Friday, August 31, 2012

Remember

Forgetfulness
(Billy Collins)

The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
which suddenly becomes one you have never read,
never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart. 

How Are You?

I've managed to find some time alone -- or at least managed to get my husband to allow me to be alone for a while. Without really doing so deliberately, I find myself mere meters away from where he knelt down on one knee and offered me my engagement ring.

---

The doctors said it takes about 4 weeks for the meds to fully incorporate themselves into my system. Maybe that's why all I've been feeling is tired (which, ironically, was the exact same state I was in, the one that got me to this...place). Oh, the bliss of remaining in bed forever.

That was all I wanted anyway. Just to sleep.

Every day, the nurses asked about my "thoughts." If they remained the same, if they've somehow shifted from the desire to actually commit to just objectively looking at what had happened as...just that...what had happened. They kept asking me what my plans were. "Anong plano mo pag labas mo?" All the time, every day. I guess it was their way of assessing if I was stable enough to get out.

Truth is, I have no plans. Plans are being made for me.

Everybody is taking care of me, constantly asking me if I'm fine, if I'm all right. As if something magical could happen 5 minutes after being asked the same thing.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the concern. I do, really. It makes me think that what I tried to do was indeed stupid and selfish; that so many people would've been heartbroken. (Oh, Lucia.) But...I hate being asked how I am because bloody hell if I know how I am.

Just that. I don't know how I am. I can't seem to feel anything. (Meds?) Maybe this is good. I'm dead inside.

---
Come feel with me.
---

Feelings are stupid. I don't know if I ever want to feel again. 

---

This morning, Lucia and I played like we used to. She was so happy and I laughed at her silliness. A kind of near-hollow laugh, the kind that fooled my little one enough for her to scream with glee. And in that instant, I decided that my next tattoo would be her name. On my wrist. Only fitting. 

---

Oh, don't worry, I'm all right. I'm okay. (Because I know you're asking how I am.)

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Sunshine

I saw the sun for the first time in two weeks today. I went downstairs (as we are now living in a new condo – the 4th place we’ve lived in since the start of the year) and purposely blinded myself with the sunshine. I was wearing a sweatshirt with the hoodie raised though as I could still feel the cold from the basement, as if it seeped into my bones permanently. I’m always cold now. Those two weeks away from the sun might very well have been an eternity.

I was sedated for the first two days. Dreamless sleep is a gift. After that though, the dreams were all the same. All so painfully hopeful, juxtaposing with reality in ways that made them medicate me even more. All the meds in the world, and I still couldn’t forget. Maybe I just want to forget. Remembering is so painful.

On this, my first day out of the basement, I find myself falling back into the routine that they established down there. I even let my husband do the mouth check after taking my meds. Is it strange that I find comfort in that? And stranger still that, on this, my first day out of the basement, all I want to do is...go back? It was safe there. Clean. And it was okay to be weird, crazy, to have an episode. Down there I was so far away from everything that hurt. And now, all I see are glimpses of what put me in this position in the first place.

All I see is...

I went downstairs to see the sun, but I want to go back to even further down, back to the basement, so I won’t have to remember that the sun continues to shine, even without...that.

They’re trying to cure me of this. Maybe that’s why I can’t see how Some Day can happen anymore. I don’t know anything anymore. I want to wait, but I’m so tired. And it’s only been two weeks.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

/wrist

This is totally the last time I'm doing this Magic 8 Ball thing with my iTunes' shuffle, by the way. Ano ba.


Do What You Have To Do
(Sarah McLachlan)

What ravages of spirit 
Conjured this temptuous rage? 
Created you a monster 
Broken by the rule of love 
And fate has led you through it 
You do what you have to do 
And fate has led you through it 
You do what you have to do
 
And I have the sense to recognize that 
I don't know how to let you go 

Every moment marked 
With apparitions of your soul 
I'm ever swiftly moving 
Trying to escape this desire 
The yearning to be near you 
I do what I have to do 
The yearning to be near you 
I do what I have to do 

But I have the sense to recognize 
That I don't know how to let you go 
I don't know how to let you go 

A glowing ember 
Burning hot and burning slow 
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence 
Of existing for only you 

I know I can't be with you 
I do what I have to do 
I know I can't be with you 
I do what I have to do 

And I have sense to recognize but 
I don't know how to let you go 
I don't know how to let you go 
I don't know how to let you go

Tantrums, Naps, Goodbyes

At church earlier, Lucia had her first, real, public temper tantrum. Indeed, the Terrible Twos are a-comin'. I whisked her away, out of the Crying Room (yes, the irony is not lost on me). When that didn't work, we went up the staircase. That didn't work, so we went downstairs instead. That didn't work, so we went out into the street. That still didn't work, so we calmly got our bags and left. She was still crying bloody hell in the van.

