On Coming Home

It has been 5 months since I've returned from the US and I still run into people whom I haven't seen since leaving almost 3 years ago. The reactions never really stray from the usual exchange: My friend says, "You're back!" Which leads to the inevitable follow up question, "For how long?" And my response will always be, "For good...or at least for a very long time, depending on what the Lord reveals."

Conrado De Quiros' article today talks about "coming home," how Filipino students who study abroad must respond to the tug to go back home and help the country. I am one of those who studied in the US and came back home to work. I am, to quote De Quiros, "(putting) to good use what (I've) learned for God and country." Edgardo Angara would be proud of me.

According to Angara, (former) students like myself should "feel (we) have the support and commitment of the government." De Quiros goes on to say, however, that that is simply impossible right now, taking our current government into consideration. He he does offer hope though, seeing that PGMA's reign (yes, reign) is about to end (hopefully, barring any massive change in the constitution).

I must say, all this talk about coming back home despite the "insanity" (De Quiros' term) of that decision makes me seem very patriotic and downright awesome. Fact is, however, I came back home for purely selfish reasons. Chaddy and I went home because we wanted to come home. I mean, why on earth not? Well, actually, that's fairly easy to answer. It's easy to leave and stay away, what with the chaotic city life, choking red tape, incredible humidity (that is doing wonders to my hair), disastrous floods, and an idiotic ex president who thinks he can give it another go (well, the idiotic president throne has been vacated by Bush anyway. I mean, which president can the pundits laugh at now? But I digress...).

I suppose, then, the harder question to answer is, "What for?" I say I came back home for the chance to teach again, for the opportunity to help, for me and Chaddy to start a family, for friendship. Angara (and perhaps even De Quiros) would want those who have studied in the States to help the country, but in all honesty, I came back home for me. All political, social, and all-other-al reasons are just a pleasant offshoot of that intrinsically selfish desire to Just. Be. Back. Home. If I seem to be altruistic in my selfish pursuits, then hurrah. But make no mistake, more than anything else, coming back home was really for me.

So I think this is why it's all working out for me. Sure, things are tough and money's tight (I just realized that I've been living off relief goods...and I wasn't even affected by the floods...that's just all we can afford to eat right now, hehehe...), but I am incredibly, massively, disgustingly, paradoxically happy. I could resent being here every time I see another politician spinning the usual bull**** into (fool's) gold, I could curse the high heavens for the deluge that could have made Noah pick up an axe and several logs again, I could feign a heart attack from all the MSG in the instant noodles I eat. But. I don't, because I want to be here. I like it here. No, I love it here.

With respect to De Quiros (whom I shall eternally love) and Angara (whom I will eternally feel iffy about), perhaps instead of drumming up patriotic duty, they should focus on cultivating a love for country. Not just for the students who leave (and not return), but for those who are still here (and thinking of leaving). No amount of duty will trump my love for my country. This is my country. It's a little crappy right now, but it's my crap. And it won't always be crappy. I firmly, sincerely, and ridiculously believe that. It was easy to complain from far away (what am I saying, it's easy to complain here!), but here, I can be part of the solution. But before you think I'm being honorable again, pause, because really, how hard is it to be selfish?

Mabuhay ang Pilipinas, dude.

Personal Odysseys

As part of our discussion of The Odyssey, I asked my students to write about their own personal odysseys, to reflect on significant events in their lives that helped shape who they are today. There are the usual stories: first heartbreak helped them be more careful with relationships, first attempt at a team sport allowed them to be more appreciative of others, first failing grade made them determined to do better in school...

...and then there are those that broke my heart.

One student, upon the death of a beloved aunt has become agnostic, he now hates God (although, I told him that technically, he isn't an agnostic, "just" angry at God...which is, in light of the situation, a little comforting, because I know that there is hope for him yet). He blames God for taking away his aunt far too soon.

One student, knows that he is capable of great things (he is) but is burdened by an overwhelming sense of ennui (my word, not his, haha...) and he feels trapped.

