleans and disinfects toys, coaches. She teaches fire drill safety procedures, healthy eating habits, she's certified in CPR, first aid, and food sanitation.

"She's so overextended that when her own father had to undergo a life-threatening medical procedure, she couldn't be at the hospital. So she called on her cell phone to see if he had lived. Which he hadn't. She then turned away from her students, so as not to traumatize them with her grief, which as a teacher she was expected to internalize.

"She has no savings...no house. And today she's being sued because, without her knowledge, one of her students snuck a bite-sized candy bar containing traces of peanut into her classroom. Now she's being publicly blamed for the death of a child whose parents had the means to implement a multitude of safeguards. They implemented none of them except -- a teacher.

"Is it any wonder half our teachers are quitting the profession outright within five years? Never mind who's going to handle the epi pen. Who's going to teach?"
They won the case, but the sad part is that the teacher decided to leave the profession and become a real estate broker. The teacher reasoned -- and boy do I see the irony here -- that there's room for growth in that industry. That episode originally aired on January 16, 2007 -- just a little over two years after that, we are now in an economic quagmire, the likes of which people from my generation have yet experienced.

It really puts my desire to teach in perspective. Recently, I've been thinking of what else I might do other than teach, contemplating on whether or not I am selling myself short by not taking full advantage of the other things I can do (well). This episode was timely, then, because when Shirley asked that last question, I found myself saying, "I will!"

*sigh* Can't wait to go home and do just that.

These Chucks Were Made for Walking

I've had these chucks for as long as I can remember (bought them when I was 15/16). A former boyfriend almost bought me a new pair of sneakers just so I would get rid of these and I promptly gave him the evil eye.

I obstinately wore them throughout the slushy winter season as well, but this early spring weather, chilly-yet-gorgeously-sunny, is working out perfectly for me and my chucks.

.....

I've talked about how much I love the Philippines and how I'm just itching to go back home, but I realized I never really gave Grand Rapids much love. GR is a wonderful city, filled with wonderful people. I spent the first few years of my marriage in GR, met the most amazing friends I could ever wish to have (more on that later), and I was able to study in a very good school. It kinda sucks to leave all the goodness behind, but as I keep telling my friends, better to leave a little sad than to leave too happy -- because it means that my stay here meant something.
Last Friday, while waiting for friends to arrive for dinner, I went around a few blocks downtown. I'm glad I did, because I've always loved the architecture of the buildings. I mostly stuck to the Rosa Parks Circle and tried to capture the most of this beautiful afternoon in downtown GR.

It is unfortunate that GR is so far away from the Philippines though. Sometimes I wish that it was just a simple bus ride away (more importantly, that it would be just as cheap to fly here as it would be if I could just hop on a bus to get here -- if that were at all possible). But I will never be truly far away from my friends here, in the same way I was never truly far away from my friends back home. Life will not quite be the same without my GR friends though. And -- oh boy -- I am going to miss them.

I am torn between wanting to go home right this very second to be with my husband and my in laws (now more than ever) and staying for just a little longer to be with my friends. I truly was not expecting to find friends like these guys, and I am reminded of what happens whenever the Lord takes control of my life. I can't believe we won't be able to see each other as often anymore, I hate that I won't be here for the birth my godchild, it annoys me to death that I won't be here to play pusoy dos with them anymore (haha), and it breaks my heart that we all can't be together and just laugh, dance, scream, and be quiet.

So I'm going to take my chucks and I'm going to walk away from all this to walk towards all of that. Because that's what people do. They move on and live the rest of their lives. Oh, how I hate growing up. :-(

What Kind of Reader Are You?

Teehee. And I thought I'd be a book snob.

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Dedicated Reader You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more.
Literate Good Citizen
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Book Snob
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

This Wouldn't Have Happened Had They Been Straight

Got this article from Fridae. So disappointing.

April 1, 2009
Filipino lesbian mother faces deportation from US
By News Editor

A 43-year old woman faces likely deportation to the Philippines on Friday leaving behind her partner of 23 years and two twelve-year-old twin sons who were conceived invitro using her American partner's eggs.

Shirley Tan and her partner Jay Mercado, a naturalised citizen born in the Philippines, were married in San Francisco in 2004 but their marriage was voided among the other 4,000 marriages performed by the city of San Francisco. The California's Supreme Court ruled that Mayor Gavin Newsom overstepped his authority when he ordered city hall officials to begin issuing marriage licenses to gay couples.

Even if it still were in effect, the federal Defense of Marriage Act prevents Mercado from sponsoring her partner of 23 years for immigration. Were the pair a married opposite-sex couple, advocates say, Tan could be legal.

The couple are both the legal parents of their boys who are US citizens. Tan now wears an ankle bracelet assigned by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents who knocked on the front door at 6.30 am on Jan 28 this year, according to media reports.

Immigration Equality released a press statement on Mar 27 highlighting the US’ discriminatory immigration laws saying: "We hope the press will generate US government interest in staying the deportation, and understanding of the need for passage of the Uniting American Families Act to stop the destruction of our families."

