Her (Italicized)

Lucia, her yaya, and I will be coming to Manila on January 21 to visit Lucia's dad and his family. While there, I intend to visit my own friends, reconnect with them, belatedly celebrate the holidays, and perhaps settle some legal matters while I am there. I am excited to see my friends but...

...I'm also afraid of relapsing into my depression. Now that January's well on its way, I've been having mini bouts of anxiety just thinking about our return. The proximity to all my triggers is filling me with dread. I haven't been able to sleep well these past few days, and last night, I had a full blown nightmare (but no, not a tsunami nightmare again).

I'll miss the sound of the sea that constantly surrounds me. The air. The birdsongs. The flowers. But mostly, I am anxious about having Lucia be with her. I dare not bring myself to see nor speak to her, ever again (unless painfully necessary), but I know it will be unavoidable for my daughter to have to interact with her. And as a mother, I just want to protect Lucia from all that which broke my spirit, and it pains me that I cannot do that in this instance. Oh, I know Lucia is made of sterner stuff and that she at least genuinely loves my daughter (in her way), but...oh, how can I explain this without sounding like an awful human being? I can't, so I won't. I just...really am so anxious over that.

But it's just for a month. It's just for a while. And then we can go back to our beloved sea. I just wish...but no. 

Never mind. Don't mind me. I'm just rambling. Just my racing thoughts, nothing more.