Untalkative Bunny and His Friendly Friend

Anybody else *adore* this show??? :-))

This is for Chaddy, my husband. I might be pink (and absurd) and annoying and I don't shut up, but I'm grateful that he chooses to share his tea with me all the time. Heehee. ;-)

Gulp

It's the end of the week. The weekend is upon us...which is great. But that also means I'll be spending more time with her. God give me strength. I don't know how much more of her negativity I can take. :-(

Halfway There!

So I'm watching the inauguration, but I'm too preoccupied with my daughter right now. :-) Here's a latest sonogram image of our Little Lulu:

If you can't quite see her, take a few steps back (that's what I did). The image is a little grainy e. Her head is on the right side of the screen, directly facing us. Her little hands are framing her face. She's as big as a puppy right now (Chad and I have been raising puppies for years, so that's the best reference I can give, haha!).

Oh my darling, puffalump! I can't wait to meet you! Meanwhile, Aslan*, Daddy, and I are loving you completely from outer-womb. :-)

*We named our daughter after Lucy from C.S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia. I am the biggest geekfan there is, you see ;-). We said that we wanted our Little Luci to have her very own stuffed lion instead of the usual teddy bear so that she can have Aslan beside her all the time. It'll be a good way to let her know how God is also always beside her, watching her and protecting her. :-) Our good friends Jen and Eric Concepcion promptly and most generously got Luci her very own Aslan. :-)

"You Can't Pray Away the Gay"

At least they're having a conversation about it. I wish, I wish, I wish the people around me would be granted the same opportunity.

Oh, How I Heart Thee, Billy Collins

Discussed this beautiful poem in class today. The kids were blown away by the simplicity of the poem -- and how it still managed to be so profound.

Vintage Collins :-). Me, I adore him simply because he's always so KAPOOOW!

The First Dream

The Wind is ghosting around the house tonight
and as I lean against the door of sleep
I begin to think about the first person to dream,
how quiet he must have seemed the next morning

as the others stood around the fire
draped in the skins of animals
talking to each other only in vowels,
for this was long before the invention of consonants.

He might have gone off by himself to sit
on a rock and look into the mist of a lake
as he tried to tell himself what had happened,
how he had gone somewhere without going,

how he had put his arms around the neck
of a beast that the others could touch
only after they had killed it with stones,
how he felt its breath on his bare neck.

Then again, the first dream could have come
to a woman, though she would behave,
I suppose, much the same way,
moving off by herself to be alone near water,

except that the curve of her young shoulders
and the tilt of her downcast head
would make her appear to be terribly alone,
and if you were there to notice this,

you might have gone down as the first person
to ever fall in love with the sadness of another.

-Billy Collins

Let's Talk About Sex Education (Warning: Contains Spoilers on the "Existence" of Santa Claus)

Growing up, I was that kid who told the other kids that Santa Claus didn't exist. I didn't see what the big deal was, especially since, in my mind, Jesus was an even bigger reason to celebrate (and to be "nice" and not "naughty") than Santa. Not believing in Santa did not ruin my childhood, nor did it hinder me from having a vivid imagination. (Hello??? Do you even know me?)

I say this because I wanted to use this as an example of how my parents raised me. They allowed me my creativity, but they also told me enough about reality for me to appreciate imagination even more.

It was the same thing with sex.

Not Just Another Hallmark Day

I thank my heavenly Father for giving me an earthly Father like you. You've done so well, so many others have been blessed by you! And though I've gladly shared you with others, you've always loved us best, without question nor hesitation.

Mama, I'd also like to greet you today because every time Papa was on tour (and being duly shared, hehehe...), you were our Papa. Goodness knows you had a difficult time, but you never made us feel like we were a burden. I love you veryveryvery much.

All my life, Pa, you have always been my measure of a man. And I know that once upon a time, I told you I was never going to leave you (haha, Little Princess kasi e!), but now when I look at my husband, and I see your spirit in him, I realized it was you who never left me.

Happy Father's Day, Papa!!! I love you!!!

Of Mysteries, Absurdities, and Faith

(Thank you to my dearest friend, GP Eleria, for uploading this on YouTube.)