Immigration Equality press release:

CALIFORNIA — Immigration Equality today spoke out about a California family that may soon be torn apart. Due to immigration laws that discriminate against lesbian and gay couples, Shirley Tan will likely be deported April 3, separating her from her life partner Jay Mercado, their twelve-year-old twin sons, and Jay's mother, for whom Shirley is the primary caretaker. The deportation will send Shirley back to the Philippines, where she was a victim of extreme violence.

"From the moment my sons were born we have never been apart. It's tearing me apart to have to leave without them," said Shirley.

Unlike married straight Americans, Jay cannot sponsor her life partner for immigration. The Uniting American Families Act (UAFA) would remedy this discrimination against gay and lesbian Americans and allow them to sponsor their partners for immigration. The bill, introduced by Sen. Patrick Leahy in the Senate and Rep. Jerrold Nadler in the House, has 107 additional cosponsors in the Senate and House.

Shirley and Jay are also seeking a private bill from their members of Congress for a stay of deportation, so that they can stay together in the US or have time to make plans to uproot their family and move together to another country.

"Once again a family is on the verge of being torn apart because U.S. immigration laws discriminate against gays and lesbians," said Immigration Equality Policy Director Julie Kruse. "We hope the U.S. government takes immediate steps to keep Shirley and Jay and their children and parents together, and that Congress passes the Uniting American Families Act so the destruction of our families ends."

Rep. Jackie Speier (D-CA-12) and Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), who represent Shirley and Jay in Congress, have cosponsored the Uniting American Families Act.

"Shirley Tan's unacceptable situation is just one example of why Congress must pass immigration equality legislation. The Uniting American Families Act, which I co-sponsored, will allow lesbian and gay Americans to sponsor their permanent partners for residency in the United States," said Rep. Jackie Speier. "In the near term, I am confident that any official who examines the facts in Shirley Tan’s case will come to the conclusion that this hard-working mother of two should not be sent to a country where she has no support network and was the victim of a horrific act of violence."

Victoria Neilson, Immigration Equality's Legal Director, stated, "There may be no options for this family under existing law. How can they explain to their children that the U.S. Government does not consider them a family?"

This week, the White House issued a statement about the Uniting American Families Act, saying "[President Obama] thinks Americans with partners from other countries should not be faced with a painful choice between staying with their partner or staying in their country."

37 thousand couples across the nation face similar circumstances.

It is finished!

("Finished" must be pronounced as "fi-ni-shed" so it'll have that theatrical ring to it, lol.)

Today was a beautiful day. Hard to believe that it was snowing like the dickens yesterday. There was a definite hum of efficiency in school today -- it was as if everybody else had stuff to do and boy-oh-boy were they going to finish it today!

And so I printed my final draft and had my final meeting with advisor. After a few minor format changes, I went back to the computer lab, printed the final version of my thesis, dashed to Kinko's to have that bad boy bound, and dropped it off my advisor's office.

So there. I'm done. *blink-blink*

And now I shall launch into a full on screaming spree.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

I can't believe I'm done, a whole two weeks before deadline. Hoooooweee. Now I don't know what I'll do with all my free time. (Here's an idea: do all the memes I was tagged to do weeks ago! LOL!)

Thank you, everyone, for all the support and kind words. I had been writing nonstop for several months, but in reality, I had been researching for this thing for two whole years. Every paper I did all throughout my graduate studies had been geared towards this single topic, so I feel like I just gave birth to a bonny little thesis. Gah. God is good.

Here's what I wrote on my acknowledgment page:

"In writing this final project, and indeed all throughout my graduate studies, I have benefited from the encouragement, advice, and constructive criticism of Professor Douglas Busman. I also thank Mrs. M. Pengson and Mrs. L. Agnir-Paraan who inspired me to teach in the first place. I still hope to be like them when I grow up. I thank the Ateneo de Manila community – former teachers, colleagues, and students. Thank you for affirming the belief that this is my life’s purpose. I thank my parents who lead by example. And I thank my husband whose love and support guided me through the storms of writer’s block (and more).
I shall always love my country no matter where I may be. I will never forget who I am – and I am who I am because of all of you.

Lastly, I humbly dedicate this project to the Filipino students of tomorrow. Let us constantly embrace the unfolding mystery of our identity. Let us humbly be unapologetic in claiming our own future."

It. Is. Finish-ed!!!

I need your participation in this exercise in self-indulgence.

N.B. I honestly thought I had successfully cross-posted this the same time I published this on "the other side." Ack. It's a little anti-climactic now, especially since the other post has so many awww-inducing replies already, but what the heck. This should be interesting. 

Answer all, most, or some of these questions about me. It doesn't really matter (changing the rules a bit). Thank you!

