First Item on the List: Stop Making Lists!

As I lay here, trying to restrict my movements (because Lucia is using me as a pillow), I am taking stock of my surroundings. I smell like milk, baby wipes, Lysol, soap, and my husband's shirt (he left his shirt for Luci to play with while he is at work). I am overwhelmed, exhausted, and eerily calm.

It has been a little over a week since Lucia finally arrived, and life has been overwhelming, to say the least.





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I like lists. I like plans. Before giving birth, I was determined to do the following:

1. Give birth the normal way.
2. Go through labor naturally, without any drugs.
3. Room in with the baby afterwards.
4. Feed my baby purely with breastmilk for at least 6 months.
5. Fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes in 3 months.

Okay. So there. Now you have the context. On to the story.

Two Saturdays ago, we went to see my OB for one last time. I had been experiencing contractions that had become fairly regular, so I knew the time was coming soon. It was late that night though when the pain started coming. And when I say pain, I mean PAIN. I had prepared myself to experience a fair amount of discomfort, but this was pain on a different level.

The next day, my birthday, after not sleeping AT ALL, we left for the hospital.

Upon arriving, it was determined that I had dilated 2-3 centimeters, and yet the pain was out of this world. It felt as if something was slicing through my back. The contractions themselves were bearable, but my back was pure hell. The residents quickly recommended an epidural. I hadn't slept and the pain was making me even more exhausted. They wanted me to have enough strength to push when needed. Frankly, I was too weak to argue and Chad wasn't allowed to be with me at that point, so I gave in to the drugs.

Sigh.

When we got to the Lamaze room, I was fairly okay. The epidural, once loathed, now kept me sane. I was able to sleep once in a while, but when the epi wore off, my goodness, it was terrible. My back felt as if it was being torn apart by a velociraptor. No, really. I didn't understand why it was so painful.

Hours passed and I wasn't dilating fast enough. The epidural was slowing things down, meanwhile, I had another set of drugs that helped me contract and dilate. Chaddy and my mom took turns with me in the delivery room and we were all exhausted.

At around 4 am THE NEXT DAY (yes, epic ito...), I was still at 4 centimeters and the pain was increasing. By then, the epidural could barely numb the pain. I had also developed a fever and my temperature was rising every time they checked it. The doctor said if I didn't dilate in the next hour, they would have to slice me open. I wept because I REALLY didn't want to get a C-section and I thought I was weak for not trying hard enough, that I had failed.

At 5 am, when they checked me again, I had dilated to 5 centimeters! Yay! There was hope for a normal birth! Soon after, in the span of about 5 hours, I had fully dilated and effaced. I was given the go-signal to push. So I pushed. And pushed. And pushed.

But Lucia would not come down the birth canal. At one point, one of the residents used her elbows and pressed her full weight on me to help me push. I felt like a toothpaste tube on the brink of utter ubos-ness (pero in denial ka pa na ubos na sha, tipong ganun...). I think I had been pushing for about an hour with my fever steadily rising when the doctor finally told me to stop and ordered her residents to prep me for CS. The baby just wouldn't come down.

I had to be separated from Chad and I just broke down. I was exhausted and scared and after spending so much of my pregnancy -- my married life! -- with my partner, I was terrified of being alone.

The rest was a blur. The last thing I remember was puking (haha, how glamorous). I woke up what felt like hours after because I heard Lucia crying. I nuzzled her and then went back under the haze of all the drugs that were pumped into me. In the recovery room, my body felt numb, but I couldn't help but smile every time I would think about how my baby was finally out and healthy and alive.

Later on, the doctor told me why it had been so painful and why the CS happened just at the right time. Some time at the start of labor, Lucia had turned and so her head was pressing against my spine. When the doctor opened me up, her face was towards them (she should have been face down). That's why it was so painful and that's why she wouldn't go down the birth canal. Also, when they took her, there was meconium, a sign of fetal distress, so the CS actually saved us from more serious problems.

Since I had a fever during labor, Luci and I developed an infection. We couldn't see each other till the next day, and I wasn't able to room in with her till the day after that. Also, they had to give her formula since I couldn't come see her and she couldn't come see me agad. When I got discharged, she had to stay behind. I felt terrible for missing out on all those hours to bond with her. Oh, that first night back at the house without her was terrible. I was crying the whole night, fearful, guilty, and exhausted.

But! God is good. Luci was supposed to get discharged on Sunday, but she had improved so much that we got her on Friday. My family helped us out with the unexpected costs (Chad and I are eternally grateful!), and Lucia got to spend her first few days with my mom and my grandparents. :)

My breastmilk's flowing, but it doesn't seem to satiate this growing girl's hunger. I had to let go of my guilt at not being able to produce enough milk to satisfy her. Right now, I give her about 8 ounces of formula a day. So much for lists talaga.

My mom and my grandparents left last night and tonight is Chad's first day back at work. Tonight will be the first night that I'll be taking care of her all alone and I'm a little scared. But just going through this writing exercise helped remind me how much God has been with us all throughout this process, and that gives me courage.

So much for the lists I created! :) But in hindsight, I guess that's how it really should be. This is God's way of telling me that HE is in control and that I should just trust in him. Always.

Duly noted. :)

I'd really like to thank everyone for all the prayers and wellwishes. My family gave us such immediate financial help, I am rendered speechless. Mama eagerly volunteered to burp, feed, cook, and everything else in between those first days I could barely walk. Nana and Daddy, great grandparents in every sense of the term, were unquestioning in their financial assistance and support. Papa rounded up the prayer warriors from all over such that people around the world were praying for me.

But mostly, I am grateful for my husband. He is an amazing partner. His kindness and patience and love are unparalleled. I seriously could not have done it without him. He is THE man of our lives, and we are safe with him. :)

So there. I feel and hear her stirring. I am amazed at how much love I have for this little thing. She mesmerizes me; I find it so hard to stop watching her. She also has SUCH a personality already, it's ridiculous. And yes, I am biased, but she is he cutest baby in the world. I am blessed.

So yeah, this birthing experience was nothing like I hoped it would be ("Curses! My plans are foiled!"), but it was an amazing reminder of how things eventually become ever so much better because God is in control.

Oh. There is a consuelo de bobo: I fit into one pair of pre-pregnancy jeans yesterday. :) Haha. At least one of the items on my list got a check. ;)