Light

When you finally came, I had all but given up.

From that moment when I cussed at the poor nurse for saying "congratulations" in utter shock, till this very moment, you tucked away in some dream that's making your dimpled cheeks twitch, I have been living in undeserved privilege.

When there are days when I want to give up, I remember that you came when I had all but given up.

You are my only pure joy.

When I cry and you look up to me with your almond eyes, impossibly long lashes, obnoxiously upturned nose, and that smile -- it is sunshine -- I have to question God. What have I done to deserve you?

You look at me as if I am not broken, as if I am not a mistake made one after another. You insist I hug you tight till you fall asleep and my spine, neck, arms, head find new ways to contort so that you will fit into me, like you did when you were inside of me. Sometimes it is painful, but I store each second in my heart, to keep me strong when you turn 16 and ask permission for a tattoo or a piercing and I have to say no and you'll hate me. (Not till you're 18, my darling.)

You nuzzle your head between my breasts and hear my broken heart, whose beats only you have heard from the inside. You will hear it say your name again and again, my precious one. That and "thank you."

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Someone told me that it was unfair to put that much responsibility on you, being my reason to live, to be happy, and for that, I am sorry. But see, you are not my reason to be happy, you are my happiness. There is nothing you can do that will make me unlove you.

In a while, you will wake up and kiss me and ask for a hug and my heart will all but burst. The novelty will never wear off.

You are the light that fends off the Darkness that plagues me. A reminder that, sinful and unworthy as I am, God still loves me. God, in his infinite wisdom, made me your mother. And I am humbled into silence.

Silent, inward sobbing because I was so close -- too close -- to losing you. To losing everything.

I have no more strength to kick the Darkness till it bleeds light. There is no more fight left in me. But I realize you are...

...my light. My Lucia.