Because I'm Too Prudent...

...to write down what I actually want to say online. And so I will write down how I feel, in a roundabout way. Because this act of not speaking is actually speaking volumes (zero volume as it may be now), but not nearly as accurately as I want.

And how to remedy that? To speak tangentially (if not more accurately than I hope to be).

Yeah, whatever, I'm not making sense. I'm just going to slog my way through this Ick that is my fragile state of mind via Proust's questions again. (And, um, oh my goodness. I just went to that link and checked my old answers and...well...things are a little different now.)

..o..

The principal aspect of my personality: Personality? I dunno. Of my personhood, the fact that I am a mother.

The quality that I desire in a person: Intelligence + humor = Wit. (Please, Universe? Please?)

My main fault: Obstinate intelligence.

What could be my greatest misfortune: Sigh. Obstinate intelligence (that could probably be for naught save for a spell of engaging conversations over libations).

My dream of happiness: The pursuit thereof.

My present state of mind: The emotional equivalent of arms akimbo.

My greatest fear: That I am trapped and that the only solution would be to change my point of view, to keep looking at these walls as some kind of protection and not as a way to limit who I am...but I refuse to do so on principle.

Faults for which I have the most indulgence: Soiled nappies.

My greatest extravagance: Time for others versus time for myself.

My greatest achievement: This.




Ease up, Universe. I'm having a really tough time as it is.

I See What You Did There, God

So, the verse that I got yesterday? Picked the same verse today. :)

Pandesal, Pandasal

In school, we have this fishbowl filled with short verses from the Bible. They're called Pandasal (roughly, it means something to help you pray ― oooh, look at me, trying to translate :p). Anybody can come and pick out a colorful piece of paper and have with him/her a snippet from scripture for as long as he/she wants.

Sometimes, I use it like a Magic 8 Ball, picking a piece of paper right after asking a question. Sometimes, I use it like a fortune cookie, looking for a bit of sage advice (or warning?) for the immediate future. This is spiritual laziness masquerading as bare-minimum, nominal Christianity, of course. Ah, but in the busy-ness of life, I often justify this haphazard brush with God's word with the "at least (insert justification)" argument, and all is well.

Due to disgust-of-self, I eventually stopped picking out verses. I thought not doing it at all was better than doing it for the wrong reason. So I stopped. So I inserted yet another at-least-justification.

A few days ago though, I picked up the habit again. I dunno why, but for some reason, I felt a tug. I didn't really have a big question. I didn't really need to know anything about the immediate future (okay, that's a lie...sorry, God...but you know what I mean). I just did, previous wrong reasons be damned. (Er, sorry, God...But is "damn" really a bad word? Shake the Magic 8 Ball...)

Because though we have the wrong reasons for reading scripture, I think God's reason to touch us, in any way he can (be it as banal as being reduced to Magic 8 Ball or fortune cookie status), is never wrong. He has reasons to trump our silly reasons. And when those reasons manifest, it's pretty bad a...AWESOME. It's pretty awesome. (Sorry.)

Amazeballs Manifestation Number One

The verse I got this morning was this:

One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple. (Psalm 27:4).

I'm just going to let those who know my situation kinda bob their heads and say, "Oooh, God. I saw what you did there." For those of you who don't know, my apologies. I've become more prudent in my old age. Just know that this verse is fantastically calming and appropriate. Basta, what's important is that I seek to live in the shelter of the Lord first. Stress on "seek." The desire to seek. To seek the desire (Desire with a capital D even!) to live with the Lord. First. Above all else. Above even the desire to finally have a different, er, dwelling situation.

Good God. :'(

Amazeballs Manifestation Number Two

As I was scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed, I chanced upon a "conversation" of sorts (is that what you call the comments that follow a status update?). A former student of mine picked up another one of these pieces of paper and shared what he had picked. As he was describing what his piece of paper said, he mistakenly referred to it as pandesal, or bread ― the kind that you can buy for very cheap almost anywhere here (but they are sooo good, but I digress). A friend of his corrected the minor error, but I found beauty in the error itself.

Pandasal.

Pandesal.

Prayer. Food.