The above song is a recording of the Nordic Chamber Choir's rendition of O Magnum Mysterium (M. Lauridsen). It's technically a responsorial chant, usually sung in Christmas. Roughly translated, it speaks of the glorious mystery of the baby Christ as the animals come to worship him in his manger.

The reason I am posting this right now, at the tail end of a sublimely humid day (but it's drizzling now, so hurrah), is that earlier today, a good friend posted one of my favorite lines of St. Anselm. Since he and I studied him in Filipino, the quote he used was in Filipino. Roughly translated (again) though, the quote says something like this: I thought I should understand you before I could love you, but I needed to love you before I could understand you.

The Light of God's Answer

Chaddy and I knew from the get-go that we wanted to have kids. We started trying soon after the wedding, but we knew it would take some time. For years I've had a bum reproductive system. I won't go into the wonderful details of my ovaries and uterus and whatnot, but suffice it to say, we knew that my pipich reproductive system would have to go through a lot.

Sure enough, it wasn't easy. Month after month, we'd try and then get disappointed. We'd make jokes about it, but really, it was hard. It was especially hard because some well-meaning (oh, who am I kidding, some of them were mean-spirited) people would keep asking when we'd have kids (as if we didn't want any) or (gasp) why we didn't have kids yet. *sigh* I can only speak for myself, but it's a different kind of sadness when you get disappointed, hope again, then get disappointed yet again. My body went through hell, but my heart. Oh, my heart. My heart would break month after month after month.

Exhausted with all the trying and corresponding disappointments, I was ready to quit trying. One of my good friends who also happens to be a ninang gave me some perspective though. She told me to ask myself why I kept at it. She told me to look at Chaddy and our relationship to realize that, "wala namang kulang." Chad and I were perfect as we were, and if we do become blessed with a child, it would be a beautiful addition, and not something to plug in a hole. And it's true, blessings shouldn't be chased. They just come when we least expect it, and, more importantly, when the Lord sees that we are ready to receive it.

So, not that we stopped trying, but Chaddy and I got a bit more perspective. I, for one, ceased being all too rabid about it. I stopped being so hard on myself (well, as much as I could since I'm hard on myself over almost everything...). So when I finally found out I was pregnant, I wept. I wasn't even expecting it to happen. I seriously thought I had an infection of some sort. When the nurse/technician/I dunno said I was pregnant (I had to take a urine test to see if I was sick with anything...or pregnant...), I cried like a cartoon character -- you know, trajectory tears and everything. With hyperventilation. Basta, think of the most melodramatic way a person could possibly cry. That would be me. She panicked for a while, she thought I was devastated and had no one to help me. In the midst of tears and laughter, I told her I was married and I was happy and she didn't have to worry.

The last few weeks have been wonderful. Well, physically, it's been weird. But things are sort of tapering off, and I'm more at peace with all the bodily changes. Several friends have commented on my excitement and how it has been rubbing off on people (one even said that because of my excitement, people are literally getting pregnant around me! Kaboom, goes the Baby Boom...). Well, it's because we've been trying so desperately for almost three years. But also, because we are humbled because the Lord has deemed us ready for such a wonderful blessing.

Her name will be Lucia Eliana. Lucia means "light" and we settled on that name ages ago. (We also have a name for a boy -- I'm telling you, we were trying for a loooong time.) Since it took us this long, we also decided to add a second name, Eliana, which means, "God has answered." And so this beautiful child will be a constant reminder that we are living in the light of God's answer to our prayers.

Five more months and I cannot wait! You all have been splendidly brilliant to us this whole time with your prayers and well wishes. We cannot thank you enough, really. Please continue to pray for us and the other preggo women out there. (What say we stage our own production number ala the pregnant girlettes in Glee? Haha, and what was up with that??? Did you see their ankles? Pregnant my big, fat, widening bumbum...)

So there. What a treat. :-) I'm not even so hung up over getting a ladylike laugh anymore. I'm too happy for that. So I'll end with that, my happy, boisterous, and preposterous cackle. :-)

LOL!!! x)

Next on My To-Do: A Ladylike Laugh.

