Oi

“We all carry within us places of exile, our crimes, our ravages. Our task is not to unleash them on the world; it is to transform them in ourselves and others.”

―Albert Camus

Today, I shall meet my new shrink.

I’m always filled with dread whenever this happens. I brace myself to tell my story all over again. Should I go chronological? Should I narrate it the same way I let my stories unfold (suffice it to say, that DOESN’T mean it’ll be chronological)? Should I try to remain calm and clinical or should I awkward-giggle my way through the whole recounting (as I am wont to do)?

Also, that story’s pretty darn difficult to live through all over again.

And then after that, I’ll have to go through the scrutiny again—another round of tests, perhaps?—to diagnose me all over again. I’ll wonder if I’ll still be on the same meds or if I’ll have to be on new ones. And then I’ll do the mental math (such a noble term for the frantic ewan-ewan math that goes on inside my mind) to see if I can incorporate those expenses into our daily budget.

And then, there’s the fear of having yet another massive panic attack while waiting, waiting, waiting for the doctor who will be late, panigurado. My obsessive compulsion for being on time (or massively early so that I shan’t be late) will add to the anxiety of being diagnosed all over again and…well, let’s just say the first time I met my last shrink, she wanted to confine me right then and there.

But, oh, don’t mind me. I’m just crashing from the mania that was last night. Went to Geek Fight with some friends, made new friends, (got new clients!), saw a lot of old friends from college, and was able to catch up with dear, old friends. All that hap-hap-happiness last night and then…this rainy, gloomy Saturday morning, anxious and fidgety and ever-so-slightly regretting those yummy gummy bears from last night.

Anyhoo, I’m going to take a nap. Ish. I leave in a few hours to wait for, hmmm, I’m going to say…two hours. Here’s hoping I don’t turn into a violent mess again. I’m a little tired from carrying my place of exile, my crimes, and my ravages. Mostly tired from keeping it all in, stopping myself from unleashing it on to the world.

Perhaps this is a good day to meet my new shrink.

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Update:
4:27 pm

Perhaps not. I napped too long and missed my appointment. Next week it is!