One student, hates himself. His mother was supposed to pick him up from school one day and was gunned down. A case of mistaken identity. He blames himself.

One student, saw his father die from a heart attack in front of his very eyes. He is struggling with the grieving process and he resorts to hurting himself instead of burdening his mother with his grief.

I have a (not so) baby (anymore) brother who is the same age as my students, and I can't help but wonder if he, too, goes through bouts of self-hate. I offer a silent prayer of thanks that he is safe, that our parents are still around, and that he is, amazingly, a really good person through and through. And then I think about who I was when I was 15/16 and I shudder. Ugh. Thank God my parents stuck by me.

It is times like this that I feel so utterly useless - and yet I am inexplicably happy that I am where I am. What platitudes can I offer? What could I possibly do to make things better? (And from an icky teacher standpoint - how could I possibly be objective enough to give him a proper grade?) But I am happy that I am here where I can make a difference, no matter how minuscule.

For those of you who can, go stop doing whatever it is that you are doing and hug your parents. Hug your loved ones. Let them know they are loved. And pray for my kids. Pray that they find what God has in store for them.

*Sigh*

And now we go back to reality in 5, 4, 3...

"Anya ti nagan mo?"

I know. How cool is that?!?

Went to La Union to visit my husband's distant relatives.

The views were spectacular, but the local children were even more awesome. :-)

Um, so this is what it feels like...

I've been living a strange life these past few weeks. I've been reduced to being an Internet lurker, with hardly any chance to write anything substantial. Ugh. Needless to say, nothing really devastating has happened. To me, at least. In fact, aside from the fantastically packed schedule, everything is actually as it should be.

I've got great kids this year. But that's probably because I haven't been teaching for so long and I still miss it. Ask me again in a few months, lol. ;-) So far so good though.

We've finally moved into our new place, but that means I hardly get to see my husband during the week (something to do with his work). At least weekends are doubly awesome for us (except Sunday nights are horrible).

I feel rather strange to be in such a good place after so long. :-) Loving it, though.

Hmmm. So, yeah, I'm okay. We're okay. We're poor, but we're okay, lol :-).

"You've gained weight!" Oh, really? Well, you've lost tact.

I fully appreciate the irony here: I have a blog. There are parts of me that are for public consumption, so I do realize that I set myself up for — hmmm — moments of unwarranted familiarity with some.

For example:

Person: "How's so and so?"
Me thinking: How on earth did they know about that?
Person: "Oh, I read it in your blog!"
Me thinking: Oh.

Moments like that, I do understand. I mean, hey, I wrote about it. But since I'm pretty sure that I write about super private matters privately (or never at all), then I know that when someone out of my sphere of — well — interest asks about something private, it isn't because I offered it willingly through my blog. It is simply because they are being tactless.

What is it about Filipinos that makes them think you owe them some explanation for how you live your life? And I'm not saying offering justifications for, say, illegally crossing the street. I am talking about deeply personal matters that spring from deeply personal reasons that only a handful of people are actually qualified to ask about (and yet they don't...and that's why they're qualified).

Enough hypotheticals. Why do you people (and I'm just angry, and I don't really mean "you" in particular) think it's okay to say, "Uy, tumaba ka!" in lieu of "Hello! How are you? How have you been?"

We haven't seen each other in years and the first thing you would like to say is that I got fat??? Do you even know why I gained weight? Do you even know why it's painful to hear that? Or worse, they ask, "Kelan ba kayo magkaka-baby???" Yes, sure. We were totally not thinking of having children, but since you so sincerely asked for it, hang on a second and let me call my husband so we can start the baby making process, STAT.

