Waiting

Saw Tita M again after a long time. I ask myself why I waited this long. I shouldn't have, but there you have it.

It was an emergency, and I thank all things holy that she was available.

Because I feel myself unraveling, slowly coming undone. And I'm grasping at straws -- anything, really -- just to keep afloat, trying my best to separate the fuzzy specters from what is real. Because, really, that's what it feels like right now.

I'm terrified. At myself. At how great this Sadness is this time. At how forcefully it is making its way back into my life. Everything scares me right now. Everything confuses me.

Except for a few things. Those things are clear.

Which is why I'm waiting. Which is why I shall be better. Which is why I will be happy again. I know it.

Because inasmuch as I know that the little things shouldn't be the source of my happiness, the little things make me want to be my own reason to be happy.