Um, so this is what it feels like...

I've been living a strange life these past few weeks. I've been reduced to being an Internet lurker, with hardly any chance to write anything substantial. Ugh. Needless to say, nothing really devastating has happened. To me, at least. In fact, aside from the fantastically packed schedule, everything is actually as it should be.

I've got great kids this year. But that's probably because I haven't been teaching for so long and I still miss it. Ask me again in a few months, lol. ;-) So far so good though.

We've finally moved into our new place, but that means I hardly get to see my husband during the week (something to do with his work). At least weekends are doubly awesome for us (except Sunday nights are horrible).

I feel rather strange to be in such a good place after so long. :-) Loving it, though.

Hmmm. So, yeah, I'm okay. We're okay. We're poor, but we're okay, lol :-).

"You've gained weight!" Oh, really? Well, you've lost tact.

I fully appreciate the irony here: I have a blog. There are parts of me that are for public consumption, so I do realize that I set myself up for — hmmm — moments of unwarranted familiarity with some.

For example:

Person: "How's so and so?"
Me thinking: How on earth did they know about that?
Person: "Oh, I read it in your blog!"
Me thinking: Oh.

Moments like that, I do understand. I mean, hey, I wrote about it. But since I'm pretty sure that I write about super private matters privately (or never at all), then I know that when someone out of my sphere of — well — interest asks about something private, it isn't because I offered it willingly through my blog. It is simply because they are being tactless.

What is it about Filipinos that makes them think you owe them some explanation for how you live your life? And I'm not saying offering justifications for, say, illegally crossing the street. I am talking about deeply personal matters that spring from deeply personal reasons that only a handful of people are actually qualified to ask about (and yet they don't...and that's why they're qualified).

Enough hypotheticals. Why do you people (and I'm just angry, and I don't really mean "you" in particular) think it's okay to say, "Uy, tumaba ka!" in lieu of "Hello! How are you? How have you been?"

We haven't seen each other in years and the first thing you would like to say is that I got fat??? Do you even know why I gained weight? Do you even know why it's painful to hear that? Or worse, they ask, "Kelan ba kayo magkaka-baby???" Yes, sure. We were totally not thinking of having children, but since you so sincerely asked for it, hang on a second and let me call my husband so we can start the baby making process, STAT.

Here's the thing: I gained weight because I stopped taking birth control pills. Those pills helped me with my dysmenorrhea for YEARS. The pills regulated my hormones and it helped with the monthly pain — no, torture — that I had to endure. The pills, ironically, also ensured that I will have some measure of fertility upon discontinuing them, because I also have all sorts of reproductive issues. When I stopped taking them (roughly two years ago), I went through all sorts of physical withdrawal. I gained weight, I lost weight, I gained it again. I lost hair. I broke out like you wouldn't believe. I suffered from insomnia. But I endured all that because my husband and I wanted to have a child. And since this is private and available only to select individuals, then you all know by now how painful this particular aspect of our life is to me.

SO EXCUSE ME IF MY OWN PAIN WREAKS HAVOC ON THE IMAGE YOU HAVE OF ME, but seriously, I have more important concerns. And yet, I cannot discount the fact, that every time you ask why I gained weight, or why I don't have children yet, all this — ALL THIS — instantly pierces me to the core. You're not important to me, and so your opinions shouldn't matter...but this is, perhaps, my deepest character flaw. And no matter who you are, if you say it, it will be hurtful.

The funny thing is (and by funny, I mean funny-kill-me-now, not funny-haha-like-a-frikken'-tickled-Elmo), one time I actually took the time to explain why I gained weight, you know what that horrid person said??? "Too much information!!!"

Too much information? Too much frikken' information?!?!?! PRECISELY!!! You want too much information? Dude, I haven't even begun to tell you how bad it is. I swear, I almost turned green and transformed into the most ravishing angry monster you had ever seen.

When you tell me I've gained weight (or when you tell ANYONE they've gained weight), you give me unnecessary information. Isa lang napakalaking DUH ng sinabi mo.

When you ask me why I don't have children yet, YOU ASK TOO MUCH INFORMATION FROM ME! Bakit, close ba tayo? Walang hiya ka!!!

