Hazy Computer Monitor Glow, Blanket Around Shoulders, Typing in the Dark

...this is how I shall spend the night tonight. No sleep for me.

***

The other night, there was another Filipino in the bus. He had a cap on with the Philippine flag. I would've recognized my kababayan without the hat though. I found that I've developed a sort of Highlander Sense of the Other. Remember that TV show called The Highlander? ("I am Duncan McLeod of the Clan McLeod...There can be only one!" [Of course, when I was younger, I thought it was "McCloud" and I thought it was such a cool name. Well, it still is. Not just as cool]). Anyway, remember how all the immortals could just sense each other? Like there was this internal tugging of sudden, deep, and immobilizing recognition. It's like that for me now. I have such a heightened sense of the Filipino Other now that I'm in America's Dutch (read: blue eyes and blond hair) Hotspot.

Anyway. I was waiting for him to make eye contact with from across the bus so I could start a conversation. But in true Filipino-in-the-midst-of-foreigners style, he was too busy minding his own business. Meanwhile, I was trying to think of ways to start a conversation with him:

"Hey, nice hat," or "Pare, Pinoy ka?" or the classic, "Uy, tiga sa'n ka sa 'tin?"

Of course, I didn't know if he still spoke the language, he might have grown up here and all. But I figured, if he's wearing a cap like that (and believe me, that was a huge flag on that cap), he ought to at least understand Filipino.

And then I heard him talk on the phone. "'Ba malay ko, aalis daw sila bukas e."

Jackpot. Nag-Ta-Tagalog nga!

Alas, he got off the bus a stop earlier than I did and my new almost-best-friend never knew what a comfort his mere presence was.

It's silly to feel so forlorn about that whole episode. I know it's my own fault. I ought to at least try to make new (American) friends here. But as much as I want to...I don't. Does that make sense?

***

The real reason I couldn't sleep: I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

For years, I've had terrible dysmenorrhea. When I say terrible, I mean paying-for-the-sins-of-all-my-past-lives terrible. For almost half of my life, I've been in pain, half of the time. I often wonder what it would be like to spend one whole day without any kind of pain, or the anticipation of it. I'm in pain so much that I can almost not complain about it for lengths at a time. I've seen doctors for it but they always seem to try to medicate the pain and not necessiraly the cause. Even then, the pain has never gone away.

One doctor told me I had endometriosis. Another ran a battery of tests only to prescribe some totally expensive and useless pill. Another doctor told me I had to get pregnant by the age of 26, or else I won't have a chance to get pregnant (I'm turning 27 in 3 weeks...gasp...I'm turning 27 in 3 weeks. I just realized that now! But that's for a different post at a different time...) I've been poked and scrutinized and - well, let me just stop there. I don't want to get too graphic.

Tomorrow, I'll be going to a specialist. Yes, yes, I should've done that sooner. Truth to tell, I've been to all sorts of doctors and I thought I had already gone to see a specialist. Apparently, I haven't. Well, at least tomorrow I'll be going to a doctor who really deals with this sort of thing. I'm scared to find out what's actually wrong with me. At the same time, though, I really just want to know why I'm always in pain. I don't know what to expect. I have a feeling that there won't be anything significantly wrong; or worse, nothing significantly new to tell, and that is worse. And then I'll be left in pain, again. In the dark, again.

Sort of like right now.

Sigh. There's always adoption. (And yet, as I write that futile attempt at humor, I realize, it's not really funny.) But seriously, we can always adopt. We can always adapt.

I hate this. I really, really, really do.

Coming to the Surface for Air - Mindless Rambling

Yeah, I know. It's been forever. :p

4 major papers and 2 presentations later, I'm still alive. I've completely forgotten what it was like to be a student in the middle of midterm season. (Middle of midterm - so is that quarterterm? Obliquely to the right/left term? Forget it...)

And so I'm taking a deep breath and waiting for the next big thing to happen.

***

Saw that Bizarre Foods episode on the Philippines again. Boy how I miss home. I want to go home. Home, home, home, home.

***

Autumn's here. Love it. And so the world turns.

When was the last time you rode on swings?

My brother had soccer try-outs this afternoon so Chaddy and I watched. Well, it was hot and it was longer than we anticipated, so we ended up going to the nearby playground (which was shaded, hence the initial appeal).

