And finally, death.

She was a Parson Russell Terrier, a tiny little thing when we got her. She was so small, she was actually going in and out of my bracelet. We named her Sushi.

A few months into our relationship, Lucia's dad and I bought a dog together. We both loved dogs, and it seemed like the most natural thing to do. I had a hard time conceiving, and so Sushi was really our baby. When I finally got pregnant, we were worried about how she would take it. But she wasn't jealous like we feared. In fact, she was fantastically protective. She would watch over Lucia, sniff Lucia, sleep beside Lucia. When someone other than me or Lucia's dad would come close, Sushi would growl at him/her.

May 2014, doing yoga poses together.

Because of the separation and all that had happened, I had not actually seen Sushi in a long time. The last time I saw Sushi was May last year. Lucia would see her from time to time, when she would go to her dad's place to visit, but that was it.

A few weeks ago, Sushi died. A few days after Christmas.

I didn't know how to write about it, really. It's silly, but I've been refusing to. Or I couldn't. But not because it was sad. It was more because, well, I didn't know how to process it. I accept it, that's for sure. But I don't know how to feel. Does that make sense?

Perhaps it's because she had already been lost to me before she was finally gone?

Lucia cried for a long time after finding out. In the weeks that have passed, she would say, "Sushi is dead." At the most random times. (It hasn't gotten too creepy naman.)

And now I've discovered why some of her toys haven't been part of the usual rotation. Turns out, they're all "dead." They're laid out in small "beds" with little sheets of tissue on them—they look asleep, actually. (And yes, THAT was freaking creepy.)

Hey. At least she's processing it.

The sadness isn't as shattering as it is quieting, though. There is a calm acceptance and...relief? I didn't realize how tiring it was to wait for death in the midst of dying.

2009, upon coming back to the Philippines from grad school in the US.

And, there.

We're not talking about a dog anymore.

...

Our relationship began and ended with Sushi, it would seem.

And there is just relief. Because it was awful towards the end. More awful than I had initially known, as recent events have warranted. Oh, we had our good moments. But that's that. In the end, it was already dead when death finally arrived.

And now, more than ever, there is relief. Shattering relief.

So, now, to the business of living on.

Sleep well, Sushi-ya, Sushi-yana. Sit like a human.