I'm sick of smiling, playing along by saying, "Oo nga e. Hehehe."

Here are the things that I seriously want to say:

1. "Ako? Tumaba? Naku, pasensha na. Hayaan nyo po't di na ako kakain."
2. "Ay talaga? Kasi po kayo pangit pa rin e! Galing! Kasi ako, at least papayat pa, kayo ho, pangit na talaga."
3. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi silahis po asawa ko e."
4. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi silahis po ako."
5. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi mahilig kaming mag-asawa sa silahis."
6. "We have butt-sex." — This one's from Mark and Lu, LOL!
7. "Baog po ako, pasensha na ho. Okay lang po ba yun sa inyo?"
8. "Nanganak na nga ho ako e. Kaso nakita ni Angelina Jolie at Brad Pitt, nakursunadahan, ayun, in-adopt."
9. "Sige lang po, mag-novena kayo para mabuntis ako. Ipagdasal nyo na rin po na tumangkad ako, pumayat ako, yumaman ako, at mawala na sa TV si Willie Revillame."
10. "Sayaw tayo sa Ubando? Pwede bang may glow sticks dun?"
11. "E $^%&;# ka pala e, paki mo???"

Thank God I still have my real friends who don't ask, they just listen. Thank God I have my husband who loves me for exactly who I am (faulty pipes and all). And thank God for some family members who hope and pray but do not impose (I think my parents have mastered this, LOL!).

I had dinner with one of my very good friends who also happens to be our ninang sa kasal the other day, and she told me the most wonderful food for thought: When I look at my self and my husband, wala namang kulang e. We are happy the way we are. We don't have much, but by God, we're happy. Having a child will be dagdag — all other blessings are dagdag — but wala namang kulang sa aming mag-asawa.

I was planning to gain more weight and remain childless as a big f-you to those other people. But as it happens, my body is still adjusting to this heat, so I've lost about ten pounds since moving back. Holding out on the baby thing just might be easier.

*Sigh* So there. F that.

Hello. And so we meet again.

So it's been a full week now. My sweat glands have been resuscitated, my atopic dermatitis (skin asthma) is on overdrive, my sleeping pattern is off (which, ironically, means I'm sleeping and waking up normally since I usually have very bad insomnia), and I've gleefully read four books (I'm now on my fifth).

However, it seems as though, no matter how much I psyched myself for this, I was and am still ill-prepared for the monstrosity that is this humidity. It made me wonder if I ever handled this better — I mean, surely I praised this heat to high heavens but a few months ago. Yes, granted, it was during the height of winter, but still! Was it ever really this bad? I swear, for about five minutes this afternoon, I probably went into a shallow coma. I tried to imagine myself in Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, or at least in Mitchell's Savannah, conjuring up some semi-glamorous scene — me on a rocking chair on a creaky porch drinking heavenly sweet tea. I opened my eyes and realized it was just sticky, rash-y me on a couch that was a wonderfully able conduit of evil-evil heat.

So far, my husband has been driving me around because he is the consummate gentleman — and also because I have since gained a renewed appreciation for, well, being alive. Good grief. After driving in the sleepy streets of Grand Rapids, Manila traffic has rendered me fearful for my life. No, seriously. I still have to look at my husband in complete wonderment because he was able to fall back into the groove of driving here, whereas I have resigned myself to the fact that I shall forever be either a commuter or a passenger.

I miss our GR friends. I miss having access to the Internet 24/7 (this one is particularly hard to get over, LOL!). I miss my favorite bar. I miss my cubicle at work. I miss my co-workers. I miss my family — eating dinner and watching Brian Williams together. I miss our church. I miss going to church with my family. Hoo-weee.

But.

It is glorious to be back home. I wake up in the middle of the night and hear Manila nighttime noises. The all-too-familiar skyline greets me everyday. At any given moment during the day, someone, somewhere, is always laughing. Always. :-) The food is UN-BE-LIEVE-A-BLE. Conversations with old friends belie the more than two years spent apart. Our dog, Sushi, curled up against me and promptly fell asleep after heaving a huge and contented sigh. My husband's aunties were here to visit because my father-in-law passed away, and they are a HOOT! :-) It was great to see my in-laws again. And best of all, it is easier to fall asleep now, because my husband is beside me again.