‎Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst." John 6:35.

There was beauty in the error. There was poignancy. And just as God spoke to me through my wrong reasons, he spoke to me through this unbelievably minor (but major) error.

Oh, God. You do make a habit of making something beautiful out of the flawed. Thank, God. I mean...thank...you. :)

Today was a hard day. But it was a good day. It started pretty badly (much more awful than it has in a while), but I had a bit of good news (in fact, it's fantastic news), and it ended with Lucia falling blissfully asleep in the middle of Good Night, Moon.

And so feebly, in pretty much the haphazard way, I shall pray tonight, not necessarily for anything, but just...

...

Amazeballs Manifestation Number Three

Sigh.

Just...(full stop).

. . o . . 

“I pray because I can't help myself. I pray because I'm helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time ― waking and sleeping. It doesn't change God ― it changes me.” ― C.S. Lewis

Goodbye and Thank You, Cynthia

I've always loved Cynthia Alexander. Her songs have the power to transfix me. Musically, she's a cross between a long drink from a quiet brook after a hot and difficult upward trek, and, dark, rich, hot chocolate on a cold night. But more than that (if even possible), her lyrics just draw me in, in, in, in...into a part of me that I didn't even know needed comforting.

Back when I was single, I used to go to Conspiracy along Visayas Avenue (alone), just to watch her. (Also because their pizza tasted so goooooood with beer.) She's not that intimidating to look at, but when she starts singing...oi. Many a time I cried (yes, on my own) because. Well. I needed to, I had to, I was compelled to, because that's what happened when Cynthia lulled the darkness out of me. Hands down, my favorite song of hers is Comfort In Your Strangeness, a song I've used to help me say what I've often had difficulty to fully express what I wanted to say. When she played that, ay, ayan na the tears.

And now she's saying good bye, relocating to Seattle. I wasn't able to watch her gig last Friday because the school had a major event, and I doubt if I'll be able to watch any of her gigs in this Send Off Series* (now that I am married and with a small child), but Cynthia, know that I am sad to see you go.

Here she is, from last week. I love how the crowd sang for her when she was unable to do so. :')




Thank you for being such a comfort to me. And for reminding me to find comfort in Strangeness, in the Absurd (and in the Pink).

"I have seen

I have been

to places far and deep in my mind only to find

comfort in Your strangeness"

----

* Her next shows are this Friday at 70's Bistro along Anonas and then this Saturday at Conspiracy once again. :)

Home

It comes slowly, like cascading raindrops on a downward race to the rubber lining of a car window on a rainy day.

Sometimes the pace is slow, like during a light drizzle. Sometimes, like today, the descent is a bit fast, like during a stormy day. Like today.

Maybe the posted pictures are making it a bit more difficult today. Or maybe it's the day that was (Father's Day was yesterday). Or maybe...

...it's that the past few days were stormy. Cold. Wet. Like early spring in Grand Rapids, when the rains wash away the last bits of snow, when the few brave tulips start making their presence felt.

For reasons known to some, I can't necessarily say that where I am living right now is home. So now, more than ever, when I say "home", I actually mean Grand Rapids. When I was there, I was so busy wanting to go back home, meaning here in Manila, only to realize that unbeknownst to me, I was surreptitiously creating bonds, setting down my roots, such that Grand Rapids has come to mean home to me now.

I can still remember the smells of the trees, the potholes that I needed to avoid as I drove to the nearby D&W, which stoplights to take along on Cherry Street to go to campus.

Of course, "home" is where Chad and Lucia are. "Home" right now then would be our room, our haven in the midst of the toxicity that is the structure in which we currently live.

But home. Home. Capital H, Home...

Who knew I left my heart in Grand Rapids? I certainly didn't. But there it is. At least for today.

------

Happy Father's Day to my two favorite men. 

Papa, you are the first man I ever loved. And though you think you could've done better, I have no doubt that you carried out God's plan for me and my brothers in the best possible way you can. Almost everything I know, I learned from you. I live my life so that you and Mama can be proud of me! :)

And to Chaddy, thank you for being an even better father than I thought you would ever be. You are my and Lucia's rock and we draw strength from you. Thank you for providing for us and for keeping us safe. When you are around, we know that all will be well. Thank you for being my Lord's Intended.