1. The love of my life.
2. Where you and I met.
3. Take a stab at my middle name.
4. How long you've known me.
5. The last time that we saw each other.
6. Would I ever go sky diving?
7. Your first impression of me upon meeting me/seeing me.
8. Am I funny?
9. My favorite type of music.
10. Can I sing?
11. The best feature about me.
12. What do I want to do more than anything?
13. What is one thing that you think I should do?
14. Do I have any special talents? If so, what are they?
15. Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else?
16. Have you ever hugged me?
17. My favorite food.
18. If there was one good nickname for me, it would be...
19. Your favorite memory of me.
20. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, I would bring...
21. Do I believe in God?
22. Who is my best friend?
23. Will you repost this so I can fill this out for you?

Fun Meme for Bookworms (or Other Cool People with Similar Proclivities...)

Rules:

• Grab the book nearest you. Right now. (Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.)
• Open to a random page
• Find the fifth sentence.
• Write your answers in the comment box.

"Yet we still do not know where the drive to truth comes from, for so far we have only heard about the obligation to be truthful which society imposes in order to exist, i.e. the obligation to use the customary metaphors, or, to put it in moral terms, the obligation to lie in accordance with firmly established convention, to lie en masse and in a style that is binding for all."

On Truth and Lying in a Non-Moral Sense, Friedrich Nietzsche

For the Record

As some of you might know, I am pretty liberal. Therefore, it won't be so difficult to guess how I feel about the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. But I choose not to blog about them because they're usually fallacious, mean-spirited, and to be upset with them long enough to write a blog entry explaining why they're awful would just be a monstrous waste of time. I know they're "just entertainers" anyway, so meh.

But, in light of recent pronouncements, I feel the need to state for the record, that I absolutely despise them both, to my very core. There.

Moving on...

Breaking Free from Self-Made Shackles

As some of you might know, I am currently working on my thesis. I'm creating a learning unit that aims to teach English to Filipinos in such a way that it encourages original thought and promotes a renewed and well-defined national identity and NOT perpetuate the cloying effects of Colonial Mentality. Aside from my wonderful advisor, there seems to be a growing bunch of individuals who are really excited to read the final product. I can't say I blame them because -- and I say this with as much humility as I can muster -- I think my topic rocks.

At the same time, though, I am at the point of my research and writing where I feel stumped not only because of the ever-present threat of writer's block, but also because, to tell you quite honestly, it's a little depressing. I am not writing this thesis for the sake of academic what-ifs. Technically, it's a Master's Project because I intend to create a working unit, one that can be applied in the classroom. But I am discouraged by the creeping awareness that this little-project-that-could, well, won't.

I'm designing the unit so that it can be adapted to the curriculum of the school where I used to teach: an all-boys, Catholic school, that has long been the precursor of innovative pedagogical paradigms. But with all due respect to that school and its community, that school doesn't need this lesson as much as other schools do. As much as other children do. That school already has a wealth of resources available to them. I know that I need to go to the heads of the public education system to affect real change in Philippine society. If I want to make real change in the Philippine educational system, I need to go to the root of the problem. And there lies the rub. My idealism is dwarfed by the enormity of corruption and apathy that surround public schools. I feel tiny and insignificant and lost.

This is no pipedream. This topic isn't one that I just plucked out of nowhere. Every single paper I've done since I began my Masters has been towards this end. And now that I'm nearing the finish line, I am bogged down by negativity and utter hopelessness. How do I tell the powers-that-be that we should stop emulating the colonizer that no longer occupies us? How do I tell my fellow Filipinos to snap out of their insipid obsessions on copying The Other that clearly has had their fill of us? Hang on, Mr. Tumbleweed, let me join you as you bound aimlessly in the highway of cultural denial...

...Or maybe I'm just tired. Yes, maybe that's just it. This topic is getting the better of me. As it should be, I suppose. Enough writing for today, I guess. I'll be back to my old chipper self tomorrow. For now, listen to me, Oh Great Vastness of Cyberspace. Listen to me fellow Filipinos near and far: We are shackled by our own self-doubts. The oppressor has long gone. We need not be bound by their influence anymore. We can't blame it all on Them anymore. We are the ones bringing ourselves down. Let's be rid of this borrowed identity and forge our own. Because I don't know about you, but I want to be free.

Proust-y the Snowman...

...LOL. I apologize. We're in the middle of a semi-snowstorm, so I couldn't resist.

Got this from Aimee who got this from Vanity Fair. Here we go...

"Since July 1993, the back page of Vanity Fair has been devoted to the Proust Questionnaire, in which a noteworthy person answers a series of personal questions. The questionnaire has its origins in a parlor game popularized (though not devised) by Marcel Proust (1871–1922), the French essayist and novelist, who believed that, in answering these questions, an individual reveals his or her true nature." (VF)

1.What is your idea of perfect happiness? 
I have none. Because perfect happiness...

2.What is your greatest fear? 
...scares me. While perfection intrigues me and baits me, to actually achieve it scares me. What else will there be once it is achieved? And my puny human brain is incapable of wrapping itself around the notion of perfection.

