A Cup of Kindness Yet for Old Times Past

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, 

And never brought to mind? 

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, 

And auld lang syne! 

For auld lang syne, my dear, 

For auld lang syne. 

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet, 

For auld lang syne.

One of the last sunsets of the year here in beautiful Dalipuga.
This shot was taken yesterday.

And so the end of the most brutal year of my life is coming to a close -- and I cannot be happier. Lest the cup of thanksgiving be tainted with the bitterness of this year's experiences though, I would like to part with 2012 on a somber yet cheery adieu. (But good riddance, 2012!)

You need only look through this blog's archives (and add to the 22,000++ views -- thank you, avid followers!) to know how difficult this year has been. But I urge you to concentrate on the last few entries instead so that you can know that I am ending with a thankful, humbled, and thoroughly changed heart. 

Highlights of my year have been many.

Seeing my (grown up) boys again!

Being stage mother to Lucia's first stint as flower girl!
She didn't need to hold my hand to walk down the
aisle! What a pro!

Taking Lucia's to her first international trip!
Yummying it up in Hong Kong!

Mama visiting us in July! Seeing her beloved sea again.

Having good times with colleagues and
saying good bye see you soon.

Celebrating our birthdays together!

Coming back to Dalipuga where my true healing began.

Lucia spending her first Christmas at Dalipuga.

Surviving Pablo unscathed, enjoying this sunset
the day Pablo left.

Going ukay-ukay crazy! (This dress was only 12 pesos!)

Undertaking new projects, one of which being doing nail art
on myself! Haha! (Actually, the true victory here is that I can do
this now because my hands don't shake as much since
having been able to wean off my more powerful meds.)

Finally getting a tattoo of Lucia's name to commemorate my
second lease in life, my mini victories over my mental depression,
and the fact that Lucia is Lucia! :D

Looking forward to my new life as a single mother to this
beautiful girl. I mean, come on, look at that face!!!

Gaining a lot of strength from reading my old loves,
most especially C.S. Lewis.

Also, in the spirit of new beginnings, I'd like to look back in order to move forward by saying a few things. (Few? Me? Haha!)

1. A heartfelt thank you and I love you to my ghels -- Sara, Joanne, Joepi, Leslie, Joyce, Jean, Joy, Eedee, Jana, and Steph. I have known you strong women since my girlhood and you have seen me through everything. I cannot remember nor tolerate a major life event without you in it. You have given me the space I needed and the grace and unconditional love that I did not deserve when all was unraveling and coming back together again. Through everything -- every single blessed thing -- you have been there for me. Lucia is blessed to "inherit" you girls. I have nothing but utmost love for all of you (and your respective spouses and partners!).
2. Thank you to yayas past and present, but most especially to Elsie, our current yaya. I cannot even begin to tell you all how much they have helped me, especially when I had to be away at the hospital for almost a month. Elsie, in particular, has loved Lucia as if my daughter were own. Elsie is patient, kind, and fabulously tireless. Many times she has also been yaya to me.
3. Thank you to my former colleagues who have given me the privacy and silent support that I oh-so-needed. I have received many private messages of hope and support, even in the face of not knowing the whole story. All I know is, they have been praying for me. See where your prayers have brought me! I am eternally grateful. And to the true friends I made while I was teaching (you know who you are)...THANK YOU. I know that you are all going to be my friends forever, even beyond the ending of this particular chapter in my life.
4. My many, many, many children, old and young, I love you! You are all growing with such awesomeness (and speed, huhu!) and I am proud of all of you, beyond belief. Your virtual hugs, jokes, and the mere fact that you tolerate my bad puns (hehe) have brought me much joy and strength.
5. To Lucia's father, thank you for being Lucia's first love, for being there for her, especially when I wasn't there, for taking care of me when I couldn't take care of myself, and for taking care of everything else. I am sorry that things had to turn out this way between us, sorry for the hurt and anger I brought upon you, but I look forward to being the best co-parent with you, as these new circumstances would allow. 
6. My parents, my brothers, my grandparents, and the rest of my family have been AWESOME, you guys. Mi familia, you have given me space and support in right measure, and I have never been in doubt of your love for me. When things hit rock bottom, you were there. The Lord has blessed me beyond my infantile understanding of his existence through all of you. Thank you. I would never have achieved this peace and happiness without you.
7. My darling, beautiful, blessed Lucia, the love, joy, and light of my life -- I cannot even begin to tell you how you brought me back to life. Everything about you gives my life purpose and meaning. I promise to do my best to make you happy for the rest of my life. You are my laughter, my tears, my shivers, my giggles, my curling toes, my wriggling nose, my poorly-painted toenails, my look-at-me-mommies, my crackers with jam, my duck walks, my silly grins, my sparkly eyes, my kissy necks, my trips on lawns, my fearless ledge walker, my goofy utterances. My all.
8. And to you, Kuya Jess. My God. My goodness. Your goodness. I am in awe. "Great is thy faithfulness, morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed thy hand hath provided." I shall use my meager understanding of why you should find favor in me as fuel to my attempts to start this new life you've given me. I balk at the life I have ahead of me, but you shall be here. All shall be well. 