Last Day of Vacation

Banana eating.

Napping.

Cupcake eating.

Tower building.

Wii-ing with Daddy.

Mess making.

Mess clearing.

Mess making (some more).

Learning how to blow bubbles.

Mastering how to blow bubbles.

(Amazing!)

Dancing. And dancing. And dancing.

NB: Original pictures are from Ariane Alingog, from a recent party at their house. :)

Focus!

Must focus on the essential.

School starts tomorrow and things will start to get busy.

Must trust that all will be well even if I leave Lucia behind to work...

...that she won't ruin Lucia's kind heart.

Please, God, when will this end? :(

M Goi

We recently took a trip to Hong Kong to celebrate my brother-in-law's wedding. A series of unfortunate events preceded our trip (to say the least, haha), but eventually, we did get to HK.

Hours and hours (and hours) after our supposed arrival, we finally got to our hotel at around a quarter to eleven. Late as it was, we weren't immune to the beauty of the hotel.

The next morning, we saw more of the hotel and its amenities. We had a gigantic bed, a gorgeous view, and a lobby that was enclosed in glass, so it felt like we were right on the harbor itself.

We went to Tsim Sha Tsui and Mong Kok to go shopping. Along the way, we saw these signages inside the cab that explained how passengers get charged an extra five dollars for every bird or dog. Good thing they didn't know about Duckie. ;) We also saw a busking duo playing native instruments. Pretty cool.

They did a lot of shopping (which I don't really dig) and eating (which I totally dig). Lots of shopping. Lots of eating. We even ate a place where Anthony Bourdain was in before!

There was one restaurant whose duck WAS. SO. GOOD that we went back to eat three times. On our third time, the waitress already knew us...and apparently, Lucia knew her well enough, too! :) Lucia actually went with the waitress to go to the kitchens. She came back bearing gifts from the kitchen staff.

It was a wonderful way to spend time with my family, albeit very tiring. But Lucia behaved very well, considering this was her first international trip! Next time though, I think I'd like to go back with less of an agenda and maybe just stroll around and soak it all in some more.

M goi, Hong Kong! Till we meet again. :)

N.B. If we're friends in real life, chances are you'll have access to the photo album I posted on Facebook. There are more pictures there and you'll see the other people we were with in the trip.

Right(s)

Much has been said about Obama's recent coming out (wink-wink) as a supporter of gay marriage. For a lot, the talk has focused on how it will affect his bid for re-election, how the right wingers will respond to this pronouncement, how they will use this pronouncement, for their benefit, etc.

For many of my friends in the LGBT/LGBT-supporting community and I, the talk has centered on this sentiment: FINA-frikken-LLY. :)

But will our campaign for equality now become easier? Will we now make more sense to the people who still think the LGBTs will go to hell? Will  LGBT rights now become more, well, right?

Sadly, no. In terms of the everyday fight, nothing will really change. In fact, this more apparent support for LGBT rights doesn't make my belief in them any stronger. I'd like to think they were strong enough, even without Obama's backing, thankyouverymuch.

But.

And I say this personally.

(Without impunity, kasi I know this is completely feeling of me, because sino ba naman ako, diba? Haha!)

I am happy for him. For Barack. For finally being able to say, out loud, to the public, that he is, in fact, supporting gay marriage. For doing what is right. It's the straight person's watered-down version of coming out of the closet, I suppose. ;) (Because take it from me, for one reason or another, there are many closet LGBT supporters.)

As someone who was also quite reticent about gay marriage before, as someone who has been told (in more ways than one) to shut up about my views about LGBT rights, I am one with him in this amazing display of courage. He has so much more to lose than anyone I know by making this conviction clear. That is courage.

And THAT is making me happy. And giving me purpose.

So, I know the manner he chose to announce this stance was very Obama-esque (quiet, calm, conversational), but allow me to play to stereotype and mentally garb myself in Cher's disco clothes and dance to this song.