3.What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I hate my temper, although I must give myself chops because it has toned down significantly.

4.What is the trait you most deplore in others? 
Deliberate ignorance -- Pareho tayo, Aims. I have such a low tolerance for ignorance (maybe that's one of the reasons I became a teacher, lol), but deliberate ignorance? Forget it. You are dead to me.

5.Which living person do you most admire? 
It's difficult to answer this. Top of mind na lang: Anthony Bourdain. LOL.

6.What is your greatest extravagance?
My books, closely followed by my shoes.

7.What is your current state of mind? 
Mild panic. Denial is a wonderful thing.

8.What do you consider the most overrated virtue? 
Conservatism.

9.On what occasion do you lie? 
Playing cards ;-). But I don't do that so well.

10.What do you most dislike about your appearance? 
Do you have an hour? Geez.

11.Which living person do you most despise? 
There are six of them, and I don't remember any of their names, save for one.

12.What is the quality you most like in a man? 
Humor and integrity.

13.What is the quality you most like in a woman? 
Integrity and humor. Really, why ought it be different from what I would admire in a man?

14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse? 
"Awesome" and "Crap." That means I go through both extremes a lot during the day, lol. :-)

15.What or who is the greatest love of your life? 
Chaddy.

16.When and where were you happiest? 
The months immediately preceding my leaving for the States in 2006. But those were also some of my saddest months.

17.Which talent would you most like to have? 
To swim like that first lady who crossed the English channel. I figured it might come in handy, since the worst way to die as far as I'm concerned is by drowning.

18.If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 
I get hurt very easily, I just don't show it.

19.What do you consider your greatest achievement? 
Getting married, not to Mr. Right, but to Mr. Right For Me.

20.If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? 
A star. Like the ones up there, not like a celebrity.

21.Where would you most like to live? 
Manila.

22.What is your most treasured possession?
My journals.

23.What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? 
I don't even want to write it down for fear of having it happen too soon.

24.What is your favorite occupation?
It's a toss up between reading and writing.

25.What is your most marked characteristic?
My wit? My righteous indignation? My height? I don't know, this is best answered by someone else.

26.What do you most value in your friends?
Support.

27.Who are your favorite writers?
*groan* Not this impossible question! No, I'm walking away...

28.Who is your hero of fiction?
Lucy Pevensie

29.Which historical figure do you most identify with? 
Can't say that I do with anyone.

30.Who are your heroes in real life? 
Honestly? My husband. He always takes care of me.

31.What are your favorite names?
We've already picked names for our future kids (if we do have kids), but I don't want to write them down because I might jinx it! LOL.

32.What is it that you most dislike?
Like I said, deliberate ignorance.

33.What is your greatest regret? 
Good answer, Aims. No regret, just remorse. I'm sorry I stayed far longer than I should have with someone in particular. But, at least I was able to gain really good friends because of my association with him. So quits lang. ;-)

34.How would you like to die?
With a smile on my face.

35.What is your motto?
Credo quia absurdum. I believe precisely because it's absurd.

We're Too Damn Nice

In the interest of full disclosure, I will say (as if you didn't know by now) that I am a rabid fan of Anthony Bourdain. So if I were to say that last night's episode of No Reservations was another spectacular manifestation of the genius of Bourdain, it shouldn't be that big a surprise.

But since last night's episode was on the Philippines, I loved the episode not only because of its technical merits but also because it was able to get to the meat of the matter (alert: lame attempt at pun #1). Last night was no ordinary travel episode. No near-manic exclamations about the Philippines' inherent beauty. No over zealous panning of smiling men-women-children amidst a backdrop of muted poverty. And aside from the fleeting understatement on how the Filipinos were so "ridiculously nice" to Bourdain, there was no hyped-up (re)utterance regarding Filipino hospitality. Not to say that all these aren't true. They are. But if I had a buck for every time this sort of cop-out sentimentality comes up...

...This was a realistic presentation of a question so intrinsic to all Filipinos -- a question that probably lingers at the back of the mind of many of those fortunate to live in the Philippines; a question that burns in the front burner (as opposed to the back burner -- lame attempt at pun #2) for those who, like myself, live so far: What is "Filipino"?

In Bourdain's narration, I could sense his perplexity. Are Filipinos Malayan? Chinese? Spanish? American? This confusion regarding our national identity is not only the reason there is no definitive Filipino presence in the global food scene, it is symptomatic of a cultural fault that is oftentimes thought of as a boon: That we are "too damn nice" (as Bourdain aptly put it). Instead of forging a clear identity, our default reaction at the face of a foreign presence is assimilation.