I've been asked several times why I came home. Which place is better. Would I stay long. Aside from the why I came home part, the rest of the usual questions, I honestly don't know how to answer. Right now, I am on the brink of something great (something about work — I don't want to jinx it, so I won't say anything more than this: Weee!) and I feel like I can't say anything final as of yet. All I know is that right now, I feel like I am where I should be. And good things are about to happen.

And so I'm home. And it's great. :-)

T Minus 34 Hours

It's worth a shot. :-(

Excited and sad, all at the same time.

Click on the image to enlarge. Photo from xkcd.

Separation Anxiety

Today was my last day at work — the first of a series of lasts till I leave in exactly six days.

It feels weird — I am all at once excited, sad, calm, and scared. It's not like I haven't done this before. It's just that, at this precise instance, if I become quiet and still enough, I can almost feel myself growing up. :p

More than anything, I feel grateful for having had the chance to work here. The nonprofit sector will always be in my heart now. *sigh*

And off I go to the next chapter...

Tragedy and Triumph

My father in law passed away peacefully, quietly, and without the pain that nearly defined his bout with cancer. The tragedy is ours -- he shall be so painfully missed -- but I am so happy that he is triumphantly with our Creator now. He is without pain at last. 

Going on a Date with My Moleskin and Whatever's On Tap

I'm one of those people who always carries a journal around (that's why I can never have a small bag -- Where will I keep my moleskin? Where will I keep my fancy-colored pens?) and yes, I do whip it out and write during the most random times (like when I remember something cool, overhear something funny, or think of a nice topic to blog about). When I feel like it's been a while since I last wrote a substantial entry, I go straight to a bar, find a quiet corner, and write. Alone. Yes, I'm one of those ;-). Blogging is a hobby, writing in my journal is a need.

I can usually spot kindred spirits, fellow journal-ists who just want to be left alone -- occasional interruptions by bartenders who offer to get you another beer are welcome though. I can also spot posers. They don't bother me, I just chuckle at them and move along. Everyone needs a shtick. Here's yet another webcomic strip from xkcd to explain what I mean (click on the image to enlarge):

Recent events in my personal life are begging some attention. A tragedy is afoot, and I feel helpless and broken. I just might stop by this new bar I saw before heading home. Not for any lack of attention, but I feel like my journal and I need some alone time again.

I'll do my best not to alienate anyone. :p

Who's Going To Teach?

I LOVE Boston Legal. It is intelligent, hilarious, and everything else that makes me love David E. Kelley. One of our local channels offers three hours of Boston Legal reruns every Tuesday and Wednesday (yay!), so last night, as with most Tuesday nights, I was happily basking in a haze of Boston Legal induced bliss.

One of the episodes made me sit up and pay closer attention though. One of the cases that Shirley Schmidt handled (from Episode 12 from Season 3, entitled "Nuts") was on this preschool teacher who was sued by the parents of one of her students who died because of an allergic reaction to peanuts. Apparently, despite best efforts to prevent any peanut presence in the classroom, one of the students managed to slip in a bite-sized piece of chocolate that had nuts in it. As a result, the kid with the peanut allergy died. At the time of the allergic reaction, the teacher was on her cell phone. Cell phone use was not allowed, but she couldn't help herself from checking up on her father who had surgery. She found out that her father died. She turned her back so she could cry for a brief moment, and the unfortunate incident took place.

Shirley Schmidt, played by Candice Bergen, gave the closing speech in defense of the teacher. As a teacher myself, I was moved by her speech, because it rang true on so many levels. I tried to find if there was a clip available on YouTube but only found the transcript. No matter, it's still awesome. Here's what she said:

"Lawsuits are about allocating burden. For example, we want our cars to be safer, so we hit the manufacturers with a judgment that makes it more cost-effective to install the airbag. The problem here, as Ms. Bixby correctly states, is we have more and more special needs kids going into our public schools, combined with an unprecedented escalation in auto-immune diseases, autism -- the peanut allergy alone has doubled in recent years.