2012 wasn't so nice for me, but I raise this cup of kindness for ALL old times past, good and bad, hoping that kindness shall beget kindness. :)

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." - Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

I've figured out how it could be though. All by the grace of God. Go I. 

Happy new year, everybody! L'chai-im!

A New Day

Today marks the first day I am off my morning meds. :)

My new doctor gradually weaned me off the other meds and now I am left with just two meds at night, with another one "as needed" na lang. A new day, indeed!

Christmas was a blur at the same time, it wasn't. It started off with precious Skype time with my parents and the rest of my family in the US. It had been ages since I last spoke to most of them, and I cannot tell you how much it filled my heart with joy. It set the tenor for the entire day as Lucia met and re-met long lost relatives here in Iligan. I actually met people my age! Haha! I was so happy; it felt wonderful to be around family. And food. Glorious food. :)

Also, today I get my new tattoo; Lucia's name on my wrist, to commemorate how her mere presence saved my life as I tried to end things with that exact same wrist -- how her mere presence saves me every single day.

It's too early yet to say this, but have a happy new year, everyone. It looks like Lucia and I will have one. God be good to us all!

Christmas Cheer

As I was making my morning walk around our property, I saw my usual company: the butterflies (so many!), the chickens, and the goats grazing on the ground. One of them is a new mother, and she was eating the low-lying branches of one of the many malunggay trees (and I thought, that'll be good for your milk production, believe me, haha!). One of their babies even approached me (finally, after weeks of her running away from me) and actually allowed me to pet her. She's this white, beautiful little thing, who's always but a few steps from her mother. And I thought, how blessed they are that their ancestors were actually there during the birth of Christ.

I've been hearing a lot of complaints from people about how they don't feel Christmas yet. All the endless hours spent in Manila traffic, the frenetic shopping (ugh), and the work they have to accomplish during the break is robbing them of the Christmas spirit. Away from all of that, I feel nothing but the Christmas spirit. It'll be the first Christmas for me and Lucia here in Iligan away from the pomp and circumstance of Manila, our first time to be "alone", so to speak, but I can only marvel and be blessed with all that we have.

Amazingly generous grandparents.

The best yaya in the world.

All this fresh air.

More food than we can eat.

Actual cold air (it seems to be unseasonably hot in Manila).

People around us who are loyal, caring, and tireless.

Well wishes and support from my family across the miles.

And a fast-developing, intelligent, loving, and beautiful rotund baby girl. (She's getting plumper and plumper and plumper. I love it.)

I hope my Christmas cheer infects those of you who don't feel it yet. I hope you take a moment to be silent and still and remember, temporally inaccurate as it is, we are celebrating the birth of the best gift humankind has ever received.

All that and it's not even 8 in the morning yet. :)

Happy Christmas.

