Chuck(s)

People who know me personally (well, okay, if you’ve been following this blog, you’ll know this, too) know that I am afraid of germs. Not like, "Ooh, they’re monsters, they’re out to get me." More like,

"IF WE DON’T ARM OURSELVES, WE WILL DIE. PAINFULLY."

And so they usually cannot reconcile the fact that I still wear my 16 year old Chucks. I was thinking of posting a picture of what they look like now, but I’m too freaking embarrassed, truth be told. “Ratty” does not even begin to describe what they are at this point. Their original color was black, but it’s now a mottled kind of gray. (Or “grey”. The “e” makes it sound more depressed <--- See how there wasn’t an “a” in that word?) Any writing on it is all but gone. The little thingamajibbits that hold it together have all but crumbled. There is absolutely no traction left on the soles. The only thing keeping it from total dissipation is sheer obstinence. And an adherence to the belief that there is a Higher (Sneaker) Power.

I have had boyfriends who have willingly bought me new sneakers. I would wear said new sneakers for a while only to set them aside eventually. In fact, I have no idea where these sneakers are now. They’ve probably gone to sneaker heaven (with Higher Sneaker Power), blazing a trail for these Chucks whose ship has sailed a looong time ago.

A few years ago (my goodness, I just did the computation...eight years ago...) I ran into an old boyfriend. We were happily updating each other on how our lives had progressed when he suddenly stopped himself. “Hah? Suot mo pa rin yan?” That was five years after we had broken up.

I don’t particularly know why I can’t let go of these Chucks. No. I know precisely why.

1. Because I bought them for 300 bucks. With my own money. 
2. Because when I bought them, I was in love with everything Eraserheads, and so when I saw them, I felt like I was totally doing the Eraserheads thing. 
3. Because I washed them myself. (A long time ago. I failed miserably, I made the water too sudsy.) 
4. Because I wore them when I took the ACET and the UPCAT and I passed. 
5. Because I wore them constantly throughout college. 
6. Because I wore them when I thought it was useless to try to be pretty. (I miss grunge...) 
7. Because I didn’t have to think about what bag it went with. 
8. Because they made my boyfriends buy me stuff. (Haha!) 
9. Because I wore them whenever we were allowed to dress down in school. (Talking about being a teacher now.) 
10. Because I wore them constantly in grad school. Yes, even in the snow. 
11. Because I wore them every time I’d cross the equator or state border, and it still felt like I had ties to home, a home, any home. 
12. Because...they’ve been with me through everything. Every. Single. Thing. 

And now they’re all but dead. I mean, really. They’re good for nothing at this point. Except that it gives me immense joy because of all the memories that come along with them. Because though others have tried to replace them, they're still here with me. Because though others can't see why, I see why.

Because, and here’s a shocker, I have trouble letting go. I really, really, really do.

And I love my Chucks. It's as simple as that.

Eventually, I will have no choice. Or, the choice will be made for me. Right now though, I’d like to hang on to them for just a while longer. Just...until I have no other choice but to let go.