I made a beeline for the swings and realized that I hadn't ridden in swings since I was about 9 or so. So away I went on those swings. Oi! The most amazing feeling! It almost made me forget about the tons of stuff I have yet to do for school, the fact that we have next to zero money, and the fact that I'm 26 and probably too old for swings.

I tried all the other stuff around the playground, too. They were too small for me to fully enjoy though (yay! Finally, something too small for me...of course, the playground was for small kids...) so I went back to the swings.

I didn't accomplish much today. I was supposed to finish my Faulkner book today, mail my petticoat to my best friend (she needs "something borrowed" for her wedding...wee! Hi, Sara!), and start on my Assessment assignment, but I ended up being on the swing this afternoon.

Well spent, I say. :-)

Unbearable Lightness of Being

I feel so wishy-washy; very faint and sketchy; very melted-ice-cream-y.

I think this is the effect of not having real work in more than a year. I need to work. (I shall regret these words, I know.)

There are parts of my brain that I haven't used in so long. *shakeshakeshake* My brain looks like the attic in which that Avon lady found Edward Scissorhands.

I've been looking at friends' profiles in Friendster to pass the time (I'm downloading a bunch of stuff again) and I miss home. I miss my old friends.

I hear that it's raining something fierce in Manila now and I miss my horror days when I used to live alone in our pseudo-haunted house.

I'm reviewing the traffic laws since I haven't driven in 6 years! I miss those days when I used to be self-sufficient and could drive anywhere. I don't miss my road rages, but I'm indulging in a few chuckles in relative-safe recollection.

Gah. I can't even make a proper entry. Have you guys noticed? Grrr.

"More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs."

Ahlavet! Heard that from my all-time, feel-good, no-brainer, rerun-to-death series, Matlock.

***

I registered for 4 classes this term (12 units) and I'm a bit anxious to start this whole new phase of being a full-time graduate student. I'm thinking I won't stress out so much considering I won't have any other responsibilities (read: I won't be working anyway). But I am worried about being able to get into the groove of things.

***

My husband's coming in a little over 24 hours. And then we'll be off to Indiana for the weekend. I've spent most of the past 2 days getting our little "apartment" (read: my parents' basement) ready. If only I can do something about these walls...

***

I'm fretting. I'm fussing. Things are happening all around me and I feel so static. Huge changes are afoot. I'm more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Sticking To It

My dad and I were watching the Today Show this morning and they did a feature on this 18-year old kid who bought farmland with the help of his family and neighbors in a small farming town in Massachusetts.

One of his neighbors wanted to retire from farming, but didn't want to sell it to some corporation that would only transform his farmland into houses and whatnot. So he sold it to the kid that helped him out every summer. He was offered millions by those big corporations. He sold it to the kid for only $32,000.

Now the kid is selling produce from his farm and his neighbors help him out by buying from him. He's keeping his town real, upholding their identity and celebrating its bounties.

He didn't go to college anymore. Some people might not dig that, but he's too busy digging into his own plot of land to care. This is what he believes in and he's sticking to it. It might not be glamorous nor convenient, but he's sticking to it.

***

An uncle and an aunt recently became bona fide American citizens. My dad and I were talking about it this morning and, like me, he doesn't want to be an American citizen - especially because it means that by doing so, you have to denounce your original citizenship. (Of course, you can always apply for dual citizenship, but that comes later on, I believe.) That is something neither my dad nor I would like to do.

I had a conversation with a friend of my in laws and he was telling me about the beauty of America, the land of opportunity, and how, since I'll be living here for a while, I should be taking advantage of that to the fullest extent. (Now there's something I haven't heard before. Ooh.) I was trying to explain that my intention was to study, maybe work a while, but Chaddy and I wouldn't want to settle here for good. We don't want to raise our children here entirely. Canada, maybe, but not here.

He said I should stay long enough to be a citizen. (Again, how novel! Where do people come up with such capital ideas???) And I said, no, thank you, I don't want to be a citizen. And then he gave me this look. Mind you, we had just met, and he gave me a look like, "You must be one of those crazy, flaming, liberals..." Well, yes, I probably am, but no matter. He gave me a look. And we had just met.

And then he said, "Well, Bush won't be president forever. Your views might change."

And I said, "No, not really."

And he said, "But maybe when you have kids, it'll be different."