Comfort In A Nightmare

"For whatever we lose(like a you or a me) it's always ourselves we find in the sea." maggy and milly and molly and may,  e.e. cummings

I have this recurring nightmare that involves the sea (which probably explains why I am deathly afraid of swimming in the sea). It usually starts pretty benign. I'd be walking along the shore, looking at it from afar, or in a car driving along cliffs that border the sea. And then I see these huge waves starting to form. I'm talking Moses-ian waves, waves that could topple civilizations. They'd come from afar but slowly, they take on the strength of a million waves. I always wake up just before I actually drown. The dreams usually make me wake up in a panic, but in recent years, I've learned to take them in stride. I'd wait for my frantic heart to go back to normal and then go back to sleep.

Last night, I had another one of those dreams, but I distinctly remember not feeling any panic. Maybe because, in my dream, I was aware that I was dreaming. Also, the waves weren't coming for me. They were parting, revealing a path. Moses-ian talaga. And then I woke up.

I used to listen to music to drift off to sleep. Since coming here though, I'd listen to the waves instead. The last things I'd hear are the waves and my daughter silently breathing. I look to the sea now and see it as a source of sustenance (we have fish everyday that comes from just a few meters where we live), beauty, calm, and some feeling akin to joy (dare I say actual joy?). In times when I don't have words to pray with anymore, God answers through the constant coming and going of the waves.

Perhaps I've made peace with the sea? I'll probably have a nightmare-like sea dream again, but last night's dream was so vivid. And comforting.

Yesterday, I was talking to a good friend who also happens to be the priest who married us (there are many ironies and non-ironies in this world) and he said, "He has you where you are...Your happiness and fulfillment is His deepest desire and ALL things work and meander their way unto good from the lines we crook and break." This is where God wants me to be, and though it looks like I had to take some painful steps to get here, he did fulfill my heart's greatest desire: to have a child.

I go back to another e.e. cummings favorite, knowing that I am safely housed in God's heart, just as those whom I love the most are in mine.

Happy Sunday, everybody. :)

i carry your heart with me

by e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                              i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Not the End of the World After All

I woke up because our helpers were gustily laughing downstairs. There was a slight crick on my shoulders because Lucia was still curled up beside me. The wind was blowing cold, and as grey as the world was around me, I couldn't help but smile.

Suck it, Mayans. This isn't just the start of the Not-The-End-Of-The-World-After-All Day, this is the start of a brand new life.

It's strange that I'm so calm despite the big changes afoot, what with my bad relationship with Change, but I am at peace. I am happy.

Things are far from perfect. I see difficult times ahead, but it feels good to have an actual goal now.

God speaks to me here. Through the waves that are constant, the visiting kingfishers eating the duhats from the trees, the many-colored flowers that surround me, the chatter of voices that speak a dialect that I am slowly beginning to understand more and more, the late night conversations with our extremely sympathetic yaya, the overflowing generosity and love of my grandparents, the palpable-though-miles-away support of my parents, Lucia's growing vocabulary, everything.

From henceforth, I shall always think of this place as a place of healing. And this day as the start of a brand new life. I may be a single parent now, but God will co-parent with me. I tremble with fear, anticipation, and unbridled joy.

God is good, God is good, God is very good.

Actually...

...I'm okay. No, really, I am okay. I dunno if it's the fact that I'm around my family this time or the new batch of meds or the new doctor, but I'm actually okay.

Sure, things are a little messy right now and I'm about to go through some major life changes, but I'm actually quite okay. I mean, considering...everything.

I've been assessing myself, trying to figure out if I'm in denial mode or in self-preservation mode; this...okay-ness...is pretty bizarre (even for me), but I am at peace. I feel more like myself more often. 

My only worry is Lucia, of course. I want to protect her from the ugliness that might follow. For now, the only way I know how to do that is to ensconce her in love. So far, so good. We've had lots of moments like this one.

