I've gained weight since a lot of these pictures were taken and I've kept the weight. I don't think I'll be losing it any time soon, not much of it, at least. I started gaining weight when I found a cocktail of medicines that finally worked in treating the bi-polar/depression I have to live with for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I think about the time when I was thin(nish). I basically lived on close to nothing. I was constantly thinking of ways to kill myself. Constantly thinking of ways to punish myself for having survived my attempts.
When I was thin, people used to compliment me all the time. "Payat!" (Like that, in and of itself, was enough of a compliment and not just a fact. Nobody says "Taba!" and means well.) "Hindi ka mukhang nanay!" (Like looking like a mother was a bad thing. Like there was one way to look like a mother.)
I don't get compliments about my looks as often now. That's fine, I suppose. I wouldn't compliment me either. I'd like to work on that, though. But it's hard to feel better about myself if everything and everybody else is so bloody harsh on people who look like teapots like me (short and stout). I can't see properly without my glasses, I have spots and wrinkles on my face. I dress either like a cupcake or the secretaries they make fun of in Mad Men.
But you know what? I'm smart. Like, really smart. Not like genius smart, but, and all apologies to Yogi, I am smarter than the average bear. (And—hurrah!—thinner than most bears.) I've done a lot of great things with this brain, plagued by mental illness though it is.
I'm also kind. At least I try to be kind. Sure, most of the time it's because I'm guilty for being me. But I'm also very empathetic. Ask anyone and they will tell you that I will be here if you need me and I will help you in any way I can. I genuinely like taking care of people. I take care of people all the time, sometimes I think there's something wrong with me. (Joke lang, there's always something wrong with me.)
Oh, and I'm also interesting to look at because I have 18 tattoos. Each one has a story, and I am a great storyteller.
And yaman din lamang na mukha na talaga akong nanay diba, I take my being a mother very seriously. It is the one thing in my life that I CONSTANTLY try to be good at.
And you know what? I'm alive. Each day is a decision to stay alive, and most days it is not an easy decision to make.
So there. I don't know how to end this post. I don't think this is inspiring enough to rouse people into loving themselves with the ferocity of a Nike commercial. (Tutal, wala namang nag-wo-workout sa post na 'to.)
So, instead, here's a picture of a sunset that I got from the Internet. Insert your own inspirational quote na lang.
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