Basta

The past few days have weighed heavy in my mind and in my heart. Certain things took place and they have discouraged me to the core. I mean, I've never been this disheartened before in my life.

Without having to go into the details (and you'll know why I have to do so in a few seconds...), I was basically told to shut up. Not completely, mind you, just on, oooh, you know, stuff that matter to me a whole lot. Yun lang naman.

My initial response was shock because I had hoped that it would never have to come to that, but there it was. Sadly, my usual recourse could offer no help for it was expressly forbidden from me.

Oh, dear friends who know me well, can you imagine how utterly difficult that was for me?

But enough of wallowing. Enough of sadness. Enough of SILENCE. I will not allow you (and yes, I am pointing both the hypothetical and the dirty finger at the not-so-hypothetical "you") to tear me down.

Available as a sticker at Red Bubble. Order here.

You made me doubt myself. Shame on you. But if I will not let your narrow mindedness deter me from my personal mission.

I've come to a decision. I'm staying. And I will not be silenced. I shall...hmmm... re-package. But I shall not be silenced.

DO YOU HEAR ME? I. WILL. NOT. BE. SILENCED.

Bakit? Basta.

Enough. Basta.

Because Silence IS Saying Something

Image from here.

Because I don't know what to say?

No.

Because I don't know how to say it?

No.

Because there's nothing I want to say?

NO.

It is simply because...I am biding my time and I am looking for the best way to say it. To process the enormity of my Rage. Disappointment. Sadness. Disgust.

Because I am too busy getting therapy via my daughter's smiles and my husband's all encompassing love and understanding.

Because at the end of the day, that's all that matters. And I have it. And I am blessed by it. And I am reminding myself that I am more than what I do not say.

Because silence IS saying something.

Manny

So obviously, I’ve been back at work. As a result, I haven’t been able to update much. Thankfully, since the time I went back to work, we’ve had help at home. The sister of our nanny came in the week before he did and helped us out. She was wonderful and though she only spent a few days with us, I miss her already.

Late Friday afternoon, we picked up our actual nanny from the airport. I personally have high expectations since his sister was a dream. He was pretty shy and reserved at first. This is his first time away from home, so I can imagine how daunting the city was to him. He only had a few minutes to actually catch his breath though since we went straight to Bataan. Our best friends from Grand Rapids had flown in for a visit, and they were based there this weekend. So off we went on another adventure.

Our “manny” – since he’s a male nanny – was very friendly and very willing to help out. It was refreshing to have help and to actually be able to sit down and enjoy a meal with both hands, something I haven’t been able to do with Lucia in so long. The weekend was precious since we got to spend time with our friends and their children. Watching our kids interact with each other was really my favorite part.

The weekend could have been perfect except for one little hiccup. Well, it was more like a stenchy, truck driver-esque belch.

Early Saturday morning, “Manny” brought Lucia outside to the garden so that she could bask in the morning sun and I could eat breakfast. As I was preparing my coffee, someone approached me and chastised me for having a manny. Well, to be specific: she was angry at me not because he was male but because he was gay. It took me a good two seconds to realize that she wasn’t joking, that she was actually, rudely, letting me know I was a fool and a bad mother to have him near my child. As soon as I was able to find my breath, I calmly (as best as I could) told her that the fact that he was gay had no bearing in our decision to hire him and that it didn’t matter to me nor my husband.

Here’s a short snippet of what had happened (although the entire conversation couldn’t have lasted more than ten seconds). The exchange happened in Filipino and I shall provide a translation, but that’ll take away from the passive aggressive venom of the short exchange:

Person: Bakit mo naman hinahayaang ganun ang mag-alaga ng anak mo? (Why are you letting someone like that take care of your child?)
Me: Hindi naman po kasi issue sa amin yun. (It’s not an issue with us.)
Person: Dito kasi hindi pwede yun. Dapat hindi rin pwede sa inyo. (Here, that sort of thing should not be so. It shouldn’t be with you either.)
Me: Iba lang siguro kami. (I guess we’re just different.)
Person: Oo, iba. At mali. (Yes, you’re different. And wrong.)

The conversation ended there not because I wanted to remain respectful. I was just too flabbergasted at the brazenness of her bigotry. I had never before met her in my life and I was a guest. I’m trying to recall what had happened, and I’m still emotionally paralyzed because there are too many emotions battling for first place. I don’t know whether I should be angry, sad, or disgusted more.