Here's the thing: I gained weight because I stopped taking birth control pills. Those pills helped me with my dysmenorrhea for YEARS. The pills regulated my hormones and it helped with the monthly pain — no, torture — that I had to endure. The pills, ironically, also ensured that I will have some measure of fertility upon discontinuing them, because I also have all sorts of reproductive issues. When I stopped taking them (roughly two years ago), I went through all sorts of physical withdrawal. I gained weight, I lost weight, I gained it again. I lost hair. I broke out like you wouldn't believe. I suffered from insomnia. But I endured all that because my husband and I wanted to have a child. And since this is private and available only to select individuals, then you all know by now how painful this particular aspect of our life is to me.

SO EXCUSE ME IF MY OWN PAIN WREAKS HAVOC ON THE IMAGE YOU HAVE OF ME, but seriously, I have more important concerns. And yet, I cannot discount the fact, that every time you ask why I gained weight, or why I don't have children yet, all this — ALL THIS — instantly pierces me to the core. You're not important to me, and so your opinions shouldn't matter...but this is, perhaps, my deepest character flaw. And no matter who you are, if you say it, it will be hurtful.

The funny thing is (and by funny, I mean funny-kill-me-now, not funny-haha-like-a-frikken'-tickled-Elmo), one time I actually took the time to explain why I gained weight, you know what that horrid person said??? "Too much information!!!"

Too much information? Too much frikken' information?!?!?! PRECISELY!!! You want too much information? Dude, I haven't even begun to tell you how bad it is. I swear, I almost turned green and transformed into the most ravishing angry monster you had ever seen.

When you tell me I've gained weight (or when you tell ANYONE they've gained weight), you give me unnecessary information. Isa lang napakalaking DUH ng sinabi mo.

When you ask me why I don't have children yet, YOU ASK TOO MUCH INFORMATION FROM ME! Bakit, close ba tayo? Walang hiya ka!!!

I'm sick of smiling, playing along by saying, "Oo nga e. Hehehe."

Here are the things that I seriously want to say:

1. "Ako? Tumaba? Naku, pasensha na. Hayaan nyo po't di na ako kakain."
2. "Ay talaga? Kasi po kayo pangit pa rin e! Galing! Kasi ako, at least papayat pa, kayo ho, pangit na talaga."
3. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi silahis po asawa ko e."
4. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi silahis po ako."
5. "Hindi po talaga ako mabubuntis kasi mahilig kaming mag-asawa sa silahis."
6. "We have butt-sex." — This one's from Mark and Lu, LOL!
7. "Baog po ako, pasensha na ho. Okay lang po ba yun sa inyo?"
8. "Nanganak na nga ho ako e. Kaso nakita ni Angelina Jolie at Brad Pitt, nakursunadahan, ayun, in-adopt."
9. "Sige lang po, mag-novena kayo para mabuntis ako. Ipagdasal nyo na rin po na tumangkad ako, pumayat ako, yumaman ako, at mawala na sa TV si Willie Revillame."
10. "Sayaw tayo sa Ubando? Pwede bang may glow sticks dun?"
11. "E $^%&;# ka pala e, paki mo???"

Thank God I still have my real friends who don't ask, they just listen. Thank God I have my husband who loves me for exactly who I am (faulty pipes and all). And thank God for some family members who hope and pray but do not impose (I think my parents have mastered this, LOL!).

I had dinner with one of my very good friends who also happens to be our ninang sa kasal the other day, and she told me the most wonderful food for thought: When I look at my self and my husband, wala namang kulang e. We are happy the way we are. We don't have much, but by God, we're happy. Having a child will be dagdag — all other blessings are dagdag — but wala namang kulang sa aming mag-asawa.

I was planning to gain more weight and remain childless as a big f-you to those other people. But as it happens, my body is still adjusting to this heat, so I've lost about ten pounds since moving back. Holding out on the baby thing just might be easier.

*Sigh* So there. F that.

Hello. And so we meet again.

So it's been a full week now. My sweat glands have been resuscitated, my atopic dermatitis (skin asthma) is on overdrive, my sleeping pattern is off (which, ironically, means I'm sleeping and waking up normally since I usually have very bad insomnia), and I've gleefully read four books (I'm now on my fifth).