"So, who do we heap this responsibility on? Who else? The teachers. The average annual starting salary for a teacher is $32,000. For that, we ask them to teach, police, provide emotional and social guidance - at some schools, they actually have to clean the toilets. Now, let's throw in healthcare.

"This teacher -- she works 65-hour weeks. In addition to her actual classroom duties, she teaches sex education to the older kids, she teaches a standardized test the school mandates in order to qualify for funding under the No Child Left Behind Act. She spends another ten hours a month meeting with parents. She supervises extra-curricular activities, goes on overnight class trips, cleans and disinfects toys, coaches. She teaches fire drill safety procedures, healthy eating habits, she's certified in CPR, first aid, and food sanitation.

"She's so overextended that when her own father had to undergo a life-threatening medical procedure, she couldn't be at the hospital. So she called on her cell phone to see if he had lived. Which he hadn't. She then turned away from her students, so as not to traumatize them with her grief, which as a teacher she was expected to internalize.

"She has no savings...no house. And today she's being sued because, without her knowledge, one of her students snuck a bite-sized candy bar containing traces of peanut into her classroom. Now she's being publicly blamed for the death of a child whose parents had the means to implement a multitude of safeguards. They implemented none of them except -- a teacher.

"Is it any wonder half our teachers are quitting the profession outright within five years? Never mind who's going to handle the epi pen. Who's going to teach?"
They won the case, but the sad part is that the teacher decided to leave the profession and become a real estate broker. The teacher reasoned -- and boy do I see the irony here -- that there's room for growth in that industry. That episode originally aired on January 16, 2007 -- just a little over two years after that, we are now in an economic quagmire, the likes of which people from my generation have yet experienced.

It really puts my desire to teach in perspective. Recently, I've been thinking of what else I might do other than teach, contemplating on whether or not I am selling myself short by not taking full advantage of the other things I can do (well). This episode was timely, then, because when Shirley asked that last question, I found myself saying, "I will!"

*sigh* Can't wait to go home and do just that.

These Chucks Were Made for Walking

I've had these chucks for as long as I can remember (bought them when I was 15/16). A former boyfriend almost bought me a new pair of sneakers just so I would get rid of these and I promptly gave him the evil eye.

I obstinately wore them throughout the slushy winter season as well, but this early spring weather, chilly-yet-gorgeously-sunny, is working out perfectly for me and my chucks.

.....

I've talked about how much I love the Philippines and how I'm just itching to go back home, but I realized I never really gave Grand Rapids much love. GR is a wonderful city, filled with wonderful people. I spent the first few years of my marriage in GR, met the most amazing friends I could ever wish to have (more on that later), and I was able to study in a very good school. It kinda sucks to leave all the goodness behind, but as I keep telling my friends, better to leave a little sad than to leave too happy -- because it means that my stay here meant something.
Last Friday, while waiting for friends to arrive for dinner, I went around a few blocks downtown. I'm glad I did, because I've always loved the architecture of the buildings. I mostly stuck to the Rosa Parks Circle and tried to capture the most of this beautiful afternoon in downtown GR.

It is unfortunate that GR is so far away from the Philippines though. Sometimes I wish that it was just a simple bus ride away (more importantly, that it would be just as cheap to fly here as it would be if I could just hop on a bus to get here -- if that were at all possible). But I will never be truly far away from my friends here, in the same way I was never truly far away from my friends back home. Life will not quite be the same without my GR friends though. And -- oh boy -- I am going to miss them.

I am torn between wanting to go home right this very second to be with my husband and my in laws (now more than ever) and staying for just a little longer to be with my friends. I truly was not expecting to find friends like these guys, and I am reminded of what happens whenever the Lord takes control of my life. I can't believe we won't be able to see each other as often anymore, I hate that I won't be here for the birth my godchild, it annoys me to death that I won't be here to play pusoy dos with them anymore (haha), and it breaks my heart that we all can't be together and just laugh, dance, scream, and be quiet.

So I'm going to take my chucks and I'm going to walk away from all this to walk towards all of that. Because that's what people do. They move on and live the rest of their lives. Oh, how I hate growing up. :-(

What Kind of Reader Are You?