Family

I saw this picture posted on the Facebook page of Wipe Out Homophobia and it nearly moved me to tears. I'll be quoting the caption as it appeared on the group's page.

They (Alan and Brian) have always dreamed of starting a family.
They took matters into their own hands and found a surrogate in India.
They were more than pleasantly surprised when they learned that
she was pregnant with twins. The pair has recently returned to
New York City from India with their son and daughter
in tow - and now the family is complete...

Now my feelings on the matter are quite obvious, so I won't be going on my soapbox at this juncture. Just...look at the picture and be filled with joy. I am filled with joy, simply because, I know this kind of love; between partners, between parent and child, and, well, everything in between.

Happy weekend. Be full of love. :)

Moo, Pare

It is 8:37 and Lucia is asleep.

Today is the beginning of the end of my break from school. Come Monday, I shall be back with my colleagues, planning for the school year to come. It also means, by Monday, I won't be with Lucia 24 hours a day.

Every day since the break began, our schedule has been pretty much the same. We'd wake between 6 and 7 in the morning. Yaya will whisk her away so she could eat brekkie and I'd sneak in a few more minutes of sleep. I'd have a hasty meal and then it's reading time for me and her. At around 9, I'd turn on the TV so she can watch Dora the Explorer and The Backyardigans. At 10, it's off to her morning bath. I'd sneak in a quick shower as well, but she'd be soaking and playing in her tub for about half an hour (she loooves the water). If all goes well, she'll nurse a bit and then nap for about 2-3 hours. We go have lunch when she wakes up and then we play around some more. At around 2 or 3, we'll prep the pool so we can go swimming (have I told you how much she loooves the water?) and then we go have a little snack. She either watches TV or we play around until dinner at around 6. We have our evening bath at around 7 (my husband usually does this part) and then we watch her all-time favorites: Pocoyo, Elmo, and/or the Backyardigans. By 8 (or 9), she's usually asleep.

In between all that -- nay, in the midst of all of that -- there is breastfeeding. Yup. Lucia is 17.5 months old, and she still almost exclusively still relies on me for milk. We've had a difficult and expensive relationship with formula since she was born, and we've only very recently discovered (almost by pure accident) the kind of milk that she actually likes.

(Aside: She will only take this formula that's actually gleaned from goat's milk. Funnily enough, a pedia told us before that goat's milk actually mimics human milk more than cow's milk; maybe that's why Lucia hated all those other kinds of formula.) 

As a result of being the human version of the sacred cow of India, I've had to eat/drink weird things -- and amazing quantities of them -- just to keep up with the demand. I dunno if it's the actual food/drink or the power of suggestion that is at play here, but for some weird reason, it actually works. So indulge me if this would seem strange, but I am hoping that this would prove useful to at least some of you who would accidentally stumble upon this particular entry. :))

Okay, so here are the things I eat/drink:

1. Balut - If you don't know what this is, I urge you to Google it...on an empty stomach (because if you don't know what it is, then you won't know that people actually eat this). I don't mind since, ehem, I'm actually fond of balut. 
2. Malunggay - This is something most Filipino mothers know (if only because every.single.person has probably told a pregnant Filipino mother to eat malunggay, and lots of it). I eat copious amounts of the leaves plus that long, weird-looking fruit (or is it vegetable) that grows along with the leaves. 
3. Clams - Our manang has been serving this for lunch every Saturday, telling me to eat.eat.eat.eat.eat because it's good for my milk production. Well, it looks like it's working.working.working.working. 
4. Ampalaya - There aren't many fans of ampalaya. I've only actually begun appreciating its taste fairly recently. Again, for some odd reason, eating it seems to work. 
5. Dark Beer - No, seriously. I've been told it works. I am not just creating a loophole to sustain my functioning alcoholism ;p. 

Needless to say, of all the "nursing aids", this is my favorite. So there. I've been asked about how long I plan to breastfeed. I really don't know. Inasmuch as this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do (hmmm, wait, being in labor for a day and a half might be a tad harder), the thought of weaning makes me shudder. It'll happen when it'll happen. I'm not really rushing.

'Sides, look at the tasty things I have to get to eat! :D