And I said, "We specifically do not want to raise our kids there."

And he said, "Maybe your parents will petition you."

And I said, "They would, but then I've already told them I didn't want to be a citizen, so they've let go of that."

And he said, "Think of all the conveniences! For one, you can get to travel anywhere and not need a visa!"

And I said, "Why do something just for the convenience? If something is too convenient, why would it be worth doing?"

And he did: Blink-blink. Naubusan ata.

"It's a principle thing," I said.

And he let go of it either because (a) he had to go, (b) he knew he was going to be in for quite an earful if he asked further, or (c) I would have to get physical with him, even in the teensiest way, be it hurling a few spittle his way from my angry, frothing, liberal mouth.

See, this is what I don't understand. I get why others would like to be citizens. Totally get it. But I don't want to be a citizen. I don't force other people to subscribe to my liberal beliefs (hee-haw said the Democratic donkey...) We can engage in healthy debate, yes, but at the end of the day, I don't want to force people to have the same beliefs and dreams. I don't see why someone else has to force his dream on me.

My dream is to teach kids how to read and write well. My dream is to have kids who are articulate, compassionate, open minded, God-fearing, and (eek) liberal. My dream is to grow old with Chaddy, laughing and crying all the way. While location may not be that important - here, there, Canada, Tegucigalpa, Seychelles - I do not want to get rid of my citizenship. When I die, I will die a Filipino.

I am a Filipino by birth and deed and heart. I might not have chosen to be a Filipino, but I choose to remain a Filipino.

I am not a Filipino because of convenience; if it is too convenient, then why would it be worth doing?

What Happened During the Wedding

...ok, so here's what happened...

The morning started very calmly. Eerily enough, I was asleep by 9 pm the night before, so I was able to get a full night's rest, thank goodness. My make up artist from Pranav Salon (in Robinson's Galleria) came and did wonders for me and my mom. (Aside: Really, if you're looking for a place to do your make up with full on service, go to Pranav and look for Louie, the girl who did my make up. A. MA. ZING. Special thanks to my best friend Sara who sponsored the whole thing!)

We got married in a chapel in Marikina with just our families, our maid of honor, and our best man. Since no one else was there, they were surrounding us during the entire marriage rite which lasted about 12 minutes. It was one of the most intimate and special moments in our lives - to have the people we love the most really - and I mean really - share this most important event in our lives with us.

After that, we went to the Ateneo High School for our Thanksgiving Mass. We had about 70 guests - all of them our most intimate friends. I walked down the aisle with my parents by my side to the tune of I Must've Done Something Good from The Sound of Music, arranged by my best friend, GP Eleria.

The Mass itself was wonderful, full of happy tears - as the guests will tell you. We were just so overwhelmed with everything happening that we couldn't stop crying! The Ateneo Chamber Singers sang for us, and so did my friend Leslie Perez, my dad, and my brother. :-)

We then moved to the Seniors' Quadrangle, also at the High School, just a step, hop, skip away from the Chapel, for the reception. The food was EXCELLENT. Our caterer, Kaye Cunanan, served the most wonderful food. People were still talking about it weeks after the wedding. Really, if you have a wedding, a debut, a bar/bat mitzvah, heck, whatever coming up, you would really want to consider having it catered by her.

After the rather funny cake cutting ceremony, (we were cutting the fake-cake part...we didn't know that there were parts that wasn't cake. I mean, we hadn't done that sort of thing before...) we had our first dance. We danced to Break On Through by The Doors, to everyone's delight. (Yes, it was choreographed. Yes, I choreographed it. Yes, Chaddy really does love me that much to have done such a thing...)

And then the rest of the night, everyone basically just had fun. We were able to meet our guests and talk to them without having a photographer follow us around and tell us to act properly. Nono Felipe and Carlo Santos, two very dear friends of mine, took wonderful pictures. They were so paparazzi-like in their unobtrusive ways, all of the pictures looked alive and candid and real.

And so that's how the happiest day of my life went.

Thank you to everyone who made it possible. We will never forget that. :-)

Confessions of a Jetlag Addict (Part 2)

And so I'm back.

Everything's pretty much the same except that now it's a lot hotter than I remember. Oh, and the flowers are all out so my nasal passages are killing me. Otherwise, it's pretty much the same.