When I told people that we finally found a yaya and that he happened to be gay, I got different reactions. Some people offered congratulations at finally having found one. Some found it providential (for many reasons). My parents thought it would be good for Lucia so that she’d grow up knowing and appreciating the different kinds of people in the world. But I also had my fair share of negative reactions.

Initially, I thought the reaction I got from, er, her was bad. (She said that it would be bad for Lucia to grow up with a gay person because, among many other caveats, he might molest her. I’m not even going to discuss how ridiculous and awful that was, but then, that’s who she is). On some level though, what happened last weekend was worse. I mean, she has always been like that anyway, so I wasn’t really surprised. But this stranger was exactly that. A stranger! I mean, I knew I’d be confronted with all sorts of questions once people find out about our gay yaya, but I didn’t realize I’d be thrust into the face of bigotry that soon. And that harshly.

And you know what? “Manny” is actually really good! I had the chance to spend the whole day with him today, and he’s very hard working and Lucia likes him! So there!

I didn’t realize that my taking on a manny will have an activist undertone, but it seems as though it will. But I’m glad I have a gay yaya, if only to show the world that such an attempt at homogeneity will make us all better individuals.

Bah. At least I won’t ever have to see strangers like that anymore. The other person, I will have to deal with for the rest of my life though. But frankly, and sadly, in the list of horrible things I have to deal with in co-existing with her, this isn’t the worst. But I must stock up on emotional, intestinal, and – I don’t have them but just for good measure – testicular fortitude even more now.

S I G H

Download this poster for free here.

Tina Fey's Prayer for Her Daughter

Hahahaha! Love, love, love Tina Fey. :

Here's a poem she made for her daughter. I believe this is an excerpt from her book Bossypants. (Read more about it here.)

Well, since I have several tattoos and a nose piercing, I wouldn't really mind the tattoos (she just has to wait till she's 18). Hehe. Otherwise, I can totally relate. :)

Pause

There are easy days and there are hard days and then there are are-you-freakin-kidding-me days. Today was somewhere in the latter’s vicinity. The days are definitely getting longer and more humid and Lucia doesn’t take too kindly on these two developments. Well, neither do I, come to think of it. Her throat’s getting better, I think, but her medicine makes her hyper for about an hour or so and when she crashes, she gets really cranky. She doesn’t like her new cereal, too, so it’s been really difficult feeding her.

But there are moments in the midst of the difficult day when she gets really playful (probably riding the hyper high of Ventolin) and I am rewarded with these goofy moments.

Nurse Mom

The past few days have been pretty full. Last weekend, Lucia attended her first formal event. Chad’s friends from college got married and he was one of the secondary sponsors. Little Lucia was just adorable. :) People would actually stop and stare at her. Well, I don’t really blame them. ;)

You can't see it here, but we were actually
wearing the same colors. ;) Deliberate, of course.

The next day, Lucia had dinner with her ninangs. It was a simple, intimate, and free flowing gathering with my favorite people in the world. (A local celebrity was in the restaurant along with us and she actually approached me and had a conversation with me because of the baby wrap I was using. Haha!)

Oi, but the next day, she started showing signs of uneasiness. She started coughing a little...and then more...until she sounded like she was hoarse. After that, she refused to eat her mush. That night, as she was sleeping, she would wake up in a coughing fit, as if to catch her breath. We went to the ER the next day to get her nebulized. We went to her actual pedia this morning, and he said Lucia has a viral throat infection. To make matters worse, Chad caught the same virus, and now his throat’s down as well. (Meanwhile, my throat’s just a little scratchy, but I’m otherwise fine. For now!)

Chad was ordered to stay home for a few days, so I guess I’m going to have to be Nurse Mom for a few days. Not that I mind. I kinda like that all my chickens are in my coop, at least for a few days. :) My month-long vacation will be coming to a close soon, and I’m hoping to get the most out of it.

Thank you to Ninang Joepi for the last two pictures!

Bling-Bling

Another milestone for our plucky duck! :)

This morning, we went to the pediatrician for another well baby visit for today marks her 5th month. (Hurray! Fanfare!) She got another Hepatitis B vaccine and then we went to the pedia next door to get her ears pierced.