However, it seems as though, no matter how much I psyched myself for this, I was and am still ill-prepared for the monstrosity that is this humidity. It made me wonder if I ever handled this better — I mean, surely I praised this heat to high heavens but a few months ago. Yes, granted, it was during the height of winter, but still! Was it ever really this bad? I swear, for about five minutes this afternoon, I probably went into a shallow coma. I tried to imagine myself in Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, or at least in Mitchell's Savannah, conjuring up some semi-glamorous scene — me on a rocking chair on a creaky porch drinking heavenly sweet tea. I opened my eyes and realized it was just sticky, rash-y me on a couch that was a wonderfully able conduit of evil-evil heat.

So far, my husband has been driving me around because he is the consummate gentleman — and also because I have since gained a renewed appreciation for, well, being alive. Good grief. After driving in the sleepy streets of Grand Rapids, Manila traffic has rendered me fearful for my life. No, seriously. I still have to look at my husband in complete wonderment because he was able to fall back into the groove of driving here, whereas I have resigned myself to the fact that I shall forever be either a commuter or a passenger.

I miss our GR friends. I miss having access to the Internet 24/7 (this one is particularly hard to get over, LOL!). I miss my favorite bar. I miss my cubicle at work. I miss my co-workers. I miss my family — eating dinner and watching Brian Williams together. I miss our church. I miss going to church with my family. Hoo-weee.

But.

It is glorious to be back home. I wake up in the middle of the night and hear Manila nighttime noises. The all-too-familiar skyline greets me everyday. At any given moment during the day, someone, somewhere, is always laughing. Always. :-) The food is UN-BE-LIEVE-A-BLE. Conversations with old friends belie the more than two years spent apart. Our dog, Sushi, curled up against me and promptly fell asleep after heaving a huge and contented sigh. My husband's aunties were here to visit because my father-in-law passed away, and they are a HOOT! :-) It was great to see my in-laws again. And best of all, it is easier to fall asleep now, because my husband is beside me again.

I've been asked several times why I came home. Which place is better. Would I stay long. Aside from the why I came home part, the rest of the usual questions, I honestly don't know how to answer. Right now, I am on the brink of something great (something about work — I don't want to jinx it, so I won't say anything more than this: Weee!) and I feel like I can't say anything final as of yet. All I know is that right now, I feel like I am where I should be. And good things are about to happen.

And so I'm home. And it's great. :-)

T Minus 34 Hours

It's worth a shot. :-(

Excited and sad, all at the same time.

Click on the image to enlarge. Photo from xkcd.

Separation Anxiety

Today was my last day at work — the first of a series of lasts till I leave in exactly six days.

It feels weird — I am all at once excited, sad, calm, and scared. It's not like I haven't done this before. It's just that, at this precise instance, if I become quiet and still enough, I can almost feel myself growing up. :p

More than anything, I feel grateful for having had the chance to work here. The nonprofit sector will always be in my heart now. *sigh*

And off I go to the next chapter...

Tragedy and Triumph

My father in law passed away peacefully, quietly, and without the pain that nearly defined his bout with cancer. The tragedy is ours -- he shall be so painfully missed -- but I am so happy that he is triumphantly with our Creator now. He is without pain at last. 

Going on a Date with My Moleskin and Whatever's On Tap

I'm one of those people who always carries a journal around (that's why I can never have a small bag -- Where will I keep my moleskin? Where will I keep my fancy-colored pens?) and yes, I do whip it out and write during the most random times (like when I remember something cool, overhear something funny, or think of a nice topic to blog about). When I feel like it's been a while since I last wrote a substantial entry, I go straight to a bar, find a quiet corner, and write. Alone. Yes, I'm one of those ;-). Blogging is a hobby, writing in my journal is a need.