No, wait, that's a hasty generalization. I've been witness to a lot of efforts by fellow Filipinos who -- violently and peacefully -- fight for what is "truly Filipino" (no matter how enigmatic that notion may be). But I only have to look at myself to see the effects of assimilation: My so-called American accent, my movie and music preferences, the majority of books in my (ever-growing) collection, my idiomatic expressions, heck, even the language I use to blog and how I italicize Filipino words*. I have so successfully assimilated in the Western culture, that aside from the Highlander moments I have with fellow Filipinos here in the US (that is, they just *sense* that I'm Filipino), to The Other, I am just ubiquitously Asian. I have been Vietnamese, Chinese, Indonesian, and -- my favorite -- "Philippinese" so many times, it's become a game to me now ("Quick, what do you think I am?" *insert sly smile*)

Gloria Anzaldúa talks about the hybrid persona, "the new mestiza" in Borderlands/La Frontera. She talks about how, as a Chicana, she is caught in the middle of so many notions of who she is because of her cultural history. I feel for her entirely. I am letter D and letter E in the cultural multiple choice of life: none of the above, and all of the above (always, sometimes, AND never).

But instead of dissecting the parts of my hybridity, I want to embrace all of these wonderfully opposing-while-also-complementing parts that make me who I am. This hybrid identity IS the new identity. All of the above, none of the above, always, sometimes, and never, full stop. No parenthetical remarks. In the same way as all 7000+ islands make up one country, all those influences make up one identity.

Bourdain felt sad for Augusto, his pseudo-Virgil, and rightly so. Augusto reminds me of a Fil-Am friend I have here who also struggles to find the balance between being raised American while being proudly Filipino. Now that he and his wife are about to have a child, the question spills over to how they will raise their child and how they will strike their own balance in the formation of his/her own national identity. But while the episode ended with a somber note, the story of the Filipino goes on. And while the quest for national identity is not unique to Filipinos, it goes without saying that perhaps this question should be dealt with more urgency and seriousness in the midst of our frenzied attempts to assimilate.

Good grief. I haven't even talked about the food that was featured!  But see, the episode was so much more than the food (but oh, glorious food!!!) and became downright existential for me. Guh. Well done, Bourdain.

Oh, and while you've officially named Cebu's lechon the "best pig ever," allow me to haughtingly say, tell me something I didn't know. ;-)

Now where can I find me some sisig?!?!?!

* But I must be more forgiving of myself on this point as I realize I have an international audience -- woohoo, I have an audience. Another coin in my Narcisstic Piggy Bank.

A Series of Unrelated But Feakishly Well-Timed Moments of Epiphany

This past week has been pretty hectic at work, what with the laying off of four significant people in the organization (my [former] boss included). Despite that, several interesting things happened this week:

Aha Moment # 1

I won a free 2-year gym membership. If that isn't a sign that I should start exercising, I don't know what is! LOL. Of course, I won't be able to take advantage of the whole prize, and I still have to find out if there are any strings attached to this whole arrangement. Still, it's still pretty funny when you think about it.

Whether or not this pans out, yes, I got the message. I have to get my butt moving.

Aha Moment # 2

I have always credited several teachers for my decision to start teaching. But the one who was the most influential has been beyond my reach for several years. I had always wanted to find a way to let her know how significant she was -- and still is -- in my life, but for one reason or another, I was never able to really contact her until recently.

One of my best gals was able to see her in a conference and touch base with her. So I got hold of her email address and promptly wrote her a thank-you note. It was weird because as I was writing the email, I felt myself choking up. After all these years, whenever I talk about teaching, and my reasons behind it, I still find myself coming close to tears. Barring the times when I talk about how my husband is so amazing (for those of you who were in our wedding, you'd know this -- remember how nobody could understand our wedding vows because we were crying through the whole thing? LOL), talking about teaching is the only time I get overly emotional. (Oh, who am I kidding? I also cry when I talk about Philippine politics...and when I see a puppy being abused in one of those Animal Planet shows...and when watching another wonderful Johnson & Johnson commercial.)

I told my teacher how much her dedication to teaching helped me through a very rough period in my life. Her lessons were so wonderfully taught that when I started teaching, I patterned a lot of my lessons after the way she taught them. After all these years, whenever I think about how she did what she did, I still get goosebumps.

She emailed back and told me that she was *this close* to leaving the academe because she felt worn out and that she was beginning to think that she wasn't making any difference. My email couldn't have come at a better time, she said. In my email, I apologized for not having written sooner, but she said that if I had written sooner, she would've taken my gratitude with a different perspective. The delayed timing was, in fact, perfect.

Aha Moment # 3

It's no secret among my friends that I have one ex in particular with whom I do not get along (and that's putting it very lightly). I'd go so far as to say that I regret being with him, but I was with him for almost four years, and I do not regret the connections I gained because of that awful relationship. In fact, some of the closest friends I have to this day are people I met through him. One of them, the girlfriend he had before me, is one of the closest friends I have, or will ever have, for that matter. She and I are almost like soul sisters -- we are exactly the same and yet so wonderfully different.