Teehee. And I thought I'd be a book snob.

What Kind of Reader Are You? Your Result: Dedicated Reader You are always trying to find the time to get back to your book. You are convinced that the world would be a much better place if only everyone read more.
Literate Good Citizen
Obsessive-Compulsive Bookworm
Book Snob
Fad Reader
Non-Reader
What Kind of Reader Are You? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

This Wouldn't Have Happened Had They Been Straight

Got this article from Fridae. So disappointing.

April 1, 2009
Filipino lesbian mother faces deportation from US
By News Editor

A 43-year old woman faces likely deportation to the Philippines on Friday leaving behind her partner of 23 years and two twelve-year-old twin sons who were conceived invitro using her American partner's eggs.

Shirley Tan and her partner Jay Mercado, a naturalised citizen born in the Philippines, were married in San Francisco in 2004 but their marriage was voided among the other 4,000 marriages performed by the city of San Francisco. The California's Supreme Court ruled that Mayor Gavin Newsom overstepped his authority when he ordered city hall officials to begin issuing marriage licenses to gay couples.

Even if it still were in effect, the federal Defense of Marriage Act prevents Mercado from sponsoring her partner of 23 years for immigration. Were the pair a married opposite-sex couple, advocates say, Tan could be legal.

The couple are both the legal parents of their boys who are US citizens. Tan now wears an ankle bracelet assigned by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents who knocked on the front door at 6.30 am on Jan 28 this year, according to media reports.

Immigration Equality released a press statement on Mar 27 highlighting the US’ discriminatory immigration laws saying: "We hope the press will generate US government interest in staying the deportation, and understanding of the need for passage of the Uniting American Families Act to stop the destruction of our families."

Immigration Equality press release:

CALIFORNIA — Immigration Equality today spoke out about a California family that may soon be torn apart. Due to immigration laws that discriminate against lesbian and gay couples, Shirley Tan will likely be deported April 3, separating her from her life partner Jay Mercado, their twelve-year-old twin sons, and Jay's mother, for whom Shirley is the primary caretaker. The deportation will send Shirley back to the Philippines, where she was a victim of extreme violence.

"From the moment my sons were born we have never been apart. It's tearing me apart to have to leave without them," said Shirley.

Unlike married straight Americans, Jay cannot sponsor her life partner for immigration. The Uniting American Families Act (UAFA) would remedy this discrimination against gay and lesbian Americans and allow them to sponsor their partners for immigration. The bill, introduced by Sen. Patrick Leahy in the Senate and Rep. Jerrold Nadler in the House, has 107 additional cosponsors in the Senate and House.

Shirley and Jay are also seeking a private bill from their members of Congress for a stay of deportation, so that they can stay together in the US or have time to make plans to uproot their family and move together to another country.

"Once again a family is on the verge of being torn apart because U.S. immigration laws discriminate against gays and lesbians," said Immigration Equality Policy Director Julie Kruse. "We hope the U.S. government takes immediate steps to keep Shirley and Jay and their children and parents together, and that Congress passes the Uniting American Families Act so the destruction of our families ends."

Rep. Jackie Speier (D-CA-12) and Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), who represent Shirley and Jay in Congress, have cosponsored the Uniting American Families Act.

"Shirley Tan's unacceptable situation is just one example of why Congress must pass immigration equality legislation. The Uniting American Families Act, which I co-sponsored, will allow lesbian and gay Americans to sponsor their permanent partners for residency in the United States," said Rep. Jackie Speier. "In the near term, I am confident that any official who examines the facts in Shirley Tan’s case will come to the conclusion that this hard-working mother of two should not be sent to a country where she has no support network and was the victim of a horrific act of violence."

Victoria Neilson, Immigration Equality's Legal Director, stated, "There may be no options for this family under existing law. How can they explain to their children that the U.S. Government does not consider them a family?"

This week, the White House issued a statement about the Uniting American Families Act, saying "[President Obama] thinks Americans with partners from other countries should not be faced with a painful choice between staying with their partner or staying in their country."

37 thousand couples across the nation face similar circumstances.