Boing

Yesterday was a bad day. A really bad day.

I got up early so that I could walk to the drugstore to buy a new batch of my meds. I had none left, and so I knew it was imperative to obtain them, stat. Shoving my (new-found) fear of crowds and strangers aside, I arrived at the drugstore only to find out that they were out of stock of my anti-anxiety meds. They had the two others, but the one that I needed to take kaagad, they didn't have. Immediately, I felt, well, anxious.

Oh, the irony was just too...ugh.

The nearest drugstore that was open at that hour was about 10 blocks away. And I walked it. Because that's how important those friggin' meds are. Because I was already starting to panic as I was walking.

But you guessed it, when I got there, they were out of stock, too. By that time, I was hyperventilating. People were starting to look at me. My last hope was the hospital across the drugstore. They had a pharmacy, right? They would have my meds, right?

They did, but they couldn't dispense it to me because my doctor hadn't written the prescription correctly and since it was a controlled substance, yadda-yadda-yadda.

I lost it. Yup, right there in the hospital's pharmacy. (Good thing I was the only customer there.) One of the pharmacists asked if I wanted to go see a doctor but I shook my head. I mustered all the strength left within me (by that time, I had walked the entire length of BGC, I kid you not -- I got lost along the way to the other drugstore) and hailed a cab and went home.

As soon as I got home, I realized that I had one of those pills left. Enough to last me the day. Madre de Dios, I could've just gone back home after drugstore number one.

And that's when the real attack happened. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't feel my face. And my neck felt like it was burning. And I shut my eyes but the tears kept flowing and flowing and flowing.

The rest of the day was a blur because my meds and the post-adrenaline rush of the attack zonked me out.

I have my meds now. In fact, I should probably take them in a few minutes as they're about to wear off. I keep telling myself I'll bounce back, and my good days almost make me believe that that's possible. I suppose it'll really have to take longer than I want it to.

Big day today. Will be doing stuff that will require me to be with other people. I hope I do okay and not shake uncontrollably again.

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I am a ball. I am a ball. I am a ball. And I shall bounce back. Boing, boing, boing.