Through the wonders of The-Social-Networking-Site-That-Cannot-Be-Named (TSNSTCBN...harhar), I've reconnected with another one of my ex's exes. The girlfriend he had before the girlfriend he had before me (keeping track so far?) Because of one reason or another, she and I never got close, even though we went to the same college for a while. Through our interactions on TSNSTCBN, I've discovered that she and I actually get along smashingly. Like, we're totally on the same wavelength! I wrote her a message and told her how unfortunate it was that we had not become friends sooner, and how I thoroughly appreciate her views and her almost uncanny insight into my thoughts.

Which goes to show, no man should ever come between two women (unless, of course, that's your thing...hey, no judgment). Imagine all the years we lost when we could have been friends! All because of that turd of a man who did not deserve the love that I, the ex before me, and the ex before her had given him. Sheesh. But no matter, at least we have the future. Hurray for the future (and 20/20 hindsight).

And so ends my reflection for the week. I absolutely love it when these things happen. It reminds me that I am not in control, but God is -- and though we may think it took so long or that it's too late, God's timing is always perfect. Rock.

Clicking My Ruby Slippers Three Times

My husband and I have decided to go home. More accurately, my husband has to decided to stay there in the Philippines while I will fly back to Manila on May 5 (I arrive midnight, May 6, so I'll be there May 7-ish).

Beyond that, I don't think I really have to say anything more. I am aware that I don't owe anybody any explanation. But I take that back. What I mean is, I don't owe anybody any justification -- but for those of you, dear readers and friends, who have been patiently reading my mental farts and talking me through my quasi-existential dilemma, I offer this reason:

Happiness.

In high school, I had a teacher who actually gave a damn. I mean, she really cared about me and what I could do beyond my normally wonderful grades. Because of her and since then, I've always wanted to teach. When I took that leap of faith several years ago and left my cushy corporate job to go into teaching, it was all together frightening and exhilarating. I have never regretted that decision because when I was teaching, I was the happiest I had ever been. Sure the pay was less, the work hours were long, and the work load was amazingly heavy. But teaching has made me irrevocably convinced that this is what I was meant to do for the rest of my life, in one way or another.

So why not teach here? Simple: I want to teach my kababayans first and foremost. While I am not closing my doors to other future possibilities, I want to first and foremost be a teacher to my fellow Filipinos, make a significant dent on my own society, and instead of complaining about how Philippine society is slowly degrading from afar, I want to be there and be part of the solution. Idealistic much? You betcha. I'd much rather be faulted for believing too much than for believing too little. Credo quia absurdum, dude.

I realize that a lot of Filipinos (in the Philippines or elsewhere) may think that I am throwing away all sorts of opportunities by leaving the US. That may be true, but by not being in the Philippines, I am doing that, too. Frankly, the opportunities that I could have in the Philippines are the ones that I would much rather keep within arm's reach than the opportunities I could have here. I do not believe that staying here will be "better" -- especially because my definition of what is "better" may not necessarily fit the mold of many. "Better" is such a finicky, relative beast of a term.

As with almost everything in my life, whenever I feel like I'm heeding God's call, things just simply fall into place. This decision to go back home is no different. A friend offered to help me out with a ticket (amazingly, at the most perfect time). An uncle-in-law offered to help us with the arduous task of shipping our meager possessions back home. Another friend managed to tell me exactly what I needed to hear (and I find myself going back to what he said over and over again, especially when I am confronted with less-than-sensitive, er, admonitions from semi-friends). And so on and so forth. I know some of you come from different faiths, but I urge you to look beyond the default fatalism that is often attributed to Christians. For lack of a better explanation then: everything just feels right. I am giddy at the prospect of finally starting my happily ever after with my husband. I am beside myself with joy. As what my Nana keeps saying, "Ano pa ang hahanapin? (What else could I ask for?)"

On the flip side, I am heartbroken over the fact that I will be leaving very good friends behind. I must admit that I never thought I would make fantastic friends here -- especially because I was initially shielding myself from this very sadness I am now feeling. Despite best efforts, my husband and I have fallen completely in love with a wonderful group of people that are so difficult to leave behind. Aside from that, I am leaving behind friends from my girlhood that have been with me through many ups and downs and the distance that will separate us brings emotions that run even deeper than sadness. And aside from in-laws and distant relatives, I don't have family in the Philippines.

But if there's one thing I've learned from all these years of ping-ponging between the US and the Philippines, distance is dwarfed by the bonds we make. So while it is difficult to say good bye to the people here, I know that it will only be a matter of time till we will all be together again.

I started writing this entry last week. I waited this long because I was still angry over what someone (who is quasi-significant) said to me. He all but said that I was making a mistake for moving back to the Philippines. If it is a mistake, then I will gladly take the consequences -- but it will be in my own terms, not his. I don't remember giving out a memo that asked everybody else to drink my Kool Aid anyway ;-). So if it's cool with y'all, I'll just keep on being "weird" and embrace my "misplaced nationalism." (And that's the extent of my rant over that little kerfuffle. How's that for maturity? Take that, immaturity!)

Thankfully, the people whose opinions matter have all been supportive. They're hurting, but they're supportive. As I am hurting, but happy to be going back home anyway.

