Blessed Be

I haven't written anything in ages, I know. I think this is actually the longest writing hiatus I've ever had, actually. 2016 was a tough year. Nothing like 2012, but it was tough, you know? Of course you know. You're reading this, you've survived the year, too.

But I will not talk about how and why it's been difficult. I have a shrink for that. I still see her regularly and she's given me a new diagnosis, a new set of meds, a new sense of identity. Well, we're working on that last bit, but it's progress.

True to this year's form, a series of unfortunate events almost cancelled Christmas for us. Wanting to salvage the situation, I decided to splurge on a hotel booking for the weekend on a whim, for just the two of us. I've never done anything like this before. Heck, she and I hardly even go to the mall during the weekend. But it's been delightful so far.

And so I find myself here, in a dark and chilly room, warmed by the softest pillows and sheets, cozied by her breath, watching her take her afternoon nap. I used to do this all the time.

I lost so much sleep when she was an infant, but not because she kept waking up. Truth be told, she was a really easy baby to take care of. She was never fussy, never colicky, and when she did cry, all I needed to do was give her my boob. I'd sing a little and then she'd calm down immediately. But I couldn't sleep. All I wanted to do was watch her sleep.

2016 and all its fangs has brought me to this moment. She and I, and all her dreams, as they weave little smiles and frowns upon her face. Blessed be.

This is our first Christmas without Nana, without Iligan. All that is gone now, I will never go back there, I'm almost certain.

This is also our first Christmas alone, just me and her. And all my dreams for her.

Can you believe it? I think I'm happy, though. As punch-drunk as I am because of this year, I am actually happy, inchoate as this joy may be. Dei gratia.

How strange to be so sad and to be so happy at the same time.

Blessed be the name of the Lord, forever. Happy Christmas, everyone. May you all love and be loved.