I Did Not Notice...

We had a class party last night and I thought it was going to be an ordinary (albeit much anticipated) get-together. I like how I was able to spend quality time with a lot of them -- I even managed to sneak a few heart-to-hearts with some of them.

As I was about to leave though, they presented me with gifts! Cake, letters, and a huge-ass jar of Skittles (my favorite!). One of them even gave me a fan that he made himself. They are so loving, I can't believe anything to the contrary could be used to describe them. I've been having a difficult month, but they've been a constant source of joy. Oh my, how I shall miss them.

I showed them this video on the last day of school, because I told them I'd be waiting for them to call for me, because I would only be a call away, because the end of the year doesn't mean I'd end being their mother. The video takes on another meaning now, but I shall keep that to myself at this point. They've given me enough love to buffer me for the days to come...as they shall become even more challenging.




They kept thanking me for being their mother, for taking care of them. They apologized for not showing me enough how much they love me. Silly things. They have no idea how happy they have made me throughout the year, how comforting they were to me...how so much of the difficulty of the past few weeks has been because I haven't been able to see them. Because of them, I did not notice the zombies, the nuclear apocalypse, and all the other doom-makers. Now, it seems as though that's all I see. Lucia, poor thing, has been working overtime, being my sole source of comfort now.

I do love my boys, the children of my heart.

But it's time to let them go and let them forge their own ways. I just wish they don't fall prey to the zombies. Or those zombies shall hear from me.

Sing It, Baby

Tired of trying to verbalize everything e. Singing it all away na lang.







 
And this is why This is why Why we fight Come hell Bride of quiet Bride of all unquiet things Bride of quiet Bride of hell
    I never saw the point in trying Cause I would only let you down And I just couldn't take you down there with me I just can't stand to see you drown  I never saw the point in crying Cause I can't be the way you want And I don't want lay around here waiting Waiting for you to change your mind
   
Well I reached in the cupboard for something to feed you and I hoped that these words were enough to keep you but the moon is so high and the stars are so bright you could be the one that I needed 
 When the sun came you hit the trail like an old cowboy bent for the wild road and so I carved your name into all the tree legs and we waited for you until dark came 
 I once knew a man who told a tale as tall as the mountains that he came from and he said there's a place where all the folks wait when death strips their faces of color Are you there?
   
 Pearl:  I walk down the road and I’m alone again, but I will sing a song as I go I walk down the road and I’m alone again, butYou will be the voice in my throat 
 Beard: All these years I’ve travelled down the lonely pathway Singing something you’ll never know All these years I’ve travelled down the lonely pathway You have been the voice in my throat
   
 And in the future Our love will surely fade away Or so they tell me  But we know better don't we So I keep singing my song Won't you sing along? 
 So tell me truth don’t tell me lies I’ve seen the truth inside your eyes Life is so short, everyone dies So live a beautiful lie
   
And when it all comes crashing down,  what can you do, to find what you're looking for?  And then the words will come to you, driving through the rain. 
 But there'll be no one there to say them to anyway.

Galloping That Heralds Unicorns; Not Horses, Not Zebras

Quick. Somebody tell the Unicorn that he finally exists. I've managed to find enough free time to write this post. Anything's possible now.

And so the school year has mostly come to an end. We still need to evaluate the program -- prune and rearrange topics here and there. But that's all work for the coming school year. The work for this school year is all done. I am all shades of sad and lonely and nostalgic and relieved.

The thing about being a teacher is the inevitable goodbyes. The kids are with us for just a year and, like it or not, they will move on. Kids being kids, they're usually resilient enough to move on fairly quickly. It'll take a while for me to completely let go though. Just a few days ago, as we were moving in to our (finally) newly renovated offices, I was segregating my stuff, determining what to throw away, what to keep. I stumbled upon a class list, somehow unscathed, and I almost wept. Ugh, I'm such a dork.

I am also lonely because for the most part of the day, my kids were my source of comfort. I am not doing well (understatement and deliberately vague, I'm afraid), and with them gone, I am forced to...think.

Funny how nostalgic I feel now. All one has to do is to go back to my previous posts to see how challenging this school year was, how ready I was to throw in the towel. But nostalgia has given me fantastically rose-colored glasses. All I remember is how fun it was. Well, that's not true, I will also always look back to this year as having been the most personally exhausting year ever, but I shall miss it.

Which is why I'm relieved, I suppose. Not that it's over, but that I can have another year to make bawi. Because just as much as goodbyes and endings are inevitable, so are hellos and new beginnings.

Yeah, after all the huffing and puffing, the house was blown down. I just wasn't expecting the house to be what it is. So yeah, I'll be coming back.

Ugh. And now to more important matters.