I've repeatedly prayed for several things all my life. Some of which include the following:

1.    Longer legs.
2.    Bigger boobs.
3.    Three or four inches more in height.
4.    A flatter tummy.
5.    More books.
6.    A monster metabolism.
7.    Perfect eyesight.
8.    A ladylike laugh.
9.    A baby.
10.  The power to pause time.

I've learned to let go of some wishes (like becoming taller), while some wishes have more or less defined my very existence. I've been praying for the grace to let go of some desires so that I can defer to God's plans for me.

Now, I think I have proven that the world operates on reverse psychology...Or God has finally thought I would be ready for this. Well. Let's hope so.

World: It has finally happened. I'm finally pregnant. Gloriously, wonderfully, amazingly pregnant. Now, when someone tells me I got fat, I can say with much aplomb, "It's because I'm pregnant, you ninkampoop!"

Oh, can anything else be more felicitous than this!?!?!

Oh, and by the way, I think God has thrown in #2 just for being a loyal customer. :-) Hurray.

(And now to work on that ladylike laugh...)

On Coming Home

It has been 5 months since I've returned from the US and I still run into people whom I haven't seen since leaving almost 3 years ago. The reactions never really stray from the usual exchange: My friend says, "You're back!" Which leads to the inevitable follow up question, "For how long?" And my response will always be, "For good...or at least for a very long time, depending on what the Lord reveals."

Conrado De Quiros' article today talks about "coming home," how Filipino students who study abroad must respond to the tug to go back home and help the country. I am one of those who studied in the US and came back home to work. I am, to quote De Quiros, "(putting) to good use what (I've) learned for God and country." Edgardo Angara would be proud of me.

According to Angara, (former) students like myself should "feel (we) have the support and commitment of the government." De Quiros goes on to say, however, that that is simply impossible right now, taking our current government into consideration. He he does offer hope though, seeing that PGMA's reign (yes, reign) is about to end (hopefully, barring any massive change in the constitution).

I must say, all this talk about coming back home despite the "insanity" (De Quiros' term) of that decision makes me seem very patriotic and downright awesome. Fact is, however, I came back home for purely selfish reasons. Chaddy and I went home because we wanted to come home. I mean, why on earth not? Well, actually, that's fairly easy to answer. It's easy to leave and stay away, what with the chaotic city life, choking red tape, incredible humidity (that is doing wonders to my hair), disastrous floods, and an idiotic ex president who thinks he can give it another go (well, the idiotic president throne has been vacated by Bush anyway. I mean, which president can the pundits laugh at now? But I digress...).

I suppose, then, the harder question to answer is, "What for?" I say I came back home for the chance to teach again, for the opportunity to help, for me and Chaddy to start a family, for friendship. Angara (and perhaps even De Quiros) would want those who have studied in the States to help the country, but in all honesty, I came back home for me. All political, social, and all-other-al reasons are just a pleasant offshoot of that intrinsically selfish desire to Just. Be. Back. Home. If I seem to be altruistic in my selfish pursuits, then hurrah. But make no mistake, more than anything else, coming back home was really for me.

So I think this is why it's all working out for me. Sure, things are tough and money's tight (I just realized that I've been living off relief goods...and I wasn't even affected by the floods...that's just all we can afford to eat right now, hehehe...), but I am incredibly, massively, disgustingly, paradoxically happy. I could resent being here every time I see another politician spinning the usual bull**** into (fool's) gold, I could curse the high heavens for the deluge that could have made Noah pick up an axe and several logs again, I could feign a heart attack from all the MSG in the instant noodles I eat. But. I don't, because I want to be here. I like it here. No, I love it here.

With respect to De Quiros (whom I shall eternally love) and Angara (whom I will eternally feel iffy about), perhaps instead of drumming up patriotic duty, they should focus on cultivating a love for country. Not just for the students who leave (and not return), but for those who are still here (and thinking of leaving). No amount of duty will trump my love for my country. This is my country. It's a little crappy right now, but it's my crap. And it won't always be crappy. I firmly, sincerely, and ridiculously believe that. It was easy to complain from far away (what am I saying, it's easy to complain here!), but here, I can be part of the solution. But before you think I'm being honorable again, pause, because really, how hard is it to be selfish?

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas, dude.