Turns out, I still have a way to go till my stuff for school starts, so I have all this time to play wifey. Chaddy's not here yet - hopefully he'll be here first week of August - so I have time to make this place look a little homey :-).

There were tons of stuff that I wanted to do while in the Philippines but wasn't able to do. Man. What with arranging the wedding, getting married, fixing my Visa, and then fixing Chad's Visa - we hardly had any time to do anything else!

So here's a list of the stuff I was meaning to do but didn't get to do (it's the thought that counts!):

1. Eat more isaw.
2. See more of my students and have actual conversations with them.
3. Go to Baguio.
4. Hang out with friends (you know who you are...yung iba kasi kebs na talaga e...)
5. Hang out with my brother more.
6. Go to Embassy (canyoubelieveit? I have never been there. I just want to go there and see which artistas will get into a catfight.)
7. Hug more of Sushi.

Ah, well. At least that means I really need to go back to the Philippines soon.

Two Days To Go...

...till my wedding. I'm looking at the sky and it's heavy with impending rain. I hope it doesn't rain on Saturday! We still haven't finalized all the souvenirs and there are so many loose ends to think about and I'm this close to hyperventilating!!!

I absolutely detest planning parties. I love attending them and contributing stuff in potlucks (I love potlucks) but I hate being the one in charge in a party. I keep worrying about everyone - if they're having fun or eating enough or getting happily tipsy or not dancing or whatever.

Gah!

But I am so excited to be married to Chaddy. I hate weddings. Well, no, not really. I just hate planning mine. I can't wait to get to the being married part. Oi.

More to come post-wedding...

I'm Baaaack!

Ika nga ng Menudo, "I'm going back to the Philippines!!!"

Yes, yes, I'm back! :-D

That means though that I don't have ready Internet access, so my entries might be sparse while I'm here. Also, I expect to go on overdrive as I work on the final sale of our house (yes, the one that was ransacked) and the wedding!

So that's all for now. I'm at Katipunan, and rather than typing in this ol' cafe, I'd much rather walk around and drink it all in again. I'm write more when I'm in a better frame of mind.

(I'm using my same Globe number so gimme a call/text!)

From Sunshine to Snow

I'm back!

I went to LA for the (self-imposed long) weekend. Needless to say, I had an enormous blast. For a while there, I actually remembered what it felt like to have a life outside of the house. I remembered how we used to go out all the time - with measly budgets to boot. And, by gollywow, I realized that I can still - more or less - dance!

LA is alive. It's buzzing with life in all shapes, sizes, colors, and languages. It was such a sudden change from all the Dutch blondes and blue eyes of Grand Rapids. We went to Target first thing after landing and I heard all sorts of languages whizzing by me.

And the sun! Ah, the sun! The SUN!!! I cannot tell you how much I loved the sun. THE SUN!!! If only for that, I would've stayed forever.

But. I realized I'm too Country Mouse now for LA. Haha, but my brief foray into the world of glitz and glamor was fun.

More than anything else, though, I was most happy to see my girlfriends. I've been friends with the same set of gorgeous girls for 14 years now (gasp!). We've been through everything together. You know those movies they make about women and friendship? We practically own, produce, and are the posters for that. And I'm not even bragging as much as I'm being truthful.

Here at home, I am daughter-slash-Ate-slash-wife-to-be. With my friends, I felt free for a while. Not that being daughter-slash-Ate-slash-wife-to-be is bad. I happen to love that role. But for a long while, I was a girl again, with friends who know me literally inside out and I felt like an attractive person again. Haha :-D.

Shopping, dancing, eating - but the best of all was during day 2 of my bachelorette bash. We were having a Slumber Party (cute namin, diba?) and I started crying, just letting out all my frustrations and fears and basic happiness with everything going on in my life. I haven't been able to do that since coming here. We three were in bed huddled in blankets and they just hugged me and let me cry. These girls have seen me go through everything and I've done the same for them and it was so rich to be in that moment when it was about everything in the past, present, and future and we'd know we'd still be there for each other.

I feel so fantastically blessed. I have all these beautiful people loving me. And I love them. And we will all live happily ever after - and just in case we don't, we'll still be here.

Joepi, Joyce, LP, Joanne, Joy, Jean, Eedee, Jana, and my darling Sara, I love you all so much!