I See What You Did There, God

So, the verse that I got yesterday? Picked the same verse today. :)

Pandesal, Pandasal

In school, we have this fishbowl filled with short verses from the Bible. They're called Pandasal (roughly, it means something to help you pray ― oooh, look at me, trying to translate :p). Anybody can come and pick out a colorful piece of paper and have with him/her a snippet from scripture for as long as he/she wants.

Sometimes, I use it like a Magic 8 Ball, picking a piece of paper right after asking a question. Sometimes, I use it like a fortune cookie, looking for a bit of sage advice (or warning?) for the immediate future. This is spiritual laziness masquerading as bare-minimum, nominal Christianity, of course. Ah, but in the busy-ness of life, I often justify this haphazard brush with God's word with the "at least (insert justification)" argument, and all is well.

Due to disgust-of-self, I eventually stopped picking out verses. I thought not doing it at all was better than doing it for the wrong reason. So I stopped. So I inserted yet another at-least-justification.

A few days ago though, I picked up the habit again. I dunno why, but for some reason, I felt a tug. I didn't really have a big question. I didn't really need to know anything about the immediate future (okay, that's a lie...sorry, God...but you know what I mean). I just did, previous wrong reasons be damned. (Er, sorry, God...But is "damn" really a bad word? Shake the Magic 8 Ball...)

Because though we have the wrong reasons for reading scripture, I think God's reason to touch us, in any way he can (be it as banal as being reduced to Magic 8 Ball or fortune cookie status), is never wrong. He has reasons to trump our silly reasons. And when those reasons manifest, it's pretty bad a...AWESOME. It's pretty awesome. (Sorry.)

Amazeballs Manifestation Number One

The verse I got this morning was this:

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple. (Psalm 27:4).

I'm just going to let those who know my situation kinda bob their heads and say, "Oooh, God. I saw what you did there." For those of you who don't know, my apologies. I've become more prudent in my old age. Just know that this verse is fantastically calming and appropriate. Basta, what's important is that I seek to live in the shelter of the Lord first. Stress on "seek." The desire to seek. To seek the desire (Desire with a capital D even!) to live with the Lord. First. Above all else. Above even the desire to finally have a different, er, dwelling situation.

Good God. :'(

Amazeballs Manifestation Number Two

As I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed, I chanced upon a "conversation" of sorts (is that what you call the comments that follow a status update?). A former student of mine picked up another one of these pieces of paper and shared what he had picked. As he was describing what his piece of paper said, he mistakenly referred to it as pandesal, or bread ― the kind that you can buy for very cheap almost anywhere here (but they are sooo good, but I digress). A friend of his corrected the minor error, but I found beauty in the error itself.

Pandasal.

Pandesal.

Prayer. Food.

‎Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst." John 6:35.

There was beauty in the error. There was poignancy. And just as God spoke to me through my wrong reasons, he spoke to me through this unbelievably minor (but major) error.

Oh, God. You do make a habit of making something beautiful out of the flawed. Thank, God. I mean...thank...you. :)

Today was a hard day. But it was a good day. It started pretty badly (much more awful than it has in a while), but I had a bit of good news (in fact, it's fantastic news), and it ended with Lucia falling blissfully asleep in the middle of Good Night, Moon.

And so feebly, in pretty much the haphazard way, I shall pray tonight, not necessarily for anything, but just...

...

Amazeballs Manifestation Number Three

Sigh.

Just...(full stop).

. . o . . 

“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time ― waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God ― it changes me.” ― C.S. Lewis

Goodbye and Thank You, Cynthia

I've always loved Cynthia Alexander. Her songs have the power to transfix me. Musically, she's a cross between a long drink from a quiet brook after a hot and difficult upward trek, and, dark, rich, hot chocolate on a cold night. But more than that (if even possible), her lyrics just draw me in, in, in, in...into a part of me that I didn't even know needed comforting.

Back when I was single, I used to go to Conspiracy along Visayas Avenue (alone), just to watch her. (Also because their pizza tasted so goooooood with beer.) She's not that intimidating to look at, but when she starts singing...oi. Many a time I cried (yes, on my own) because. Well. I needed to, I had to, I was compelled to, because that's what happened when Cynthia lulled the darkness out of me. Hands down, my favorite song of hers is Comfort In Your Strangeness, a song I've used to help me say what I've often had difficulty to fully express what I wanted to say. When she played that, ay, ayan na the tears.

And now she's saying good bye, relocating to Seattle. I wasn't able to watch her gig last Friday because the school had a major event, and I doubt if I'll be able to watch any of her gigs in this Send Off Series* (now that I am married and with a small child), but Cynthia, know that I am sad to see you go.

Here she is, from last week. I love how the crowd sang for her when she was unable to do so. :')




Thank you for being such a comfort to me. And for reminding me to find comfort in Strangeness, in the Absurd (and in the Pink).

"I have seen

I have been

to places far and deep in my mind only to find

comfort in Your strangeness"

----

* Her next shows are this Friday at 70's Bistro along Anonas and then this Saturday at Conspiracy once again. :)

Home

It comes slowly, like cascading raindrops on a downward race to the rubber lining of a car window on a rainy day.

Sometimes the pace is slow, like during a light drizzle. Sometimes, like today, the descent is a bit fast, like during a stormy day. Like today.

Maybe the posted pictures are making it a bit more difficult today. Or maybe it's the day that was (Father's Day was yesterday). Or maybe...

...it's that the past few days were stormy. Cold. Wet. Like early spring in Grand Rapids, when the rains wash away the last bits of snow, when the few brave tulips start making their presence felt.

For reasons known to some, I can't necessarily say that where I am living right now is home. So now, more than ever, when I say "home", I actually mean Grand Rapids. When I was there, I was so busy wanting to go back home, meaning here in Manila, only to realize that unbeknownst to me, I was surreptitiously creating bonds, setting down my roots, such that Grand Rapids has come to mean home to me now.

I can still remember the smells of the trees, the potholes that I needed to avoid as I drove to the nearby D&W, which stoplights to take along on Cherry Street to go to campus.

Of course, "home" is where Chad and Lucia are. "Home" right now then would be our room, our haven in the midst of the toxicity that is the structure in which we currently live.

But home. Home. Capital H, Home...

Who knew I left my heart in Grand Rapids? I certainly didn't. But there it is. At least for today.

------

Happy Father's Day to my two favorite men. 

Papa, you are the first man I ever loved. And though you think you could've done better, I have no doubt that you carried out God's plan for me and my brothers in the best possible way you can. Almost everything I know, I learned from you. I live my life so that you and Mama can be proud of me! :)

And to Chaddy, thank you for being an even better father than I thought you would ever be. You are my and Lucia's rock and we draw strength from you. Thank you for providing for us and for keeping us safe. When you are around, we know that all will be well. Thank you for being my Lord's Intended.

Last Day of Vacation

Banana eating.

Napping.

Cupcake eating.

Tower building.

Wii-ing with Daddy.

Mess making.

Mess clearing.

Mess making (some more).

Learning how to blow bubbles.

Mastering how to blow bubbles.

(Amazing!)

Dancing. And dancing. And dancing.

NB: Original pictures are from Ariane Alingog, from a recent party at their house. :)

Focus!

Must focus on the essential.

School starts tomorrow and things will start to get busy.

Must trust that all will be well even if I leave Lucia behind to work...

...that she won't ruin Lucia's kind heart.

Please, God, when will this end? :(