(Please, Unicorn, take me and my daughter away from all this.)

‎"The Greek word for 'return' is nostos. Algos means 'suffering.' So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return." (From Ignorance by Milan Kundera.)

ASDFGHJKL

Anger.

Just. Anger.

And fatigue.

And ennui.

Mostly anger.

Just. Anger.

Anger.

Vertigo and Vertical

And so this blasted vertigo has rendered me prostate for most of the day. I'm fine when I'm lying down (well, at least it's not as bad), but when I stand up, I start to feel woozy and pukey and...well, it's like I'm about to fade into a massive Hitchcockian flashback sequence, is what I'm saying.

(And no, I am not pregnant. Believe me.)

Anyway.

Lucia had a hardish time going to sleep tonight. Usually it's about an hour of Sesame Street and peekaboos and nursing, but tonight, for some reason, she had a really hard time getting to sleep. I tried the usual (singing Twinkle Twinkle, placing her on my chest...) but it simply didn't work. Thinking she felt hot, I stood up, picked her up, and rocked her near the fan. She quickly fanangled her way into a cradle, so I was soon rocking back and forth, with the length of her wrapping around most of my upper body. Within 2 minutes, she was fast asleep.

In between giant gulps of air to keep the nausea down, it dawned on me just how big she's gotten. She isn't as porky as before (she's gaining weight again though, thank goodness), but my gulay, the height in this one! Certainly not vertically challenged like Mommy. There was a time when I could carry her with just one arm. Now it takes both arms and a strategically-angled shoulder.

Four days old. Seems like yesterday.

Oh, Lucia.

Well, she might be a big girl now, but she wants to be rocked and cradled by Mommy. I hope for a long time still.

Forced

And so it has come to this: the fatigue has reduced me to this snivelly mess of aches and vertigo. Decided to stay home today, mostly also because I wanted to monitor Lucia who's had a weird cough. Okay, and yeah, I'm sick. Sick-ish. Okay, sick.

I hate taking days off or admitting that I'm ill. I'd much rather minister to others who are sick. I can't stop thinking of all the stuff I could be doing at work instead.

Mostly also because, when I'm not working, I'm thinking, and when I'm thinking I'm...

But I don't want to think.

The end of the school year is nigh. Must look forward to that instead. Yes, looking forward to that.

Prom Shprom (Top Ten Tips)

Okay, so I had my prom in the mid-90s. I wore black to my prom (good God, what was I thinking?) and felt awkward in heels. I was much more comfortable in my baggy jeans and combat boots (good God). I suppose I had fun in my prom and the other proms I attended (although why and how anyone else asked me is still a shocker to me), but all I can remember is the awkwardness, really.

Now that I've been a teacher for the juniors for quite some time, I've always had to deal with prom woes around this time of the year. I've dispensed tips over the years, and I don't know why I never really thought of writing all of them down in one go. I was thinking of writing a blog entry about it, and as fate would have it, one of my kids emailed me a few minutes ago, asking about that pep talk I gave them a few days ago.

Now I went through that nostalgic self flagellation earlier to assure you that I present you these tips not as an expert but as someone who wishes, very much, to be able to go back in time, wrench the silly little 16 year old that I was from her grungy hole , and do everything else over again.

Sigh. Okay. (Good Lord, I can't believe I wore black. :p)

Here we go, my top ten tips (and you know it's great because there are ten of them...and it's alliterative):

