Onward Ho

I meant to write this earlier, while we were still back at Dalipuga, but we celebrated Nana's birthday and spent the next day panic packing then traveling to Cagayan de Oro. There was hardly any time to write. There was hardly any time to actually be sad.

Lucia, enjoying the playroom in Cagayan de Oro's Centrio Mall.

We spent the night at CDO because our trip to Manila this morning was ridiculously early. As soon as we landed, we got ourselves settled into the hotel. As soon as that happened, I went out to the wild streets of Quezon City to look for a place for me and Lucia. All that on foot. Yup, hit the ground running talaga.

But now that I've showered (and the shower here is HEAVENLY) and snugly in my pajamas (at 4:33 pm, I don't freaking care), I can feel the fatigue. And the sadness.

When we got to Iligan, I was a shadow. I had whittled down to my pre-college weight. (Yeah. Let's take a moment to just kind of embrace that idea. Kasi hanep e.) I was over-medicated, taking medicines in dosages that rendered me out cold for most of the day. And then when I was awake, I felt dead. My brain sounded and felt like the engine room of a ship (just pretend that engine rooms are capable of feeling). Every night, I'd stare across the bay, towards Dapitan, and I'd marvel at the synchronicity: Ganito pala feeling ng pinatapon.

I was sent there so that I could be taken care of, so that people could take care of my daughter when I was too out-of-it to do so by myself. But more than anything, I was sent there so I could recover in a safe place. And that's exactly what happened. I don't think I can ever fully be the person I was before, but that's okay. I'm still getting to know this new me, and I live in hope.

Hamming it up during Nana's birthday party, our last full day at Dalipuga

When I look at myself right now, I can hardly believe that the last six months had started with such sadness. I cannot thank my grandparents, our helpers, and my beloved sea enough. I had hit rock bottom and they were all there to make sure I floated to the surface safe and sound.

But oh, my sea. My beautiful, beautiful, beautiful sea. I will miss you so incredibly. You will always, always, be home. And I shall come back to you as soon as I can.

Our last sunset at Dalipuga.

I am extremely tired right now. I realize I had been going and going and going -- and there is still much to do before I officially start working on Wednesday. But for now, I'm going to be tired. A little sad. A little excited. A little headless chicken-y.

And I'm going to linger on these faces a little longer, the people who nursed me back to health. I hope I don't let them down as I start building my life again.

Till we meet again!

Tata, Manang Taling, Nana, Me, Daddy, Chad, and Lucia. Oh, and Dora.