Passed by school today to get my personals and put certain things in order. On the way there, I was having mini panic attacks again. My fingers actually started to hurt from all the tension. When I got to my cubicle, I stood there for a while and just...breathed. It felt oddly comforting to be surrounded by my things, stuff I've accumulated from teaching since 2003.
First things I packed were my shoes, then my personal books, then all my journals (all 4 Moleskine journals, God I'm garrulous). I managed to run into two co-teachers and a bunch of my 4A kids. I wanted it to be a quiet exit, I didn't want to have to see people I knew so that I could save myself from shedding a few tears, but it was useless. Especially when I passed by the classroom.
All their desks and chairs looked so organized (the most organized I've ever seen!) and there were remnants of the busy week they just had. I saw all their banners. I saw my old podium. I saw the clean blackboard. And I saw the emptiness.
I had a good talk with my friend and co-teacher before I left. We shed some tears, because we knew, at the back of our minds, that this could be an actual goodbye. I know I said it was a goodbye-for-now sort of thing, but who knows? The future is so murky at this point. But more than that, it was just the painful realization that everything is changing. Acceptance will come sooner or later, but for now, the realization is overwhelming enough.
I'm going to be okay. Today is a better day. Well, an easier day, at least, panic attacks notwithstanding. I dunno. Ask me again later. But at this precise moment, I'm actually feeling a little. Full stop. Meaning, I can actually feel something. It's not necessarily sadness -- it's just that I feel the emptiness now. And the desire to fill that emptiness.
It's like realizing I was hungry, and now I want to eat. (Ironically, I've lost almost all my appetite. I've lost ten pounds already. A perk of depression, wee.)
One day at a time.
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