1. Make sure you reserve a corsage a week (or more) before the day of the prom itself. Proms usually happen around the same time, and flower shops might be inundated with orders by the time you send in yours. Boys are usually preoccupied with choosing a color that would match her dress, but this is only secondary in importance to...
2. NOT getting a pin-corsage (or whatever the hell you call it). Get the kind that wraps around the wrist in a bow. A bow ha, not alambre. The pin corsage will get you in all sorts of trouble come, er, pinning time. You'll end up being really anxious about where to place your hands as you pin it (can you imagine doing it while her parents are around...with camera???) -- as you should be. You might end up having her pin it on to herself, but it really is the most unflattering angle for her (remember, her parents are there with the camera). She'll look weird trying to pin the corsage on herself (bending down that way will give her double chins -- remember, the camera!) and she might ruin her dress. The alambre corsage, on the other hand, is just plain weird...and painful if left with the wrong hands. Meaning, yours. Don't get orchids because they look funeral-esque. Stick to roses or carnations or mums. I personally like those small white flowers that come as "fillers" in a bouquet. They're simple, pretty, and not overpowering.
3. You and your bros will probably take all of 1 hour (I'm just guessing here) to prepare what with the gross jokes and the body odor dispelling (again, just guessing here, but do attend to the body odor please). Your dates? Not so much. Still, arrive at her house (or meeting place) at least 5 minutes before time. You can ring the doorbell en punto, but anticipate that you'll have to wait for her. If you absolutely cannot help being late, text/call her, but know that it would be frightful tacky of you to be late. Since you anticipate that you'll be early, do practice your small talk. This will probably be the time for the parents to get to know you a bit more...
4. So, brush up on your current events. There's a pretty important trial going on right now, you might want to read up on that. No, do not talk about the latest (stupid) meme on 9gag as some parents may not know what you mean by 9gag (nor will they appreciate that you frequent a Web site that has the word "gag" in it). Do not talk about showbiz chismis (unless the parents start with it, in which case, ayos). Get ready to talk about your favorite book (oh, please be a reader, if only for the season) and your family (parents provinces, brothers, sisters, where you live, etc). The parents would like to know that you come from good people.
5. When you see your date, COMPLIMENT HER. I mean out loud. Do not, however, be lewd. Be classy with your compliments. Tell her she looks nice, you like her hair that way, that's a pretty color on her, etc. No one's asking you to be Tim Gunn, you don't have to go into the nitty gritties of her look ("That chignon really does elongate your neck in the most delightful of ways!"), but do take notice of all her hard work. Be sincere though, so if you can't genuinely appreciate her hair, make up, dress, shoes, or bag (see, so many to choose from!), at least tell her she smells nice. :p DO NOT let your eyes linger where they shouldn't. Be a gentleman. You are made of finer stuff. Besides, her dad's an arm's length away, ready to correct your wandering eyes.
6. As you leave, thank her parents for letting her go with you. Then, tell them what time you'll be bringing her back, or ask them what time they want her back. Also, give your number (and your driver's number) so that they can contact you in case of any emergency (i.e. you've gone way past curfew). This not only makes the parents feel better about letting their precious princess go with you, it ensures that if all goes well and you'll want another date with her, the parents will be more kampante to let her go.
7. Unless you're already good friends, prepare more small talk topics for inside the car. Make sure you ask her questions...and let her answer. Keep asking until you get to the "me, too!" portion of the conversation. Don't worry, you'll get there. If you don't, make sure you have good music in the car. At least you can chairdance (or headbob at the very least) together. 
8. When you get to the venue, do not speak to anyone without introducing your date to him/her as well. It is rude to carry on a conversation with anyone else and leave her out of it. Most especially, introduce your dates to your moderators. (Ehem, 3A2012. We have already spoken about this.)
9. Now, when deciding where to sit (and I realize this should've come kanina pa), try to get a table so that your date will be comfortable, too. I know you'd like to sit with your friends, but this is your house, so to speak. You'll most likely be comfortable anywhere anyway. Try to get a table with classmates whose dates are either friends of your date or would most likely get along with her. Do not share the table with an ex-girlfriend-slash-MU-slash-best-friend-who-happens-to-be-a-girl. Girls are a complicated lot. Believe me. You wouldn't want this sort of drama to unfold on the night itself. 
10. You'd think my last tip would be to have fun? Be yourself? Enjoy, because you only live once? No, my dearest ones. My last and most important tip is this: BRING YOUR DATES BACK HOME ON TIME!!! Do not go over the curfew. If it's totally unavoidable, YOU call her parents and let them know. She might insist on doing it herself, but realize that a real gentleman would do it himself. No, a real gentleman would BRING HIS DATE BACK HOME ON TIME, but this is the next best thing.

And so there you have it. I probably forgot a whole bunch of other stuff, but these are the ones that are most pressing.

NOW, I shall say have fun and don't sweat the small stuff.

But really, do something about that body odor. ;)

#30ThingsAboutMe (Part 2)

17.  I am a lot more obssessive compulsive than I allow others to know. For me to walk away from a mess or dirt or an unruly collar means I deliberately chose to walk away -- with much effort. One of my coping mechanisms is to allow a little mess to continue existing within sight, as a testament of my little victory against my demons. I usually fiddle with my hair or wring my hands when I am willing myself to walk away from a mess.

18. I was a horrible bully.

19. My second favorite color is green -- yes, the La Salle kind of green.

20. Before I got pregnant, I loved eggplant. While I was pregnant, I couldn't stand it. Now that I've given birth, I'll only eat it if it's grilled.

21. I still breastfeed my daughter. She's 14 months old. I am a rockstar mom.

22. My daughter brings me a kind of joy that I never thought was possible.

23. I've always wanted to teach. I never actually envisioned myself as anything else.

24. I am friends with all my exes but one. I can honestly say that I wish nothing but the absolute best for them. Even that one.