Wait for it though. I'm sure I won't remain this positive (not being negative, just realistic). I'm not going to Pollyana my way through this, I'm fully aware of the challenges up ahead. But on this bright, sunny, diamond of a day, I'd like to go on record and say: I'm actually okay.

Of Veils and Eyes

Yesterday, while waiting for my turn with my new shrink, I met this lady clothed in black. Being where I am, I have grown accustomed to the many Muslim women who cover their heads with such beautiful cloths. I have to say though, the ones who are dressed in black, who cover their entire faces save their eyes, those women still take some getting used to. There's something disconcerting about not seeing a person's facial expression.

Anyway, yesterday, I met a woman who was clothed just like that. Unlike many of the people I've randomly met here, she actually spoke to me in Tagalog, so I was able to engage in small talk with her. Turns out, she was born and raised in Manila and only moved to Iligan at the age of 26, when she got married. It felt strange to speak to only a pair of eyes. I couldn't even see if she was smiling or frowning. Exposed though they were, it seemed as though the eyes were still hidden.

After a few minutes of conversation though, she removed the lower portion of her veil and showed me the rest of her face. She said she felt comfortable enough to do that. She looked young for her age (she said she was 41), maybe because she's been shielding her face from the sun all this time (hmmm, mental note), but what really made her seem young was her chattiness. All she did was talk.

At first she was talking about why she was there (which I won't reveal), what her life was like back in Manila, her husband, her children; and then she started asking all these questions about me. What brought about my sickness. What happens to me when I get an attack. What medicines I'm taking. How many times I had been committed. I started to feel more and more uncomfortable until, well, I had an actual panic attack, right there in the waiting room. In front of the unveiled lady in black. I felt myself getting angrier and angrier at her intrusion, but my good upbringing was allowing me to tenuously hang on to my last reserves of politeness. The effort to not snap back took its toll, and so I started hyperventilating. I couldn't see straight anymore and I felt myself getting angrier and angrier. I must've scared her because after a while, she was chanting something, a Muslim blessing from the sound of it. After a while, she said a timid, "Sis, mauna na ako a," and left, making sure to cover her face again. All I saw were her worried eyes.

As soon as she left, I kept punching the walls, the tables, the chairs, all in an effort to calm down. I hated that she had gotten to me, that the client before me was taking so long (and all I could hear was her laughter, surely my condition was more important!), but mostly because...I was suffocating from the veil that I had been using to hide my emotions for so long. This woman showed me her face and practically told me her life story. I, with no veil, could not even look at her in the eye.

The rest of the session was a blur. As soon as it was my turn, the psychiatrist had to give me something to calm me down. By the end of the session, I felt like jello. Spent. Tired.

I have no idea what's going to happen to me now, in light of recent events (which I shall not talk about), but no, I am not ready to unveil the rest of me just yet.

Just look into my eyes and see if you can get anything out of it.

Questions

1. Do I have to get up?
2. Where's my coffee?
3. What am I going to do today?
4. Will they notice that I cried last night?
5. Does she need her diaper changed?
6. What time is it?
7. What will happen if I don't take my meds?
8. What will happen if I take more than the recommended dose?
9. How many times did I wake up last night?
10. Did anyone text/message me?
11. Why didn't anyone text/message me?
12. Oh no, what will he say this time?
13. Why can't I just sleep forever?
14. How long can I go without moving from this bed?
15. Is that tweetable or would that be TMI?
16. What time is it?
17. Should I write about this?
18. Why can't I sleep now?
19. How can the sea be this beautiful?
20. Why am I so sad?
21. How did I get this bruise?
22. Why can't they just leave me alone?
23. Will they notice that I haven't eaten?
24. What's going to happen to Lucia?
25. What's going to happen to me?
26. Why do you love me so much?
27. Why don't I love you the same way anymore?
28. What's going to happen?
29. What time is it?
30. When will this end?
31. How will this end?
32. Why does she trust me so much?
33. What does she see in me?
34. Should I swim?
35. Should I take another one?
36. What time is it?
37. Will anyone notice if I disappear?
38. When will it stop hurting?
39. What are they saying about me now?
40. Is it over yet?
41. Where did she get that?
42. Should she eat that?
43. How am I going to do this alone?
44. Where did "I" go?
45. Will I be sad forever?
46. What time is it?
47. Will anyone notice?
48. Do I have time for this?
49. Is she asleep?
50. Why am I not asleep?

