Embracing the Unknown

I first fell in love with Narnia when I was about 14. We had a house guest from England who stayed with us for quite a while. When he left, he gave me and my brother books as parting gifts. He gave my brother The Brothers Lionheart (which still remains to be one of his most favorite book of all time—and yes, it's pretty awesome), and me, The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe. After reading that book, I devoured all the other books in the series and have read them hundreds of times since.

Most people know how big a Narnia geek I am. In fact, I'd venture to say that that's the biggest kind of geek I am. There's just something about those books that evolve along with me, each time I read them.

I've talked about this before, and when I brought it up then, it was really more in the context of encouraging my kids to move forward to create a bigger and better world as they graduate from high school. But when I looked back on that story, on that image specifically, something else began to click.

//

Anyone who has followed this blog closely will know about the horror that was 2012 for me. More than the events that took place, I see the real misery of that year being borne from the fact that it was so...dark. I hardly knew what was going on and I was mostly sedated, unable to move away from the darkness of continuous sleep.

(Note: If you don't know the characters or the back story of Narnia, the next part might be a little confusing for you. Perfect! Go read the books now! Hehe.)

The Last Battle is the final book in the Chronicles of Narnia. Unlike the other books, this one is much darker. For one thing, Narnia is a changed place. It has been 2500 years since it was created, a lot of animals no longer speak, and the worst of it all, Aslan has not appeared in ages, leading most Narnians to doubt his existence. In his absence, all sorts of stories come to life.

An ape named Shift and a donkey named Puzzle chance upon some lion skin and Shift, being the "smarter" of the two, tells Puzzle (the "dumber" of the two) to wear the lion skin. Shift tells Puzzle to pretend to be Aslan, and through this pretend-Aslan, Shift ends up getting everything he ever wanted. As his desires expand and deepen, Shift's manipulation widens its territory. To increase their profit, Shift goes into an agreement with the Calormene, the people of the neighboring kingdom. Shift basically sells the Narnians into slavery, and he does so because he makes the Narnians believe that "Aslan" told them to do so. The lie becomes even more complicated when Shift tells the people that Aslan and Tash, the violent god of the Calormene, were one and the same. From being "Aslan", Puzzle then becomes "Tashlan."

After much conflict, the "friends of Narnia" (Digory Kirke, Polly Plummer, Peter Pevensie, Edmund Pevensie, Eustace Scrubb, Lucy Pevensie, and Jill Pole—people from our world) finally appear. But by that time, the situation is already dire.

And then finally, the real Aslan comes. But by the time Aslan arrives, many had already begun to doubt his existence. Aslan then erects a doorway and asks the people to go through. Those who believe in Tash and subscribe to what they think is Tash's doctrine of hate and violence, get scooped up by Tash in the darkness beyond the doorway, never to return. Those who believe in Aslan are brought to this vast emptiness. This darkness.

But instead of fear, this darkness brings something else. In the darkness, the people feel safe. The people are then encouraged to go "further up and further in". In the darkness, they take feeble steps to go deeper into the darkness, just because of the promise behind Aslan's missive. And with each brave step up and in, this new place—New Narnia—expands. Soon enough, they begin to see what they were helping create: rolling hills, fresh flowing water, great trees, beautiful sunlight; all because they trusted Aslan to go "further up and further in" into the darkness.

Meanwhile, one of the Calormene is still outside, on the other side of the doorway. Despite the horrific cries that he heard from his countrymen, he bravely steps inside. And he gets into the New Narnia. He didn't stop believing in Tash, he didn't suddenly begin believing in Aslan, but he is able to get in. Why? Because Aslan saw his heart, that what he did in the name of the god that he knew, he did in truth, he did for good. That young man believed in the existence of Good, and though he worshiped a god who had a different name, he still did what was Good. And Aslan saw that.

This is the illustration that came along with that narrative.

Everything about that chapter in the book speaks to me. Trusting in the darkness. Trusting that my God and his promises are greater than the darkness. Taking feeble, fearful steps into the darkness, and knowing that the more I trust that Voice in the darkness, the further in I allow myself to go into that darkness (and thus, the bigger my New Narnia will be). That people of different faiths can come together and not be separated by the names we call our God.

When I told my friend, a freelance tattoo artist, about this story, about the picture that came along with it, he immediately told me he wanted to work on putting that image on me. And who was I to refuse? :)

So aside from having the privilege of having an incredible artist give me this tattoo, aside from him completely getting the story (and all its many aspects), I was also blessed to have been able to spend 2 1/2 hours with a really good friend of more than a decade. He and I were talking about the many ups and downs we've had in the years we've known each other, and looked at where we are now. We talked about Kierkegaard's "leap of faith", while holding on to the "objective uncertainty" (part of my back piece, now that it's complete), how we've both become kinder to ourselves, to the world around us, and how we're more conscious of our roles in the bigger scheme of things.

I'm very blessed that these tattoos of mine have been "gifts", a physical manifestation of how my friends sympathize with me, empathize with me. Whenever I tell my story, their impulse is to capture my re-emergence with an image, and their art stays with me.

Left shoulder, center, then right shoulder, now completed.

On the right shoulder. This picture doesn't do  the art work justice. There are so many
fine details that just speak of my friend's genius. 

But I also think I'll be done with tattoos for a while (you can heave a sigh of relief now, Mama). It's a way for me to end this chapter of my life; much like how chapters in books end with an illustration. This Manila trip has been so cathartic on so many levels, and these tattoos were part of my process of healing.

When I return to Iligan it will be the start of a new chapter. Maybe of a new book, altogether. :)

Thank you to all my friends who were generous with their offers to tattoo me, who listened to my story, and who still continue to love me despite my brokenness. I love you, all. And I shall miss you dearly.