25. Sometimes, when I say "home", I actually mean Grand Rapids. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

26. If it were up to me, we wouldn't have anything to do with her. Ever. I have never met anyone as fundamentally, existentially, absolutely, and diametrically opposite of who I am than she.

27. Dora < Backyardigans < Sesame Street

28. I can watch Star Trek the Next Generation the whole day. No, really. I know this because I've done it. For two weeks straight. (Kindly refer to Part 1, number 6.)

27. I am glorious when I am angry. But I actually hate confrontation. If I can avoid it, I will. It's because I know how visceral and verbally violent I can get.

28. My writing is feels more organic when I'm angry -- and people often laugh when they read it. But when I am happy, my writing makes people cry. Weird.

29. I hate cats.



And as to why I started this bloody meme in the first bloody place...



30. I am currently questioning something I used to be fantastically sure about. I am no longer angry, but I am hurt. It is the hurt that is crippling me and I am hobbling my way through this week. That I still have teeth is amazing as I am grinding them down to pearly nubs, all in an effort to keep the rage, tears, and figurative vomit in. I have no idea how I shall last the week -- the year. The hatred; oh, the hate.

#30ThingsAboutMe (Part 1)

There is a trending meme/hashtag right now on Twitter and it seems like as good a way as any to take my mind off things. (Also, it used to be 25 things...and now it's 30 so...yeah. Hurray, narcissism.)

Here we go.

Thirty Things About Me:

1. I am very, very, very angry right now. So angry that I am rendered silent. So, in lieu of actually writing (easy) or thinking (difficult) about that, I shall do this instead.
2. I don't know how to ride a bike.
3. I write like I speak, but I don't speak like I write. Meaning, on paper, I don't sound as ditsy as I usually do. But I'm a lot smarter than I sound. Like, totally.
4. My default has always been humor. Sometimes though, it frustrates me when people think I'm making patawa when really, I'm just totally angry. (This is me not thinking about what's making me angry...)
5. I hate pancit. I love pansit malabon though, but I don't like the regular kind of pancit (the brown one).
6. Sometimes, I'm afraid I'm a lot nerdier than people think I am.
7. Sometimes, I'm afraid I'm not as nerdy as people think I am.
8. I am self conscious about everything about myself except for my writing...but I don't show my real stories to people because they're too personal. (Also, I turn invisible when nobody is looking. :p)
9. I believe aliens exist. 
10. There are some people in my life who could die and I would totally not be sad about it. I don't necessarily wish they would die, I just wouldn't be sad if they did.
11. I want a doughnut right now.
12. Sometimes...hay. Nope, too personal.
13. I always have a song in my head. Which plays congruently with whatever conversation I have going on with myself. 
14. I'm not impatient, everybody else is slow. Deal with it and move faster.
15. I'm really, really, really angry right now. Oh, wait, I said that already. Well, I am. And I can't NOT think about it, so I'm going to stop with this stupid list right now, because this form of escapism isn't working.

Damnit.

Half Full

This is me coughing as I sweep the cobwebs from this blog.

Goodness, it's been forever.

Needless to say, I've been busy. I'm actually merely forcing myself to write right now because I need to reaffirm that I am an actual sentient being, not a mere drone (who runs on alternating vats of coffee and alcohol).

Thankfully, my favorite topic is coming up, and I'm actually pretty excited to come to class...if only teaching was just about teaching. :p Ah, well. Glass is half full, glass is half full, glass is half full.

In other (great) news: My dad's here for a short while. His choir's on a South Asian tour and they made a quick stop here (natch). Here's a precious video of the men of my life playing with our precious little Duckster.

Tired but grateful. :) 

This Won't Be A Best of 2011 Entry...Nor An Entry About Resolutions

...but I will open by saying happy new year, everybody! :)

I am hindering myself from doing the retrospective bit precisely because 2011 was one tough year, and I, for one, am overjoyed that it’s over. So there. *deep cleansing breath*

I am also not going to talk about how the holidays were spent because I was half miserable most of the time (no points for guessing why, it’s too easy). This is probably why I am writing now, on the eve of the last day of my vacation. Finally, all obligations are done, now I get to spend most of the time with the really people who matter.

Well, which isn't to say that I spent the last few days with horrid people. Just one (who more than made up for everyone else). Just one who managed to make me want to drink and sleep the whole thing out. (Which I did, basically.)

Actually...maybe this is a retrospective entry (damnit)...if only to silently cuss at how difficult 2011 was. But changes are afoot (a change from the last declared change,too...but more on that some other time). We have 366 days this year instead of the 365, so let’s see how it goes. Maybe the extra day will herald something better.

I just wish...

...ah, so many things I cannot say online because of propriety.

Where the hell is my Moleskine?

p.s. But truly, happy new year, everybody. I'm only grumpy because I'm tired.