I'd like to think I was relatively calm throughout the whole episode. I just let her cry and sort of waited the whole episode out. The embarrassment that other people said I would feel didn't really settle in. Mostly, I was...jealous. I was jealous that she could have such a fit in public. Sometimes I want to just flail my arms, cry, let the freaking snot flow down my face, and just cry, cry, cry.

And I wanted to cry, right then and there. I didn't know what was happening to me, I didn't know why I was so overwhelmed. I didn't know why this little nugget of heaven would cling to me for comfort when I couldn't find it within myself to just...


Eventually, she did calm down. In fact, right now, I can hear her and the yaya squealing with delight over goodness know's what. She should be taking a nap soon, but I don't know when or how that's going to happen now.

I'd like to take a nap. Sleep for a long, long, long time, and wake up, when all this is over. But I can't sleep. (Eat, move, breathe.)

Oh. Because it's Monday tomorrow. And tomorrow I say goodbye. That's why.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Because.

I've spent the better portion of the evening crying. There. I said it. I've been crying. I've been sad.

Hear that, Universe? I'm acknowledging The Sadness. And raising an angry middle finger.

I am in existential umbrage. I am chugging on the moonshine of the eternally angry. I am kicking the shins of the well-meaning but severely misplaced it'll-be-okays. I am dousing all Hallmarkian notions of happy days, happy times, and happy happies with the gasoline of the runaway car that died in mid police car chase because of an overheated engine, and lighting a match. (Yeah, just a plain match. I don't have to effusively describe every damn thing, do I?)

I am...Sad. Scared. Brokenhearted. Pretending. Tired. Hungry. Numb. Sleepy. Awake. Panicking. Catatonic. Ambivalent. Paranoid. Desperate. Apathetic. Sober. Drunk. Bleeding. Spent. Stricken. Condemned. Judged. Consoled. Pacified. Controlled. Feared. Loved. Misunderstood. Unraveled. Ensconced. Exposed. Hidden.

But...and this is me desperately clinging on to that solitary hope...I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'll be okay. I'll bounce back. I always do. It's what I do.

Because.

...

    ...

        ...

A crimson hot-air balloon will fly in the sky, and my hope shall come back. And by then, I shall have been okay.

(It's just that...right now, at this precise moment, it is very difficult to be happy. And so many people need me to be happy so that they can be happy but...I can't. Please don't ask me to pretend right now. Not right now. Just for a while.)

But it'll come back. And I'll be waiting.


---

It's only for a little while. 
I'm so sorry that I have to go. But it's only for a little while. 
I'll never be too far away anyway. 

And Now We've Landed on Mars

...and found proof that Men don't always come from there! :P

Day Two in My Inability to Verbalize Thoughts. (NB: This "inability" is a lie by the way. I'm just choosing to be reticent for now. Too many thoughts to choose from.)

Anyway, garrulous preamble aside, I really am in a state of funk; verbal constipation. And so, Magic 8 Ball cum iTunes Shuffle, take it away:

If We Can Land A Man On The Moon, Surely I Can Win Your Heart
(Beulah) 

I'll fight
If you want me to fight
I'll laugh
If you want me to laugh
And cancel out the sun
I will I will
You know I surely will

'Cause all you need is a pretty song
If you wanna sing, tell me what you wanna sing
And I'll play
Speed it up or slow it down,
if you want we'll change our sound
We'll play, yeah we'll play
Anything that you want
All we want from you is a word or two.

And even though, we don't show
We cast our nets like missionaries
If we sell out, oh well
Our only fan will be changing costumes

And you'll see it's much the same
so sing our songs
And for applause
We'll get up, get up

If you wanna sing, tell me what you wanna sing
And I'll play
Speed it up or slow it down,
if you want we'll change our sound
We'll play, yeah we'll play
Anything that you want
All we want from you is a word or two.

I been worth a ton
and I've been worth
I don't need you need
The words you write
make my heart race and stop
and just quit

Yeah, we'll do anything
that you want.
Yeah yeah, so please don't go and break our hearts
Yeah yeah...

I'll fight
If you want me to fight...

Thursday, August 9, 2012

And Today's Message From the Universe Is...

First song on shuffle when I woke up this morning.