Bah.

I am so glad he didn't listen to those so-called advisers. Ugh. Hurray for non-mainstream music (also known as ART!). A huge part of me wishes that he won't win. The franchise doesn't deserve him. The AI goopy monster might eat him alive. :(






Byooteeful.

Kinda reminds me of this guy.

For the Love of Pink

(You know I'm on a break because I'm on my second posting for the day!)

So J. Crew President and Creative Director Jenna Lyons came out in their recent catalog with her son. In the catalog, Lyons is shown painting her toddler's toes a hot bright pink (not that it matters -- just that the coincidence is awesome -- but my toes are the exact same shade, same brand of nail polish, too) because it is the child's favorite color. Apparently there's a bit of an uproar because the toddler happens to be a boy. I stumbled upon the article here.

Grace

Dear 16 Year Old Lucia,

I am writing to you today because I am tragically loony. It is sometimes endearing (it makes your Daddy laugh almost all the time) and mostly debilitating for yours truly. (Heads up, you just might inherit that.)

Today, my loony-ness has manifested itself as preemptive fears for the future. At this very moment (the neighbor is miraculously quiet right now), everything is still and perfect. As I drink in the essence that is this perfection, I, of course, entertain the possibility of its exact opposite in the near future. Because I don't mind a little rain in my parade, thankyouverymuch. (Again, prepare yourself.)

By now, you must be in the throes of puberty (oh, how you'd hate my having said that). Hopefully, we've had The Talk already, so you know what you should or shouldn't do by now (and by George, you better not be doing what you shouldn't be doing, young lady). You're probably dating some hapless fool behind our backs (for I see no other possibility, your daddy shall have none of this tomfoolery out in the open—wait until you're 31, that is his missive). You're probably hating us for being too strict, too baduy, too "there." You're probably begging for your own hover craft (for I have great hopes that we shall have been weaned from these bloody filthy cars by then). You're probably wearing too much make up. Your skirts are probably too short.

You shall be all these and more for I was 16 and I deserve that karma. I was horrid to the point of I-don't-wanna-talk-about-it. And so, you shall be all these and I shall love you even more. Because at least then it will make sense. Because now...

Now, it doesn't make sense. You are so perfect in your little pudginess. Your different smells are intoxicating (yes, even after a spit up). Your impish smiles are to die for. The way your toes curl when you breastfeed melts my heart. The way you sleep in the exact same position all the time just blows me away. After all the horrible things I've done and will continue to do, it shall never make sense how I can deserve something like you.

I shall remember these days, the halcyon days of my prime and your infancy, when protecting you against the noisy neighbor was my highest mandate. Soon, it shall be much more complicated. It shall be much more daunting.

But even as things become more difficult, I doubt that I shall ever really deserve you. You are God's grace in the flesh; thank the Lord that his grace is given freely even though hardly deserved.

Sleep, sleep, sleep. When you wake up, I'll be feeding you some mashed bananas. You like those.

Oh, wait. I'm supposed to be writing to 16 Year Old Lucia. But then, I suppose you will always be this roly poly infant to me, no matter how old you become.

So, Lucia. My darling puffalump. My princess munchkinitu. Grow and be well and be God's servant. But if you decide to linger a while longer in this stage, that won't be so bad either.

I love you.

xoxo,
Mommy

Luci, 3 days old

Lucia, 4 months old

Lalala, It's Tuesday!

Lucia's nap is running a bit long so I've had all this free time to listen to music and aimlessly wander around the World Wide Web (archaic term alert). Been listening/watching these videos the whole afternoon.

Here's a song from The Jerk. I watched the movie a long time ago and I can hardly remember the story, but this song I've always remembered. The Bird and the Bee has a pretty cool cover of this song, too.





This one's from Joe Versus the Volcano, when the Meg Ryan-Tom Hanks love team (haha, another archaic term alert) was fresh and funny (and not old and predictable).





Now this song of Imogen Heap was part of some soundtrack, just so we'd stick to the theme. Truth be told though, I just wanted to listen to this song again because it is just pure awesomesauce with peanut butter AND caramel drizzling on the side.





Aaand, of course, she's awake now. Hope you enjoyed the songs. Happy Tuesday, everyone! Tootles!