I can usually spot kindred spirits, fellow journal-ists who just want to be left alone -- occasional interruptions by bartenders who offer to get you another beer are welcome though. I can also spot posers. They don't bother me, I just chuckle at them and move along. Everyone needs a shtick. Here's yet another webcomic strip from xkcd to explain what I mean (click on the image to enlarge):

Recent events in my personal life are begging some attention. A tragedy is afoot, and I feel helpless and broken. I just might stop by this new bar I saw before heading home. Not for any lack of attention, but I feel like my journal and I need some alone time again.

I'll do my best not to alienate anyone. :p

Who's Going To Teach?

I LOVE Boston Legal. It is intelligent, hilarious, and everything else that makes me love David E. Kelley. One of our local channels offers three hours of Boston Legal reruns every Tuesday and Wednesday (yay!), so last night, as with most Tuesday nights, I was happily basking in a haze of Boston Legal induced bliss.

One of the episodes made me sit up and pay closer attention though. One of the cases that Shirley Schmidt handled (from Episode 12 from Season 3, entitled "Nuts") was on this preschool teacher who was sued by the parents of one of her students who died because of an allergic reaction to peanuts. Apparently, despite best efforts to prevent any peanut presence in the classroom, one of the students managed to slip in a bite-sized piece of chocolate that had nuts in it. As a result, the kid with the peanut allergy died. At the time of the allergic reaction, the teacher was on her cell phone. Cell phone use was not allowed, but she couldn't help herself from checking up on her father who had surgery. She found out that her father died. She turned her back so she could cry for a brief moment, and the unfortunate incident took place.

Shirley Schmidt, played by Candice Bergen, gave the closing speech in defense of the teacher. As a teacher myself, I was moved by her speech, because it rang true on so many levels. I tried to find if there was a clip available on YouTube but only found the transcript. No matter, it's still awesome. Here's what she said:

"Lawsuits are about allocating burden. For example, we want our cars to be safer, so we hit the manufacturers with a judgment that makes it more cost-effective to install the airbag. The problem here, as Ms. Bixby correctly states, is we have more and more special needs kids going into our public schools, combined with an unprecedented escalation in auto-immune diseases, autism -- the peanut allergy alone has doubled in recent years.

"So, who do we heap this responsibility on? Who else? The teachers. The average annual starting salary for a teacher is $32,000. For that, we ask them to teach, police, provide emotional and social guidance - at some schools, they actually have to clean the toilets. Now, let's throw in healthcare.

"This teacher -- she works 65-hour weeks. In addition to her actual classroom duties, she teaches sex education to the older kids, she teaches a standardized test the school mandates in order to qualify for funding under the No Child Left Behind Act. She spends another ten hours a month meeting with parents. She supervises extra-curricular activities, goes on overnight class trips, cleans and disinfects toys, coaches. She teaches fire drill safety procedures, healthy eating habits, she's certified in CPR, first aid, and food sanitation.

"She's so overextended that when her own father had to undergo a life-threatening medical procedure, she couldn't be at the hospital. So she called on her cell phone to see if he had lived. Which he hadn't. She then turned away from her students, so as not to traumatize them with her grief, which as a teacher she was expected to internalize.

"She has no savings...no house. And today she's being sued because, without her knowledge, one of her students snuck a bite-sized candy bar containing traces of peanut into her classroom. Now she's being publicly blamed for the death of a child whose parents had the means to implement a multitude of safeguards. They implemented none of them except -- a teacher.

"Is it any wonder half our teachers are quitting the profession outright within five years? Never mind who's going to handle the epi pen. Who's going to teach?"
They won the case, but the sad part is that the teacher decided to leave the profession and become a real estate broker. The teacher reasoned -- and boy do I see the irony here -- that there's room for growth in that industry. That episode originally aired on January 16, 2007 -- just a little over two years after that, we are now in an economic quagmire, the likes of which people from my generation have yet experienced.

It really puts my desire to teach in perspective. Recently, I've been thinking of what else I might do other than teach, contemplating on whether or not I am selling myself short by not taking full advantage of the other things I can do (well). This episode was timely, then, because when Shirley asked that last question, I found myself saying, "I will!"

*sigh* Can't wait to go home and do just that.