Through the Backyards
(Au Revoir Simone)

Baby tell me please 
Is this a dream 
Spending the night with you 
Beneath the cherry trees 
Just make a wish and everything comes true 

Out the windows of my bedroom 
Through the backyards of our neighbors 
But I didn't leave you waiting 
There was endless concentration 

Then the moon swept down to greet us 
It was warm and made of flowers 
Into vines that barely reached us 
Climbing higher than forever 

Baby help me please 
In knowing this 
'Cause showing never tells 
Was it just a breeze? 
Was it a kiss? 
Breathless exquisite chills?

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Waves

We wave hello and we wave good bye.

Waves come and then they go.

All this ceaseless coming and going. Sometimes, things just need to stay put. Ah, but stay put where? That is the question I suppose.

---

In front of another ocean yet again. And a storm is coming. Well, a storm just left, and apparently there's another one coming. Because that's how we roll, see. Defiant against inclement weather. The waves are doing a marvelous job frightening me to death. There is no way on God's green earth that I shall be swimming this weekend, thankyouverymuch.

Ugh. The crashing of the waves is usually calming but...All this quiet via repetitious noise is...deafening. I can almost hear the whooshing of the blood in the vessels of my ear. (But they're not loud enough to silence the other noises that I would like to shut up. No more, no more. Please, no more.)

I feel like I had to say so many good byes yesterday, and I am steeling myself to make more of them in the coming days. Well, good-bye-for-nows, mostly. I am but a wave on a stormy ocean.

Waving good bye because eventually, I'll be waving hello. Eventually.

---
...
Don't worry. I'm okay. Mornings are usually difficult, that's all.
I'll be okay.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Chuck(s)

People who know me personally (well, okay, if you’ve been following this blog, you’ll know this, too) know that I am afraid of germs. Not like, "Ooh, they’re monsters, they’re out to get me." More like,

"IF WE DON’T ARM OURSELVES, WE WILL DIE. PAINFULLY."

And so they usually cannot reconcile the fact that I still wear my 16 year old Chucks. I was thinking of posting a picture of what they look like now, but I’m too freaking embarrassed, truth be told. “Ratty” does not even begin to describe what they are at this point. Their original color was black, but it’s now a mottled kind of gray. (Or “grey”. The “e” makes it sound more depressed <--- See how there wasn’t an “a” in that word?) Any writing on it is all but gone. The little thingamajibbits that hold it together have all but crumbled. There is absolutely no traction left on the soles. The only thing keeping it from total dissipation is sheer obstinence. And an adherence to the belief that there is a Higher (Sneaker) Power.

I have had boyfriends who have willingly bought me new sneakers. I would wear said new sneakers for a while only to set them aside eventually. In fact, I have no idea where these sneakers are now. They’ve probably gone to sneaker heaven (with Higher Sneaker Power), blazing a trail for these Chucks whose ship has sailed a looong time ago.

A few years ago (my goodness, I just did the computation...eight years ago...) I ran into an old boyfriend. We were happily updating each other on how our lives had progressed when he suddenly stopped himself. “Hah? Suot mo pa rin yan?” That was five years after we had broken up.

I don’t particularly know why I can’t let go of these Chucks. No. I know precisely why.
  1. Because I bought them for 300 bucks. With my own money. 
  2. Because when I bought them, I was in love with everything Eraserheads, and so when I saw them, I felt like I was totally doing the Eraserheads thing. 
  3. Because I washed them myself. (A long time ago. I failed miserably, I made the water too sudsy.) 
  4. Because I wore them when I took the ACET and the UPCAT and I passed. 
  5. Because I wore them constantly throughout college. 
  6. Because I wore them when I thought it was useless to try to be pretty. (I miss grunge...) 
  7. Because I didn’t have to think about what bag it went with. 
  8. Because they made my boyfriends buy me stuff. (Haha!) 
  9. Because I wore them whenever we were allowed to dress down in school. (Talking about being a teacher now.) 
  10. Because I wore them constantly in grad school. Yes, even in the snow. 
  11. Because I wore them every time I’d cross the equator or state border, and it still felt like I had ties to home, a home, any home. 
  12. Because...they’ve been with me through everything. Every. Single. Thing. 
And now they’re all but dead. I mean, really. They’re good for nothing at this point. Except that it gives me immense joy because of all the memories that come along with them. Because though others have tried to replace them, they're still here with me. Because though others can't see why, I see why.

Because, and here’s a shocker, I have trouble letting go. I really, really, really do.

And I love my Chucks. It's as simple as that.

Eventually, I will have no choice. Or, the choice will be made for me. Right now though, I’d like to hang on to them for just a while longer. Just...until I have no other choice but to let go.