As I stand at this precipice before I take yet another leap of faith, I do not see the depth of the jump. All around me I see the Lord's hands enveloping me and keeping me close...and having a wonderfully strong husband with me doesn't hurt either ;-). There is no vertigo, only excitement.

And so to those back home, as well as those I will be leaving behind...see you soon. :-)

Must. Keep. This. In. Mind.

Read this again in the midst of doing research for work. Good to remember...trying to keep my sanity...trying, trying, trying...

Desiderata
(Max Ehrmann; 1920)

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."

According to my Gmail Funny Quote for the day, that was said by Robert Benchley. I just found it funny and appropriate, especially because that's exactly how I feel today.

I've made the decision to go back home. I wrote this long entry to explain why and I found myself getting frustrated because the more I explained, the more I sounded like I was defending my decision. And I'm sick and tired of defending my decision -- like it was such an awful decision.

So no, I'm not going into it today. I'm sick and I'm in excruciating pain (no worries, this happens every month). So I don't trust that I shall be as, er, nice (?) if I start writing about it now. I feel as if I would be spewing out an unfortunate amount of vitriol -- and I wouldn't know if it would be because of certain individuals who think that their notion of happiness fits in with mine, or it would be just the pain (or the pain meds, hehe) talking.

So know only this for now: I'm going back home. I really don't want to talk about it right now. I just want to say it out loud so that it will become real and I can own the happiness that comes from this decision. My declaration of my intent to go home is my big "*bleep* you" to those who think they know how to live my life better than I. (And I know it's a little futile, since they won't be able to read this anyway, but it's the thought that counts, lol.)

More details to follow, I promise.

I. Do. NOT. Want. To. Be. Here.

At all.

So I have to fill out these forms for my OPT (Optional Practical Training) which will allow me to stay another 365 days more after I graduate. And I am upset. Because (1) I *hate* filling out forms, (2) it's going to cost $340 to just file the friggin' thing, and most importantly, (3) I do not want to be here anyway. I am frustrated and angry and upset because I am exerting so much effort and I will be shelling out a lot of money to do something I don't want to do anyway!!!

Excuse me, I know I try not to cuss in my entries, pero t*ngina talaga e -- nakikita n'yo ba yung kabalintunaan dito? Then why am I doing this, you may ask?

Because life isn't just about me anymore. Life is about how my actions and decisions -- or decisions made for me -- will affect those around me. Because I am trapped in the mindset that being in the US is the best friggin' place to be, that the ultimate aspiration is to become a US citizen, that being here is a step towards eternal wealth, that working here is the only way I will ever be rich, that being rich is the way to go.

Who cares if I'm miserable in this godforsaken country? Who cares if every time I dream of the future, I am always -- ALWAYS -- back home? Who cares if the only time I was ever truly happy was when I was teaching back home? Who cares? Who the f*ck cares?!?!

I do.

And this is why I'm sorry, but I cannot be pleasant anymore. I cannot keep telling myself to keep looking at the friggin' silver lining. I cannot put on a smile to make you feel comfortable. I cannot pretend to be OK with everything just so you'll still be able to think that this is what is best for me.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.

Excuse me while I cry and cuss and scream a little.

Yet Another Attack on Homosexuals -- Beyonce's Music: Extremely Gay

http://worldofalbert.multiply.com/reviews/item/118
I don't know how big this will become, but I cannot NOT say anything after reading this man's review.

I'm bracing myself. *sigh*

In case he decides to put down his review or limit access to it, here's what he said:

"Is it me or is Beyonce catering herself more and more to the gay community? It all started with her breakout hit "Crazy In Love." From its intro of "tan tanantantanan" to the opening lyrics of "uh oh uh oh oh oh oh," Crazy In Love has gay written all over it. Add to that, the disturbing sight of cross dressing baklitas imitating the Beyonce dance move of pumping their chests against each other while shaking their sexually-compromised asses. Then came the "To the left, to the left" song (the title of which slipped through my mind) which became a heavy favorite among the third sex.

Gays love songs with annoying high notes (birit) so Beyonce dished out her vocal acrobatics with "Listen" from the OST of Dream Girls, which is a very gay movie by the way.

Her latest album entitled "I Am Sasha Pierce" (or is it "My Name is Sasha Pierce...whatever it is, what I'm sure of, it has a gay sounding title) sealed Beyonce's fate as the new gay icon. The album spawned two hits, "If I Were A Boy" and "Single Ladies."

Listening to If I Were A Boy could gravely demoralize the heart and soul of a young man. More so singing to it can severly compromise the testosterone level of a straight guy. Watching the music video of Single Ladies at MTV Philippines recently, with that choreography and bitchy gay facial expression, it almost led me to believe that Beyonce is a homosexual guy trapped in a woman's body.

On a final note, I have four words for you, Beyonce...

YOU ARE SO GAY!"