Light

When you finally came, I had all but given up.

From that moment when I cussed at the poor nurse for saying "congratulations" in utter shock, till this very moment, you tucked away in some dream that's making your dimpled cheeks twitch, I have been living in undeserved privilege.

When there are days when I want to give up, I remember that you came when I had all but given up.

You are my only pure joy.

When I cry and you look up to me with your almond eyes, impossibly long lashes, obnoxiously upturned nose, and that smile -- it is sunshine -- I have to question God. What have I done to deserve you?

You look at me as if I am not broken, as if I am not a mistake made one after another. You insist I hug you tight till you fall asleep and my spine, neck, arms, head find new ways to contort so that you will fit into me, like you did when you were inside of me. Sometimes it is painful, but I store each second in my heart, to keep me strong when you turn 16 and ask permission for a tattoo or a piercing and I have to say no and you'll hate me. (Not till you're 18, my darling.)

You nuzzle your head between my breasts and hear my broken heart, whose beats only you have heard from the inside. You will hear it say your name again and again, my precious one. That and "thank you."

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Someone told me that it was unfair to put that much responsibility on you, being my reason to live, to be happy, and for that, I am sorry. But see, you are not my reason to be happy, you are my happiness. There is nothing you can do that will make me unlove you.

In a while, you will wake up and kiss me and ask for a hug and my heart will all but burst. The novelty will never wear off.

You are the light that fends off the Darkness that plagues me. A reminder that, sinful and unworthy as I am, God still loves me. God, in his infinite wisdom, made me your mother. And I am humbled into silence.

Silent, inward sobbing because I was so close -- too close -- to losing you. To losing everything.

I have no more strength to kick the Darkness till it bleeds light. There is no more fight left in me. But I realize you are...

...my light. My Lucia.

Muzzled

Mmmmphfffphmmmphng, mmmhfmmmph hngmfphhuhpbth mngfth.

That's all for now.

Pablo

The day started with the usual breakfast of coffee and bread, but the waves were crashing about. The wind was picking up and the rain would not stop. Instead of waiting things out to see what happened, we decided to go to higher ground at the prompting of our driver. There's a village across the highway from us, and we stayed in the house of one of our relatives.

Power had just gone out when we arrived at the house. But the house was lit brightly thanks to these badass lamps that kicked darkness in the butt. The wind was scary though and we could hear stuff flying about, roofs flapping, hanging on for dear life.

The rest of the day was a blur. I was scared, but not really. I was in pain (periods suck), but at least I had a huge comfy bed to lie in. Lucia was the delight of everyone, goofing around with my Lolo. We were actually able to sleep early since it was so cold, and by nighttime, the rain had stopped.

When we got back to the house this morning, there was hardly any damage. The waves had crashed onto the deck and into Nana and Daddy's room, but the sea itself did not overflow into the garden. There were several trees that fell on our property though, and so the tenants are chopping them so that they can rebuild parts of their houses.

Amazingly, there were no casualties. The local government was excellent and they prepared very well. Now, all is back to normal. The sun is shining high in the sky again, as if nothing had happened.

Yup. Everything's a metaphor here.

Aftermath

The Ghost spoke in dulcet tones.

All at once, it was soothing, even in its muted rage. 

Death is overrated, so the Ghost thought, and so the in-between-ness of this state, just a smidgen away from crossing over, was what it preferred.

The problem with the end isn't that it's ending, it's how much one remembers how it began. And so the Ghost changed form, back again to the beginning. And only then did it cross over. Only then did it fade.

It promised to return with a more accurate rating of Death. Thus, did they part.