And this was my reply:

"I stumbled upon your review because you posted a portion of it in Pinoy Kami. While I certainly respect your opinion, I am uncomfortable with the automatic negativity that you equate with what you perceive to be "gay." And before you say that you have gay friends and so on, know that I am making this assumption because you gave a low rating (1 star) to what you say is "gay" about Beyonce's music. I would go on to say that you make several hasty generalizations that don't necessarily ring true for all homosexual individuals -- but I really want to limit myself to (a) disagreeing with your review, and (b) asking that you be a little more careful and sensitive with your words.

Again, I respect your opinion as it is your own. This is your own Web site after all. But you posted a portion of it in a public forum, and it was my assumption that you did not mind unwarranted reactions. My intent is not to offend -- nor start a debate, actually -- but perhaps shed some light into what I hope will be an intelligent discussion.

Pax."

It's official...

...when you watch movie after movie after movie on the Lifetime Network, and you find yourself rooting for the mom and not the angsty teenager -- it's official: You're old.

Oi. I sooooo don't want to raise my kids in this country. :p

...because they will have funny looking sunglasses in 2010

This was an especially difficult year for a lot of reasons, but it also ushered in a lot of new friendships and the promise for a more hopeful beginning.

2009 is our make-or-break year. Big decisions will have to be made this year, decisions that will ultimately affect how the rest of our lives will pan out. Aside from starting the year without my husband by my side (sad!), I step into 2009 with a lot of trepidation, hope, and faith.

(Picture taken from here.)

1. Was 2008 good for you? Yes and no actually. It was a tough year to be in the US -- but we made such great friends this year and that definitely takes the sting out of a lot of things.

2. What was your favorite moment of the year? Whenever Chaddy and I went on date nights, the road trip to MD/NY and back, cooking a fantastic meal that a lot of people enjoy.

3. What was your worst moment of the year? Whenever I check on the balance of my checking account. LOL.

4. Where were you when 2008 began? At home with my family.

5. Who were you with? Parents, brother, and husband.

6. Where will you be when 2008 ends? I was with my family again, but Chaddy was back in the PI. :-(

7. Did you keep your New Year's resolution of 2008? No, I don't believe in making them for the year. I am a constant work in progress, each day presents itself with an opportunity to change.

8. Do you have a New Year's resolution for 2009? Nope. More of a bunch of hopes. 2009 will be a year for making huge life decisions.

9. Did you fall in love in 2008? Yes.

10. If yes, with who? With my husband, over and over again. :-)

11. Are you still in love? Yes.

12. Did you breakup with anyone in 2008? Yes, with my compulsive need to shop. I've definitely become more mature with my purchases, LOL! I am far from perfect (ugh, don't get me started with Amazon.com!) but I'm definitely working on it.

13. Did you make any new friends in 2008? Oh, most definitely. Really good friends, too.

14. Did you travel outside your home country in 2008? I don't live in my home country.

15. Did you miss anybody this year? Everybody back in my home country.

16. What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2008? Oh, man. There's no way I can pick just one. Lars and the Real Girl, Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist, Wall-E, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button...

17. What was your favorite song from 2008? It's not from 2008, but it definitely has been my anthem for the year. Cynthia Alexander's Comfort In Your Strangeness.

18. How many concerts or plays did you see in 2008? 2 plays and numerous choral concerts.

19. Did you have a favorite concert in 2008? The one in Calvin with the Capella and ACS.

20. What was your favorite book in 2008? I honestly don't know! Too many.

22. How many people did you sleep with in 2008? Just one. :-)

23. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? I can't even think of a year when I did NOT do anything I was ashamed of! LOL!

24. What was the biggest lie you told in 2008? "I'm OK."

25. Did you treat somebody badly in 2008? I came across a few pricks this year, so I honestly hope I did. ;p

26. Did somebody treat you badly in 2008? Yes, but it wasn't anybody that mattered.

27. What was your proudest moment of 2008? Lasting the year.

28. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2008? I'm not sure...

29. If you could go back to any moment of 2008 and change something, what would it be? Not putting aside more time to read. I bought several books this year that I haven't even begun to read!

30. Where did you work in 2008? Johnson Center for Philanthropy.

31. Favorite TV shows(s) of 2008? Grey's Anatomy, Brothers and Sisters, House, Jon and Kate Plus 8.

32. Favorite Band(s) of 2008? No bands, more of singer/songwriters.

33. Favorite Food in 2008? The cilantro rice I make. Yummmm.

34. Favorite Drink in 2008? Grey Goose and cranberry juice.

35. Favorite Place in 2008? "The Batcave." LOL.

36. Favorite person(s) to be with in 2008 aside from family? Our friends here.

37. Favorite person(s) to talk with in 2008? There was no single person, but a bunch of them.

38. Hardest thing you had to go through in 2008? Not having financial security. (This economy sucks.)

39. Most exciting moment(s) in 2008? Obama winning!!!

40. Funniest moment(s) in 2008? Daily banter with Chaddy.

41. A valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10